The Monster You Are When No One Is Looking:

In the modern age, the general population often overlooks the power of anonymity and the temptation to show an even harsher side of ourselves than we would in an in-person public setting. The screen name is the modern-day mask and the chatroom is merely a masquerade ball. According to the American Psychology Association, 20% of teenagers have considered suicide. The Suicide rates of Trans are very high among both Trans Adults and Youth, despite accounting for a smaller portion of the population. The majority of Hate Crimes and Murders of Trans People are Trans of Color.

The year was 2007 and society finally broke me. I was just a child when adults that were part of school faculty and friends of the family would ask me incriminating questions. Like many Trans folk, I could never mask my natural femininity, feminine emotions or feminine way of thinking. By the age of 10, a few Adults had already suggested that I was going to hell because God didn’t love Trans people. Every year, this mistreatment got worse. Especially, during a time when I was going to sleepovers with my female friends who could not have imagined having a sleepover without me. They were my peers and my sisters. One of the parents that was entrusted with knowing I was 2SLGBTQ was a substitute teacher and she took it upon herself to share that information about me with the student body the following week. It didn’t matter if it was her or someone else, I was obvious and most people already knew anyway. By the time I made it to High School, it was common knowledge and it was something that was very taboo because we went to school in a small town with small minds. I was too feminine to deny who or what I am, so I had no other choice than to stand proudly in the face of adversity. I remember moments when some of the school faculty would ask me to stand up and take a twirl so all the students could get a good laugh. The responsible adults in the room called more negative attention to me rather than trying to make it an inclusive space. It is no secret, that in some of my work I have discussed being a trauma survivor. In my sophomore year of high school, I was given a forced exorcism by a bible study group that invited me to a “ party. “ In my junior year, I had to drop out of high school because a group of about 9 students tried to stone me with rocks the size of my fist. Every day was a danger. I couldn’t eat in the cafeteria because students would try to throw apples and oranges at my head. The number of physical altercations and assaults that I escaped regularly couldn’t be counted. I live my life with Chronic PTSD and what society doesn’t realize is that a disability like PTSD is not genetic. It happens to you, my disability came from my trauma. Many Trans adults, people of color and marginalized people have PTSD because we have been victims of hate crimes, bullying, gaslighting, systemic oppression and the overlooking of our humanity.

In 2007, I went sober. I had gotten lost in drug addiction for about 7 years leading up to that because society convinced me to hate myself. I realized that the lifestyle I was living would have eventually been the end of me. The drugs and alcohol were no longer numbing my mind or emotional scars, they amplified what I was feeling. For the first time in my life, I decided to face the mess I was without drugs to make it softer. It was an uphill battle but in 2013, I was diagnosed with PTSD, which was upgraded to Complex PTSD and Chronic PTSD later. For many years up until 30, I felt like a child that relied on my parents heavily. I never expected to have a career or to be a part of a movement that helped people. In going sober, I relied on living a virtual life. It was an escape, a self-aware matrix in which I didn’t have to leave the comfort of my own home and got to socialize regularly. I was a part of a music community, one that at a time created a space of kinship and bonds that could potentially last the rest of your life. However, this white dominated space wasn’t too receptive of me being Indigenous, Trans or Disabled. I started bedroom DJing in 2008, it was a much needed escape while I was healing and learning to piece my life back together in my childhood bedroom. Chatters from this app began to report my DJ sets to Soundcloud for copyright infringement, they didn’t want to see me elevate or feel any sense of importance. The hatred of Trans people runs so deep, they never want us to feel good or be right in a situation where harm was done to us. It’s so much easier to make us the problem. These chatters created a narrative that I was Mexican (Mexican by the Americanized Hispanic perception, not Mexican in reference to Indigenous identity in Mexico) in an effort to strip me of my Indigeneity. This is a space where the N word is used loosely, regularly and often. This is a space where the few black chatters are referred to as animals and that me being an Indigenous person was made the victim of constant verbal attacks. There was a recording/reading of a short story they made about me, in which I was depicted as a scruffy, impoverished Trans desperate for male attention, that I was promiscuous and yearned to have a menstrual cycle. Of course, the woman that did the reading got a good laugh as they mocked my Ancestors, calling me a Goth Pocahontas and Native Regalia cheap fringe. Many of these chatters at one time joked about dead Native babies under Residential Schools. All of these insults were well thought out. In this reading, the near stoning I experienced was referenced and they used the jab Pocahontas, when most Indigenous people know her as the first Murdered Missing Indigenous Woman.

These White Chatters regularly jump to each other’s defense. They very willingly overlooked their differences in political party affiliation because White Supremacy subconsciously comes before being the progressives they claim to be. The majority of these chatters present themselves as progressives and leftier than left leaning politically. However, when met with the situations in which they could show support for people of color or the 2SLGBTQ, they were often a big part of the problem or enabled it. It is the code of silence, the unsaid understanding. White Fragility often overpowers integrity when no one you know of color is looking. Consistency is everything as an ally. It is often the discomfort of White People when Indigenous and other People of Color speak our truth that says everything we need to know. Actions speak louder than words. Being a progressive on Social Media is performative justice when you’re a bigot in a chatroom. This is just an example of what Indigenous and People of Color experience in these chat spaces. It’s what we experience virtually. Often times, it’s referred to as ' cancel culture ' when we ask for this abuse to be stopped. We are treated like we are incapable of being fun or always ruining the vibe. It isn’t the vibe we have upset, it is the White Supremacist Status Quo. It’s usually the people that complain that everything is about race that make everything about race, they just don’t like accountability. How do we expect the youth to make peace on earth, when we can’t even do it as adults? Why is it that celebrities only apologize for misusing their platform by fanning the flames of hate when it effects their pocketbook?

The youth face a larger problem than us adults approaching 40 or over 40 have. They don’t get a space away from judging eyes. It’s a double-edged sword. For many, it’s quintessential to have the internet so that you can find community. However, when you are from a marginalized community that is often being scapegoated and dehumanized in the media, there is rarely an escape in person or virtually.

by Marcy Angeles: Artist, Writer, Musician, Journalist & Public Speaker