Swearing is Awesome

I am something of a potty mouth.

I know. The dude who writes books with the word ‘shit’ in the titles enjoys swearing. Shocking. Although having said that, if you read the reviews of my books, you will still find people who are concerned and alarmed that my books contain swear words. I adore these reviews. You have to be a particular kind of special for your thoughts to arrange themselves this way.

As you might expect, I am very much in favour of others using swear words in all circumstances. It’s not just personal preference: I have scientific studies to back me up, ones that state that a bit of effing and blinding “masks pain and builds relationships at work.” And yet, as with so many things that are factually proven, there are still many, many people walking around insisting that they can’t possibly swear, and frowning at anyone who does.

Which is fucking bullshit, if you ask me.

I’m not just talking about the science. I’m talking about the sheer, unadulterated pleasure of a good curse word. There are very few words, in any language, that are more expressive, fiery, explosive, and satisfying than swear words. To take English as an example, let’s look at the word fuck. For once, I’m not interested in its purported history as standing for Fornication Under Consent of King. I’m talking about the word itself. It really is a little miracle. Four letters, perfectly arranged. The ramp created by the ‘f’, letting you build an exhalation into the wildly expressive ‘u’, a letter you can hit as hard or as softly as you like. And then, the grand finale, the guillotine blade drop of the ‘ck’. A consonant that slams into whatever polite conversation you happen to be a part of. The word fuck is satisfying to say, meaningful regardless of context, and listen, has there ever been a more flexible epithet? On its own, it can express surprise, revulsion, ecstasy, approval, disbelief, confusion or a festive combination of all six. Attached to other words as a prefix or suffix—fuckstick, bumblefuck, clusterfuck, fuck-knuckle— it takes on whole universes of expression. It is a wonderful, wonderful word.

Or how about the word cunt? Be honest: you flinched when you saw it written down here. In my younger years, it was a word that even I would hesitate to use, and I’ve been a potty mouth since I was about six. But I’ve become rather attached to it. Not as an insult: it always seemed wrong of me to use a word for female genitalia as an insult. But as an expression of endearment? You magnificent cunt, you brilliant cunt, what a group of amazing cunts. Yes, yes, yes. It has a lyricism and fire to it that other swear words lack. And its relative scarcity means that once deployed, you really feel it.

(Quick note: I am not talking about racially-based slurs, or ones that slander someone’s chosen sex or gender. Those aren’t swear words. Those are abominations, and they can get in the fucking sea where they belong).

And yet, despite the outstanding possibilities in the world of swear words, they are still considered poor choices. They are looked down on, dismissed, reviled. I call bullshit on that, and I think you should too. Let’s look at some of the most common objections to swearing, and beat the fuck out of them.

“It’s vulgar”

Really? Does it ‘lack sophistication and good taste’, which is what vulgar is defined as? Swear words can be infinitely sophisticated, you shitgobbling fucksicle stick. Recognising their versatility and putting it to use is the height of good taste in language. I suspect that anybody who hits you with the V word simply considers themselves superior, above mere mortals like you, and who could do with a damn good thrashing. I am against unearned superiority in all forms, and this, my friends, is the height of that particular trait. Fuck ‘em.

“Only uneducated people swear”

What a nasty, classist, obnoxious piece of shit comment. You have my permission to beat the crap out of anyone who tries this on you. Maybe not—I don’t want to be involved in any lawsuits. But it’s an easy comment to flip back on them. Is it a mark of education to deliberately wall yourself off from a set of words? To forbid them? Last time I checked, you educated yourself to expand your vocabulary, not arbitrarily limit it based on what society thinks. Truly educated people—by which I mean people who are curious and literate and alert, not people who have a degree—will use whatever fucking words they want, thanks very much.

“There are children present!”

Lemme get this straight. These kids are being born into a world that is hurtling out of control towards the climate change cliff, where inequality, disease and war run rampant, and which is almost absurdly prejudiced against you if you aren’t white or male…and you’re telling them not to swear? Christ on a bicycle, what’s wrong with you? The sooner these kids learn swear words, the sooner they’re able to cognitively deal with the gigantic shitstorm awaiting them ten or twenty or thirty years down the track. Let your kid swear. Better: teach them how to swear with style. Not only will the English language (or whatever language you speak) suddenly become vastly more appealing, but they will be better adjusted mentally to face the world.

“It’s unprofessional”

Motherfucker, what? Discounting the fact that I have literally made thousands and thousands of dollars from writing highly professional books with curse words in the titles, or that Samuel L. Jackson had made an entire career out of a single swear word, this makes no sense in and of itself. There is no industry on earth that wouldn’t be made clearer, more interesting and more communicative by a scattering of swears. Of these two examples, which is more communicative? “As you can see, in Q3, there was an unfortunate dip in sales in the American sector related to Covid” or “Guys, Covid completely fucked our sales in the US”? Thought so.

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