My Own Kind

Today, I am completely spiraling.

Why today, out of all my days?

I have had 22 years to feel exactly this. That is, 8030 days to be specific. And, never has anything ripped through my impenetrable outer shell and pierced my psyche like this.

At 16 years old I left home and moved into a hostel; the reason behind this is irrelevant to this story.

The rumors started shortly after, that I had run away with a guy! Of all the scenarios they could have conjured up - a boy! (Yes, I'm rolling my eyes!)

Four years later, my life changed for the better when I had my incredible baby girl. And guess what.... ....more rumors spread! This time, a lot more creative.

A man had promised to marry me, to get me into bed. And, of course, me being a naive innocent girl, I fell for his wizardry and BAMMM, I was pregnant and he left!

Poor sod, huh!

Oh please! I have always been the Captain of this ship, my life!

None of this ever phased me, as I felt like I was always winning; knowing and living my truth.

Recently, I decided to give dating a go.

I meet an Indian guy for a date. Not my type at all however, he had mentioned he hadn't dated in over a decade following a horrible breakup.

I can't seem to help myself when it comes to helping others. He seemed nice enough, so I thought I'd meet up with him and be kind, to ease him into the world of dating.

I wish you could have seen his face when I told him I had an 18 year old mixed race child. And out of wedlock! (SHOCK SHOCK, HORROR!)

Although this was something I had become accustomed to, that evening I could not seem to stop myself from thinking a bit too deep into it.

Being the best human being I can possibly be, will never be enough.

Having built an incredible life out of absolutely nothing, will never be enough.

Knowing that I help every single person that crosses my path, will never be enough.

That I give back, as often as possible, will never be enough. The sad truth is, nothing will ever be enough for MY people to accept me as one of their own!

Now, I know I may be completely off the mark here and I am making an assumption based on the circumstances of this particular experience mixed with several 'unmatches' following the disclosure of my child, her race and no marriage. This is me speaking in real time on how I feel.

In 2022, how will we ever deal with racism when we treat our own kind in this manner?

We should be growing, learning and adapting instead of continuing generational and ancestral prejudice. We need to evolve. We need to be better!

I, of course, will have my day to mourn my incredibly prejudice culture. And then, I will move on and live my life.

Because, I will always remain unapologetically ME!