“Suck It Up”: A Guide To Giving And Receiving Feedback Like A Pro

Earlier this week, I had a feedback experience that shook me up a bit. I was halfway through my course preparation task for my boss’ business coaching brand when I decided to get feedback on what I had done. To be honest, I was really proud of what I had done so far and I was convinced my boss was going to like it too. Sike! I was wrong.

My boss took one good look at the work and said it wasn’t good enough and that I had veered off the task. I was heartbroken, to say the least. The time I had invested, the research I thought I had done so well, all gone down the drain.

I refused to accept it. I tried to defend my work, tried to get him to see some good in what I was presenting. But he knew what he wanted in that course and I was nowhere near what was required.

Eventually, I gave up my defending and listened to his corrections and suggestions. Honestly, at that moment, I lost hope for the task and started taking his feedback with a pinch of salt.

Later in the day (after I had taken a much-needed power nap to calm my boiling nerves) I sat down to analyze the feedback my boss had given me and realized he was right after all. I had veered off the work and I would have wasted more time on it if I hadn’t asked for his candid feedback. I started the task all over again, this time with a clearer mind, and when I went back for his feedback a second time, he found the work satisfactory.

One way or the other, we’ve all been down this road before. Giving and receiving constructive feedback in any situation can be an uncomfortable experience, depending on how intense the feedback is. As human beings, we never like to be in the wrong. We are more receptive to positive feedback and praise. In the world of work, however, things are not always dandy.

In order to do work that matters and get results, you need to be good at accepting and giving feedback to and from your teammates, your managers, and even yourself.

First, let’s get this clear: Feedback and criticism are two different things.

Yes, feedback is sometimes a form of criticism, but the goal is different from actual criticism.

Criticism means expressing disapproval of something or talking about the faults and shortcomings of something or someone, without a clear intention of correcting it.

Feedback on the other hand is more geared towards correction, as it is helpful information that is given to something to say what can be done or improved about a performance, product, or service.

Criticism just highlights how someone or something is at fault, without giving ways it can be made better. Feedback is meant to do the exact opposite. While criticism focuses on weaknesses, feedback is meant to build strengths. Criticism deflates morale, feedback inspires. While criticism points to you as the problem, feedback finds ways to make things better.

Feedback is crucial for success in every aspect of our lives, especially in the work environment. It helps teams to work better both individually and as a team. We usually assume that feedback (or mostly criticism) should come from managers and executives. But in reality, the most candid feedback comes from people closer to you, like your teammates.

Having a “feedback-friendly” culture is important not only for executives but for employees as well, as it fosters openness and candor on all levels and enables quick and easy communication across-board. When a company accepts the feedback culture, it enables them to grow at a faster rate because there is transparency.

Going back to my example, after I had analyzed the feedback my boss had given me, I was able to go back and correct my mistakes based on the suggestions he gave me and this helped me produce a better document at the end of the day.

So how do you suck it up in order to give and receive feedback that the right way?

Giving Feedback

It can be very easy to criticize people or work done rather than give feedback. But as I said earlier, these are two different things. Feedback is meant to solve a problem, not highlight it. Therefore, the approach to doing this needs to be thought through in order to make an impact.

I read a quote in an article on Medium that said “The value of feedback is measured at the other person’s ear, not at your mouth”. This just means that you should always be mindful of how you frame your feedback because it is meant for the receiving party, not you. And if the understanding of your feedback is muddled, it will defeat its purpose.

Giving this feedback can feel very uncomfortable, but the discomfort you feel in the moment is much more preferable than dealing with significantly bigger issues in the future due to avoiding giving feedback.

To give feedback that matters, you can apply the Radical Candor framework by Kim Scott. According to this framework, good feedback needs to be “care personally” but “challenge directly”. It needs to take a person’s feelings into consideration, but be straight to the point and incite the needed change. She calls this radical candor.

By doing this, you can get the message across without hurting feelings or making people feel incapable.

