Memories: 29 December 2023

29 December 2023

It was a scathing hot day. I didn’t do much. Watched Netflix in my air conditioned lounge. Robyn and Peter gifted me a pretty Christmas box with chocolates and tiny shoe ornaments as Robyn knows how much I love high heeled shoes which I can no longer wear dancing. Sweet!

Then at 10 pm I drove to the Brooklyn standard for my wild dancing. I got there early. 10:25 pm. Scott arrived at 10:45 pm. He came right up to me. (I had not noticed him initially. He was carrying equipment. He said “Hello, isn’t it hot today?!” I replied “Yes indeed, Strayah, mate” He stared back at me meaningfully and said “Brisbane” as though we are in a special kind of hell. I nodded.

Then he got up on the stage to begin setting up. We did not hug or kiss each other’s cheek. Reining back in the affection which is appropriate and wise as he is married and nothing can come of our fondness for each other. Still a dear friend which I value deeply.

29 December 2021

1:56 am. I am still up, watching a movie. I have been spending hours, removing the paper backing off my silk swatches then washing them and hanging them up on the line. I felt really dizzy from exhaustion. Yet here I am, still avoiding sleep.

Around 10 pm I felt this intense presence. I took a note of the time, as it has been happening every night for the last four or five nights at that time of night!

I have no idea whose spirit I am sensing. It feels masculine and is so intense it’s almost like they sat on the couch beside me. I don’t know if it is a living person sending their energy signature (only a few people were/are close enough to me for me to “sense” them) or if it’s a passed over spirit.

It wasn’t threatening, just kinda “needy” or demanding of my attention. I was busy working on the silk swatches so I just calmly noted the time, took a deep breath and then carried on working.

I wish I knew who it was as it’s getting slightly annoying. 🙂

…

I am a beginner at sewing. Really not great at it at all lol but I decided to make bags from my silk swatches I bought at Reverse Garbage two years ago.

I figure the little bags will come in handy for gift giving or for putting my products in. Hmmm. A lottt of work when I can buy organza bags ready made really cheaply.

But I am loving using what I have hoarded already. It’s kinda fun and a new learning curve for me 🙂

29 December 2020

Productive night! I just made a chicken pie out of leftover chicken, mushrooms, broccoli, cream and a large dash of wine and chicken stock. It tasted okay. I hope I don’t get food poisoning though. The mushrooms were a bit out of date.

I am also baking banana bread in the bread machine. This time it’s not gluten free or dairy free. I want to see if there is an improvement in flavour. I will freeze it down. Then make another gluten free/dairy free one for when Jarrod and Crystal next visit me.

It’s very hot tonight. Thank god and goddess for the air con in the lounge room!

29 December 2019

11:11 pm. Smell the serenity.

…

…

10.03 am

A love letter from the Void...

Dear Tanya

I adore you. You are funny and quirky and kind. There have been too many times you were too kind to people not worth the black under your fingernail. But you loved them anyway. That says more about your spirit and ability to love than anything they presented to you with their callous behaviours.

I want you to open more to the world. Be able to fully enjoy all the blessings I gift you. You deserve them. You held strong in the darkest of times and you fought long and hard for your little piece of paradise at Sacred Space. For your tiny spot in infamous dance halls. For your right to be free, wild and happy.

It’s a shame no one recognised your true love and its beauty. But that is okay. We did not create you for mundane vicious game players.

The right man is coming. Maybe in a parallel universe where you barely bump each other’s bubble. But he hears your call. He won’t abuse you or neglect you like all the others did. He will honour you in all Aspects of your Being. You will see. You won’t quite believe it but you will know when someone loyal and decent and noble finally shows up.

I see you rolling your eyes in disbelief and grief. Shrugging those shoulders. Closing shuttered doors around your heart. Those other men taught you to fear even the potential of real love. They did a number on you. So spiteful and envious of your Light were they!

But one day you will look back on the past decade and smile. With the fondness of a mother who set her kids free and lived her life so gloriously that all the nasty poisonous barbs just deflected off your stolen stainless steel heart.

But you will let it melt again like a lava on a lake. Brittle pumice scarifying all that needed to be sloughed off. Old life. Old skin. Dead loves. You nurtured that last one too long. Now he is just a golem and a lost boy. Not your circus not your monkey. Not your one-handed shadow puppet.

Click your fingers, clap your hands, pirouette your feet. Sashay away and wait for the day when the right man for you comes out to play. No bullshit. For real this time.

You learned the hard way, so many many times. You can’t polish a turd. You can only spraypaint it gold and kick it back to the darkness it dwells in. Glinting in the reflective glory of your love and light and delight.

I love you Tanya. They will keep trawling their cheap nasty gfs and you must keep laughing. Only a dead soulless gimp would trawl his vapid trophies in your face. You know it!

It’s the narcopath playbook: try to hurt, demean, humiliate you. But you are a warrior goddess queen.

And I ...have your back.

Love from

Your Beloved One.

…

I had bad insomnia last night. Awake until almost 4 am. Then slept deeply (at last!) until 9 am. It’s a beautiful morning but gathering up its usual heat.

Another day in Paradise.

29 December 2018

I had a lovely day. A long chat with Jarrod (we are going to Coochiemudlo Island on Sunday!) and Terrie came over and spent the afternoon and evening with me. We lay in the hammocks and communed with nature (and Facebook!) We listened to music on Spotify and poured our hearts out by singing along.

Sophie was delighted to get cuddles from Terrie in her hammock but covered Terrie in tufts of her epic moulting fur.

Bobo never left her side.

I am so blessed with so much love 🙂

Tomorrow night I am going dancing with Julie and Karen. We shall have fun!

…

Lying in my hammock with a cup of tea and a good book. Processing my pain. Tonight we dance and tomorrow, the sea at Coochiemudlo will cleanse my parched soul.

Happiness!

…

Accurate depiction of my relationship with my daughters right now (perhaps until my final breath) 🙂. Strange that I can still find humour and lightness of being amidst my deathly love relationships and family.

The blooming flowers? Me, not giving up on myself, and the succour of true friends and my animals, my garden and well, life I suppose.

Butterflies? Transformation from one kind of existence to another. When I die I will morph into the most spectacular butterfly with the most amazing colours and I will fly around the world and visit all those who honoured and loved me.

Instead of mourning my loss they will feel days of euphoria and think they have gone quite mad with joy until they find it was only me, blessing them with happiness.

So mote it be.

29 December 2017

Well it’s been a schvitser of a day. I had to go have a shower and wash my hair as I have an allergy all over my chest and double chin from the sweat. So very Sexy! Who loves me, Baby???

Schmeh! Nice and clean and fresh for now! It is so humid as it was raining again this morning but by midday it was scathing hot and sunny. Weird weather!

What can Mama T get up to today? Hmmm. I am going dancing tonight for my heathenish Oneg Shabbat. Too hot to do much. Bobo needs a walk. I might try to take him for a quick one later when the air cools down a bit. Se how we feel.

29 December 2016

Laila Tov! I have a really sore neck from getting smacked in the back of my head by the lid of the chicken coop. But no concussion, so far so good. So I am taking my dry-socketted broke-ass head-banging overly-heated charming charismatic fucked -up-and-over body to bed.

Where I can merge with the cosmic unconscious and dream my new year's fresh beginnings. A new cycle that I already felt coming a month ago and started collating my scribblings then got stymied creatively and otherwise by bad tooth issues.

So nu? The universe smacks me down every single time I strive to achieve something on my own merits. Fights me. Smites me, even finds a way to knock me down and out.

But I am The Tanya and I am single-mindedly crazy and often stupid enough to get up again. So just for tonight. I am laying down my sword but tomorrow, Biatches is another day.

The world is a beautiful place and denial is a long river and monstrous calamities happen but so does love and triumph over adversity.

I am happy and grateful and stonkingly downright amazed to be alive. So this means that while I still draw breath (albeit rather increasingly toothlessly) I still have the potential, the guts and glory to turn my life around and manifest all my greatest desires.

Don't know how, or when or who will be holding my hand at the end but it matters not. What does matter is knowing I was loved/seen/heard/valued. Even if only by a very precious few humans, and my dog and cats. Even if only by unseen entities, my angels/spirits and champions.

May the Holy One blessed be His/her Name allow me at the last phase of my sojourn on this planet the safety/comfort/peace/ abundance/love I have sought since I arrived here. I can't cut deals or change my fate but I am the psychedelic dreamer and I sure can dream.

2016 stole the dreams of so many beautiful talented people but here we sit. In our mortal reality. While their dream continues in another realm.

May they gift us their love and inspiration. Their proof of survival beyond the physical. Their lives continuing to be a blessing, through their various art forms to future generations.

Don't give up! The book of life is eternal. Enjoy your days in the sunshine. It is all we have got.

…

Just got a big crack on the back of my skull by putting the chooks to bed. Lid fell on back of my head. Oh well. Ice ice baby. I might get into the New Year alive. Or not. Past caring actually. Lyn was on the phone so we had a good laugh. Terribly lonely here.

…

I went back to the dentist. He flushed out the dry socket and packed it with clove gel. Gave me a script for strong antibiotics, and panadeine and Panadol. He did't charge me for follow-up treatment but the chemist cost me $30. So now $10 to my name until 3rd Jan. Constant fucking epic struggles are doing my head in.

But happy thoughts, the antibiotics and pain relief will help heal the dry socket and I can get better in time.

The last dry socket took 4 months to heal. So I am going to fight my way through this epic shit again. Arrrghhhhhhh!

29 December 2015

Utterly exhausted all day. I feel like my brain might explode. I slept most of yesterday and today and still feel carved out like a hollow ivory ornamental ball, with other balls inside it.

My mother bought that in the Canary Islands. I think my sister stole it. Hmmm! Just going to let the days drip away like time in a Salvadore Dali painting.

In bed with Penny and Mushu who are happy to be with me.

Kelly Anne: Same. Feckn hot in Perth past 3 days! No aircon. Lying in front of fan in a state of undress not fit for human sight.

Hope my heart continues to behave itself cos I'd feel re-hee-heeeeally sorry for any ambo's what might be forced to deal with that sight.

PTSD lookout! -here comes St John Ambulance? Lol.

Me: Just rest. I had 2 hysterical conversions while I was screwing in my door ornaments (swapped them over). I nearly blacked out each time. Housework or any kind of work except pottering in the garden makes me sick.

I have finally finished mopping and vacuuming my bedroom. Just mopping in lounge and spare room to do now. Three days to clean house and I still have dusting and polishing to do. FML. Not coping. I need a housekeeper and a cook but I better not ask the universe for that or IT will put me in a nursing home!

…

I was so excited to see native bees on my chaste berry tree. It had purple flowers which have now been pollinated and boasts many seeds. The bees had blue bands on their abdomen. So lovely.

My crazy pest killer neighbour used to poison them until I went berserk at him. He has many fruit trees. I had to remind the idiot that he needs the bees to pollinate the flowers to get fruit.

…

I was emotionally speeding until 5 pm when I finally fell asleep. Just woke up at 1 am. Bobo was so quiet and considerate but he had 3 nannies to guide him. Socks is off on an adventure and he is no nanny! Or Ninny. He will be back tomorrow no doubt. Lovely boy!

29 December 2014

Big Storm Coming. Woot! That will clear my head and gird my loins!

At Crystal's with Mushu playing with the rabbits.

29 December 2013

Just woke up from a nap that just happened at the beginning of a storm. The initial clanging of Thor's hammer shuddered me into wakefulness but then I passed out on my couch.

My body was so hot and clammy that I woke briefly again to the sound of rain and the comforting, cooling, delicious sensation of cool air from outside being blown across my thighs by the fan. So I hitched up my skirt to better get more air across my belly and went back to sleep.

Woke up again, at 8 pm feeling much cooler and well-rested. These epic storms that super-charge our bodies, minds and the environment but provide so little rain is a frustration though.

All that cosmic hullaballoo and not enough water in Holland Park!

29 December 2012

I celebrated the beautiful Full Moon tonight by driving with Jarrod, Harvey and Miss Bella to Wynnum Beach for a long relaxing walk by the sea, on to Manly, for fish and chips then a long walk back to the car.

On the drive home we stopped for thickshakes at Hungry Jacks. Bella and Harvey were very excited and happy with their outing. Life is good!

29 December 2009

More rain...it's been lovely to have it after such a long drought but I'm kind of over it and the consequent humidity now. Human nature...never satisfied with what we've got lol

29 December 2008

is slowly recovering from a bad asthma bout...and looking forward to the New Year!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons