Memories: 7 January 2023

7 January 2024

7 January 2023

It’s been another day of feeling unwell. But I managed a quick walk around the block with Bobo and Charley.

I am sitting in my studio sawing some copper pipe to make bangles and observed this spectacular sunset. Another day is over but a new night begins.

7 January 2022

I remade this drawer handle. It used to be wired on as I lacked the skills. I had to cut off some of the mother of pearl (old earring) that was scratched and had the holes drilled into it for the wire.

Then I had to saw the top off the bolt. Then drill a hole in the back of the horn bead to fit the bolt. Then had to drill a slightly larger hole in the drawer to accommodate the bolt. It’s looking much better now. Very professional! :-).

#titaniasrealm #upcycling #oldbrokenjewellerybecomesdrawerknobs #brisbaneartist #art #homedecor #brisbane #australia

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3:37 am unable to sleep. Might as well get up and do something with my raw excess energy.

7 January 2021

7 January 2020

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I had a lovely visit from Sally Castle today. She is en route to Vietnam to holiday with her beautiful daughter, Rachael.

Bon voyage Sally! Thank you for all that you do for me xxx

7 January 2019

I have schadenfreude. I am laughing on the inside. The former lover who still stalks me at the casino and was so vicious as to accuse me of having an ugly vagina (untrue!) and a weird personality (meh!) now is schtupping a former friend who I actually was dumb enough to look after for 5 days when she was blind after having eye surgery, who in return for my kindness betrayed me at Irish Murphies and turned half a pub against me (again, meh! Superficial friends, and all that!)

The former woman friend has some weird hygiene issues in her private parts that I can only refer to as untreated chlamydia or vaginosis. The stench from her loins is so bad that one starts to puke. Fortunately for her, some men are not bothered by rotting genitals (or have no sense of smell?)

Anyway I once cursed him with karma to the power of ten (rightfully so!) and now he has his own homegrown ugly stinking treacherous vagina to match his own ugly treacherous heart.

So karma is operating beautifully. Couldn’t have asked for better myself. Water finds its own level. Like cures like.

It is all a bit triggering for me to be honest. I really loved that filthy douchebag.

But you know the last woman who betrayed and harmed me and my daughters via her filthy stinking green teethed brother ended up flashing her vagina on National TV “Today Tonight” in July 2008, in a neighbourhood dispute.

What is it about low calibre madwomen flashing their gash or spreading their stench far and wide?

My personality might be weird but only to toxic filthy men who can’t destroy me but at the least I manage to look after my puss, yeah?!

At least I know one thing now. G-d really does Move in mysterious ways and the stench of their betrayal that has caused me immense grief for several years far outweighs their putrid stinking genitalia.

Also ....psy sighs...freedom from filthy ugly hearted empty soulless people will bring me to a better outcome.

Maybe once I clean out all the residual filth I will attract kinder healthier, more honourable partners.

So the message here is clear. They should never have fucked with a woman (me!) whose love was authentic and strong and deep.

As Lyn reminded me yesterday, these people, these former friends and lovers sought me out. Wanted to use and abuse me. Thought they had a compliant victim. Went over and above to destroy me.

But once again, G-d is on my side. My G-d I barely even trust in anymore after a sad and treacherous abused life, always lifts me up at the 11th hour and blessed me with Enough faith to go on another day.

The former lover appeared to me when I first set eyes on him in a golden light. I fell in love with that light. The former woman friend too, had first followed me to the kebab shop and seduced my friendship with false flattery and of course offered to include me in her group. I told her then, that I belong to no group that would have me as a member but she said “Everyone wants to belong, Tanya” and I loved her then.

Like a fool I fell for the classic narcissistic lure. The human need to belong. I knew then as I know now, by bitter horrific experiences that I belong to no one. But G-d, the earth, the universe and my Self. Thank all the gods for that!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons

Postscript: 5 years ago, yesterday I went to nurse that treacherous bitch. Hard to imagine how I could have been such a fool.

I even slept beside her like one of her lap dogs. But ....Karma...karma. She is rotten from soul to vagina and her atonement will come. Of that I have perfect confidence in the gods.

Fuck it anyway. I shall not regret my good heart that nursed that foul creature. A psychic vampire par excellence.

Nor shall I regret helping deliver Gila (of “Today Tonight” infamy) of her baby son. For which I was rewarded with constant threats of rape and mutilation and murder for 18 months and the police did nothing to protect me and my kids.

Nor shall I regret the many times I came in like a crisis care team to protect Gail, Lucy and Christina. (Another long term friendship that became toxic).

Nor regret going back after years of estrangement to visit my mother when she was granny dumped in the Alzheimer’s high care facility.

I won’t regret lying in bed making love to all the false feckless lovers (and husband) in absolute denial of their pernicious violence, treachery and fake love.

Not even the last $2 Solo lemonade rubber band man I told to never ever come back to me again. (I found his stinginess utterly disgusting).

I don’t even regret the love I poured into the last cuntwaffle who sat with my vacuous unfillable rotting hole of a former friend.

Love has its own raison d’être. Its own energy. It purifies me and ennobles me.

What has been tainted and taunted, defiled and scorched, agonised and expended on trolls and their trollops, ghoulish fools with nothing but hatred and envy and spite for me will be transmuted into something spectacularly beautiful and edifying.

Kintsugi. We can rebuild The Tanya. A million times already. What is one more... and let us not forget I have another incarnation as well. If I stupidly go into the light. That fake golden light that attracted me to cuntwaffle! Haha.

Fools gold and a cuntstruck zombie had to grow back again. Yes I did. Even in that growth period, attempted suicide and a year later went off all my psych meds and fucking healed my mind.

So excuse me, if certain dickheads think they can push me over the edge. Good luck with that. Even the spirits rejected me. So here I am ...stuck in this paradigm... for now.

Holy convocations to take care of. My body, my soul, my life. My heart, my mind. Mine. Mine. Mine.

A woman of valour, her price far beyond rubies. Valued by my friends.

Blessed Be the Holy One who brings me to my season of joy.

We are just putting a few old ghosts to bed. Then we get up and dance again. 🙂

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There is nothing more wonderful, more powerful, more stoically beautiful that a woman whose time has come!

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2:11 pm a reminder . Everything you ever need to Know is already inside you. You are the seat of your own power. Soul. Go within.

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If today you did nothing but breathe and fucking Survive... I salute you. Welcome to the Thriving. Our day is coming. Be ready. Rest when you can. Take action when you can.

The evil ones will live yet to quiver in their jocks and putrefying panties. Now I understand why she was slavishly crawling after me about 6 months ago. Guilt. Interesting, n’est ce-pas?!

As one of my longest friends does often remind me: I always...always find the end of the story. It’s often quite startlingly glorious too.

7 January 2018

Just watched The Lady in Black 2. Very creepy. Before that Philomena, about the nuns in Ireland selling off babies of young unwed mothers to Americans. Thousands of mothers are still searching for their children. Awful!

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My nephew (actually my former husband’s nephew) is bringing his wife and children to Brisbane next Sunday. He says he is looking forward to seeing his Auntie Tanya.

Crystal and I will drive to the Gold Coast to spend an afternoon with them. I am very touched that he wants to see me again. I haven’t seen Mark since he was 12 or 13.

He says he feels isolated from his family and wants his kids to meet us all. He was always such a good hearted child.

I am nervous but excited to meet him and his wife and children.

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Crystal came to pick up her tent. Also the camping bed and camp chairs. So that was a lot decluttered from under my house already!

Tomorrow we are going to Coochiemudlo Island. It will be another lovely day. I already told Beauregard, “one more sleep” and he smiled back at me!

7 January 2017

This afternoon I attended the memorial of a family friend, Karin Hill. We were friends when I lived in Waterford West. I attended the dinner later. Just got home.

It was lovely to spend time with her daughter Ashleigh, granddaughter Chloe, and other family members. My, how time flies! Chloe is 11 now. I feel very sad to have seen so much time pass and to have lost this beautiful woman.

The memorial was held at the Logan Art Association. Karin's art was on display and her achievements were highly praised by her fellow artists and council members. She was much loved and admired for her drive, work ethic and her gentle nature and delightful giggle.

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2.42 am home from dancing at the casino. It is raining again. I am so tired. My feet hurt but I had a nice night. Now smooching with Beauregard, watching Dexter and relaxing.

7 January 2016

Today has been a roller coaster of emotions thanks to an avoidant man and my inability to let go of my heart attachment. Yesterday dealing with a horrible woman who badly affected my daughter.

Now I need to be drunk. Really really stinking drunk. I rarely let myself get like that. FML. I am so raw and turbulent right now. Like a freakish storm. I have no Valium in the house due to a stupid wasted suicide attempt.

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I am destined to spend the rest of my life alone. I have fought hard against this. I have loved beyond measure, sanity and safety. Always being played for a fool. I am so fucking easy to destabilise. It is a delicious game to some.

I have never had true love or stability. This time I tried so very hard to change that pattern of neglect and abuse. Now I see it was pointless and only served as entertainment for lesser mortals.

I am so fucking fucked up. No self-pity. Just facts. Will I do this again until I die? Probability: 97 per cent. Because I believe in dreams, wishes and love.

Sucker for punishment. End stage trauma patient. Kept myself alive on dreams of a different future alone. Always smiling into the abyss and genuinely surprised when its invisible grasp pulls me down. Heyoka-style. (Insert hysterical laughter here).

Fuck You, The Tanya, G-d and the thing that gave me this life. Whatever magical invisible force-field kept me alive for no good reason but more suffering. Buddha nods quietly in the corner. "Life is suffering".

Fuck you, you smug tree-hugging former prince, who abandoned wife and family for "enlightenment". Another tosser like my father "a rolling stone gathers no moss" miscreant violent bastard.

I will go down to Valhalla with honor! At least Odin would drag me to the pub for the best Mead in town and set me a worthy challenge. Not spineless lying weak men.

Maybe that is what is wrong with me! I am not happy unless I am striving for the Impossible Dream/Unconditional Love. Any kind of wholesome Love.

No! Thor and Odin and Freya and the Holy One, the Schechinah have plans for me. They won't let me go!

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Heartache. Eternal heartache of a sunlit mind. Denial. Despair and a creature called Hope that lies dying and floundering on the threshing floor. Fee Fie Fo Fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman. Buttered Toast, Anyone?

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My mother, my father, my half-sister, my godfather. My stepfather. Too much forgiveness, never an apology. Just more and more abuse. Fuck them! Well now I don't have to deal with any of them. Strong and free! Hallelujah.

7 January 2015

I am suffering terribly over a failed friendship (potential love affair). I allowed myself to be led by the nose like an old mule and played for a fucking idiot. It is an old old pattern and I am grief stricken.

I can't say I didn't try to keep contact and hope floated for real.

Time to heal, withdraw all my beautiful love energies and rebuild my life. Again. I am seriously too old for this constant emotional abuse and abandonment.

When I think how I have been played I feel like throwing myself from a bridge and when I think how many times I have fallen in love with Narcissists or Sociopaths or Both, I feel like Building my own bridge, then jumping off it. My life is eternal suffering and like a fucking Dog I keep choosing the same cruel, inconsiderate, voyeur, vicious pricks.

Please remember, when I finally can't do this life any more, that at the very least in the past 2 years, I had some fun. As my new motto has been " I just want to have fun before I die!" But this last guy is the needle on the Dromedary's back. I am dying in a hellish desert of lack. No sweet balm or comfort for me. Why he faked interest in me only to be cruel, I have no idea.

I do know I deserve someone who loves me for real. I am done with arseholes!

(How many times have I said that??? At least a thousand! My lovelife is cursed and has been since Birth.)

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The good news is I get to keep my license until 2017. The specialist was satisfied that I have explored all options for treatment and that I have maintained my weight over 2 years so my sleep apnoea won't be worse.

Next time I am due I will just go to my gp. Thank Goodness! I was worried sick!

More good news. My optometrist found the designer glasses I wanted the Hospital to put lenses in. She was going to send them back to MASS. I said, "Forget it. I won't go another 3 months without." So I put new lenses on layby for the designer frames.

This way, I will have 2 pairs of spectacles and no buggaring around half-blind, trying to read and watch tv with the inappropriate Magnifiers I've been using for 2 years. Woot!

Clear Vision will increase my positivity ie abundance aspect in life too.

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10.25am. Dragged myself out of bed for the Sleep Specialist at the PA Hospital.

Hopefully I get to keep my license.

I feel very fragile emotionally after a prowler last night. You can't get hold of Holland Park Station at night. I had to report to Police Link. I had to take my Hockey Stick out with me when I let Harvey out to pee.

When will people fuck off and leave me alone???!

7 January 2014

I am at Sarah B.’s looking after her as she had major eye surgery today to correct an astigmatism. She can't see for four days so I came right over to make sure she is comfortable for tonight.

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Been to Aldi. Picked up a few things. Devastated they aren't stocking my favorite Lubeck Marzipan anymore. I had a craving.

Now waiting to see the specialist. Blech! I hate hospitals and how they make an appointment with you then make you wait hours past the actual allotted time. I've been dreading it since yesterday. New wing at QE2 looks nice though.

I got an appointment tomorrow with my psychiatrist. Haven't seen him for a while so lots of stories to regale him with.

On 5th Feb I see the Sleep specialist probably to get another medical clearance for my drivers license.

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I am at red rock noodles. Decided to drive myself but wanted lunch before my appt. Going good :-).

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3 hours sleep. I was exhausted but this is very odd to be so wired that I don't sleep much. Must be the Prednisone. Not sure I should drive with so little sleep though. Damn, as I wanted to get groceries at Aldi after hospital appt. Oh well, it will wait.

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Been outside tying up a lattice made from jute for borlotti bean vine. My eyes are sore yet I am still not sleeping. I have asked Jarrod to give me a lift to my hospital appointment and I will come home by bus.

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5.49 am still awake. Hohum! Get up and mop and vacuum floors??? (Lyn stop laughing...it could happen y'know) lol

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4.21 am been up all night watching Lost Girl then got a mad burst of energy so sorted the spare room and labeled boxes.

Just had a nice cold shower and am gonna make an ice coffee then contemplate sleeping as I have an appointment at QE2 hospital tomorrow @3 pm to arrange a Gastroscopy to sort my stomach issues. Finally!

7 January 2013

I'm off my Face...book some time with y'all laters!

Sylvia Shine: c'mon,get back on your face,i for one, will miss your patter,so up and at em x x x !

Annie Bee: Well where is the rest of you???? LOL

Annette Highlands: i wont comment xxx

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I've got a Love who keeps me waiting...waiting...waiting! I sure hope he is worth it!

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I watched Red Ridinghood. Really enjoyed it!

7 January 2012

Sorting Pedro who is worse than a woman to get ready to come out with Gail and Me to Greenbank RSL for Motown Tribute Night!

I am feeling hot and a little bit dangerous lol. Just add alcohol! Va va va Voom! (One can see I am ready to get a Life- bored of slumbering Somnolence Staggering through Life getting Nowhere!)

7 January 2011

Day one of my mood stabiliser, I only took a quarter dose and I feel much calmer but Mooted rather than Muted. Expect the usual passionate rantings just with less Heat LOL.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons