Memories: 9 January 2023

9 January 2024

A hideously humid day. I made a YouTube video of even date then worked on my sterling silver charm necklace, of which the chain broke apart while I was sitting at the back of my garden with Charley. So I soldered the broken link closed.

Peter visited with Rusty the caboodle whom he is dog sitting. So Rusty and I had epic cuddles. He tried to eat every leaf and piece of wood on the ground. It was hilarious but we both had to watch him like a hawk.

Charley was up on my neighbour Warren’s awning roof again. Safe from Rusty but I had a little trouble getting her to come back down.

Jarrod rang me and said he is not well. Partially blind all of a sudden since Saturday so he was on his way to see a doctor and get a blood test. Looks like he has full blown diabetes after all. So I am very worried about him.

9 January 2023

10.00 am awake. 5 solid hours of sleep. Wow. What a life. Insomnia et al.

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5 am time to sleep. I am exhausted.

9 January 2022

11:11 pm standing in my kitchen a few minutes ago we hear the sound of tinkling like a glass breaking. Bobo runs to the door. I race after him. Open the door. No one there. Nothing broken. I decide it was my windchime but maybe not as there is no wind right now!)

So either it’s paranormal activity or it’s someone in my street breaking glass. Bobo ran to the gate. But I can’t see anyone.

9 January 2021

I highly recommend watching “I love Dick” on Amazon Prime. Brilliant, quirky and glorious!

9 January 2020

I had a beautiful day with Lyn and Peter. Lyn and I had a late lunch at Wellington Point and spent time looking at the sea as well. It was just what I needed. The sea and the company of my dear friend.

I had two swims in their pool. Lyn made a pool up for Beauregard too. He played ball. In the evening we watched Jojo Rabbit which was a rather amazing film by Taika Waititi about the Hitler Youth.

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10:03 am. Just woke up from intense complex and repetitive dreams about having to go back to the house at 92 Haig Road Loganlea (a house my mother lied about buying for me which I rented from her and moved out from in October 2001).

The focus of the dream which is nonsensical (as dreams often are) was that I had left all my clothes, furniture, kitchenware, even important documents and was now living somewhere else but being obliged after living elsewhere for months to reclaim all my chattels. In the dream I had not paid rent and just walked out and left everything.

I focused a lot on looking at the high fences that had several different vines growing on them and admiring the flowers and the garden. I did not seem to give a flying fuck about the house or my stuff stored there and became quite distressed as the dream Progressed, trying to work out how I was going to move everything on my own or whom I might be able to get to help me.

It grew in intensity that is, the emotions of being stuck between two homes and two paradigms and the sense of desperation as I really did not want to go back inside that house.

Also in real life I never left anything behind except that was the beginning of a long estrangement from my mother, and father (his estrangement lasted until his death). No regrets there. They were enmeshed with Buck Scherer’s psychopathology and greed and were utterly vicious.

So why is my unconscious searching for imaginary “chattels” left behind in that house? What am I searching for?

It’s probably just an old trauma dream as moving house 8 times with my children was always intensely traumatising. The bushfires and so many people losing their homes and possessions is probably triggering my subconscious into old memories of feeling abused and homeless or stateless.

I must remember that I am safe here. I have lived here for 16 and 3/4 years. I am safe. I created my own safety. I was gifted safety also.

So my brain can just settle down and rejoice that I am older and wiser and that all my enemies are either dead or long gone. Safe. Safe. Safe.

When a fortune teller back in 2000 read my cards and told me she saw me living elsewhere in a house with a mushroom coloured roof, surrounded by lovely trees and that I would be safe there, my immediate response was to burst into tears.

At that point in my life I could not imagine in my wildest dreams of ever being truly safe. I cried for a long time. The reader was taken by surprise at my strong reaction.

Safe was something that up to that time I had never actually experienced. It had an unusual flavour that I had not tasted yet. But she had seen my future accurately. A great gift indeed.

