Take up space and fight

When I entered college for the first time I expected it to be really fun, welcoming, and eye-opening. Unfortunately for me, it was mainly just eye-opening. Going to such a diverse high school then a PWI was indeed a shocker and a pop to the bubble of who I was as a woman. When I first started I was a freshman with a single room so I didn’t really know anyone but that one friend from high school. Her roommate, who was a junior invited us all at the time to a frat party and I was excited at first, unfortunately, my friend couldn’t come so I already felt out of place but I pushed through trying to make the most of it. I didn’t feel fully invisible or uncomfortable until we got to the party and I was the only black girl there. At first, I didn’t think it would affect me, because you often hear stories about PWI and you always tell yourself it won’t be you until you find yourself in that situation. I tried to stick with the girls but as the party went on they were pulled into dances and talked to and we ended up split with me standing by a wall, unfortunately, unable to be the wall. That was the first time a piece of me felt ugly and unwanted, leaving me questioning my self-worth. Don’t get me wrong I am not big on attention but I also won’t pretend that being ignored or talked around as though I am a ghost doesn’t affect my self-esteem. I felt lost, uncomfortable and really just wanted to go home. When the night ended I went to my room and just kept replaying the night and felt out of place part of me was also angry, filled with questions like who do they think they are? And why did no one say anything or fight for me but most importantly why didn’t I stand up for myself? Why didn’t I fight for myself?

As my college journey continued I was weary of parties and who would be in the audience but sadly often times it didn’t matter because I was still the black girl. I tried building up my level of confidence and buried the thought of needing any attention focused on having a good time with those who were truly my friends and with time it worked. It didnt matter that I seemed out of place because I began making each space my space whether I took up a piece of it or the whole room I knew my presence was felt. I even minored in women studies and came across a book that made me think back to that day which could be helpful for others reading. In Brittany Cooper’s book Eloquent Rage, she states “ Are Black girls ever worth fighting for? I wonder this sometimes as a feminist who still secretly hopes for a man who will fight for her honor”. When I heard this I was brought back to that party and many other events being a black girl at a PWI and my first thought as I read this was that it is assumed we don’t need anyone fighting for us because we are seen as the strong woman or rather the great monster the black superwoman who will fight for everyone and therefore no one needs to even consider that they too may need to be rescued that in fact contrary to popular belief hero’s are the ones in most need of rescuing. They are the ones who need to be protected most, loved the most, and should be fought for the hardest because they risk the most, lose the most and spread themselves so thin it is indeed magical how they have yet to physically break and I wanna emphasis physically here because when the topic of mentally comes into play the need for protection is astronomical as they can be truly broken without one crumb of ability to begin a healing process. Broken beyond repair as many say.

I also want to acknowledge that in many ways black women are deemed not worth fighting for because we are not deemed as damsels in distress. As women, we come in many shades and sizes and some of us get the better end of the stick in regards to this society’s standards. Despite acquiring certain physical attributes we are still deemed the lesser than and why fight for what in your eyes is less than. I didn’t realize it that night but that’s the key to overcoming being that outcast or feeling lost. You aren’t truly lost, it just seems that way because you are basing your emotions on their eyes, allowing what they think and feel to overcome your presence, allowing them to remove you from any space. It’s human nature to want to be saved and it hurts when you are left standing alone on the battlefield but you are still standing. That night I allowed others to decide where I fit in and how desirable and beautiful I am and my feelings, in the end, were mainly embarrassing. I was embarrassed because I allowed others, complete strangers, to have such power. So I say take up space, as much as you want no matter what or where. Think back to Legally blonde when Elle came to the party in the bunny costume, despite being out of place she took up space and didn’t let them belittle her. I hope this story helps and I know it’s not easy and I still sometimes have to remind myself as a young black woman on her journey into medicine but in the end, it’s your body and your space so control it. You are worth fighting for so always be sure to keep fighting not for their approval or attention but rather for yourself. You are your prize, take up space and fight.