Memories: 3 March 2023

3 March 2024

3 March 2023

Windy hot day. I got up around 10 am. Exhausted. But I went right to work on my copper bangle. I had painted it with a clear gloss coating but it had oxidised (turned green!) so I had to sand all the clear gloss coating off, then clean it with acetone. Annoying! Then I texturised two more bangles.

I also did a few loads of washing. I am going dancing tonight but feel so exhausted I don’t know if I will have the energy. I promised Jo I would come dancing (as I usually do on a Friday night).

It was actually unusual for her to text me to make sure I am coming dancing. She says the football is on tonight so if that is still going by the time I arrive at 10 pm I will probably just go back home. I abhor sport.

3 March 2021

I do wish they would quit sending me sarcastic little ditties first thing in the morning, or last thing at night.

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11:11 pm the Angels are watching...Babies. Unfurling my creativity. But not tonight. Too tired. Maybe tomorrow...or soon.

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“The problem is all inside your head” he said to me. “The answer is easy if you take it logically. I’d like to help you in your struggle to be free...there must be 50 ways to leave your lover!”

Spirit running this through my head and can I say? Very appropriate!

Leave the dead shits in the gravel dust of their own making.

Shake off the bad energy and unfurl my future...one breath at a time.

Save my love for the ones that love me and politely circumambulate the rest.

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Today was a good day. I watched “The Affair”. Season 5. Just finished watching it. It made me think about Love and how I was hurt and betrayed so often that I should buy the rights to my own fictitious love story and make it real some day.

The pain wends itself through my kinstugied heart like a laser beam and a hot knife. “Old friends are acting strange” or rather avoidant. Former lovers haunting me in car parks but no guts or glory to interface with me in real world applications.

The ghosts of family past present and future calling out “Boo”.

I had a nice chat with Crystal though. She made time to call me before she hit the hay early in the night as she has work at 4 am. So that was my only human interaction today.

I played loud music early in the day to lift my mood and drive out the trauma memories and those pesky “ghosts”. I even sang along to some of the songs. It felt good to be alive even if being alive means being alone in a dystopian fucking nightmare.

I am happy I get to see this psychedelic dream out to its natural conclusion. It’s gonna be interesting, singing and dancing and punching out ever more skin cancers and watching my body unravel as my mind recalibrates into ever-starker awareness. The Tanya...incongruent as ever...may still Surprise herself.

I am going to buy a trolley on pension day. I am going to get that cabinet inside my house if it kills me. I might have to make a ramp at the back steps though. I just need to do it! Not overthink it.

I spent last evening moving furniture around. I brought the shoe cabinet back into my bedroom and stuck it on the wall opposite my bed. It looks nicer there.

It’s a big change as I have always had that quirky “Dancing Queen” painting on that wall. I moved her into the spare bedroom.

3 March 2020

I am sitting out with Charlie as the poor bird was locked up all day as I was too weak to take him outside yesterday. I am eating a mango as I need nourishment but am fairly wary of food right now. No appetite really which means I am in deep trouble as everyone knows I eat voraciously!

It was a struggle to get down the stairs and up again to bring out Charlie’s food. So I am just sitting enjoying the sounds of the fountains and the sunshine streaming through the garden. No wind today. Just a peaceful vibe!

Yesterday was rather remarkable. I was lying in bed begging Azrael to take me. In and out of consciousness with my fever and coughing fits I was sleeping lots.

I thought to myself, I am going to die alone. Then I thought “Oh well, we come onto this planet alone and we go alone.” I asked Azrael to hold my hand as I did not want to feel So alone, in my febrile weakness.

Out of the blue some young man messaged me on Messenger. A complete stranger. But he had liked something I had said on an esoteric group.

I was very suspicious at first. So many scammers and love rats out there. But the guy was only 20 and was polite and respectful so we chatted for a long time.

In the end I had to go as I was so ill I needed sleep but it struck me that as soon as I asked the Angel (in my imagination!) that I don’t want to be alone he sent me a random earth angel on the internet to keep me company.

Life is weird! But surprising sometimes.

