The most traumatizing years of my life

This story is about the most truamatizing years of my life. It's my hope that anyone who reads this never goes through such things but if you have or know people who have the hardest thing to do to get through it is being able to share the story with anyone else. Especially when you can't find someone to be able to help you. True survivors are the ones who live through this stuff because it is sometimes not talked about. It happens and when it does some people are too ashamed to speak the truth about it.

My first recollection as a child of abuse is when I was beaten at age five. I had belts, switches, and hands laid on me as a child. To me it was normal, just life. I was also starved as a child. I don't think the starvation was on purpose. We all had trouble eating. We didn't have a whole lot of money, so we had to struggle to make ends meet.

We had some good times when I was a child, though. We played baseball, basketball, kickball, and swang on the swingset. I wa taught that education is the most important thing in a person's life. I was told I was beautiful and to have pride in myself. Having pride and confidence was drilled in my head. I'm not really vain, just confident. I am sensitive, though. I was taught sticks and stones will break bones but words will never hurt you.

Going to school was very tough for me. I was bullied a lot. I wasn't really liked much by my peers. Elementary and middle school wasn't as tough as high school, though. In elementary school girls used to have nothing to do with me. I was told they were jealous, which they admitted to for certain reasons.

I was stuck with a pen in middle school by a guy, who said it was an accident but I highly dought it. I'm sure it was on purpose. High school was much worse though.

After some stupid makeout session with some guy I met, I told him I wasn't ready. I thought it was ok until I felt his breath on my neck. I turned around and he was towering over me. I felt intimidated. I felt trapped. So I just got it done. I hated it. It was my first time, too. A nightmare. Other uys came along. I believe they did what they did because I was the vunerable type. Or maybe because I was pretty. I never told my family what really happened. I was too ashamed. I just began to think it was a normal thing that went on. I guess because it happened so many times. I was also raped once by a guy and molested by another. I got sick over the years over it. I stopped dating guys. I was scared it would go on again. Being pushed to the point of feeling like you have no other choice is too hard to deal with.

Peers in high school were abusive. I was treated like my feelings didn't matter. I was told to kill myself, treated badly by people from other countries in my life because I have blonde hair, and had basketballs thrown at me. I hated my peers for years after. The aftermath of my high school years was just trumatic. I had fits of rage where I harmed myself uncontrollably. I had to hide my arms where my injuries were.

Nowdays, I look at my past as a way to realize it wasn't my fault what happened. I now am ready to start dating again, I have made new friends, and am working. I'm attending school for my GED and have come to love myself.

Anyone who experiences these things should know they are not alone, and I'm an open ear for anyone wanting to open up to me. Realize how strong you are.