My Love/Hate Relationship With Vocal

I joined Vocal in October of 2020. But I didn't write a single word for months on end. In fact, I forgot I'd ever joined.

Although I had been writing for most of my life, I had never, ever shown anyone my work, at least not in a public way. I toyed with the idea of becoming a full-time writer, of making money from my words, but it was only a fuzzy pipe dream.

I was paralyzed by fear. Fear of being laughed at, fear of being judged, fear of being told, after over 4 decades that I sucked. Writing is such a personal passion that to reject my words is, in a very fundamental way to reject me. I wasn't ready for that.

But with my husband's encouragement, I dipped my toe in sometime around February of 2021. I posted some of my existing work that had until that point sat unread on my computer. I joined Vocal+ and entered some challenges. If I wanted to do this writing thing, it was time to do as my mother always said, "sh*t or get off the pot."

I joined a few Vocal-related Facebook groups and suddenly, people were reading my words! And they were saying nice things. I didn't exactly trust their compliments. These are fellow writers, of course, they'd say my junk was good, especially if it was serious crap, less competition that way.

What I found instead was a wonderful community of friends.

I read their work and I felt inferior in their presence. I thought about quitting. I saw the same writers over and over again, the "power players," getting Top Stories. I never got those.

I kept my work limited to Vocal and the related social media groups. I didn't share it with my personal friends or family. Not a single one of them knew I ever wrote a coherent word in my life and I liked it that way.

Then, one June afternoon, I received an email saying I'd won the Boss Mom Challenge and a cool $2500:

I thought it was a scam and ignored it. F|or a while. Then I decided to check, and guess what? it wasn't a scam, I actually did win.

I was over the moon! I was also confused because other pieces that I worked my butt off on got no traction at all and this story, about my mother and I and our complicated relationship, written admittedly when I'd had an extra glass of wine, wins? Made no sense to me. But hey, you wanna give me money, I'm not going to argue.

And the money came. And I was hooked. I was getting everything a writer dreams of, a little loot and validation. I was good enough. I began to think maybe I could actually make a go of this writing thing.

More wins and placement followed. I was on top of the world! Vocal was showing me the love hardcore! Ours was a passionate affair. I could do no wrong by them and they were perfect in my eyes.

I resisted joining other platforms because when you're valued and loved so much, why on Earth would you go elsewhere? It felt disloyal somehow.

Then, it all went dark. I was still being passed over for Top Story, but I didn't care about that, I didn't get them before, but I won challenges. Then I didn't. If Vocal was the local police department and I was the world's worst criminal, I couldn't get arrested.

I worked hard on challenge entries only to be ignored over and over again, for months. I sat by and watched non-compliant entries win the prizes while I pouted. And it wasn't just me, others noticed too. And they left in droves.

But I hung in. I remembered the good times. I had hope that the love was still there. Maybe I just had to work harder, pour more of my heart out, bleed on the page, or screen more.

Nothing, nothing, nothing. My love had new writers, shinier writers, prettier writers. I was out and they were in. I decided to leave. It was time to break up.

I stared at that cancel membership button. I decided to wait until the Vocal+ Fiction Awards were over. I'd already entered, so just in case, I didn't want to ruin my chances by ending it.

And then, a finalist nod and a free year! And for fiction, no less. Vocal DID love me, they really did! And just like that, I was back in.

I entered every challenge. And I was ignored. No Top Stories. No wins. And every single time I was ready to pull the plug, a crumb, a placement, a win, and yes, even a Top Story.

More people left. The prize purse decreased, but the love was back. Vocal was, once again, showering me with the affection I craved.

It filled me with motivation to work harder and do better, to prove I was worthy of their fickle love. I put more time and effort into crafting my pieces. I wrote things that I was actually proud of. For the first time in my life, I was proud of the things I'd written.

And nothing. My masterpieces sat ignored. I was ready to quit again. This relationship, I decided, was toxic.

And then, more crumbs, more Top Stories, a couple more wins and placements. Oddly enough, they never came on the work I was most proud of. It was always the other stuff, the random rambling I passed off as submissions, the stuff I seriously considered deleting, like this one that won:

A few more placements, a few more Top Stories. Vocal is keeping me hooked in $5 and $25 increments now. They leave me out in the cold, lonely and unloved only to pull me back in at will with the affirmation and warmth we all crave as writers.

My free year is almost up. I'm thinking of breaking up again. I mean I've gotten a lot out of this relationship, even though it's complicated. I'd like to be strong enough to tell them they've gotten their last $10 from me, but then I see a challenge, or my story on the front page, and I'm back in again, like a silly schoolgirl with her crush chasing that next warm feeling.

I'm hooked, Vocal, and you hooked me, hope you're happy. ;)