Spiritual Housekeeping

Recently, I've been feeling sick. Not the sick where it's a cold or worse, Covid, but spiritually sick. I've gotten out of alignment with my values and my truth. I'm not sure how it's all happened but I will tell you it starts to build up. I have felt different sensations in my body that are showing me that something out of the ordinary is up.

My birthday was two months ago. Since then I've had a bout with bad allergies (pollen), a lumbar sprain, a bad sciatica nerve, and now I have a hematoma on my left toe from a bad injury. That is a lot for someone who is supposed to be healthy and not even mid-forties. I knew it had to be something deeper. I've given this some thought and I've been doing my research. I believe that when you are ill or injured, your body is finding a way to speak to you. It is reacting to the thoughts you've had. Your cells are picking up all of your brainwaves and everything your mind is telling it.

I'll admit, I've haven't been in the best headspace for awhile. I've been stressed about how to make a successful living doing what I love. I haven't even given myself a full chance. I've been doubting myself and not trusting that if I'm putting the belief behind the work, it will happen for me.

I would preach this to any of my loved ones but when it comes to me, I haven't been able to receive it. I've gotten out of sync with doing what I love and I've turned my focus to the "hustle" side of things instead of being in receptive mode.

I want to say that doing the work I love has been so satisfying. I feel like I have achieved so much independently. Even for someone who is not on top of my game, I've worked hard to be here and I'm proud of that. I don't take my work lightly and it takes a lot effort to keep putting yourself out there in whatever it is you do. It takes guts. People will criticize your work, some won't respect your work, and some simply won't acknowledge it. The biggest problem is that so many people may not even learn about your work. It's a constant grind to continue to put yourself out there and be satisfied with your light.

This is something all artists struggle with. There are so many artists pumping out content, art, music, or what have you all the time, I admire these artists because you have to be consistent. You must be willing to work all the time and subject your work to everyone, including the critics. It's easy to burn out and a hard existence to maintain. The ideas will come, but you'll have your moments where you start to question if it's even good or what happened to the inspiration when it doesn't come?

I believe I've allowed myself to get carried away by all of this. The pressures of life and being successful. I have tried to define the type of success I want for myself and I have not been able to identify it. I've told myself that if I wasn't famous I would be happy making a nice living for myself. Unable to pinpoint exactly how that would look for me.

But it all stems from somewhere. I must start at the root.

I know I've been carrying a lot around in the past few years. I realize it's not so much about what happened that has affected me but the way I've processed it. The events that have happened have brought me to a difficult standpoint where I am not processing the emotions that have come with the experiences. This has been really hard for me because I am generally an optimist. I am a positive force for the people in my life. But sometimes I'm unable to convey the same energy for myself. I want to be able to find happiness in life regardless of what life is showing me in the moment.

I want to be that person for myself. I want to be the person I am for so many because I want to heal. My suffering and injuries have been running very deep. I've masked it hiding behind a smile and with a lot of busyness. I've tried to make it alright for so long, but now I know I just need to turn within.

Every experience has brought me here. I'm learning so much about myself. I'm learning how much we really do attract our thoughts. I can honestly say I haven't been doing the housekeeping, spiritually speaking. I haven't been taking care of myself as well as I would like to admit. I've been chasing demands and deadlines. Well, that has to change. My wellness has to be my top priority.