Spinning Wheel

Today I spent most of my day in a worrisome state of mind. I racked my brain all day about side hustles I can do, and how I can make an income. I have so many great ideas for businesses I would like to start. Yes multiple. Side hustles too. My biggest gut-wrenching worries that overcame me were how am I going to pay my bills, and how am I going to feed my growing hoodlums. They are so picky and I will never let anything or anyone go hungry. Should I go back to a 9-5 job, or should I go back to killing myself in a warehouse and not have no time for said, hoodlums. I will never rule working out because that is life and I am not lazy and I don’t want to ever have to depend on anyone or anything but myself. I am too proud to ask anyone for money or any type of financial help. It has crossed my mind and it made me go into a panic attack thinking of having to do that. My brain just doesn’t want to cooperate a lot of the time. Which leaves me hanging. Flight or Fight mode kicks in. I try to fight but by then my fight isn’t good enough for those around me anymore so I take flight.

Money Victim

Right now as I sit and think and type this out I feel as if I am experiencing something I despise in other people. The Victim Mentality. I am a victim of money or should I say of not having any money. I have all these great ideas and projects I want to do that could potentially make me a decent profit. But unfortunately for me, they all in some way or another need money to start. I have been working on fixing my low credit score for two and a half years. In the last two years, I have had two really good jobs. One I love so much, but I fucked that up. And why? Well, that is a bit of a long story and I will save it for another time. The second and most recent I was super excited to land. It was in a big fancy office building, well big and fancy for my area of living, I had my own cubicle, and I thought I would be performing similar duties as my last most favorite job.

Well, let me tell you what. This is the job that I realized I am an adult who has some sort of learning disability. I knew I had attention deficit disorder, and maybe bipolar but I am on medication and I thought it was helping. But it could not have been. I have never had any kind of testing for a learning disability. Yes, I did struggle in school but somehow I managed to graduate by the skin of my teeth. I just think all the teachers were tired of me. No one thought I was going to finish school but I did. I was so proud walking across that stage throwing up the devil horns and saluting them to the rock gods. I got the crowd roaring with that. I peaked in high school. I was the “it girl” “party girl” the girl that everyone loved and also the girl that everyone despised too. I was an original mean girl. I was hot, and I knew it. (at least that is what I lead everyone to think) Again that is a whole other chapter.

I was diagnosed with depression at 15. Then came the attention deficit disorder, then oppositional defiant disorder but never once was I told I had a learning curve or a learning disability. This job is the one that shines a light on the obstacles I am facing. Even when I thought I was doing exactly what I was just trained to do, I did something wrong. I forgot something that was needed on the document, I mistyped a word or address, or I added something into the system the wrong way even though I was following the notes provided. May I add I am the reason they made a whole binder full of step-by-step notes on how to perform my job for each entity I was working for? I felt like a total fucking idiot. I could tell my supervisor and co-worker in my department were losing their patience with me. I was two months in and they were still trying to spoon-feed me. Some days I would leave there confident that I did so good but when I got in the next morning I had three to five fuck ups brought to my attention right away. No one understood why I wasn’t getting what I was supposed to be doing. They didn’t know what more they could do to help me not fuck up. I could not tell you either because I did not know either. I thought I was doing it the way I was supposed to. I NEVER felt more disappointed in myself than I did at this job. One day, I had a really rough day, I ran to my car at the end of the day and I cried and cried the entire way home. I then realized I am an adult with a learning disability that I never had diagnosed as a kid. It broke me. I wish I could tell you I stayed, but I couldn’t. I left one of the highest-paying jobs I ever had and guess what, I just became eligible for benefits. What a fucking loser!

I Had The Goals

I started adult goals when I was working at my favorite job. The job I had before I found out I was a fucking dumb bitch. And I accomplished a few, and the endorphins I got when I completed the goals and checked them off my list had me thinking Andi, you bitch you did it! You’re doing it! You are breaking that generational curse, you are going to make something of yourself. I am proving all of them hating ass hoes wrong. It was a high I have not felt in a long while.