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3 March 2019

I had a lovely afternoon with my beautiful soul-ful nurturing friend Lyn. She is one of two people in my life that loves me completely. Love you Lyn x

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My father’s “yahrzeit” although he was not a Jew. A spiritualist. A converted Baptist (for his second marriage). A weak, vicious, treacherous man. No wonder I attracted so many men like that.

My father was envious of me. Of my light, my courage and my strength. He aligned himself with all my abusers, including the last one my mother married.

That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Slaughtered any love I had ever felt for him. Which was deep and stoic in early childhood, in spite of his constant betrayals.

A love so strong that my half-sister had commented that it pained her to see me love him so much. A man who refused to protect us. But children love in the purest, most innocent, most delightful ways and sometimes we love out of a primitive sense of survival.

Then we grow up, wise up and learn to love in other ways. Ways that nurture our souls and give us inner peace. Far away from the mad bad family of origins and their filthy henchmen.

So I was left with psychic damage and a love attachment disorder. Thanks for that, Dad. You even interfered in the love affair with David the Devo. In my early marriage you “tested” me on a beach on holiday in Tauranga, seducing a couple of young men to flirt with me. “Go for it” you said. I was sickened. I was nothing more but sexual bait to you. You wanted me to debase myself by having an affair.

Well, my former husband and I had many issues even early on but I never cheated on him, except towards the end, and then only emotionally. I was starving for just one decent person to just love me without constant cruelty and viciousness. Just one.

I found that in my dear friend Jarrod. Oh how they hated me having a true friend of the male gender. How they viciously attacked us and slandered and maligned us. But we both survived and I got my divorce and 27 years later that friendship is still one of the most precious to me.

I never found a true loving sexual partner. Not once in close to 54 years. But my friends are my lifelines and have brought me much comfort and joy over many decades.

So Daddy, wherever you are…knowing you, still slavishly orbiting that evil narcopath Gisela as your ashes are all commingling in King Island, Wellington Point. Have a nice eternity. Stay the fuck away from me. Thanks.

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I was utterly exhausted yesterday. Mentally and physically. In the afternoon even my vision blurred. So I did not go dancing a second night. I went to bed around 9ish and passed out.

I just woke up at 10.30 am. Still feel weak. I worry about my legs and feet and fear that I may not be able to walk in the future. Scary thought. So I will keep resting and praying and hoping for a better outcome.

I have been badly affected by the news about Pell and of course coming across his apologists on groups I have interacted in on fb has been distressing. I have unfollowed Tzedek after foul comments they made (they took them down) and am seriously thinking about leaving another group.

So once again this means, that I as a survivor am stigmatised and marginalised for fighting for/ defending/caring about myself and other survivors. The world is full of elitist intellectuals with no fucking soul at all, who rationalise the most debased aspects of human behaviour and attack me for calling them out on their bullshit.

They disgust me in more ways than I can even begin to express and instead my body goes into trauma somatisation as it no longer wants to inhabit this filthy reprehensible evil world.

I have pushed myself to survive, even attempt to thrive a million times (...what is one more day, hour, minute but a fucking eternity when all is a pure hell!)

Well I have only survived on the crumbs of real love gifted me by true loving hearts and that had to be enough. That had to be a richness that suffused every core of my Being. The rest of the ignoble virulent cruel trash can go fuck themselves. Including the slanderer from 1989 that “advocates” for other victims/survivors but never once has had the decency to apologise to me.

Yes. I should leave that group for that reason alone. Too many filthy false hypocrites faking support for the children.

I am quite Done. For me to have a lovely sane life I have to cull the monstrous trolls in my life. I have to be selfish, greedy, shallow and self-centred like them. Can I do it? Is that who I want to Become?!

Nay! But rest...I must rest. And declare the greatness of my G-d who brought me through worse hells than this and let me become older and frail then threw even more false bastards at me. Well, I detached from those 🙂.

Life goes on. Until it doesn’t.

3 March 2018

Today was my progenitor David Ian Phillips’s 1 year anniversary of his death (yahrzeit). What can I say? A lot has happened in a year.

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The moon was full. Our energy heightened. Jenny and I wore our best and wildest outfits. Men salivated, women admired, in awe at our audacity. The Livewire bar throbbed with Joie de Vivre and dervishes of mad women. Old lovers came to have a quick little spy. (As they do!)

