No Manual For This

I took this picture while wandering around the countryside of Kansas somewhere between Lawrence and Atchison. From this angle, it very much captures the hopelessness of life post COVID. For the sake of this story and anyone I know who may see this - hopelessness does not mean a desire for life to end.

There truth is, there's no manual for this.... for life after COVID infection and a major pandemic. We're all making it up as we go and some of us are faring better than others. I've had COVID three times and my whole health has become more complicated each time. From chronic pain and fatigue to worsening anxiety and ADHD, navigating this new life and all it's challenges has been and continues to be a battle.

The main question both my care team and I are attempting to answer is whether or not my newest health concerns (a) have been there my entire life but went un-noticed/un-diagnosed or (b) are truly new and a direct result of COVID infection. On the one hand, I absolutely want to go through the motions of getting a diagnosis while on the other hand, I'm terrified to find out.

I've already started down the road of diagnoses and don't really like where I ended up. It isn't the formal diagnoses of anxiety and ADHD that are the problem but the outcome of each diagnosis. At first, I spent a lot of time discussing with my therapist exactly what that means. I was adamant that I did not want to take medications but promised to keep an open mind while trusting the therapy process. I did eventually end up on one medication, which lead to another, and another while learning to live life with new labels.

The first medication was to treat just my anxiety since I was having a mental break down once every week and a half to two weeks. They worked great for a bit and for the first time in my life I was able to sleep through the night without a single dream or nightmare. Next, came an ADHD medication akin to legalized meth and that's when the domino effect really started to happen. I bounced from stimulant to stimulant looking for that "happy medium" between crazy rabid squirrel and Bergan to finally settle on one that would give me about 6 ours of peace. Peace from constant worry, endless lists, rambling thoughts, random songs, the paint is peeling, this shirt is itchy, what's that sound, what's that smell, oooo - cookies, gotta pee, shiny, my head hurts, I'm hungry, when did I shower last, man I need to brush my teeth..... where were we?

The problem this created was desensitization to the constant amount of stimuli my own mind created on top of life as we know it. Imagine walking past a building and hearing a rock concert come through a closed door only to temporarily lose hearing when someone opens the door. This regular ebb and flow within my mind wreaked havoc on my anxiety, which lead to more panic attacks and an increased dose of my anxiety meds. In less time than I thought possible, I developed insomnia as a result of the first two meds and the need for a third medication. The intent for this one was to ease the burden of transition from awake to asleep. It also stimulated my appetite because of the other side effect I was experiencing - no appetite.

After almost two years of therapy, medications, and all those entail I decided enough was enough. No more medication. No more therapist. Now don't get me wrong, I am by no means "anti-pharma" or "anti-therapy". I am simply anti-makingthingsharderthantheyneedtobe.