Here are a few quick ways to give relevant feedback:

Don’t act nice, be kind: Being nice means pleasing others and telling them what they want to hear so you do not get on their wrong side, Being kind however means considering how they feel, but making sure they get the message of your feedback, even though they might not like it. Having to tell someone who is failing that they are failing is unquestionably unpleasant to say and hear, but it is a wonderful act of compassion to combine that criticism with assisting them in understanding why and how to overcome this obstacle.

Give relevant feedback before jumping into solving the problem: Try not to start solving the problem right away. Instead help them understand what they are doing wrong, why it is wrong and once they understand that, go through the process of solving it with them. Take time to digest the information, and then decide what to do with them.

Don’t use the “sandwich” feedback method: This is something we are fond of doing in an attempt to make the other person feel better. By putting critical feedback between positive feedback, you send mixed signals about the message you’re trying to send across and this can be interpreted the wrong way.

Make your feedback concrete: Focus on behaviors that you observed or verified from credible sources. Start statements with “I” not “You” so that it comes off as an observation, not an attack. Make sure to avoid using blur words and tell the person what exactly you liked or didn’t like so they can improve their work based on that information. For example, “We need more clarity on the roadmap.” What about the roadmap is not clear?

Never make it about being right or wrong: Whatever you do, don’t make it about you being right and them being wrong while offering feedback. You’re sharing your point of view, what you’ve seen, and what you hope to accomplish together. Then you’ll want to provide an avenue where they can express their ideas and align around common goals.

After you’ve given feedback, keep giving it and reinforcing it. Do not believe that just because you’ve told someone once that your task is complete. Your responsibility is to make sure the other party hears and understands the feedback. You must reinforce your comments and acknowledge any adjustments they make as a result of your feedback.

Receiving Feedback

Being on the receiving end is twice as uncomfortable as being the giver. As I stated earlier, no one likes being told they are wrong about something. However, you need to come to terms with the fact that no one is perfect and learning is a never-ending process.

Receiving feedback is just as important as giving it, if not more. It helps you to improve and get better at what you do if you are able to accept corrections and act on them.

Here are a few tips on how to accept feedback like a pro:

Acknowledge the good elements: Pay just as much attention to the positives as you do to the negatives. Recognition for things you’re doing well serves as a direction to where you may improve and make an even bigger difference. In general, there are two methods to improve: correcting your flaws and highlighting your strengths more. If you ignore the latter, you’re missing out on opportunities to make a bigger (and more fun!) difference.

Pay attention to recurring feedback and work on correcting them: Make notes of feedback you receive over time, look for patterns in the comments, and see if there are any that need special attention. By doing this, you can identify places where you might be lacking and seek help in correcting it as soon as possible.

Ask questions and seek clarity: You might think taking feedback means sitting quietly and accepting every comment that comes your way, but that is not the case. In order to gain more out of any feedback, you should pause to ask questions and seek clarifications where needed. Asking questions after hearing criticism demonstrates that you are taking those words seriously and are committed to understanding and applying them to your benefit.

Don’t forget to say “thank you”: It may seem a bit weird to be thanking someone for pointing out your shortcomings, but it is very important to appreciate someone for giving you a helpful piece of feedback. Remember that constructive criticism is meant to help you get better at what you do. Could that my boss have let my mediocre presentation slide by? Sure. He did, however, take time out of his day to offer some helpful advice, which is worthy of a genuine, “Thank you!”

Always follow up: Feedback isn’t necessarily a one-and-done scenario. If you’re serious about implementing those tips, it’s a good idea to check in on your progress periodically. By doing so, you show others your commitment to getting better based on the feedback you received and speaks volumes about your attitude and professionalism.

Always remember that feedback is there to correct and improve, not to highlight mistakes. Be graceful about how you give and receive feedback and remember to apply what you receive as early as possible and follow up as often as you can, Always remember that offering feedback sometimes says something about the one taking it, but it always says something about the person giving it. First, take a look at yourself, and then give criticism.