When I was finally brought by fate to this house I stood in awe. It was exactly as she had described several years earlier. She was right. I have been safe here. Or safer. She also told me this was the last house I live in and then, seeing my shock, changed it to “the last house I live in...alone!”

I did try to kill myself in this house. So yeah, that old Tanya had to die and I had to hit the reset button on my life again. I am still alone though. Probably always will be. It’s a big factor in keeping myself safe so I have no regrets there.

Anyway I did not leave any of my possessions behind. If anything in the past 10 years I decluttered and willingly donated a lot of things to charity. I have relinquished my grip on holding tight to stuff that does not serve me or invoke joy.

So why my subconscious is meandering about in a home I don’t miss, that was another lie fabricated by Buck and Gisela and used as a weapon against me, I have no fucking idea.

Perhaps it is their spirits searching for a link to the last place where we had any kind of “connection” albeit a traumatic unwanted one after all their invasive abuses.

I will need to think about what it is “they” want me to remember. That must be it.

Interestingly I got chills when I looked at a video just after waking and saw mention of flooding in Nahariya Israel. Nahariya is where those filthy spiteful abusive CUNTS Terry and Gila were born and raised.

So right there, bam, confirmation of my trauma dream. As they were involved in all the viciousness with Buck and threatened me and my children for 18 months when I lived in Kaiser Court.

Even my former much-beloved Rabbi had commented that I was reliving some ancient war (WW1 to be exact) as I moved from Kaiser court to get away from Terry, to Haig Rd. Haig was one of the British generals that fought in WW1 against the Kaiser.

Uri, not being of a spiritual or kabbalistic bent did not understand that my soul was indeed being forced to relive ancient traumas, by continuously moving away from these various abusers: the worst being my own mother and father and de facto step fathers. He did not know that my soul had had past lives as a warrior (which is shown in my horoscope - Aries the god of war and my chronic complex ptsd+++ from my extremely violent and sexually abusive prejudicial childhood!

The stink and stain of which created cascades of further trauma in my adult life as I drew to me, more filthy abusers than I could barely survive.

Even in recent years, falling in love with another cold avoidant Machiavellian type and the last Chappy that was “courting” or rather grooming me who proved false and potentially dangerous so I ended that friendship after catching him out lying. At 54 years of age I have finally healed enough to recognise a dangerous toxic love rat when I see one.

54 years to finally grow the fuck up and trust my own instincts and intellect. To set myself free of all potential abusers before too much damage is wrought in my life. To forgive myself that these types find me so fascinating and attractive as they crave control or have their own timelines to tweak.

But not my circus not my monkeys. Love me in a healthy respectful way or fuck off back to hell where they belong.

I am too old, sick and tired to trifle with monsters anymore. I deserve a much better, happier life. As do we all!

9 January 2019

I now understand why my friend Antonio (previously “stalker no 2”) is so upset about the way women friends of mine have treated him at the casino.

I was told he got upset as he wanted to share my woman friend’s chippies and she refused. But he was good enough for buying her and myself drinks for the past 3 years or so.

As much as I made it clear I would never desire a sexual relationship with him (due to the first 4 years of lovesick obsessive stalking) I do feel quite strongly that it is not acceptable behaviour to treat him like shit when he wanted to share a few chippies.

Now I understand why he felt so hurt and disrespected. Good enough to be used as a resource of free drinks (and he also used to supply packets of chips).

I get the woman friend’s line of reasoning that she did not want sweaty men’s hands in her food but Jesus, don’t exploit the guy then.

Ugly! All of it!

…

Integrity is everything! I will not align with traitors, users, liars and false people.

To those of you who are sending me negativity, hate and deception, I return your evil foulness to the power of ten.

This includes the living much beloved friends and family as well as the spirits of the dead ones.

I don’t have time or room in my life for any more false foul people.

Those I identify as backstabbers will be removed from my page (as they are too perverted and voyeuristic to remove themselves).

What you are doing is not cool and not funny.

Jarrod Nielsen: Oh, the stench of mendacity!

Me: Amen to that Brother! The Desiree fell off the streetcar and she never did abide the filthy putrid stench of mendacity (and betrayal). Love you Jarrod! Thanks for being there for me. Xxx

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I just blocked Terrie after seeing photos of her and Jenny on her page. She rang me last night at 8 pm asking me to come for coffee. I demurred as it was so late in the evening.

Then tonight (9:15 pm) I saw she was with Jenny and Brendan yesterday.

I am not comfortable about her lying to me saying she was not going to pursue friendship with Jenny. Another game player. Trying to upset me.

Oddly Karen had just contacted me prior to seeing Terrie’s post and I had said I need a break as I can’t trust anyone. Even I wondered why I felt that all of a sudden.

My intuition, spot on as usual.

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Another traitor bites the dust!

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To the person(s) on my page that I suspect spies and will run information back to that vicious traitorous woman of the poor vaginal hygiene.

A few more things you oughta know: as I have said, karma to the power of ten. My former sexual partner that was cruel to me will utterly get more than he bargained for. He thinks she is wealthy. I can assure you she is a pathological liar and not quite as well-heeled as he hopes.

1). She claims to own her house. (Yet she could not afford to repair the Insinkerator or the ducted air con. Her laundry cupboard lacked enough sheets or blankets (I know I was utterly freezing one night while I had to listen to her squealing like a pig humping some stray she picked up that night).

I went to look for a warm blanket and was so cold that my teeth gnashed together. Another woman friend came out and saw me shaking and gave me a sheet. Decent.

She is still driving her car (the one she told me she wanted to replace with my new one if I was going to sell it? WTF?). Envious of my one asset I had to fight for, for 2 1/2 years.

I had gone into panic mode as my beloved dog was dying of a tick and I seriously considered selling the car to save her and Sarah said she could not help me with the money for the vet ($2000) so I understood then that she had no money and I had no choice but to let my dog die as it was too late to save her anyway, due to the vet’s negligent advice to wait 24 hours.

I am glad I did not sell my car to her in panic as she would have conned me out of a good car and I still would have had a dead dog.

Surely an independently wealthy woman would have updated her vehicle by now?

She claims she was a dominatrix but when a man asked us to take him home and whip him (lmao!) she acted all terrified and wimped out on the deal. (Which I found fascinating and amusing, as she claimed to need money at the time $20k to be exact to fund a house she claimed to have bought in Tamworth, a deal that went wrong with the agent or so she claimed.)

3. She tried to turn my own daughter against me. My daughter told me she is a disgusting human.

4: She damaged another young woman by viciously slandering her at Irish Murphies (that young woman has since had a massive nervous breakdown). (Fiona)

5 She was part of the group that got me banned from IM pub also.

6. During our friendship 5 years ago she made out she bought my dinner several times (I was so grateful too, obsequiously so!) but my daughter informed me she either split the bill or paid for me, so even that was a lie.

She is nothing but a con artist and a liar who is incapable of decency, loyalty or integrity. She uses and manipulates people to get what she wants. She is utterly selfish. A true Narcopath!

…

I took some clothes to Salvoes, bought cat biscuits, then stopped at Amanda’s for a coffee. I had an interesting conversation with Jason then went to the dog park with Beauregard to run around and chase a ball. All in the stifling humidity. My second set of clothes are drenched through today! Now back home, sweating and dreaming of Canada or Alaska or Antartica. Lmao.

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I never diet. Ever. I try to avoid anything that has Die in it

9 January 2018

Thank you to all my beautiful Soulful friends who sit with me in my pain and grief and occasional bouts of torment. Who buoy me up when my life becomes meaningless and absurdist and who also sit with me when my vibe is ebullient and stoic and resilient and truly miraculous.

Thank you to those who love me in spite of my squidgy awkward inadequacies. Who stand with me and throw me back up on invisible but strong shoulders to carry me and then gently dust me off and throw me back into the fray (or the 3-ring circus).

Whose Love is steadfast and unshakable. Whom is brave enough to laugh with The Tanya.

You are my heroes, my champions, my blessings in a life that was maladaptive and constantly interrupted and too often misinterpreted.

Thanks for grooving with me and growing with me and soothing me. Let Love always be our guiding Star!

Amen v’Selah. Truth, Love, Light and a picture of You 😉

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Today is another gorgeous day. In spite of my grief and disappointment. Life surges further on. I can catch this ride or the next. No one has power over my decision to be joyous. I might even go back to the beach. Byron is calling.

In the meantime Charlie is happy to spend time with me. Bobo is recovering from the big swim yesterday. We are a tad exhausted. My exhaustion is soul deep and fed by Antarctic streams.

My heart will thaw as it does so miraculously and majestically each and every time. Love is greater than the sum of other humans’ objections to my Being.

Rejected again and again but by whom? Of people who hate me? So really what is the value of their opinions of me? I gave the best of myself. It was never good enough. It will never be good enough.

If I died tomorrow their memories of me would be tainted by toxic lies and delusions. They would make up grand stories. Until the end of Time only the Truth will set me free!

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I had a lovely day at the beach yesterday. In the evening the rising and shining Tanya was thrown down face first back into the mud where she belongs. A fight about me posting photos on Facebook. I am constantly rejected and humiliated as a mother. It seems endless and pointless.

This is the same shit I have been put through for decades. Nothing changes. I am so tired of this. I did nothing wrong but love.

I don’t belong in this life. Every day is a reminder of my failure as a woman.

I will stay alone. Safer that way.

9 January 2017

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After seeing the Susan Ley case I think I should stand for parliament. I have been living upside down on the fringes of society as a parasite on the Australian government on a weekly stipend for too long. Why?! The govt assisted me out of rightful property settlements and other numerous systemic abuses.

But look how easy it is to be a parasite on the other side of the coin. My god! The woman is a genius. I can pretend to care for the common good while milking the system for negative geared apartments on the Gold Coast.

Oh wait. I forgot. I have Integrity and I am not a lying arsehole. Instead thousands of my fellow poor and disabled were hit with bogus debts from Cunterlink as the underdog must pay for the politician's gravy train.

I know. Confabulation of two distinct miscarriages (abortions) of Australian governmental justice but I am just here for front seats to the Revolution of consciousness as this country of descendants of thieves and knavery needs to stop lining the pockets of arsehole elitist cunts and remember that this country owes its citizens basic respect, human rights, equal opportunity and human decency when representing us in government.

We the people, the poor, disabled, raped, tortured and debased, deserve better than this evil shit.

I feel like I am living in the Hunger Games.

9 January 2016

6.12 pm just woke up. Oyyy! House very quiet.Better see what the dog and cats have been up to!

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This evening, just before awakening I had intense dreams about my mother and sister. I was living in our old house in Island Bay. My sister came over to harass me. I went into our mother's room to search for fresh bed linen and was horrified to discover my mother had stolen many sets of Sheridan bed linen I had bought on sale (in real life when I had money years ago, I used to buy this).

I also found that in a shelf above the bed linen she was growing potatoes on a tray with dirt on it. (This part of the dream nonsensical as you might grow mushrooms that way but never potatoes). So I went about squeezing the spuds to see if any were rotting. I was very angry but also sort of disassociated. I told mum off for stealing my linens and Angela off as she had rung her husband Grant and was bagging me out.

Very weird dream which, as always with my brain, mixes fact with fiction.

I had a dream before that where I was transported to the future. 3046. Not sure what that number signifies. There was a horse, lambs, goats all living in suburbia. Alongside dogs and cats. But there were much bigger properties with huge gardens and even small farms producing food.

