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Ripples in Reality

Chaos seeking stability

By Rosie J. SargentPublished 3 months ago Updated 3 months ago 4 min read
Top Story - November 2023
23
Ismael Guzmán on Pexels

Sometimes I do not know whether my life is a never-ending dream or a heartbreaking reality. On Wednesdays, I feel normal, whatever that normal may be. On Mondays I feel like a villainous imposter sent to destroy everything in my lonely path, yet, come Friday I feel like a beloved victorious hero set to conquer the world for the better, for the good. I feel as if I am both, maybe all, yet equally neither. Some days I feel everything, other days I feel absolutely nothing. Either which when I do, I feel it all entirely and yet, not at all. To remain myself, whomever I may be, I balance delicately between being present, to then dissociating altogether.

As such, my reflection does not reflect who I believe I am, and when it does, I dislike it. I wish not to look. My eyes capture deceit, searching for my truth indebted to the web of lies I have orchestrated. I lose all touch for it does not understand any feeling. I can never tell what is and what isn't. A glitch, a blip, or perhaps it's just familiarity, I do not know. Déjà vu haunts me and all the senses. Left becomes my right, right becomes my left, up is down and so on.

Chaos seeking stability. Stability hunting chaos.

Escher's Realitvity (1953).

Deciding is even worse. Yes, I want to cut my hair short, yes I want to grow it long. Yes, I want that piercing and yes, I will remove it tomorrow. I want to die, but wish to live and not exist entirely. To be the centre of attention to the unwanted ghost in the corner of the room. I never know which choice is the right one, so I make no choice at all. I never know which mask to wear, so I wear them all.

I miss being a child for this reason. How I would play pretend in my endless box of costumes. A princess, a warrior, a witch, a doctor. At least back then I had the guise of childhood, now I have nothing. Pondering over the looming question all children endure hearing; "what do you want to be when you grow up?" never who, just what.

The truth is, I didn't want to grow up; I wanted to stay in never-land, with the fairies, the lost boys and the pirates, avoiding life and everything that comes with it. Yet I couldn't wait to get here, to this moment, quenching the thirst for freedom. Freedom that is taxed. Now I know this is nothing more than a hollow myth. Growing up is a devastating trap, like a caterpillar to a butterfly, destined for, well, nothing. Fated to fly, however I wish I could stay cocooned.

Decisions, decisions.

Fine Art Storehouse

And of course, decision making leads to me to think I live as I am a doppelgänger without the need of a twin. I am spilt between both. They are the same, but different. Two separate bodies, living entwined lives. Each feeling each other's pain and happiness, but never knowing which one is which. Reflecting everything and nothing. Both believing they are their true selves, when they are nowhere close. You would think having double the hands would make for light work, but when both pairs are idle, it is either utter chaos, or divine pleasure.

Perhaps this is why I became a writer, full of characters with many names and awkward faces, scared to leave the text off the page, but desperate to live elsewhere? Maybe I am my characters as they are me. A game of many faces. Am I the only one who feels like they are living a lie while reaching for the truth? God, I don't know and neither does he.

After all, aren't there a few versions are ourselves, for we change throughout our lives? Do we not change our faces depending on our place, whether public or private, friend or foe? Maybe the ones who know us truly are the ones who come to say goodbye. Re-telling memories over open buffets. They are the ones who decide whether you're a tragedy or a comedy; they are the ones in the end that write your story. Not you. That's if you know who you are. And the question is...do you?

_______________________________________________

Author's Context: I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), so try not to worry. I am in therapy for this, and am actively working to better myself to figure myself out.

Thank you for taking your time to read my work. It means a lot to me, and I really appreciate every like and comment.

If you like what I do, feel free to leave a tip, show some love and don't forget to subscribe!

And as always;

Stay safe, stay hopeful and stay blessed! :)

humanity
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About the Creator

Rosie J. Sargent

Hello, my lovelies! Welcome, I write everything from the very strange to the wonderful; daring and most certainly different. I am an avid coffee drinker and truth advocate.

Follow me on Twitter/X @rosiejsargent97

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  1. Heartfelt and relatable

    The story invoked strong personal emotions

  2. Excellent storytelling

    Original narrative & well developed characters

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    Niche topic & fresh perspectives

  2. Compelling and original writing

    Creative use of language & vocab

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    Writing reflected the title & theme

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Comments (17)

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  • Daphsam3 months ago

    " Reflecting everything and nothing. Both believing they are their true selves, when they are nowhere close." This lands for me. We all hope we are being true to ourselves but the outside world might be more involved than we think. Always a journey of self discovery.

  • Natasha Collazo3 months ago

    This was grand. Everything I’ve tried to put into words you have. I always think about the freedom of childhood. Growing up sure sucks. But I think there really is so much truth in “ creating a path and sticking to it”although it feels like we’re frauds or imposters. I think everyone kind of goes through this. Feeling all over the place often. I think that’s the beauty in freewill. Hod wants us to choose a path. 🙃 I enjoyed this so much, and I love the version of you who decided to write! THAT is the real you. You’re doing great my friend 👏

  • Moe Radosevich3 months ago

    This is fantastic, worthy of top story and worthy of my subscribing to you, kept seeing me in this story, very nice, as for your final question, the answer, Neil Diamond said it best, “I Am I Said”, tres tres bon Rosie 😊😊

  • Dana Crandell3 months ago

    I found much to relate to in this. I'm sure others will too. The question of "are we our characters" really struck a chord. I don't have the answer, but I know I'll be pondering it for a while. I really enjoyed the read and it's very deserving of Top Story. I'm also an Escher fan, and "Relativity" was a great illustration for this. Well done and congratulations!

  • Xine Segalas3 months ago

    "Pondering over the looming question all children endure hearing; "what do you want to be when you grow up?" never who, just what." This sentence stood out to me. What a great observation. Congratulations on your top story!

  • Babs Iverson3 months ago

    Authentic! Superbly written!!! Love it!!!❤️❤️💕 Congratulations on Top Story!!!

  • J.P. Williamson3 months ago

    This is a beautiful piece that I saw a lot of myself in. Thanks for sharing!

  • JBaz3 months ago

    What a beautiful, open and honest piece. Congratulations

  • KJ Aartila3 months ago

    Perhaps ... And yes, I believe it's not uncommon for each person to present variations of who they are depending on the circumstances.

  • Raymond G. Taylor3 months ago

    Thanks for sharing your perspective and congratulations on the TS. Keep up the good work.

  • Cathy holmes3 months ago

    Congrats on the TS.

  • Andie Emerson3 months ago

    You stole the words out of my mouth! Beautiful depiction of our reality, thank you for sharing part of your human journey. <3

  • Cathy holmes3 months ago

    This is beautifully written. Thank you for sharing.

  • I identified with so much of this. I would list the passages but I would end up listing the entire thing. So well done. You have an amazing voice as a writer.

  • Phil Flannery3 months ago

    I understand your hesitation to post this story. I think it was worth the risk. I don't have any disorders as such so I can only empathise. Having said that, I think we all struggle with different facets of our personality, at different times of our lives. I'm glad I read this.

  • Caroline Jane3 months ago

    I can sense your bravery as you write. Well done! As an answer to your question I would have to say no, and add that none of the best people I know do. 🥰

  • Daniel Hooks3 months ago

    This is a great piece of self expression and It shows your mastery of compelling language Rosie!

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