Memories: 6 August 2023

6 August 2023

12:06 am They found a way to get rid of me from coming to the casino. Harassing me after 12 years of sitting in the far right hand corner of the stage. They tell me they are going 5 star in the new casino. So my type is not welcome anymore.

Nice. After I supported all the bands here. No loyalty to a longtime customer. Oh well. Moving on is healthy.

Dead dog…dead toxicity in my dance space. New life incoming…

And what is more…this just confirms my suspicions that they set Sigal up with accusing her of theft. They are clearing out all the older eccentric customers. It’s disgraceful.

I am glad that I got to see Jo one last time to give her the earrings.

I have suspected they would “ease” me out since they got rid of Sigal two months ago. It’s so low scum of them that they could not do it to my face but had to use security to harass me. Shameless.

But my star is rising. I put a lot of personal energy into that space. But better times are a-coming.

12 years I rose above their borderline vicious sabotaging bullshit.

This is the face of FREEDOM.

….

2:02 am Dear people of Brisbane..it’s time I started existing in a parallel society. We need to start our own “club”. Somewhere safe. Somewhere where I am respected, and treated with decency.

There must be others like me. People with courage and integrity. With laughter and light. People who genuinely enjoy my efforts. Who don’t sabotage or use and abuse. Where are you? Come find me.

This city has turned into a cesspit of dishonour. Perhaps it always was. The Us and “Them” mentality. The convid vaccinated versus the unvaxed. Did I not tell you that ultimately it won’t matter as the infestation of Mother Hydra’s babies will be endemic and will alter the soul consciousness of the masses?

I witnessed it, chillingly, when I had to euthanise my beautiful baby, my dog Beauregard, The vets and the admin staff spoke robotically, as though adhering to a script. They were cold, callow and malevolent. We are not dealing with genuine humans anymore. Be aware of that.

Then tonight’s slithering sallow behaviours. I knew that man was a raging borderline. Two faced and capricious. Like the Nazis of olde…if I had fought him about it, he would have just gleefully informed me he is just doing his job.

I left on my dignity. No time to waste on lacklustre sociopathic treacherous idiots.

So now I have been pushed out of my longtime dance space. Interesting.

They think the new casino will be 5 star, upmarket, perhaps to match the absolute wank of calling the Myer City centre “Uptown”.

But this Uptown Girl knows…this city is dying, all around me I am watching it slowly devolve. Yes I am sure the new casino venue will be lovely, also Elitist. “Them” must be soo disappointed we haven’t died en masse…yet. So they will have to up the ante.

It’s for the best I don’t get to witness the death spiralling first hand. It was harrowing enough losing my dog.

I have been monitoring this for months now. The real viciousness started when the young aboriginal man sat with me and we danced and enjoyed each other’s company. “THEY” were very vicious and threatened by me actually interacting with a man. So you know, what can you expect from alien invaded entities?

All you can do is let go and let love with compassion for their own destruction. They chose their poison. I chose to keep my body and mind pristine. Such is life. Horror movie…right there on my tv…has now become real life.

George told me a few weeks ago that “one of the homeless men might stab me”. I knew then he was trying to put the wind up me. Ultimately it’s not the homeless men that “stabbed” me but the Treasury Casino management, the tech guy (who was so kind in recent months, putting the fan on me) and a few of the regulars who are now ex friends as they treated me like trash at a Turkish restaurant back in December 2020 and I refused to allow that.

I still remember walking out on those women with my head held high and the sweet release and delight of freedom on that hot summer’s rainy evening. The steam sizzling in the rain puddles. I decided that I was never going to allow any bastard to denigrate me for my poverty issues again, as I have always paid my way.

Then Tuesday with those evil perverted vets who constantly demanded money and more money then denigrated me over my dead dog. Denying him the comfort of his mother for the entire day. Monsters!

I hope they burn in hell for what they did to me and Beauregard.

As for the casino…meh. They fed off my joy, light and genuine Love for a long long time. Now I am Done. No more mockery, or sadism or false friendships. I will miss a few people there. Jane and Jo and Sally and Luke. We danced a long wild dance for 12 years.

Thanks for the good times when we were all still pristine, and sweet. Sending love to those who truly loved me…and a big fuck off to the rest!

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1:22 pm I had to laugh when I just realised those lowlife scum dogs harassed me out of my dance space under the excuse that they are going 5 star at the newly built casino venue.

There are zero stars in hell in a space that allows men to shove their hands down the backs of women’s panties, that allows women to get mock raped by other women, while not wearing panties at all.

That allow Othering of the one woman who could see the whole house of cards collapsing and still danced there anyway. Your five stars are not worthy of me. What are you gonna do now you have “cleaned” up all the loyal customers who actually had heart/intellect/personalities/courage?

Hmmm. I can see the new venue populated by npcs and dead soulless empty zombie vessels. Oh wait…it’s been like that for a while? I wonder what brought that on?…. Well we all know, don’t we?

Who are your overlords, Treasury Casino? You are no longer under human dominion. No one in this whole country is ruled or managed by humans anymore. Ask me how I know. Lmao.

You could have behaved like actual Adults: your managers could have treated me with courtesy and respect and not got your security guards to do your dirty work for you. You are not worthy of management positions, you are an embarassment and a disgrace.

And no I will never be silenced.

I chose to remove myself from your toxic wasteland. But people are not dumb, they can see what you did to good people who did no harm but sought to dance. I always bought at least one drink so I always paid my way.

But you killed the dog and the dogs of winter will eat you in the end. It’s natural law. Be ready. I will wait!

5 stars…hahahahahaha.

…

3:01 pm interesting cloud formation

6 August 2022

6 August 2021

Today’s vainglorious acts of Defiance!:

I did the washing, changed my bed linen, cleaned Charley’s cage and then cleared the guttering. I am now walking the dog and bird.

It’s a glorious day and my bird and dog and I will thrive! 🙂

…

Yesterday I rang my daughter. She is in quarantine for two weeks because someone brought the latest variant to her workplace at GOMA.

During the conversation I asked about Jasmine who she informed me has moved to Sydney. She unleashed on me that I was an awful mother for kicking Jasmine out twice during her adolescence.

I reminded her that she always conveniently forgets the full picture. The stealing, drug taking, abuse of me as a mother when at that time I was barely able to cope or provide for them and under constant vicious attack so sending Jasmine to her father when she was 15 was the right decision at that point in time. Later when I kicked her out at 19 it was because of the escalation of violence and financial abuse.

Crystal informed me that Jasmine was a child and that it was I that was in the wrong. She also told me that my psych is useless as he has not taught me resilience (interesting bit of projection there).

I have reached a decision. Covid has brought out the ugliest and basest in my family. But Covid is not responsible for the ongoing pernicious historic abuses.

I told Crystal that I am angry because not once (especially in recent times with my dead cat and that vile colonoscopy which has left me weak and in pain) has she ever stood by me. I ended the phone call.

So here it goes… in recent years I have been actively decluttering my home in preparation for what, I was not even sure.

But I have reached a decision. I don’t have a family. The last remnants were my friend Jarrod and my daughter Crystal. They have been moving carefully into a more solid alliance over the past ten years. I love them but I am well aware that I have been pushed aside and isolated even further, especially in the past few years.

Since I am forced to go through this life, constantly struggling and alone (especially now in a pandemic that frankly will get worse before it gets better) then I must actively choose my own life and carefully curate my future (if there is any hope of one for me).

I am done being rejected, abandoned and even attacked when I am vulnerable. I have had a lifetime of that.

So as soon as I possibly can afford it (and have eliminated the rest of my stuff that holds me back) I will take myself and Beauregard and Charley and move as far away from Brisbane as possible.

This city has been a trap and a misery to me for 33 years. I stayed here initially when my marriage imploded 26 years ago so my kids could have access to their cuntish father. That was a mistake I am still paying for.

I am alone and in truth always have been. I will take back control over what is left of my life and strive to be happy.

Where will I go? I always dreamed of living in Byron but I can’t afford that.

I am also very conscious that I would be at high risk of homelessness and that I would never again get such a lovely government house and garden so will likely would end up in a tiny one bedroom place somewhere.

The other option is suicide. Ever more tempting as this pernicious abuse keeps escalating. Sigh.

Bregje Tit: I do só resonate with you, in every aspect that you mention. Every. My family is diminished to only my brother and mother and I'm having difficulties with them, which are echoes from the 80ies when we lived a very humble life after the divorce. They never draw lines between the past and now and wrong patterns are repeated daily. Through therapy I learnt to recognise them but since then I got more lonely since they absolutely do not understand and are very self occupied. After looking at all my friendships and lovers, I realised they all mirror my family dynamics: it is always about them, they never put effort in the relationship with me or give attention. I have been pushed and programmed to be the rock, the helper since I was born. So recently I lost two good friends (the two ones that were left) and it feels scary and unstable, but I can't go on with relationships in this form (I give, they take). I am truly alone and I can't talk about it because nobody understands and if I start, I always get a reaction like "maybe you are selfish yourself, you want too much" etcetera. I only want some sincere attention and understanding. Then, I live in the centre of a city that is like a Disneyworld for tourists and young people with money. I am looking at the rich dumb people who are destroying this earth with cars, motors, boats, expensive clothes and jewelry and drugs. They have shallow fun and scream all day and night like toddlers. So I also like to move, to a more natural place, but I can't afford it and I need an Aldi close by (for their coffee 😂). So I understand you, and your process, and you are not completely alone, and reading this, neither am I. 💖

6 August 2020

…

Me: Laura Martin I have a few Recovering Christian friends. I myself am a Recovering Jew. I am Spiritual. Sometimes I am still an Asshole but only when it matters.

I see so many fake people and false prophets and power plays and epic epic narcissism and psychopathology wrapped up in religious or spiritual dogma.

But as an elderly man recently reminded me: I am a catalyst. I bring light to my own darkness and when people try to abuse me or are deeply shallow they quickly discover their own mirror.

This year I have catalysed quite a few people right out of my life as I saw their viciousness or treachery. The last one did it right in my face so that was a gift of sorts.

No playing catch-up trying to figure out where I went wrong or why I was feeling so depleted. A psychic vampire par excellence.

I recognised I must be deeply powerful in my core as I survived all that even while dancing post-surgery. Being drained when you are already physically sick with a chronic infection like the gallstones was not Cool.

But true colours were shown to me in that supermarket. Smiling sadistically at me cos he knew it would be the final straw.

I actually held my sacred space (but left my body momentarily) it felt like the doors opening and closing between worlds...like the opening scenes of Maxwell Smart.

My psychiatrist asked why I didn’t just yell at him to fuck the hell off. I said there was no need. He had smirked in my face and I had just stared. In shock as he had faked friendship so well.

But I existed in a fake marriage for ten and a half years.

I had a FAKE mother-daughter relationship. Trying to get love from loveless cruel people was somewhat of a Specialty of mine. Now I am Done.

I just walk away with my head high knowing, I could never have had any kind of true love/friendship with people like that. They lack the Soul!

The Heart! The Decency and the Courage.

It takes Courage and Loyalty to be in my life. I was so very Broken so I had to grow from so many many traumas and rebuild myself almost to the point I became a little bit Suprahuman.

I never had a chance at a normal Thriving existence. But I tried. I went dancing. I put myself out into an often unkind sadistic shallow world and I grew myself up.

Each time I grew, some cuntish demon disguised as a lover or friend slashed me back down, tried to bury me alive, but I bloomed in the desolation, the desecration of the Desiree! The Tanya. The little One that wanted only to be loved and valued and respected. Cared for.

Not much to ask but it was almost impossible. But I had a lovely day yesterday.

Lyn came to visit and we hugged and held each other a long time. It meant a lot to me. That human connection.

So yes, sometimes I writhe in my own fury and cast down curses and throw bones at people who only threw their own shit in my face.

Sometimes I am the Haggard Hag and other times the Warrior Goddess Queen, resplendent, triumphant and glorious.

It’s all part of my journey to Becoming. Everything and nothing. The I and the Thou. Sublime to Riduculous.

I woke up this morning and declared my usual affirmation: I Am Deeply Loved, valued and cherished.

...and so it is.

Not many mortals love me or appreciate me. I understand why. It’s okay.

I will keep doing Me. 🙂. Blessèd Be all the manifestations of Love, Light, Truth, Beauty.

We got this!

Sheila Snow: I am both

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I highly recommend David Icke’s show “Escape The Matrix” on Gaia. com.

What he is currently saying makes perfect sense.

…

Trigger warning: spiritual/religious abuse, csa

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6 August 2019

Yesterday I was rather frantically mopping the floors, when Jarrod arrived. Wryly he quipped “What Celebrity is coming to visit this time?” (It has taken me 6 weeks to recover enough strength to properly vacuum and clean the floors. So this was indeed a moment of triumph! Lmao!)

I replied “No one...they are all trickster spirits but my house will be clean!”

So later in the evening I received a text from my errant disengaged daughter. Asking to come over next morning to pick up the remains of her stuff I have been storing since she dumped everything and ran away to the UK like, um, 4 and a half years ago.

She is hiring a van and putting everything into storage as her apartment has black mould and is ruining everything. Then she plans to move into a better place.

I whatevered. Whatever. Whatever. Whatever Vassss Everrrrrrr. Scheisenhausen! I turned to Jarrod. “Here comes the celebrity you prophesied....”

We both had to laugh. My intuition is as usual on point. Further decluttering of Crystal’s stuff will be nice ...at long last.

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6 August 2018

Asthma bad. Unable to sleep. Constantly craving my Beloved. (Whyyyyy?!)

Not giving up on my beautiful heart. I love, therefore I am. Sacred beautiful gracious blissful soul. Never going to regret the love I was gifted to pour out of me, like an ever-spiralling fountain.

23 years alone and still alive and still precious and still growing in love and finding soul connections with those who honour me in profound and miraculous ways.

I was played for a Fool, violated, desecrated, decimated but I got up again. Climbed higher in my dream. Dared to venture into the night, amidst the darkness of my own soul and found magic and bliss and lightness of being in this tired patched up broken body.

The past few months have been amazing. I have found new vigour and zest for life, in spite of all my pain and suffering and relentless griefs for what was taken from me. I am replenishing myself from the Source of Life itself, even as I long to gently let go.

I am tethered by heart and by the primal confluence of Mother Earth. By her songlines and by the magic of the Dance. By joy in small things and right now, by my purring cat, Penny!

Thank you my brave and beautiful friends: for loving me no matter what and bearing witness to my myriad rebirthings. Breath by breath, step by step, day by day. The years have fallen away and still we hold on to each other.

Older, wiser, patiently marking Time and waiting for our Godot and losing our religions but finding Love and Magic in strange places.

…

I am seriously considering writing submissions for the Me too campaign but the thought of all the ignominy and betrayal by my community fills me with an abject sense of utter worthlessness. It’s like walking around like one of those new-fangled Dyson fans with a giant hole in them, sucking and blowing out air all at the same time.

Like a fucking sinkhole, signifying nothing, going nowhere but ultimately cooling or heating the pain of my paradigm and the angst of our times.

Then I have moments of feeling like jumping off a tall building or throwing myself in front of a train to obliterate the thing that had to survive no matter what but just wanted to be loved and keep myself and my children safe.

I have experienced several months of happiness but now the old dog of Truth comes knocking...a choice to remain Silent or to light the way for others to learn by my not-so-fine example how to get older and find freedom and joy after being blown apart one too many times.

My daughter says I need more spiritual healing. She wisely says there is power in Silence when screaming from the mountain tops has only left me hoarse and dry.

I concurred, as my own mother used to ask me “Why does it always have to be your head on the chopping block, Tanya” while underneath that she slowly insidiously sliced and diced me until I could barely stand on my own two feet.

Why do women sell each other out or down the river when we finally stand up, breast beating our Berserker battle cries of dignity, justice and truth? For I need to thrive! To be fully alive and to have my truths honoured.

Good luck with that. I have had to be strong for far too long and soon enough, my screaming serenade to the Void will be silenced by the grave (but not yet...the fighter remains...🙂 ).

I think of those who left me to flounder or worse: those who climbed on my back as I lay dying and whipped my carcass to fuel their greed or false personifications of their reputations (one a clinical psychologist, another a retired social worker). Women who walked away when they realised it was bigger than Ben Hur and I was never going to make it...) But there were/are good kind people too.

Signifiers of a life worth living, worth striving for. A homeless woman who called me her angel but only because I took the time to be her friend as I have lived the life of the outcast and the derided and shamed. Walked in those boots and climbed that mountain. Every.fucking.time.

There were sponsors from my former community who lent or gifted me with enough money to survive another day, or to move house to safety, or to find another way. Some whom later then debased their gifts by accusing me of not paying back in full (a lie!).

But I also thank my hidden angels in positions of power who protected me, when I was falsely accused of defamation. The whole thing smacked of a set-up but I stood up and was counted and placed myself in the firing line when no one else could or would (and that is whom I am and how I live: by integrity and raw grit and chutzpah (temerity!) to face the abusers down wherever they conglomerate in their oozing fetid masses (the asses!)

Then I tried to kill myself after the confluence of events amalgamated into one thing too much, only to be rescued by my determined stoic earthangels again. “You shall not die but live” it screams in the Machzor on Yom Kippur.

The Tanya (me! Little fierce but broken Hobbit woman) say it’s not how we die that matters, it’s how well you have lived and when I sleep in the dust of this beautiful earth who will lay beside me, with their griefs and spiritual beauty and hold my hand across the dimensions and say “You lived well, you fought hard and I am so very proud of you!” For I have had no lover, no father or mother, no human who can tell me that and mean it.

Except perhaps my psychiatrist but he is paid by the State to build me up, Buttercup! Thank G-d for him. A little bit of healthy transference is okay 🙂.

It’s not yodelling you hear...trust me on that! (A tumescent humour gets me through, please forgive me!)

But I digress...me too...me too. And on we go, my bright beautiful survivors and warriors of the Spirit.

…

6 August 2017

I am awake early. I slept a lot yesterday, in recovery from dancing on Friday night. I cannot dance both nights anymore. Even one night nearly kills me. But I will keep going for at least one night as long as my body allows me.

I have tooth pain again, in the last one they operated on. So maybe having a tooth infection that comes and goes is knocking me around. Who knows?

Anyway, I am up and about. Looking forward to another gorgeous winter's day. I had a coughing fit when first stepped outside to greet the sun. Who knew fresh air could kill ya?! But it soon passed and as the morning progresses, the air is kinder and warmer to my lungs.

I miss my daughter. I miss my (unrequited) Beloved. I miss my opulent home in Byron Bay that I have not manifested yet (;-) haha ). But my life is still awesome. So here we go: choose Life. Let's celebrate!

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Happiness is watching Charlie have a bath!

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I have cleaned out the pond filters. Topped up the ponds. Cut some lovely lavender flowers for drying, pruned a few heliconias. Now knackered, craving wine and good rest. Hmmm. I will have to settle for yet another cup of tea instead.

I sense a big change coming. Even though I am exhausted I have a roiling excitement in the pit of my stomach. Just need to wait for what manifests. It's in the hands of the gods.

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Oh my goddess. Rain at last! (Of course as I refilled all the ponds and watered the garden!) Let's hope it's a good healthy cleansing as the earth here needs it!

PS Nup just a fizzling dribbling drizzle...again! Just as well I watered.

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Re-making necklaces. Watching The White Princess. The Tudors were a corrupt lot. Interesting!

6 August 2016

Last night was amazing. I went into full tribal dancing mode. On only 2 drinks all night so now I know it is not the booze that drives my insatiable lust for stomping and thromping my beleaguered 51 year old body into the ground.

At one moment I thought I might have a heart attack. But I kept going. Until 3 am when suddenly the surreal ghost of a former athlete/warrior/ancient spirit of dance left me. It poured into the floor like a discarded silken chemise. I watched it float away and reabsorb into the dance floor.

Instantaneously, on went my cardigan, biker jacket, satchel slung peremptorily over my shoulder, Kisses of goodbye to my casino friends.

Lurched out of there. Sat down with George my busker friend, then staggered with exhaustion to the kebab shop so I could feed my face. Stomped back to George. Ate my kebab then stumbled to the car park, so written off physically, I could barely get into the car. Had a brief rest then drove home.

Another long rest in my driveway. I turned the car off and sat in the soothing dark. For long minutes. Contemplated sleeping where I sat. But thought of my old woman's back. Got out of my car, scrambled haphazardly to the steps (laughing inside that people who saw me would assume I was drunk). Painfully scaled the 12 steps to my door.

Let myself in, let Bobo out, removed jewellery, corset, bra, clothes clothes ugh clothes -and boots. Let in my faithful committed mutually exclusive true love, The Beau en Regard (look at him! Awww!) Carried him atop my bed (he has finally learned NOT to pee on my bed so gets to enjoy the electric blanket and De Mama's warm snuffly snoring snd molten body fat. Bliss.

So the little bastard fights with Penny for top dog position on my bed. She hisses and snarls in contempt, leaps off the bed, vomits. I don't care. Fuck it! Too tired. The undeadable zombie creature must rest.

I pass out, not before thinking as is my wont, of the one I love and how splendid magnificent wild my life is, but the price of being single/isolated/admired and abhorred in equal measure by men who shoulda/coulda loved me the right way but can't or won't, sends me into a few minutes of deep deep grief. But then..fuck it. This is who I am now.

Warrior goddess of love and hate, fear and loathing but also so much Love that burns inside me like a fire. A fire that cannot/will not be consumed by mere mortals or shadow puppets. A former zombie woman livessss. To dance another night.

May the Holy One that created my soul and coordinated my journey and threw obstacles to Love Joy success in my path and laughed when I stumbled and crumbled like a Violet Violent Crumble (chocolate never far from my psychedelic writhing psyche) bless me with a good life. Surrounded by real and true loves. And Shalom. Amen.

One of my young friends is 6 weeks pregnant. Dear heart. I predicted this several months ago. Nothing supernatural in that. They just celebrated their 1st wedding anniversary a few months ago so I said "A baby is on the way!"

It filled my heart with gladness. They are such a happy couple. She has 2 daughters from a previous relationship. I suspect this spirit will be a boy but I did not say so. The odds always run at 50:50 with a bairn.

Anyway it made me also feel glad that my fecund child-birthing years are long behind me. I could not go through that again, especially with the abuse and lack of support. But bless my friend.

Some people are born lucky in love and family and prosperity. Some are not! But it all makes for a beautiful mosaic in life. Dark and light and life force seeping through the velvet curtains finally exploding onto a brightly lit stage. A quick sizzling fizzling flash like burning phosphorescence. Then gone!

I have a baby inside me too. Another rebirth is coming. My renewals, always extremely painful. But worth it.

…

Today Lyn took me to Greazefest at Cleveland. We listened to the music, ate sweet potato chips, looked at the markets and the cars then came home.

I saw Jackie who I know from Irish Murphies. She was at the door, selling tickets. It was nice to see her. Another lovely day!

6 August 2015

Socks and Sophie back from the vet. Sophie cried the entire 5 minute car trip. She is so neurotic! The vet says her pissing in her own room (and on my rugs!) is a protest at having an entire Male around. Mushu hormones are sending her crazy.

So now I know what brought that on. Socks has to be fed less. He weighs 8.97 kilos. Penny is enormous too. I will have to cut back both their food supply.

Other than the Hormone Wars, (De Mama has joined in with those, thank god for HRT) Sophie and Socks are in good health.

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Woot! Masters of Sex, new season tonight.

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6 August 2014

I had my appointment with my psychiatrist today. I discussed the weird Jungian Synchronicity on Sunday. He explained the universe is using me as a champion of victims. I guess that makes sense. It was fortunate that I was able to refer the lady to the appropriate advocacy. I hope she takes action soon.

I raked up the bamboo leaves which carpetted my lawn and burnt then in a fire. I needed to be active in the fresh air after sleeping so much this week. Now I smell of smoke and ashes lol.

6 August 2013

Just woke up from a 3 1/2 hour "nap". I only lay down to read my book and rest awhile. I only got up at midday. I went to Pathology to have my blood test to find out what is wrong with me and they refused to do it cos I had fasted too long. So now I have to try to eat just at the right time and go there again. So pissed off!

So I bought a few groceries etc and came home and sat outside in the late arvo sun but was cool. So went to read in bed, and bam, out like a light.

Guess I have gone back to Zombie-ism. Let you know when my Wild Woman comes out to play again. Bring on the next Full Moon.

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6 August 2011

Last night was the first evidence that LOVE and Magic are re-asserted in my life, on my property, in my home. Two little Love birds landed and were able to connect with each other in a sweet peacemaking.

May this be the beginning of healing, stronger bonding and blessing for all who come to my home. LOVE will surround us, LOVE will strengthen us, LOVE will keep us Happy and Safe. Love will Fulfill us.

6 August 2010

Too sore and tired to work in the garden today, but I did pick a few weeds, and watered just so I could feel good about myself and also the Cyclamen were wilting LOL.

Shabbat Shalom everyone!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons