Suze is Hunting Muses, 9

Hi. My name is Suze Kay, and I’m a proud moderator of Voices in Minor, a community of Vocal authors who desire to uplift, inspire, and support one another. Every week, PViM will publish a weekly round-up of whatever lures my muses closer to my writing nook.

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Hello, Vocalites! Today is not just the 9th installment of my little series, but also my 29th birthday. It's a 'neither here nor there' age. 30 seems like a bigger deal in terms of moving through life phases, but at 29, I certainly don't feel young anymore. Today, I find myself peacefully contemplating what has changed in the last year, and how it has impacted my writing.

I changed careers

On this day two years ago, I had my first day of culinary school. That felt monumental, but it was another year before I started working in the industry. And now, I look back on my working life and see that my life has changed for the better. Every day, I feel great purpose and responsibility, and I adore what I do! I get to make delicious and beautiful food, and while I work, my mind can go wherever it likes -- typically to my writing.

Many writers believe there's a link between repetitive physical activity and creativity. Julia Cameron thinks a daily 20 minute walk is the key to a productive mind and Joyce Carol Oates is a devotee of running. I do enjoy walking (hate running though, sorry Joyce), but it never seemed to induce productivity. Cooking, however, does. It's full of repetitive motions, like shredding carrots and stirring large pots of gloop.

When I'm doing well in the kitchen, my brain is humming and producing and drafting. I'm quiet while I cook, sometimes listening to music or a podcast, often enjoying the sounds of bubbling syrup and rhythmic chopping. And when I'm done for the day, it's easier to get good words on screen. I'm a little too tired to second-guess myself, and I trust there will be days ahead when I'll be grateful to edit something lousy.

I got published

For most of my twenties, I dealt with an intense case of writer's block. I felt like a writer, but I produced very little. What I did manage to write didn't feel right and was seen by no eyes but my own. I think my biggest barrier was insecurity. I didn't trust myself to edit, so I agonized over every word. I didn't trust myself to differentiate between good and horrible writing, so I gave up on projects more easily than I began. I saw a market oversaturated with talent that eclipsed mine, so I felt like I had nothing to offer. Simply put, I was too embarrassed to open myself up to judgment.

But over the last year, I've written about just as much as I did in seven years put together -- and most of that is on Vocal, and with thanks to Vocal. You lovely readers and commenters gave me so much confidence. By consistently producing work, I learned to love the process of writing more than just the product. It's now more routine for me, rather than a practice I have to hype myself up to approach. I'm less nervous about peoples' critique -- in fact, I welcome it. Hearing what readers think (good or bad!) strengthens my writing and thickens my skin, two things I needed to dive into the world of submitting work. In the last year, I submitted stories and poems to small press publications for the first time, and I was overjoyed to be published twice.

The first was a dark short story, 'Usufructus,' published by Rock and a Hard Place Press as a monthly feature online, and then on paper in their yearly anthology. They asked writers to contemplate freedom. I talked with my mom about different avenues I could take. We discussed libertarianism, the nature of entrapment, and the types of personal stakes that one can feel 'free' of. That led to a dark, beautiful story about a daughter dealing with the death of her father.

(By the way, RHP Press runs this competition every month! Very much like Vocal challenges. I encourage everyone to check it out.)

And the second was slightly sillier. I saw a submission call from Ginger Bug Press for a CW show-themed zine and felt called to return to one of my favorite shows from high school: Gossip Girl. I rewatched the first three episodes of the first season and played a game with the dialogue. I wrote down every line that spoke to me while watching, and at the end, I chopped and screwed those lines into a poem that felt worthwhile. The result was a triptych of poems I called 'exquisite corpse: gossip girl'. I sent it off with little confidence and was so pleased to be accepted.

And, very exciting, I just got the news that one of my flash fiction pieces, 'After the Tone,' will be posted for National Flash Fiction Day on June 15. So overall, a banner year for me: gaining courage, and putting my work out there.

I got married

And other than Vocal, what built my confidence? Locking down the love of my life! We've been together for almost seven years now, but we only got married six months ago. I'm less nervous about scaring him off now that we're legally entangled, I guess, but also I'm feeling more relaxed and happy and generally confident as a married woman. I think it's improved my writing.

I write from the wound. I look at where the tension is, in my life and in the world, and I draw inspiration from it. That tension often hurts. Though I had to feel the darkness to know it, to write something well is to understand it. I wasn't able to fully process my feelings and catch them in language until I was on the other side. Now, I feel like I'm on the other side. And... I feel like, because I'm still too close to our wedding date, I can't properly put into words just how profoundly it's changed me.

I suspect my understanding will only grow in the next year. My writing will only improve as I heal and grow and love and learn.

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Well, it's been a big year. I'm excited to continue sharing my journey with you over the next one, too. I hope you'll tune in next week, when I'll be back to posting on Wednesday, and I'll be back to posting about the more granular aspects of my writerly existence :)