People Pleasers?

Six steps to stop people-pleasing and Start doing what’s right for you.

Are you someone who tries to satisfy others? Do you struggle with saying no and creating boundaries? Are you tormented by the thought that someone may not like you? If that's the case, I've got a tip for you. Vanessa van Edwards, a behavioral investigator, investigated all of the hidden forces that drive such behavior, which led to the discovery of people-pleasing for some people who can't help but want everyone around them to like them, even if it means sacrificing their own needs, wants, and desires. No longer do I want you to please anyone other than yourself?

People pleasers, according to Dr. Susan Newman, want everyone around them to be happy, and they will do whatever it takes to maintain it that way. They prioritized everyone else above themselves. She explained that for some, saying yes is a habit; for others, it's an addiction that makes them feel needed. This helps them feel important and as though they are making a difference in someone else's life. So listed below are ways to start saying no to others and yes to yourself :

1) Internal validation: Most people-pleasers crave recognition and admiration; they want to feel needed, so they over-help and say yes to everyone. As a result, their confidence is dependent solely on external factors, the acceptance of others, rather than internal forces. It is best to rely on internal validation rather than external validation. The greatest strategy to combat people-pleasing is to focus on what makes you happy. You don't need others to make you happy if you're happy. Participate in activities that make you feel like a baller. Spend time with folks who make you feel great without you having to do anything. Remind yourself that you have a lot going for you already.

2) Begin by making a few no’s. It's difficult to stop pleasing people cold turkey, so start small. For example, if you don't want to go to a party but feel obligated to go, say you'll go but will arrive late so you don't have to stay all night, or if someone wants to grab dinner, do a shorter coffee date instead. Consider how you can begin with pronouncing small no’s to get used to saying larger ones.

3) Allow yourself enough time. It's exceedingly difficult to say no to someone's personal requests, and it's even more difficult if you're a people pleaser. So when a friend asks you to assist her in finding new clothing, you say yes. Or when a coworker asks you to participate in their project and you say yes without thinking, you quickly regret it. Then you're irritated at them and at yourself for agreeing. That's why I usually encourage people pleasers to wait to offer an answer. Make it a rule that whenever someone asks you for something, your default response should be "Let me get back to you."

4) Be aware of your goals. When you know what you're saying yes to in your own life, it's lot easier to say no to other people's lives. Once a week, I sit down and reevaluate my long-term goals as well as my weekly short-term goals. I'm curious about what I'm doing this week to get closer to where I want to be in five years. When I have this clear in my mind, it's lot simpler for me to say no to requests since I need to prioritize my goals right now. So here are my questions: where do you want to be in five years? What steps are you taking right now to get there?

5) Remove poisonous people. Is there somebody, in particular, you've been thinking of while reading this post? You may have a toxic individual who continually requests stuff from you, and you are dragged into pleasing them. Please get rid of anyone who is poisonous in your life.

6) Stop apologizing for saying no. Say that with conviction. Don't apologize for having to prioritize. Don't feel bad because you have some responsibilities. You are advocating for yourself. Remember, no one else will stand up for you if you don't. Okay, I know you can pull it off. It's time to quit pleasing others and start doing what's best for you. Remember that you can do it!