As I slouch here on my couch now, I am getting emotional. Like seriously cut that shit out. I loved that job. I fucked it up. I let outside things and people and myself get into my brain and I fucked it up. I have tried since then to go back, I have asked for my job back, and I have asked to do other jobs at the same place with the same people but my ex-boss does not want me back. I understand. I did this and I fucked up and I regret it so much.

To understand my goals and how they mostly come about, I will need to tell you more about my job and what I did. I was hired as an administrator for a small company. The company was owned by a former classmate of mine. Her mom was also my cheerleading coach in high school. We haven’t seen each other since she graduated two years before me but I remembered her and she said, of course, she could never forget me. We both came from the same small ass town overrun with Amish buggies, bars, and churches. One blinking light at the square, one family-owned restaurant, and one gas station that closes at 8pm and isn’t open on Sundays.

The job popped up on my Facebook wall. She was on my friends list but we never spoke or interacted with each other. I think she was never on social much because she was too busy owning several businesses of her own. I saw the post and thought it sounded easy, and I was ready to get out of warehousing indefinitely. So I shoot my shot and sent her a message. She replied with some follow-up questions, standard. She said Amanda you don’t have much experience with any of this. I assured her, whatever she needed of me, I will learn and I will do my best at. After that, she said she would get back to me soon. I waited a week, then another week went by. Still have not heard from her. I lost hope for the job. I was so discouraged. I cursed myself for not going to college and getting a degree in something. Why I didn’t is a long story too. Probably will touch on it in another chapter. but finally, two weeks and a day later she reached out to me and apologized for the delay in her response, a family crisis happened, holidays, and paperwork stopped her but she was finally ready to offer me the job. Only now she needed me full-time not part-time like the ad had said. I was ecstatic!!!

She emailed me my job description and my compensation and attached my job offer. Oh my god, I thought I was fucking better than everyone! I started watching The Wolf on Wall Street Religiously, Devil Wears Prada, and I thought I was Andy Anderson from How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. (Yes, you will notice in all my writings I reference a lot of movies, shows, or music because that is where my brain actually absorbs shit. Useless ass knowledge) I had a few weeks until I actually started coming into the office. In the meantime, I borrowed money and bought me a whole new wardrobe. I didn’t borrow a whole lot because I hate asking for any type of hand out but I knew with my new big girl job I could pay them back. I didn’t get everything I wanted to start off my new job but I knew in time, I will. I had new clothes, a decent car that runs, a willingness to learn, and the drive to strive.

I was so comfortable with my boss. She had a way about her that knew how to help me learn and a way to make me feel like I was her best employee. She became my best friend. I took to the many roles quickly and I did very well. I worked so hard because I never wanted to disappoint my boss. She looked at me like her right-hand gal. We were very similar in the way we thought and did things too. It was a platonic chemistry. At least I thought of her this way. Our office was very laid back, and we all made it a good place to be, and I was always raving about the building we were in. It was historical and had an old feel about it. It was beautiful, classy, and timeless.

I had many roles in my position. First and foremost I was my boss’s assistant. I did all the office administrative duties. I learned my role as I went. I think I took to this so well because I was helping someone, I was making their life easier, and I was being praised for it. Then I was there to fill in where she didn’t have the time to be. Like our marketing team meetings every Tuesday. We were coming off of the COVID pandemic so we were having our marketing meetings on Zoom. A room full of 35 big-time executives and business owners. Then there was me. At first, I was nervous, I couldn’t talk properly when it was my turn to speak, I stammered and stumbled. I got lightheaded and my body tingled and I held my breath. After a few months of my boss guiding me and setting me up with a marketing group all-star mentor, I got comfortable with our group. I made my 90-second speeches up myself now before my boss would write me out scripts. I added a flare and of course, referenced movies a lot and stole memorable quotes from them, and that really got the group waiting to hear my pitches every Tuesday! So when the time came that we would all be meeting in person once again, I had no fear. I was nervous as hell, and I worried I would stammer but I did it! That made me proud of myself.

The other role I got to do is basically be the face of the company. I would go out to parties and mixers promoting us. I would go to events and I would make sure to be in all the photos and videos I possibly could. Doing this really helped me get out of my shell. It also helped me to start taking extra care of myself and I lost weight. Score! ( I since then gained it back and probably more. Fuck me running.)I made so many new friends, important powerful people were getting used to me being around, and we were getting acquainted. It was a blast. Plus, all the drinks and food were paid for. It was probably the best part of my job. I also started to learn what we were doing on the inside, in the back end of things I could say. I felt needed, I felt like there is only one way and that is up from here. I started writing out my goals.

The Goals

These goals range from small and minuscule, non-necessity but wanted to acquire to just be a better person to big goals for my future and for my kid’s future.

work hard at my job and learn

fix and build my credit

get CPR certified

acquire my permit to carry

save money

get a new car

plan for my future double wide on my grandfather’s land

investments

becoming a better person

learn more

find side hustles to make more money

become financially stable

be able to leave the current relationship I am still stuck in

provide for my kids on my own with no help

have a better life for my kids than I ever had

I am still working on my credit. It is better than it was and better than I ever had it. I went to the courthouse and I got my permit to carry. I don’t own a gun, but I want to. And I feel powerful having it. My photo is so much better than the one on my driver’s license. I did get CPR certified for two years and I had stocks and a 401K. I could not get a new vehicle, my credit was not good enough to get financing without a co-signer. I would never ask anyone to do such a thing. I thought about asking my boss, actually, I may have subtly mentioned it and she pondered it, and said no. I understood but was super disappointed. That did not discourage me from making my vision bored with my dream double wide and all the extras I want for my kids and myself. Also the white BMW SUV I wanted just to use for work and work events, the family car, for me and my tribe to go anywhere all together fitting comfortable, and the dirt road, camping, mudding 4X4 adventure vehicle for those days I need to disappear deep in the mountains and just think. I wanted an office beside our home, the coolest tree house for my kids, I wont go to much into this now but you get it.

I now have no 401K, no stocks, no savings, I still have my old car that is on its last leg and barely fits my growing brood, no hopes of every being able to get financed for a car or my home for my children and I. I am trapped in this loveless, borderline mentally abusive,manipulative, non relationship I am in. (The “relationship” will be mentioned later in the chronicles) I was almost out. Then I fucked up, go into my head, let other people get into my head, got tore down, burnt out, and I lost it. My brain was scrambled. She was nice enough to soft fire me. I knew something was up, and I knew this was happening. I became paranoid, hateful, even vengeful. I was fucking dog shit, puss pus, scum of the earth. It really fucked me up after that. I did alot of soul searching that summer. I did a lot alone. I went into the mountains or to a remote place so often. Alone. I was so disgusted in myself. I was embarrassed. All those people I just meant, gone. all the plans I had, crushed. You can’t do shit being a broke ass hoe. I am stuck financially in a shitass relationship, in a house I rent for to much. I am relying on others more, I used up my savings, my credit cards, my 401k and stocks, I got a massive garage bill for my car and they didn’t fix shit. I was actually later at the saddest job I ever had and got another garage bill I had to pay upfront. $1400 and I am still paying on the one from before that I was able to finance with a high ass interest rate. I had to no one was going to help me. So I have that going against me, not to mention bills, bills, kids, kids, cars, bills. HELP!!!

Tootaloo

I am going to end this sobe story here. If you want to follow along stay tuned for more AndiMaieJones Chronicles. If you have any advice or wisdom, shoot it my way! And always, if you’re feeling generous, I do accept investments, gifts, loans, Money….etc. paypal.me/SeasonsofAndi

kindly, feel free to pass my Chronicles along maybe I can help just one person struggling out there like me to feel less alone.