PROUD

P - is the problem

It is that day again, it is that meeting again, it is that time again. You are all sitting there, staring at me with your impatience and subtle arrogance. I know the clock is ticking and you want to hear me. Hear my opinion, hear my suggestions, hear my overall strategy. You say it is part of the job, so I am doing it. But I know, you won’t be satisfied. Behind your fake-friendly smile, you are already preparing a snappy comment to point out everything I forgot, overlooked or ignored. I know the clock is ticking and you want to hear me. So here I am, stumbling and mumbling some words, shreds of possible importance and scraps of probable prudence.

And yes, I do have a problem with that.

R - is the reason

Why? Well, here I am. Someone who is mentally exhausted after a long day in office. Someone who likes to think before he speaks. Someone who enjoys to listen. Someone who believed there is something wrong with him for the first 28 years of his life. Someone who enjoys bars over clubs and books over get-togethers. Someone who enjoys to be alone. Someone who needs time. Someone who was too quiet in school. Someone who wears the label boring. Someone who prefers preparing over improvising.

Hello, here I am, an introvert.

O - is like overlooked

So, you probably noticed two important details. First of all: Yes, I am an introvert. Second of all: They did not care. And I am not here to blame anyone. Actually, it is a pretty common feeling for me. Being overlooked and pushed into a role, that wouldn’t fit me, no matter how hard I try - could be some kind of title for my biography. Sadly it seems to be a very common situation for all the fellow introverts out there. At some point along the way of education- and workplace-evolution we must have been left behind. Probably because we are so quiet and therefore easily to be - guess what - overlooked. But does being quiet mean to be of lesser value? Does being restrained mean to be an underachiever? I respectfully disagree. But in this case, as I pointed out already, they did not care. They had their way of doing this meeting. And I had my way of enduring it. However, I had this thought popping up in my mind over and over. It was “this has to change” and it did not sound like a wish.

More like a quest.

U - is like “you”

It is always easy to be upset about something, to be annoyed by other people. And it would have been so easy for me to retreat myself into my favorite armchair, have a good old rant and dream of a heroic mutiny. You may say: Come on dude, let go of it. It is just a monthly meeting, nothing big time. Let these people have their way of doing it and swallow these minutes of plain discomfort.

But there was something in me, slowly growing. I couldn’t let go, I couldn’t stand aside. Especially when I realized, that there are many colleagues suffering in an equal way. I wanted to do something about it, not pushing others forward - it was my turn. And I figured, the reason for that was the understanding that the people I refer to as “they” did not play with some of my weaknesses or fears, the ignored a part of my very being.

And I could not let that happen any more.

D - is like “do”

Now what? I could have easily stopped here and honestly, I did think of that very often. But I didn’t. I came up with a plan, a counter proposal how to do it instead, I found allies and the right time to introduce my thoughts. But that is nothing against sitting in a room with 50 other people, looking at you and expecting some businesslike contribution. And I began to talk, calmly but firmly. Slow, but not hesitant. And even more importantly. I talked about my feelings, how I experiencend this specific meeting and what atmosphere is created in that room. I offered an invitation to try out another way. No demands, just another perspective. A perspective that is often overlooked. A perspective that is often not heard. But it was this time. The room was totally quiet and after I finished, two things happened. First, there was applause. Honest applause, I haven’t heard in that meeting for a very long time. But more importantly, i felt something I haven’t felt for a very long time and never before in such a profound way.

I was proud, proud of myself.