The Hero within.

When China announced the covid virus had spread across their country, and was soon headed to the United States, I like many people never thought it would hit in a small town in the middle of Illinois. Weeks passed, and the virus inched closer and closer. Toilet paper and Lysol were endangered species, and then the decree of emergency shutdown was declared. The streets were empty, and every person was wearing a mask. I was a nurse in an ICU wing, and watched helplessly as the procedures and requirements of my job became stricter and more strenuous. Everyone was saying “Thank a healthcare worker; They’re our heroes.” I remember thinking it was nice to be noticed even if it was under such horrible conditions. I worked many hours trying to save people from the virus, and even more hours managing all sorts of machines including ventilators which is a machine that breathes for a patient, IV pumps with various drips including sedation, blood pressure management, and blood sugar control.

There was one particular night, I don’t think I’ll ever forget it. I was the charge nurse on the covid wing. We had a full house, with people waiting in the emergency room for a room. As the ICU nurse, I had two vented patients and one who had just the tube taken out of his mouth. He was on the highest amount of oxygen, but still wasn’t doing well. He was extremely confused, attempting to get out of bed by himself, and frequently taking off his oxygen which caused his levels to drop even more. My other patients were on medicine to help keep their blood pressures stable along with sedation. One of them was on an insulin drip which helped control his blood sugar. On top of everything, we didn’t have any support staff so everything was primary care. I was helping one of the other nurses discharge their patient home, when my confused patient continued to sat low. He slowly became more and more confused. The charge nurse of the whole hospital was already barking at me that we needed to get that room cleaned as soon as possible because there were patients in the emergency room that were waiting. In the mix of everything, my confused patient continued to decline. My respiratory therapist came and adjusted his settings but it didn’t help. I called his family member to give an update. She requested to facetime in hopes that it might help him calm down. I internally groaned, as my to do list was growing by the minute, but agreed. After all, this was part of patient care. I suited up and headed into his room. He was still confused but I saw his eyes light up when his family came on the screen. His family were gathered around, each one taking the time to tell him that they loved him, and once he got out of the hospital, they were going to throw him a big birthday bash as his birthday had been a day or so before. I blinked away the tears as he told each one that he loved them. Finally, they said their goodbyes.

It wasn’t long after we facetimed his family that he completely declined. I called the doctor and received the order I didn’t really want to do. She said to intubate him and put the tube back down his throat and put him back on the ventilator. I called the family member to discuss this with her. She was crying and was upset but agreed to put him back on the vent. Somewhere in the depths of my gut, I knew he wasn’t ever going to get that birthday party. I knew he wasn’t ever going home. I tried to hold onto hope as I paged the anesthesiologist. Unfortunately, I’d seen many people go on the vent and a lot less come off and go home. Covid sucked. We intubated him and put him on sedation to keep him comfortable. His breathing improved.

I didn’t leave on time as I tried to catch up on charting. My eyes burned from the mental exhaustion, and my head hurt. I was putting in my vital signs on my patients, and trying to make sure I got everything covered that had happened the night before. Thankfully, I was off for the next few days because after that night I was so drained both mentally and emotionally. When I came back, I found out that that patient had passed away. There are worse things than death, though. His family wasn’t allowed to be in the room with him when he’d passed. They were only allowed to stand outside the window and watch helplessly as he struggled with his last breath. They weren’t allowed to tell him that they loved him, or that he was going to a better place. They didn’t get to give him one last hug or a kiss or even hold his hand. I look back at that night, and even though, it was a horrible night, I hold onto the fact that even as busy as I was, I was human enough to make that facetime call. I was human enough to let him tell his family that he loved them, and they got to talk to him one last time. I can tell you dealing with the covid virus, I have felt like many things but a hero hasn’t been one. I think like all heroes though, I had a shining moment. So, it still stands true. If you see a healthcare worker, thank them. You really don’t know the burdens we carry with us as we take care of the sick.