Memories: 5 December 2023

5 December 2023

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I had a lovely day with my transgender cousin who is visiting from Cairns at her transitioning son’s place. I am very fond of my cousin who is my dead father’s first cousin (although they never met each other).

We had lunch at Redbank Plains shopping centre and chatted merrily. We even made a new friend of a Maori lady named Sandy who was sitting with us and joined in our conversation. I swapped numbers with her as she was delightful!

When I dropped my cousin home, her now-daughter became quite emotional and asked me not to be a stranger as she has no other family. So I hugged her.

On the drive home on Ipswich Road a truck tried to sideswipe me (the second time in 4 months!) so I am getting fairly sick of that level of threat on the roads. I will be reporting them in future. It’s getting dangerous!

5 December 2022

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10:30 pm I just had a lovely long chat with Crystal who blamed my mental state on my eating halloumi that she referred to as “HaDoomie”. We both burst out into hysterical laughter.

That cheese tasted like cardboard and like bitterness, as if made by an angry Greek menstruating woman. If it did indeed upset my biome and cause suicidal Ideation well, hell it wasn’t even worth it!

I explained at great length that my mental state is not just the cheese as I did not eat all that much but my lactose intolerant daughter wouldn’t have it.

Still we had a good old chat and I do feel much better.

3 days off the full moon so I will be in a heightened mood state due to that also. Awhoooo…I needs a good howling I does!

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Today I have been very mood disordered. Lots of suicidal ideation that I have had to beat back with trite little glib mindfulness pep talks.

I walked around the garden in a daze, then had bouts of intense anxiety. I decided to channel that into cleaning the filter of my fishpond. I changed over the fountain head too. It looks so pretty and the water is clearing up at last. New water lilies are pushing their way up but I need to buy cow manure and coarse sand and repot them soon.

After that effort I still felt broken and fractious so I got out my crucible that I thought was damaged and cleaned the excess borax off it by burning it off (according to a video by Andrew Berry!) then I got some copper scraps and lit up my mapp gas torch and attempted melting copper again. To no avail although I got two small lumps of molten copper.

So that was a waste of an afternoon and the crucible is destroyed now but I will put it aside until I can afford the Little Smith torch I should have bought two weeks ago but I freaked out about the expense and money melted like butter and I still have to find the money to service the car.

So round and round it went. My anxiety and fears almost swamping me to obliteration.

But…I am proud of myself for aspiring to learn new skills. For not giving up, even though everything seems so impossible now.

I am once again tossing up whether to sell my car as I never use it except to buy groceries or to drive to the casino for dancing. I go nowhere and feel resentful about the constant drain on my meagre finances keeping that car going.

The paint is destroyed as I have no shelter to protect it. I am slowly being driven out of my sanctuary by nastiness. But what good is a car I can’t afford to upkeep?

Anyway I realise I am triggered because it’s December. It happens every year without fail. Chanukah begins on the 18th December. So that is nice. But the whole silly season vibe got turned up early because everyone is so afraid and out of sync with normal holiday programming that they brought it all forward early.

Christmas is my worst of all holidays. A holiday that for me means crushing berserker memories of empty shallow vapid gifts overcompensating for my familial abuse. Sick and perverted.

So hell no I won’t go. I won’t participate in the charade. I would get in my car and drive far away this Christmas and perhaps never come back. But I won’t. I can’t afford the petrol or the accommodation or the intense loneliness.

I might be isolated at Sacred Space here but at least I have the garden and my pets. So there is that. Trapped in a hell of my own making.

I made a discovery today about the markets. I was effectively squeezed out. But all good. I found it too distressing and triggering anyway, trying to sell my stuff and put up with the zombie nastiness that seeped through.

I will have to find a new great reset for my personal timeline and get a life that is supportive, beneficial, nurturing and lovely. How will I achieve that? The same way I got myself this far. One breath at a time.

Whilst giving the middle finger to my enemies and riding shotgun with my gods.

Same old same old.

5 December 2021

Tonight is the 8th night of Chanukah. Let Freedom be our clarion call, our raison d’être, our blood in our veins, our resolution and our revolution. Never comply with evil tyrants. Never ever let the bastards grind us down.

5 December 2020

New neighbours are finally moving into the newly built house. Mazel Tov. Soon all that noise will be over! Except the man is loud spoken! Yuck. But then so am I.

Kelly Anne: I've noticed that Denzels voice carries 10x further than mine when we are speaking loudly. People can hear him 2 blocks away & yet mine can't be heard 2 rooms away. Huge difference.

That’s why it cheeses me off so much when I hear men (my dad or Denzel) complaining when a woman like myself is always the 1st to shout.

She has no choice but to shout just to be heard above the booming force of her male counterparts. Especially when they think what they have to say is so much more important than anyone else & time is limited & theyve already used the past 3hrs lecturing you about subjects they chose & shutting you up every time you attempted to reply or say anything in defence of any alternative ideas or arguments that ought to have been raised which also had merit & warranted time to discuss.

Any man claiming otherwise (as my dad does) is kind of like saying a woman doesn't have the right or need to be heard, because if she speaks with the same force as a man she is only a quarter as effective & is easily spoken over & forced to just shut up & wait & wait & wait until theres no time left & the man can say "oh would you look at that, I have to go now".

It's be a bit like putting a heavyweight fighter in with a light flyweight fighter & calling it an even match -except worse.

Never be afraid to use your voice how you need to just to be heard. What else can we do?

Me: I found it funny a few days ago when the new neighbour LOUDLY EXHORTED the opinion of his much smaller wife. “Babe...babe...what do you think of the colour of...” presumably the driveway.

Babe answered that it’s not brown enough. He sounded devastated and said he liked it. Babe said it would do but it’s not her choice of colour.

I lay in my hammock and tried not to laugh. It’s a beautiful large brand new house and he is so fucking loud he is obviously in a very excited state, desperately seeking approval (even from me across the road who does not give a shit as I just want to live quietly and safely in my humble abode).

I have identified them as bogan with new money. Ghastly.

But honestly I am happy to see them all excited about their new house. I just hope they are not going to cause hassles down the track.

I will just keep to myself as usual.

I am impressed with how quickly they are moving in. Three utes, all with large trailers. Big family helping. That’s nice.

I suppose they will have lots of loud raucous parties too.

They already keep loudly proclaiming about a barbeeeeeeeeeeeee

But look anything is better than my previous now dead Romanian neighbour that kept threatening to rape me.

At least this is big happy earthy family.

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Intransigent but untrammeled by fake lovers and their consorts. I pushed beyond the veil of their oozing dissolution. Walked the road less travelled. Through the gravestones of dead loves and their paucity and treachery.

Held my vision of much deserved, much desired life. Then looked around me.

Crows calling in the late morning heat. Charlie by my side. Beauregard gnawing his bone. My own hobbit body slung between heaven and earth like The Hangman. Freshly showered and hair washed. Purified and rectified.

Soaking up the love from the multiverses who enables me to survive another day...another Eon..cleaving to the Ein Sof my supremely jealous god.

Nothing ventured nothing gained but my own Becoming! It is what it is. All that is/was and ever shall be. Another day/night in Paradise.

5 December 2019

Last night while attending the Tara Puja at my local Buddhist centre I was feeling a little bit uncomfortable, or weirded out. I asked myself, why am I even here? After all I am quite unwell and this chasing the gods in every quarter seems rather pointless when I my Self am already a manifestation of the One.

But a strong thought (or inner voice!) came to me. “You are on a journey and do you not worry about your cat, your health and your limitlessly frustrating lovelife? ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT!!”

I almost had to chuckle. Last puja (my first one!) I asked for healing for Sophie cat. A month later, she is still alive even if it is a bit of a zombie existence.

So when it came time to dedicate the puja I asked. For healing of my mind body and spirit and for true love manifested in all dimensions and realms that is respectful, loyal, healthy and meant for me. I asked for joy, peace and true love and abundance for the congregation as well. I mentioned the holiness that I felt was present in the temple.

I observed the two female middle-aged white Sanghas mutter to each other. As a non-Buddhist I felt perhaps I had said something wrong in mentioning holiness. But it was too late and the words tumbled from my lips like nectar on a freshly plucked lotus blossom.

I left at the end (after gratefully receiving my offerings) feeling a tad stupefied. What am I doing? Praying in Buddhist temples, or being smudged and ecstatically supercharged in shamanic circles, chasing God in all manifestations when all I need do is remember who “I AM!”

But who Am I? Now?! Spirit cleaving to a slowly dying hobbit body, fighting for my Breath, yearning for true love and recognition in my own abject isolation/insulation, chasing the psychedelic dreamer’s dream, knowing better. That real love manifested and meant for me will come. Without capricious artifice or superficial antipathy!

I am all the Love I ever needed. Love stomped on and strangled, raped and torn asunder by monsters in men’s clothing. Love that was reconfigured and reborn...again...and again…and again. So Nu? What is one more ingathering of Chi, of the desires of The Désirée, the triumphant Tanya?

Time to go Supernova and let the gods decide. 😉.

This time when my true Beloved comes “Baruch hu Ha’ba”....Let there be trust, faith, goodness and the support of my true friends/community/tribe. Let no evil saboteur sully what is truly mine by divine right and by the Tanya’s Will.

So mote it be. Bring it!

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5 December 2018

Nes Gadol Hayah Po! A great miracle happened here.

The Sephirot are dancing and smiling down upon me. Judgement is assuaged by the mystery of Daat. Light streams down from Keter and Tiferet is dancing.

The ancestors are preparing a new table for me. They tell me my time has come to rejoice and embrace the life I always wanted/needed. They sing a new Hope into me.

I lie on my bed, exhausted from my long bout of insomnia, mortified by my gall bladder and humbled by my own Survival. “Move along, nothing to see here”. A temporal finger wag from the gatekeeper of The Tanya.

My feet are planted in Malchut but I rise and shine and am honoured in the divine.

My personal history has taught me that I will be slapped down again but I ignore this as I know I will grow back, a better manifestation of love and light, in this reality and in all dimensions.

I have struggled to make sense of recent revelations in the past few months. A brutal pruning of old griefs and old paradigms. They are losing their stranglehold on me. I am prising their dead clutching fingers from my throat and setting myself free.

My heart still cleaves to one desire but I throw that to the wall of shame, the Perspex wall where he comes to spy on me like a monocled god but dares not come close as we both know I deserved better. I see through the cracked perspex with a fresh perspective. We watch each other, through barriers and bridges but we dare not cross the divide.

Like all my other lovers, he tried to push me into the mud, make me feel unloveable and worthless, called me Weird and Wild. Feared my Spirit and survivor’s will to thrive.

Poor thing! How could he know that I was an expert in harmonic resonance and spiritual growth and manifestations of my own kintsugi heart? Even I had not known it.

Never fuck with a former Zombie, fleshed out again, blossoming into full splendour. It is a gift of the gods and a great and mighty miracle.

A beautiful but terrifying re-making from a cut and mutilated golem to a frenetically fleshed out warrior goddess. Whetted by horrors and betrayals that should have killed me many times.

Of course I crave a love partner and a sweet and normal life. Underneath this spiritual armour beats a heart of a woman who knows what was stolen from her: by trauma, grief, by fate, by former family and by the gods.

It was never lost on me that my parents in law loved me and cared more for my future as a young bride than my husband or my own family did. But they died and their love which honoured my fierce little warrior spirit could not contain the hatred of their own spawn.

They wanted me to be happy and prosper. I know that. I kept my promise and struggled to raise my daughters as Jews. I sent them to Sinai College and paid for it from my “housekeeping” money and later we were sponsored.

Over time the abuse got too much and I cast off from that anchor of community that instead of offering me safety and bouyancy began to flood my flagship and drown me. I treaded water and bailed out my sinking ship, with a desolate broken heart, for decades.

Then somehow, I don’t know how or exactly when, my prayers were answered and the Holy One sent me a new passage. This ship is less leaky that the last one. It’s covered in arrows from the old one who resented my seeking my own freedom and joy and meritorious survival. But its mainstay is strong.

Its bow points forward into the mist and some nights, the sails are hoisted and surge forward in turgid seas with a strong wind at my back, but I have lived through many becalms, in the dross and muck of lacklustre ghastly inability to move: in any direction. My sails torn and broken. My hopes shattered and cast to the Deep as offerings, as bribes, as trickster god temptations.

So what can I say? Do? But rejoice. I delight in the beauty and love that surrounds me. In the light in the eyes of those who do love me: human and animal, spirit and heyoka brats that love to torment me but are my teachers.

That Heyoka will not be free of me until they step backwards, arse up, and return to the zero point of time and reset the button that reversed all our true and good and pure love and turned it fetid. But I see the healing taking place. 4 years in the making. I prayed to the angels for a perfect alignment. (Be careful what you ask for?!).

Giggles. So here it comes. A bigger love and a brighter light body than we bargained for.

What can one short fat Hobbit woman do? But laugh in her wildness and weirdness. (They tried to kill me, I won, let’s eat!)

Weird?! Weird would have been submitting to callow fools and useless tools. Sanity is holding true to yourself even if it means you have to fight for the rest of your life in a society that hates women.

Safety comes only to those who speak their truth and suffer no fools and sail away to distant horizons until one day, we berth in a newly birthed paradigm and come Home to ourself. Fierce and fearless. Flawed but Fabulous, Darlings.

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Watching Vikings! Eating fish and chips. Sipping Moscato. My life is complete! Also... I was born in the wrong century and wrong country. But that could be the wine talking lol.

With my luck I would have ended up a Slave instead of a shield maiden.

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Another bad night. Up and down. Cats have shat in spare room so had to strip the bed. Ew! Either Socks or Sophie. I have been up all night too, with my gallstones messing with my digestive system.

It’s now 1:46 am and I have had little sleep. Ridiculous.

5 December 2017

I had a lovely evening practising ukelele with Jarrod last night. We were so engrossed in it we forgot to go to the Kirtan chanting. Oh well. We had fun!

I am trying to learn ukelele in one month before Crystal comes home as I want to be able to show her that I am not an epic loser and I can learn new things. As Yoda says: “Do or Not. There is no try”. But in the style of The Tanya (and Quentin Crisp “if you constantly Fail then my dear, Failure is your Style”) I have set myself up for a hard task to learn ukelele fluency in one month!

I am bound to fall off my perch and scrabble around in the dirt like a plucked budgerigar. But Life is about accepting change and rising to my own unique challenges.

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I just had to bury a dead possum. Poor thing. I was gonna blame the cats but when I buried it I saw it had no bite marks and blood was coming from its mouth.

I smelled poison coming from John’s house across the road the other day, so I suspect he is poisoning the possums again. He is such a pest. Bastard!

5 December 2016

House hot. Just had a shower. Now wet and hot. Dog hot. Cats hot. Hot chickens. Brisbane heatwave day 4. Climate change…Sucks.

Joanne Ryan: I'll send you the snow we're supposed to get this week ⛄️☃️⛄️☃️🌨❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️

Me: Lol in the afternoon storms we get hail. Ice the size of tennis balls in one area. Then it heats up again. Nuts.

5 December 2015

Haha! A murder of crows (5) stole a corn ice block. Bless!

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I might go out tonight for a couple of hours once I put Bobo to bed. I am stoney broke until Tuesday (story of my life) but I missed out last night due to feeling exhausted and worried about having no money.

So tonight I will take a dose of harden-the-fuck-up and go on an adventure. Dance, be happy then come home to my little dog and cats. I have enough petrol to get me to city and back.

So used to living on a prayer but miracles happen and so does magic. There is a lovely wind with my name on it, calling out my wild.

My hens are very happy. I just gave them frozen corn ice blocks.

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1st day of Chanukah is on Monday 7th Dec. So first candle will be Sunday 6th Dec. I still have some Chanukah candles in the freezer. Enough to start the holiday.

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Chag Sameach to Ma Jew Crew! May the light from above bring joy, love and peace to us all. May we let our own light shine and may we be both a blessing to others and be blessed ourselves. Amen!

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Mushu, Beauregard and I finally woke up at exactly 1.11 pm. I went to bed at 9.30 pm last night. Utterly exhausted but have had a good sleep.

Bobo woke up early this morning and has luxuriated in bed with me all day. Such a good puppy. I let the hens out at 5.30 am. Time to go spend some time with them in my garden.

5 December 2013

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Drunk on red red wine. I had a good time at Linzi's party, met some interesting people. good food, good company.

Going out tomorrow night to an art gallery opening followed by a Burlesque evening. No doubt we awesome ladies will get to the pubs/clubs for some dancing as well. Looking forward to more awesomeness and wildness.

Disappointed I didn't hear back from Transvaal Diamond Syndicate lead singer dude for the tickets, so will have to try to buy online on Tuesday when I get paid or we will miss out this gig. Awww. Oh well, plenty of other cool stuff to do and see. Life goes on.

I don't want to be the crazy stalker/groupie person. I like their music too. Awwww. Oh well, only one thing to do, is enjoy my red red wine....

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Really tired and weak today. Must be the heat or having pushed myself while on heavy antibiotics.

I'm at Lyn's then going to a christmas party with Gail and Lindsay tonight. Hope I perk up a bit by then.

5 December 2012

Crystal has her Gallbladder operation tomorrow. It will be such a relief when it's over for her to be pain-free and in a week or two she will have so much energy and feel so much better!

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Just got up at 4 pm. Feel much better after 14 hours sleep and the lovely soul-refreshing swim I had last night at Lyn's place. She really is an Angel to me as it was just what the Doctor ordered for my desiccated zombified Body and Soul.

I came almost instantly Alive and blossomed like a Flower! (Like a Hibiscus flower in Champagne, Darlings!) I am such a fiery person that I really need to be immersed in largish bodies of water to bring myself back into balance!

I do wish I had my own pool again! Sigh! There is always Southbank or Lyn's kind offer of the use of her pool. So beautiful!

I am so happy right now! The wind is blowing in my hair, the chooks are our foraging, enjoying their freedom. The Cats are by my side, Bella is too! All is good on the 'hood!

Update 2020: Today is extremely hot too. I pray that I win lotto one day so I can buy my own pool. Time for a cold shower!

5 December 2011

On the trail for Disclosure, clarification, Justice and money! Roll on Friday! It will be good to see an end to the Will Dispute especially now Angela has betrayed me then abdicated her fight for her Share, I now only have the two Scherer conartists to fight off! Friday's Mediation proves to be very interesting indeed!

5 December 2010

I enjoyed yesterday's Bar Mitzvah very much but woke today with a nasty case of hayfever (I hope it's hayfever!) So it was a lovely excuse to snooze, pass out and occasionally arise out of my unconsciousness on a drear rainy day to the blare of the tv in the background.

(Why didn't I just turn the bloody thing off and go back to bed??!) Life is interesting, nevertheless.

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Change your Facebook profile picture to a cartoon character from your childhood and invite your friends to do the same. Until Monday (December 6th) there should be no human faces on Facebook, but an invasion of memories. This is a campaign to stop violence against children.

Me: (When I was a child, I related most to the cheshire cat, I loved its smugness, slinkiness and mysterious ability to disappear and reappear at will!)

Now I'm in my mid-forties, I identify most with the Dormouse and of course his natural opposite, The Mad Hatter. I think I am really a composite of both personalities. If I'm awake I'm loopy as Mr Hatter, and well, it takes so much energy to be 'present' the rest of the time I'm schluffing in my giant teapot like The Dormouse.

Perhaps at my core I am still The Cheshire Cat though. I really love being transient, intransigent and the ability to smile at the absurdities of my entire life.

I also liked to 'disappear' as a child, leaving only the illusion of my presence behind a very sweet but sardonic smile! Being 'invisible' or unavailable in a house full of psychopaths I discovered was a very good tactic to evade much of the nonsense that was going on.

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I'm worn out from sneezing and snoozing all day. Also my throat feels very dry. Methinks taking two Polaramines has dehydrated me or else the constant nasal drip has LOL...Schmeh, another day to sneeze and snooze tomorrow. Good night all!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons