The Paradox of Awarding Credit and Appreciation

Many of us feel overworked, under-appreciated, and undervalued. These feelings inevitably lead to lower productivity, worse mood, and less desire to put forth time, energy, work, or effort into relationships that would normally bring loads of benefit.

But none of us want this less desirable outcome, so let’s first understand it, then let’s talk about what can we do about it.

Psychology suggests the more someone’s efforts are noticed and appreciated, and the more someone’s experience is validated, the more efficient people become at achieving certain more-desirable outcomes.

But the opposite is true as well. The less someone’s efforts are noticed, the less appreciated they feel, and the less they get validation for those very real feelings, the less efficient people become at achieving various desirable outcomes.

One element which has undergone extensive study in the field of Psychology is called operant conditioning. Operant conditioning is the attempt to achieve certain outcomes based on varying stimuli. In Laymen’s terms, rewards and punishments (also known as positive and negative reinforcement, yet slightly different). Most of us can recall some form of reward we received when we did something “good” growing up. This reward served to “reinforce” a certain outcome, making the “good” behavior more likely to occur in the future. This is positive reinforcement. Negative reinforcement is slightly different, instead of adding something pleasant to the equation, it’s when something unpleasant is taken out of the equation.

Moreover, official studies have been done testing the validity of operant conditioning, and the research data shows a consistent correlation with both the presence of positive reinforcement, as well as negative reinforcement at influencing future outcomes to tend toward more-favorable outcomes. This makes sense, as these forms of reinforcement to incentivize and encourage the individual, making it more likely that the desired behavior will occur again. 

Knowing this, let’s consider the following example.

Person A desires an outcome where Person B does more, as Person A believes herself to be the one doing the most. Perhaps that is true, therefore, let’s say Person A chastises Person B, insistent that she does all the work while Person B does nothing.

This example may seem pretty typical, and this is where society often gets this backwards. We often believe that by insisting Person B does nothing, and chastising them for it, it is our action alone that will make Person B do something more that he or she was doing before. This is both true, and not true. Most would agree we cannot change the other person or their actions, but we do have a much stronger influence than we might realize.

In reality, these specific actions cause a direct, tangible disincentive for Person B to put forth any further action or effort as this serves as validation of their feelings consisting of NOT feeling noticed or appreciated for the effort and work that they have invested/believe they have invested, regardless of how much or little work or effort this actually was.

This not only results in an outcome of Person B not putting in more work and effort, but in fact they most often start doing LESS than they had done before. Furthermore, this action directly drives division, isolation, and animosity into the social relationship, leading to even LESS desire to to contribute work and effort for BOTH parties.

Perhaps, Person A might need to consider a change of tact to achieve her desired outcome more efficiently or reliably.

Instead, imagine the outcome if Person A were to acknowledge the effort and value of Person B, as well as showing appreciation for that effort and value offered, regardless of how little Person A believes it to be. How would Person B respond?

But herein lies is the paradox; this doesn’t naturally make sense to us. This is often not our initial instinct. Why should we have to show appreciation for the few things others do when we might feel we do so much more?

The reality is, we are all biased. We cannot help but see things through our own lens, through our own perspective. We often overestimate our contributions, and underestimate the contributions of others. Therefore, the simple solution is: it starts with understanding. Everyone has a desire to be appreciated. Everyone desires their efforts to be noticed. Everyone desires to share the workload with others and not have it all fall on them. Working together, communicating, and pursuing understanding, with humility, grace, and patience, is the only way we fix this. We are more alike than we are different.

Final thoughts, aim PURELY at acknowledging as much work and effort by others as possible. Let them know that you value their contributions. Work tirelessly to notice, as well as show appreciation for, every single thing they do. Remain humble, patient, and pursue understanding. IF you can do this, you will be AMAZED at the results, and you might just find that others will be more than willing to return the same favor to you.

You have more influence over others’ actions than you realize, so with that power comes great responsibility.

So go, and do great things with your new found super-power!