My friends supported me in my thriving jive-turkey demon-stomp. I am exhausted but content. Powerful moon, powerful women. Awesome!

3 March 2017

Shabbat shalom! This orphaned Hellian (Jewish Viking witch) is keeping her appointment with my friend Chris and Toni Childs.

The Dead are Dancing! My former family of origin who did nothing but abuse, betray, slander, neglect shall never grind me down. Never!

I fly on wings of universal love. My parents are the sun the moon the stars, the wind, the sea, the earth and a few brave beautiful individuals that hold me precious. Blessed Be to those who truly love me. So mote it Be!

And in 4 days time it will be the Yahrzeit (11 years) of my mother.

No wonder I am feeling haunted and hunted (which is haunted without the “a”.) The English language is as quirky and problematic as my vicious progenitors.

Psy sighs. 11 years and 4 years respectively. Time marches on to the mad March Phillipses death apocalypse but The Tanya has continued in her survival mode to her own Becoming and with the grace of the gods and her determined and generous friends...thank you my loves 🙂...she is hanging by an invisible invincible gossamer thread like a newly hatched spider seeking a new web of existence.

I have fought hard in recent weeks: trolls online, and my own morbid dystopian griefs. I have plumbed the depths of my own mortality and reached almost euphoric heights with mad epiphanies and sly soliloquies...enough to drive me mad completely!

The love I poured into certain people, the living and the dead that flails uselessly like a gnawed off limb in a rat’s graveyard.

Enough to make a Poe-t of myself and interrupt my dreaming with sadness and regret.

Time is slipping through my gnarled fingers like a colander emptying out pasta water. I am watching it flow so fluidly and silently.

They are waiting for me, you know....the dead ones...the cruel and vapid ancestors and the genuinely “lit” Angels....waiting for me to get some semblance of a more successful, more joyously loving life.

But I slavishly crawl in deserts of trauma and dereliction and spit out the sands of time that eternally fall from my watery wasteful colander and my hands grab at Hope that is the rarest jewel of all, contrived and tucked away in the deserts of Mind.

(It visits occasionally...when I am out of my mind and out of patience with my own self!) A gift or a mirage. A long-suffering Becoming.

Aight!

Time to Schluff..else I might not make much sense and I fear senselessness more than sensibility!

My pride fell for the prejudice and my waiting has always been Godot-Esque and as grotesque as that metamorphosed cockroach that so perfectly mirrors my one true but ever elusive Love.

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Just had a phone call that my father David Phillips died last night.

I was told they were instructed to let me know. I am utterly disgusted.

I told the woman my father is estranged to me and has done nothing but abuse me my whole life so I will not be taking responsibility for his body or funeral arrangements.

He would have turned 89 on 6th March.

No wonder I felt so sick last few days.

Another monster from my family of origin bites the dust.

Catherine Holdsworth: {{{ ❤ Tanya ❤ }}} ❤ ❤ ❤

Me: He has been estranged with me (my choice!) since 2000 . Roaming All over Australia from Perth to Warwick and now Shepparton Victoria. Followed in the itinerant madness of our Phillips family. I will probably follow the Call of the Wild as I age too but all I ever needed was stability and safety which I never got with Gisela David Cees Trevor Or Angela.

Phil Harris: Wish you a long life from all of us

Thanks Phil, in Jewish tradition Be'ezrat Hashem, a long life is not quite so desirable. But just look at my progenitors. My mother was 83 when she died on 7 March 2010 and my father would have turned 89 on 6 March. Amazing!

I should have their strength and resilience?! But they have broken me down since before my birth. ( gahh. I am a living miracle. Should not still be here). But free of them at last HALLELUJAH.

Thank you Hashem for healing my mind body and spirit and removing evil from my etheric body and cleansing my heart of their residual filth. Amen v'selah.

Thank you to my beautiful friend Jarrod who debriefed with me for hours. Love you! You are my truest friend and only family. Closest person to having a real family I ever had. Xxx

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I took the Beau for a walk (mad dogs and Kiwis go out in the noon day sun...well it was overcast and shady when we left then cleared to full blearing scathing sunny heat, because I am lucky like that and the gods love me ahem!)

I came back lathered in sweat which is inconvenient as I had just taken a shower before our little sojourn through the forest.

I set up the chicken swing in their pen and introduced the big hens to it. One seemed to like it but the other 2 were wary. I think I will need to train them up during the next few days. Oh well. Next adventure!

3 March 2016

10.49 pm. I woke up early today. Probably because I slept so much yesterday. Chest is heavy and becoming productive.

I sliced my finger on the remaining glass in the tiny missing window on my front door. I was letting Bobo out, still half-asleep and thought to shove my hand through window to quickly close the screen.

Um, Nup! Stupid thing to do. Tore a chunk of skin out of my right fore-finger but it is not too bad. Let it bleed a bit. Washed it and now only sporting a band aid.

The glass shard was blunted as I had knocked most of them down with a hammer. I still, after 23 August need to find a glazier who will do such a small job.

Oh well. Another hot day in Paradise. Even the birds are laying low and quiet. Only sound is the wind in the trees, my fountain and Bobo gnawing on an old carrot I threw out for the chickens. It is soft but he seems to be enjoying it. Strange little puppy!

Tummy slightly less painful but the muck is now in my chest. I have never had a chest infection start with stomach pains before. Perhaps a separate issue or the bug has gone to my next most vulnerable spot. Used to be the first place that got sick, my lungs. They must be stronger from all the epic dancing.

Time to start Seretide, and make my green tea with turmeric, cardamon, cloves etc. I need to buy honey too.

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Today at the dog park a sweet little Pomeranian named Coco came up and wanted to sit on my lap. She looked at me with those incredibly discerning Pomeranian eyes. It was Love!

My little Beauregard was occupied chasing the Cavoodles and a little Pom-Poodle X named Lola. So Coco and I had a little chat. In German. I told her she was a beautiful little girl and she nodded agreeably.

Her owner was a young Philipino girl. She was very patient and watched Coco and I have our little chat. She was a sweet teenager. Coco was scared of all the other puppies as she was 4 years old and they used to live on acreage so Coco was used to doing her own thing. I told the girl that she would get used to all the other dogs.

It made me miss Miss Bella Rosa very much. I am fond of my little rambunctious Blokey-bloke Bobo but he is no Pomeranian. Lmao! He had such fun chasing and playing with the girls that he is lying on the living room floor, completely exhausted.

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4.44 pm at the dog park with Bobo. No other puppies. I have gold spray paint on my sore hand as I painted my 3 monk ornaments so they look nicer sitting under the bamboo. I worried The Beau might get into the wet paint so we walked to the dog park. Plenty of large dogs in the big dog area. Beau is just watching them silently.

I am not feeling very well. Another resting day/night for me. I cleaned out the worm compost. That was a bit of an effort. My band aids kept getting soaked. Finally I found a waterproof one. See how long that lasts.

3 March 2014

oooh oooh oooh....I forgot to tell you (@ LYN!!!), a great surprise was in store for me this arvo (my morning!). Can you guess???? Yuppers, Clever Woman, the Dragon Fruit is obliging me with more flower buds.

They are tiny but they are there...so let's hope this time the plant doesn't drop all the lovely fecund flowers without fruiting. I have my fingers crossed.

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I also brought home two sets of scales. They both say I weigh 80 kilos which is a flattering fib. Last time I weighed myself I was 82 kilos and I'm not dieting (never diet....filthy four letter word!) so how the hell can I have lost more weight?

The Dancing would not be enough as I still eat pies, pizza and chips. So I am rather perplexed. I shall have to weigh myself on Sarah's more modern accurate scales or I will think I am fading away to nothing without even trying which freaks the hell out of me.

Regardless I am off to GP for a blood test for cancer markers as I am not happy about the other huge chunk of flesh being removed from my hand, and on the same day I will be getting my stitches out of that flesh-wound.

I never really worried about getting cancer before (this being a chronic and irrational phobia of my former mother!) but I can see that aging is not for cissies and my beautiful fine, sensitive, fair and freckled flesh is starting to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous sun-exposure for the past, almost 49 years. So it behooves me to just double check, just in case.

Especially as my Uncle in Germany died of advanced Melanoma. He must have been one hell of a sun worshipper as there is not much sun in Germany. All the same, with my German/Polish/Irish/Scottish/English/ NZ and now Aussie skin I better not take any risks.

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Constant Craving for Love, Intimacy and Affection, is killing me slowly with his smile which faded in the dawn of Time and so began the painful sloughing off of emotions and the aborted libidonesque pursuit of unattainable Dreams of Partnership and Loyalty and genuine Caring.

They wonder why I give them Hell, when they bring me Hell in a Handbasket and ask me to turn it into Heaven. Not my Role! I am not your Angel, or your God or your mirror image Victim. I can't fix you, Change you, make you into a Sentient Being. If you don't have the Emotional IQ or the equipment to be a Partner of Mine, then hey, can you quit staring at me with those fixated Rape-Eyes and faking you actually desire me. I knew you were a Sham, but I succumbed anyway.

Hey it's what I do, believing in Princes and Fairy Tale Knights of Shining Armour and True Love and Toads in Holes and Spotted Dicks and Useless Utter Pricks but hey, you get that, but in my World, of my Creation, there is only Life, and Love, and I am done with Loss, Abuse and Your Ambivalence.

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home from picking up Crystal, watching her teach her students and our lovely Sangria and dinner. Now watching my grandson Ramon the Rare Rabbit going crazy in my living room. He is bouncing all over the place. He must smell Crystal on my clothes.

I bring him home to her tomorrow night after her other class. Awww! He is so full of beans (or carrots!) tonight. Almost a Mad March Hare. Perhaps I need to put on a Hat and make a nice pot of tea?

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I am with Crystal, observing her teaching Clown to her Burlesque Students. Fascinating! Then we will go have some dinner. ( I hope for Jackpot Noodles ;-)).

It was quite stressful at the airport as it is all these huge car park buildings and a long walk from 30 min free parking area. We got lost in Valet Parking but some gentlemen told us how to get outta there and to find my carpark area.

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Waiting for my girl to disembark plane!

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Crystal arrives back from Melbourne this arvo. I am happy she will be home. Ramon will be happy to have his Mama back. He has been so good for Grandma!

3 March 2013

I spent the afternoon and evening with Crystal and Jarrod. We had coffee, looked at Merthyr Village shops, then played in the rain at New Farm Park...running from rose bed to rose bed, smelling all the lovely roses.

Crystal and Jarrod leapt about in the puddles and flooded paths, kicking up water and letting their inner kids play! Crystal got stuck in some rose brambles pretending to be off with the Fae. Jarrod was a rather disturbing gnome in another bramble!

I trotted around in my high heeled docs trying to avoid sinking in the saturated grass and caught my umbrella in a rose arbour. Later we went back to Crystal's place and had tea and read cards! A lovely way to spend a rainy Saturday!

3 March 2012

I had a lovely evening and am grateful for the healing I received from my loving friends on here and on Paltalk. You are amazing, my light that shines and gives me warmth and hope. I love you all!

I had a great night last night but woke up with pains so that was another bummer but feel much better now.

3 March 2011

I went to the dentist at QE2 today so my back molar could be filled at long last. I got sick of spitting bone chips LOL.

Now I need another appointment for a clean and scale and to see if I'm still getting pain in lower back teeth or if it was referred pain from the giant chasm on the top back molars. Then I came home and pottered in garden. Hungry now!

3 March 2010

Mum was still comfortable at 5 pm this afternoon when I left her bedside. I feel like my soul has been sucked out of me, totally exhausted.

Just waiting and watching her life ebb slowly away is making me feel like I'm dying too. I hope she passes quickly and peacefully. She is one strong, strong woman, even in Palliative care.

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It's 1.04am and I feel so tired that my eyeballs feel like they've been stapled through my pupils and held open by toothpicks. Mum still slowly dying but comfortable on the morphine infusion. At least her pain is controlled better now.

Her descendants have a different kind of pain, the waiting for the inevitable passage of her soul from one existence to another.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons