Tenderly.

Just imagine for a moment if you will, all of your past selves standing in a crowd in front of you, each at a defining moment of their lives. Your life. Your defining moments.

What would you say, what would you do?

This is a compilation of short letters to myself, during defining moments of my life.

I hope you enjoy.

Dear 9 year old me,

You're holding a lot of resentment and anger right now, and mum understands but you need to go easy on her. There's a lot at play at the moment, that you'll come to understand in your later years. But for now, the most important thing I want to tell you, is that it's not your fault he left. I need you to remember that every time you look out at the stars, and wonder when his car will turn up. I need you to remember that it's not your fault and that mum is doing the best she can with what she has. Don't hold onto that feeling of guilt, because it's not a weight that you need to carry. In your darkest hours, take a deep breath and release it okay? When you do, remember these three words; I am safe.

Dear 10 year old me,

Don't be scared. Mum and Steve know this is all new to you, and they know you're still hurting from Dad leaving. Just like in my last letter, I want you to remember that they understand how you're feeling. They're wiser to it than you think. Secondly, give Steve a chance because he might well just turn out to be the kind of man you needed in your life. He'll love you like you should've been loved by your dad, he'll make you laugh until your sides hurt and you'll remember fond moments well into your adult years, of making dogs out of sand, and birthdays on the beach. If only you give him a chance. Most importantly, Steve will understand you more than you realise now. He'll know you're different. He'll know you need different and he'll provide it. Granted, that you give him the chance to.

Dear 15 year old me,

Things are raw right now, mum doesn't understand but dad does. Steve that is. I told you he'd be important. I know he's not in the picture anymore, and you'll come to find in your later years, that he never stopped thinking about you. He'll give you better reasons for leaving than your biological dad ever could, and he won't ever place the blame either. I need you to know that just because two people didn't work out, on more than one occasion, it's not your fault. Read back on my first letter, and remind yourself that it's not your fault. It's no-ones fault. Sometimes people simply... fall out of love. It's important right now for you to understand one of two things, mum and dad both love you dearly and secondly, this feeling will pass and you'll heal. You and dad will find ways to become close as a father and daughter again, and your mum will be okay with it because she knows that's what you've always needed. So for the time being, the arguments between them and the lack of contact, you're in the crossfire. It's not your fault at all. It's a them problem and it'll pass.

Dear 17 year old me,

He won't be the last y'know? Trust me. You'll date a few urm... difficult guys as you grow up but my biggest piece of advice here, is to slow down. The hole you feel you need to fill, isn't because you need a man to fix you... it's because you need to heal those feelings of not being loved. There's plenty of time for you to meet the right person, and you will one day, but don't waste your life wading through the mud trying to find a ring. Focus on you. Focus on healing, on growing, on hobbies or even where you want to go in life. Mostly, focus on that weird feeling you get. Because believe it or not, you'll still be here at 21.

Dear 20 year old me,

It's getting closer, huh? Don't panic. Read back on my last letter. I know you've had that feeling since you were a kid. Being able to see yourself outside of your body, the vivid dreams, the things that go bump in the night. In a year or two, you'll understand. Auntie Elaine will explain it all if you ask her. Which I'd highly recommend. She's a godsend for all things unexplainable. That feeling, that gut wrenching feeling that you'll not be on earths plane at 21, forget it. In fact, don't forget it. Understand that's it's a want and not a will. Things have been tough in life for someone as young as you, and you're not alone at all. But don't let that define who you are, okay? Don't trick yourself into believing you're not going to be here, and instead, start planning your future. Don't forget to speak to Auntie Elaine!

Dear 21 year old me,

Things are tough right now huh. I know you're feeling lost having just been let go from your first job but please know that that globally recognised company that let you go, learn hugely from you and actually end up paving the way for mental health discrimination in the workplace. Your statement during your tribunal, paves the way for others to come forward and talk of the discrimination and lack of adjustments made in the workplace for people like them, and like you. So don't tell me you never made waves baby girl! Stay strong, and speak to your big brother, he'll help you find your way.

Dear 23 year old me,

Congratulation on getting into University! I told you James could help. You're going to love first year, and Newcastle will become a really important place to you for a while. You won't live here forever, and it'll sadden you but you're strong enough to overcome it just like you have everything else. Trust me. Speak to your doctors once you've signed up and get your ADHD diagnosis rolling. Yes. You have ADHD, turns out dad was right.

Dear 25 year old me,

How're you holding up? I remember that day like it was yesterday. Take the day off of work, your bosses will understand as long as you're honest about what's happened tonight, and go to the police. Be brave, be strong like I know you can. Not just for you but for all the other women out there that he'll lure. You can do this. Just like we've wobbled through everything else, we can wobble through this. It's not your fault either. Remember that every day. Not what you were wearing, not what you said or did, you were just simply.. and unfortunately.. his next target.

Dear 27 year old me,

This won't make sense right now because you're not in a place to comprehend what's coming but let it all happen. It's going to be hard and you'll come to realise that - just like we spoke about in your earlier years - it's still not your fault. You'll realise this year that your dad, Alan, didn't leave. Mum left. You'll realise that she had to for the safety of you and Ross. She did the best she could with what she knew and that's why we ended up leaving without him that night. I'm glad you and her learnt to not only live together, but learnt to love each other again. Not that either of you really stopped, but there was a lot of anger between you, and there will be more for reasons you don't understand yet. Go with the flow most importantly, but don't take your guard down just yet. These next three years are going to be though, but you'll find your mama bear spirit - spoiler alert.

Dear 28 year old me,

So, we're in Scotland now, huh? By now, the medication would've started kicking in and things are making more sense. Have you met Patrick yet? 5'10", shaved head, hood up with a hat on all the time. When you see him, you'll know. Instantly actually. Remember to tell him that if he needs anything, to give you a shout. It'll make for an interesting 'how we met' story given your current situation.

Dear 29 year old me,

I told you Patrick would be important, by now you will have had Cian; your first child together and a beautiful baby boy at that. I know that your time in hospital was difficult, but everything happens for a reason. You'll understand that now you've got full control of your astral and clair gifts. You'll still get the odd 'that was freaky' moment but it's to be expected. As long as you remember to remain confident and stay protected, you'll be fine in that sense. No oujia boards okay! Oh, and keep working on your business plan, you'll get some interesting offers of funding next year if you keep your head down with the time you have.

To my future self and those reading,

I don't know what the future holds. I may have gifts but unfortunately they only really allow me to communicate with those that have passed, as opposed to reading the future. I do however know that life comes in waves and just like footprints in the sand, a single moment can take us down the emost joyous or the most strenuous path. I want those reading (and my future self) to understand that life is just that. It's about the highs that come with the lows and vice versa. It's the way that the universe, or god, or whatever you wish to call it, removes what we thing is vital to our lives when in actuality, it's important to release it to make room for something so much better.

Whatever happens next for you, I hope all that's necessary is removed, and all that you wish for (in your truest of hearts) comes towards you with some force and such love.

Most importantly, remember you're never alone. In a world full of billions and billions of people, there are people out there that care. So go easy on yourselves, stay strong, stay resilient and remember that whatever you're going through... it too shall pass. As long as you allow it too, with grace.

Sincerely,

Billie.