Stitching Beauty Out of Ashes

In the pale light of the morning, I force myself out of bed. Every Monday to Friday I dress myself through pure acceptance of fate. This is my reality from 8am to 5pm. A quick breakfast or perhaps a toast to take, I race to the certain uncertainty of another work day at stake. Tick…Tock…every second counts in the morning rush hour. Rushing to eat, rushing through traffic, rushing up the stairs or perhaps rushing to the elevator if I got lucky that day. Always performing under time pressure, the clock ticking and managing my actions every second of the way.

Oh’ how those days made me feel, a lack of control over my own life – a dark cloud hanging over me that wouldn't respond to commands. I needed a way out, just didn’t know how?! To take back what I'd lost, somewhere along the way. I really needed that feeling of control back in my own hands. And in the midst of a “suddenly” moment I found embroidery.

If you think it sounds naïve to say that embroidery solves all problems, then you're right. That's not quite what it does. It does what any hobby would technically do….bring joy. And embroidery is incredibly special to me, it brings more than just joy. Let me tell you why.

When I'm trapped in a world of working all day and sleeping all night, feeling like I’m trapped in a rat race life, embroidery becomes my haven place. It is the moment I become a little selfish and do “me” time. Yup, you heard right “me”! No boys allowed just like in my younger days. Today that play room door is the entrance to an embroidery haven room. While many people flick on the TV after work to wash away there stress, I’ve found a better way to use those precious hours I have left.

When I've finished work for the day and done what I can do, I settle for the evening picking up my embroidery needle. Freedom I sense. The magnitude of that feeling and what it means to me cannot be overstated. It is as if a wave of calm washes over me and I'm not in my room. Rather I'm in a space of my own creation, a little place right in my own head. My mind is free, my senses wander and I'm just existing in this little white bubble. I embroider and stitch to my heart's content.

I'm no longer work mode Stephanie. I'm creative Stephanie who can be authentic and unapologetically herself. I'm creative Stephanie with my bitter black coffee, embroidering in the silence conforming to no one’s expectations. Just simply conveying the feelings of my heart with my own hands.

There in that silence my cat sits snugly under my table knowing all of my habits, ‘oh very well’. The symbiosis between my cat and I are well practiced. We both sit to the atmosphere just the way we like it. Quiet and minding our own business. Slowly but surely I’ll start creating art, receiving no critique because it just me, myself, and I.

I hear the whispering of freedom across the individual threads as they leave my fingers only to meet again. The dopamine races to my brain as the needle races up and down the fabric, my hand turning and twisting as if a magician on the stage. The knots and stitches are given form by my own hands and I finally feel like an artist. I take pleasure in knowing that I’m performing, if only to myself, and the excitement that it brings is palpable.

And even through difficult times, when the outside world leaks through, I’ll channel my inner energy into creating something beautiful out of thin air feeling more at peace.

It's like a small implosion of sensory experience that carries you to another world and I know that by taking this time for myself will help me manifest a better day to come. When I finish a piece of embroidery that I put countless hours into; that I poured emotions, feelings and disembodied stress, the rush I feel is worth all the problems I worked myself through.

Let me tell you about a specific moment in time I needed it more than ever. I never needed it more than in March 11th of 2021. March of this year I underwent an explant surgery after having implants for 11 years. Back then, I had terrible self-esteem, and I was insecure about my body. And once the implants themselves started to harm my body, it was inevitable that they had to be taken out.

I was scared. I felt vulnerable. But I took a mental risk and pushed past barriers that tried to hold me back. Wiping off tears no one saw. Pushing past fears, only I could remove from those familiar voices of insecurities that whispered at me from long ago. And then I pushed in courage where there had been none left. I had to undergo not just the surgery, but a whole personal process of transformation. I had to radically change how I viewed myself and through this process I flourished more than ever. I felt free. And embroidering through this time helped me figure out how to love myself, how to abandon that fear that held me back, and embrace exactly who I am now. It helped me embrace the fact that I'm beautiful with or without implants. And embrace the fact that I am enough as I am. I don't need anything else to make me whole. I'm not broken. I'm perfect!

Every stitch packed away an insecurity and replaced it with love for myself. The pain flowed out of me through the tip of the needle as it toured around the fabric and created something beautiful of out of it. Slowly it grew within me; the self-love, acceptance, personal growth, and the feelings of being enough. All thanks to what was initially a form of escape. Stitching away anxiety, stress, pain, and sadness. As I left the old stitches behind, so too did my old worries and anxieties fade away. It turns out I was stitching up my own internal scars and replacing them with life. And that’s what I needed this whole time and did not even know it.

I feel the world through embroidery. The softness of the thread reminds me of the tenderness we all need to consciously emanate in this world today; something that is sorely lacking. The flowers I stitched on the woman breast canvas, I imagined how they smelled. They are a constant reminder of the need to take care of oneself as one would do to a small beautiful plant, struggling but determined to grow and push through the soil with a triumphant fist in the air. It's like art therapy. In fact, I daresay it is art therapy, with none of the formality of the bells and whistles formed through one's connection with themselves through many quiet evenings at the table.

These days, everyone could use a little embroidery in their life. Everyone should feel what it feels like to pick up a needle after a long tiring day and create something beautiful out of nothing.

I want to show everyone the joy that is brought when you pick up a needle and stitch away the pain. I want to see people’s first “Eureka” moment when they finish their first piece. I want to bring that feeling to everyone who will listen. Because it makes such a difference. I know it did to me, and I know it can to you too!

This is my project, this is my story! Stitch Away my Friend! With love from your embroider friend.