I asked where all the industrial complexes had gone. The woman said they blew up or over time got so toxic noone could live on that land. She showed me huge swathes of "National Park" that no one could live on or work on but were being returned to Nature so the land could heal or be untouched by any further human interference.

No one went to these places because of radiation or toxic levels. I felt shocked. People lived harmoniously, sharing resources as they had come to realise that excess stuff and greed was killing everyone and everything. So everyone shared.

I was sitting in the lounge room and witnessed a neighbour leading a horse, bringing bread. Then the woman showed me where the shops were. They were all solar-powered and stocked beautiful clothing, anything you could ever want. So there was no actual poverty. You could still be opulent if you wished. I liked that.

People tended to focus less on the material but it was there if they wanted it. People didn't walk or drive cars around the neighbourhood or local areas. They sort of flew. A few metres from the ground. "Hovering". It was cool. I got to try it. It was quick and effortless. But they still rode horses and rode bikes and walked if they wanted. Walking was more for a pleasurable pursuit than transport.

Such a weird dream but I was so immersed in it. I kept asking where I was. I thought it was down Logan way. But later in the dream I felt it was in the UK and I spent some time trying to figure out how so I was in the UK 1030 years in the future.

It got a bit stressful as in the dream, I thought I was trapped there. I saw a cat with similar markings to my Taly who died many years ago. For a moment I thought it was her. I got really excited as I then thought I was in heaven or some other dimension.

I didn't mind staying there as there were so many animals and humans supporting each other. But I then shifted into the 'mare about my family.

I woke up at 6 pm. Seroquel knocked me out but didn't stifle the Psychedelic Dreamer's technicolour dreams.

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5.23 am. Home from dancing. I had fun with my lovely ladies. I have had an Epsom salt bath. Time to Schluff.

Bobo is on my bed with me. In 7th heaven as he has not been allowed all week as he peed on my doona. Hopefully he won't do that again. Puppy Love. Almost like having a 2 year old brat around. But he is a sweetheart. (When he is asleep!)

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I want to buy some knickers size 18 for my homeless friend. Also small shampoo and conditioners and any other handy things she can utilise in small packages.

9 January 2013

Just watched "the Lives of Others". Wunderbar! Amazing how one man's courage was able unravel the DDR. Proof that Tolkein was right. "Even the smallest person can change the course of the world".

I am satiated and happy right now, having fed my mind, heart, soul and imbibed some chocolate. Laila Tov, Y'All! Bis Morgan!

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Felt really depleted today. Crawled out of bed just in time for my appointment at the "murder house". Was I in for it! He had to take imprints and make two temporary front teeth while he sent the moulds to the lab.

Omg, lots of drilling and poking about in my mouth! They look good though! Even the temporaries look better than that bastard Public Dental Clinic did for me. One more month to wait and I will be finished. One more reason to smile!

Then I summoned enough energy to wash the car (it's first) and water the front garden. Phew!

9 January 2012

Gail picked me up and made a nice dinner of corned beef! She also gave me lashings of Southern Comfort and Xmas pud with Custard! Happy Tanya Now!

9 January 2010

had a nice time visiting Gisela and playing some really old schmaltzy German songs on my phone to her. She seemed to really enjoy the music.

I rang my sister in NZ also, so she could talk to her and although Mum couldn't talk back, she pressed her face hard against the mobile in an attempt to get closer to Angela. Was sweetly weird! Or weirdly sweet LOL

She died on 7th March 2010 (the day after my father’s birthday and the day before her own mother’s suicide in 1949. I had begged her spirit to choose her own death date but she ran out options. But interestingly slipped away on her own day, in between. So yes The first week of March is forever tainted by the deaths of my formidable “ancestors”.

Update 7 Jan 2021: (Rolls eyes)….she died two months later on 7 March 2010. I still can’t believe the cruelties of both those women. Glad one is dead and the other declared me dead. I don’t need those evil bastards in my life!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons