Memories: 27 May 2023

27 May 2023

Quiet day. My asthma is bad. I sat in the sun with my back to the sunlight which soothed me somewhat.

27 May 2022

Trigger warning: mention of sex organs, trauma processing.

A memory. I have included the comments as they are so precious and valuable and usually don’t get shared across when I repost!

This was written one month before that horrific surgery at the Princess Alexandra hospital that was so systemically abusive that I was indeed cast into immediate “service” as I went into full blown Berserker mode on their arrant scum heads. The entire medical team.

Except the caring and brave nurses who had my back and looked after me when I stopped breathing during the night and the woman who deftly removed my drain while I ranted and raved at my unworthy disgraceful doctors!

Then three weeks after that event, still writhing in agony I attended my first drumming circle and was confronted in the ensuing months with several former casual sexual partners. Fuck! Unholy! But I rose above their sadistic little proclivities.

There is no man alive that can be my lover and stand with me in honour, respect and integrity or if there is one, I have not met them yet. Sad but true.

I noticed recently that rather too-young men are attracted to me in recent weeks. A worry. I don’t want sexual relationships with very young men. I need a fully integrated compassionate decent adult man with enough maturity to handle a wild woman and a complex trauma survivor. A kind man. Not one inclined to destroy me every time I disagree with his worldview or his abuse dynamics. Yuck.

My truest loves are all platonic because therein I have a measure of safety.

And don’t get me wrong, I am a deeply passionate woman who used to enjoy great sex when I could get it. Perhaps there lies the trauma Bonding I had with Dave Charles as after all is said and done and all his viciousness, we had enjoyed a night of such passion that even the gods grabbed their knitting and weaved their tears into joy. (Or maybe only I felt that way from the very beginning so it was all a grand delusion).

He who declared that I have an “ugly vagina” which is ironic as my vagina is perfectly reorganised after that other horrific surgery on 30th October 2007 so that man doesn’t know shit about vaginas and only knows how to abuse the owners of them.

But I remained in love which believe me was like a long held spell. Why the fuck did that happen? The man is not worth a scrap of my attention. Caused me severe emotional pain!

But the gods know something I do not. Lessons were learned and prayers were answered and the recalibrations of my spirit were INTENSE. But thank you Dave Charles you cunt…I got me back! PS I love you.

Sometimes my worst, most dangerous, most feckless enemies were/are indeed the making of Me. See also David Davidson who haunted me from beyond the veil as he realised in his life review what an almighty evil monster he had been to me.

So now…we wait…my time too, is imminent. I hope the gods and angels are kind to me when I get there as after all, I only ever loved and fought to maintain my honour and integrity…even though it burned me to the ground a thousand times.

27 May 2021

10:54 am awake at last. Only because a package arrived so I got woken by the delivery driver.

I had a rough night, peeing 5 times during the night. So tired and especially as I was very fatigued yesterday also. I am starting to feel like my old Zombie personage again.

But time to rattle my dags and greet another day.

It’s a beautiful day outside. Let’s see what manifests for me today!

…

Update: Socks passed away on 9th July 2021. I am Still devastated at his loss and the vile treatment of Mt Gravatt vets who were paranoid that I had Covid so used that as an excuse to treat us both so badly. Dirty evil bastards!

But Socks went into a steep decline as he was unable to hold urine and it was harrowing for him, for me and Sally and Rachael.

Socks was one of the biggest cats I ever owned and one of my biggest loves.

27 May 2020

…

27 May 2019

Just woke up. A really rough night. Lots of reflux and broken sleep caused by the reflux. I had a long sleep during the day yesterday so just as well. My body is at war with itself. I am over-eating and belching and fatigued and not really wanting to do too much. But I have been here before. Many times.

I had an intense dream this morning about a place where bears were being exploited for cheap labour to walk or roll around in a water wheel to power a boat of some kind. Sounds nuts but made sense in the dream.

The bears were treated like migrant workers and had to line up along with humans to be paid. Only adult bears were large enough to do the work but sometimes their cubs tried to sneak in too. They wanted the money.

The people running the business looked Latino and the entire family were involved in it. I watched the young daughter aged about 12, counting thousands of dollars for the banking. I asked her father if he thought it was wise to put her in charge of balancing the books of such large amounts of money. He said she enjoyed counting it.

I flashbacked to my own childhood. Watching my paedophile godfather counting his gambling winnings and tossing rolls of money into the air with gleeful celebration, but I would just roll my eyes as invariably his sudden increase in fortune would be gone the next day.

Sometimes my mother would demand he buy me gold jewellery as then there would be something to show for his winnings. He bought me a gold engraved bangle which, in 2005 a bikie chick friend of Gail’s made me throw out on the highway as it was “bad juju”.

I fought her (it had been mine since I was 12 years old) but she asked me to look at it then casually flipped it out the car window. I was both furious and yet somehow relieved. My “slave” bracelet I had honoured as my dues for so much sexual/emotional abuse by my family of origin. I had kept that bangle for 28 years. (I have a tendency to keep things for decades).

Since my mother’s death I have slowly divested myself of all my gold jewellery except for a few items. I am no longer a bought and paid for, child concubine. If I get gold or diamonds now it will be because I bought it for myself or it will be gifted out of a pure and honourable love.

I also flashbacked to how my ex husband would get me to count up our takings in our own Business but only the coins and would treat me like a child, allowing me only $150 per week in “pocket money” (which went to pay private school fees) and I smiled down at the child in the dream being trained to have control over money she would never actually see or own in real life.

Exploitation was the theme. I watched a young cub line up with his mother for the job of turning the water wheel and saw him scooted away by the other humans, with laughter. It seemed important to the cub to show he was “man” enough to work.

Why actual money was important to them I have no idea? Maybe they were evolved in intelligence in a different dimension somewhere. But I felt sad for the bears that they were forced to work so hard in a world where money was their god when here in earth, there could still be innocence and play for most of the animal kingdom. (Unless you are a mule, a race horse, or cattle or sheep or chickens - then you are fair game to be exterminated for food or labour).

The bears were mostly white Polar bears. They were beautiful and strong. (Perhaps with my fat white Hobbit body the bears represented myself. 🙂 ). I am manifesting a thinner Hobbit body. But that would involve eating much less quantities of food. Even I am not sure why I am choosing to eat so much when I am waiting for surgery. Survival of the fattest mode, I call it.

Anyway psychedelic dreamer is dreaming again, in spite of sleepless bellyaching state.

I suspect the dream is a reminder for me to enjoy my child-like state and sunshine existence. For I had been both the exploited bear on a wheel going nowhere and the cruel master stuck in a trap to gather money to survive: but in my case only to have it torn from me in ugly ignoble ways. Barely breathing or existing but now surviving on a pension. Hmmm. Such is my life.

Ohh by the way, Good Morning. 😉

Last evening (between 7:30 pm And 8 pm) I had a powerful demand by spirit to make contact with my former love interest. I had to fight with myself for that entire time. I am not going to reach out to him anymore. It just sets me back and makes me vulnerable to being played for a fool.

I often wonder if it is him sending his energies out to me or if it is some trickster spirit? It often happens on a Sunday evening. Weird shit. But I held strong and will monitor any spiritual manipulations. I hold my own power and yeah, there is a new medium these days. It’s called a mobile phone. Lmao!

(From the comment section:)

Marty Ltp: morning tanya 🙏I barely survive on a pension too it is hard in a hard world; though I guess there is the humility and humbleness that comes with it --that allows us to then see the futility of it. I am the other way round here, I am a mere 53kg appetite gone to shit, but I been up to my head in shit for the year past... must stabilise and crack on now. ---curious if Spirit is perhaps bringing your attention to un-cut cords, where still exists a part of your essence, holding you back? you are highly intuitive Tanya you are proceeding with caution this is good to see; that we see the forest clearly for the trees; let none upon us deceive! I AM Sovereign, I AM source, I AM free /sending Love ❤

Me: Thanks for your kind thoughtful sentient words.

Yes there is a big unresolved love still smouldering (mouldering?!) inside me. I have tried everything to get detachment.

But my spirit is very very stubborn. Not easy...being me.

My psychiatrist recently told me I am powerful in my core. This is no doubt due to the fact he has witnessed me surviving not only my own childhood traumas but years of unrequited lovers and poverty and a deep unabating sadness and feelings of loss/rejection and lack of safety.

He has seen me blow life back into myself many times. Especially in the past 4 years since I ceased relying on psych meds to get me through my day.

I went away in a quiet rage but when I saw him last week for my debrief I told him that I acknowledge now that I am indeed Powerful. I don’t even know where the source of all my innate power comes from except perhaps from God.

I was remembering yesterday how as an infant I was starving (due to reflux and my stupid parents and older sister complained about my vomiting but did not feed me enough!) so they told me that one day they came to my crib and I was so enraged that I had shoved my tiny little fists under my nightgown and was pushing one fist out through the neck hole in temper and frustration. (I actually remembered this when they told me the story!)

I remember the internal Fire of feeling trapped, unnurtured properly then mocked and derided for being sick and hungry and vulnerable.

Even my paedo godfather strove to make sure that I was properly fed after that (himself a survivor of csa in an orphanage who knew much hunger as a child!) so I worked out a lot of karma even as a baby and to be honest I am quite done with this fucked up life and all I wanted was a healthy loving partnership with a man who can touch me and yet still respect me.

So many of my partners either violated my body and boundaries or on the other spectrum treated me like my human desire for touch was something dirty or despicable.

So I am currently striving to find balance in that.

The reflux is really bad now but at least I am not vomiting or fighting through my night clothes. Menopause means I sleep naked and have to cast my doona off as I overheat.

The fiery anger internal combustion system is under better control now although only a fool pushes my buttons these days. I go from Sweet little mental patient to psychotic homicidal Killer in minus 5 seconds. Only because too many callow vicious bastards have actively tried to kill me so now I will go to Valhalla in my own blazing glory.

There is power in just knowing the only one who will ever be there for me or “save” me is my own Self. Something I knew as a baby but did not have the body or mind to put into practise.

But yes, the dreams are very intense at the moment. So Great Spirit is working with me. There were several months when I stopped dreaming and took a dive into depression so as mad as it seems I am glad to be dreaming again and yes, allowing the Holy One to heal my mind/body/ spirit so I can complete my mission on earth (wherever that is or how that manifests!)

I have been very closely bonded to Death all year so it is good and graceful that Life is calling me back again. Although I stand between both paradigms and get a little worn out from their constant tug o’ war games. (Laughter in the spheres...) yeah baby.

Marty Ltp: Tanya I really appreciate your openness it is refreshing to see, and so very important it is for us that we show the world true humility at this time.

You will have seen the saying around ‘that those whom suffer the greatest trauma have the higher callings’.

That Spirit is irrefutably working with you to break you down, for the Greater purpose and your part in it.

What is outstanding right now for you to attend has been given you, whether that is a lesson in discerning trickster entities, or the releasing of old wounds and/or chapters.

I had the divine feminine aspect maa-Kali wake me last year and very firmly shocked upon my senseless mind.

—-a brutal awakening, though I see now and respect the approach for I too were stubborn, though it is a tool I use now whensoever it is required. Same same for the raging fire within.

You are an amazing Soul Tanya, your innate wisdom cannot hide; and in this we trust.

You are being groomed for Service. Jump through the hoops they put in front of you; though command the outcome, and take no shit!

Your honour is at hand; indeed all our honour is forthcoming. I can’t wait! 💛🍃

/love and strength abound! 🧚‍♂️

Me: Take no shit, and so we shall. Minus the “grooming”. I serve in my own small ways when I am called upon. But too many were spiteful or envious so dishonoured my service. We shall see. I have no idea where I am going. Never have perhaps never will. But I hold my place in Sacred Space and honour the beings that brought me to this point on my existence.

In Hebrew “Baruch Atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech HaOlam Schehecheyanu V”kiyemanu v” higiyanu lazman hazeh!”

Blessed Be the Lord our G-d, Ruler of the Universe who sustained us and brought us to this season (of joy, safety and service of others so that I may too be of service.). Amen.

Marty Ltp: Tanya, and to the children of the father Sun, amen 🙏

Me: Marty Ltp we are all children of the Sun, my friend 😉.

Dancing in the eternal summerlands. Hey, faerie, put in a good word for me. Hugs!

Marty: It will be done dear friend. I have a number of ceremonies to perform now, and so the time is nearing; I will let you know ❤

Me: Thank you 🙂

Kelly Anne: Pension not enough to survive on, let alone live. Why are we being punished for everyones elses crimes all the time? Do ppl think its good sport or something to torture innocent victims?

Me: “They” actually do think our struggles are entertainment ( think Hunger Games!). But shhh we must arise and shine and express gratitude even for our suffering as it ennobles us. Lmao!

Kelly Anne: CV joints in my car gone.

Both kids sick.

I require a $6000 surgery not covered by medicare... just to stop me suffering in pain & discomfort -not to improve quality of life or even fix me back to what a 40yo SHOULD be...

2x computers broken.

Both boys now need new clothes.

My CRPS is in flare up

Washing machine broken.

Lawyer not helping.

Police fail to enforce VRO.

Plates rego bill arrived.

Rent overdue.

Ambulance bill overdue.

Power bill overdue.

Phone bill overdue.

Internet overdue

No food in house.

Speeding fine overdue.

My ventilator machine broke down.

Denzels ENT $450 on Wed.

PS. Only speeding to get away from psycho MAN in car chasing me & trying to ram me off road.

List goes on & on & on...

When do we stop getting punished for what OTHERS did TO us???

Marty: /I pray you find resolve Kelly; perhaps consider the possibility that this unwarranted 'punishment' is not at all punishment, rather restless ancestors? In the Shamanic world, there is a known process of Ancestral Realignment that sees us Heal our bloodlines, returning honour to them, and so reclaiming your own. /heart 2 heart -it is all I can offer too sadly enough.

Me: Marty Ltp Kelly Anne is a scientist. Not much of a mystic I am afraid, but yes she has had a very difficult life like mine and yes, I hear you about acknowledging our ancestors although we both had very abusive families of origin. Honour is not really due them but I have found that since telling my stories of my experience with them I have found a measure of peace.

I reclaim our honour by living in our experiential Truth and finding peace in the reality that our abusers were intrinsically evil and/or very damaged mortals who knew better but chose to perpetuate their abuse.

So verily, the buck stops here.

Marty: yes, it is also commanding your space and sovereignty. Unhappy ancestors have a very tangible and debilitating effect in our lives, and we need to take charge of that. I would not have said this last year, but I understand now the importance... /I need to do this also I am unearthing some very nasty family secrets (3-4 generations back) that are beginning to explain a lot of things.

Marty: Tanya I could learn just off ur accounts thank you; I haven’t looked quite so far as yet, though I am considering curses etc —-this might be simply a case of drafting your own contract revocations and enacting them.?

Me:my great great grandmother Cecilia Herbert, a veritable wild woman who married Richard Rush, a former convict in NSW, who through being made a convict left behind a wife and children back in England. Another great grandmother Sarah Phillips (Rush) who lost 8 of her 12 children to typhus in one year. So much ancestral trauma!

Anna Marie Patula, Antoni (Hans) first wife. Suicided by drinking poison.

“I heal myself to the tenth generation before me!” Yeah used that affirmation a few times.

Life has gradually gotten better but that might just be due to my awesome brave friends and the aging process “the getting of wisdom”

Marty: Tanya 🙏🌼

Me: it is seemingly endless. Hugs. I wish I had money to help you but I don’t. All I can offer is my love and platitudes which soothe the psyche but not the bank balance. I wish you Healing, Abundance and much joy, love and peace.

…

11:11 am 🙂. The gas fitter is here fixing my stove top. I will have a fully functioning cooker again. The drainers are on the way this morning to put a camera down the sewer line. Nice. All happening.

It’s another beautiful morning. Charlie is outside. I might even summon some daemon energy and take The Beau for a walk in the Forest. I have to wait a few hours until the drainers have been and gone.

…

…

The Drainers just left. The one who reported back to me told me that I am very lucky as most housing commission houses don’t even get fixed as the old earthenware pipes cost thousands to replace. I replied I am lucky only in that I have lived here for 16 years and we are still Shovelling my own shit.

He said he was putting in a work order for a small Excavator (I says “oh like a bobcat”) to dig out the line yet again. Apparently the last idiots replaced the line 4/5ths of the way and left a metre of pipe undone. He could not understand why they left it like that.

I joked “Tell them that Ms Arons thinks they are idiots and she is going to war on their heads!” I wish. (Where is my Boudiccea Babe when I need her?! Shhhh. Be patient girlfriend. Save the wars for the life-threatening stuff!)

Anyway housing will let me know when they are sending out the excavator. He was not sure when. Hmmm.

He also told me that my neighbour Timsa has two big fig trees growing on top of the pipe and although pvc pipes are better they do get crushed under the weight of the larger heavier tree roots. (Also I know Timsa would not be able to repair the problem on his land!)

So a prayer will go up and a request for the Fae to divert the tree roots to more appropriate places than sewerage drains (lmao!) and a speedy resolution of my current shitty problem as there is nothing worse than free flowing effluent and poor workmanship.

All good. I am blessed. It will be repaired or replaced. I am loved and protected. ;-)

…

27 May 2017

…

Charlie thoroughly enjoyed my honey on toast.

27 May 2016

I was in a deep sleep dreaming, when I was rudely woken up by Q Build painter wanting to paint the eaves that were replaced. Buggar it. Buggar Buggar Buggar.

But: I am awake in time to take a lovely shower (next job) and dress myself and drive to Lyn's as we are going to have lunch at the pub and then go to see Alice Through The Looking Glass! Yayyy!

But right now I am Facebooking in my warm bed, with a hot tea, and enjoying my unexpected wakefulness.

I had a lot of trouble getting to sleep last night. 25 mgs Seroquel won't quell my mind. I might have to go back to 50mgs. Damn it! Dammit dammit blame dang it. But easing off the antidepressants is easy. So patience Psychedelic Dreamer. Happy thoughts. And lots of patience!

…

I just had a lovely lunch at Alexandra Hills Tavern with Annette, Lyn, Amy, Danni and Aali. Then later we are off to see Alice through the looking glass.

…

I am searching for pool fencing panels to make a safe run for my chooks so Beauregard can't stalk and harass them all day long. Later on I will use the pool fencing to put up an above ground pool.

…

27 May 2015

I have slept for 3 hours. Really tired after yesterday's effort trying to sort my house.

I saw my psychiatrist today. Always good to debrief. Now it's almost 11 pm. Might as well get up, eat something, and fold the epic mound of washing.

…

I am a Feminist! My mother was a Feminist, my grandmother, an activist and a Feminist. (Also a violent child abuser but that was the other side of her coin).

She defied the Nazis by throwing packages of food over the barbed wire fences of one of the holding camps in Hamburg. An act that could have gotten her interred in a camp herself. She was fierce, intelligent and brave. But a monster at home.

Brave wild women, either home-grown or created in the furnace of abuse and dissent makes more brave determined wild women and decent men. We continue, even in the 21st century to advocate for women's and children's rights to a safe and free society based on lovingkindness, respect and provision for those of us who couldn't make it in our society.

If you hate Feminists. You hate women. So go mock us with your putrid "fuck 'em right in the pussy" evil shit which Irish Murphys subscribes to and then banned me for complaining about the constant misogyny and for daring to ask for protection on the dance floor. But remember, Cunts! Without that Vagina, you would not even be here.

Women give and give and give while this society, ruled by a few sickoes, strips us all bare. Either Stand by me, the woman...or get the Fuck out of my way. The old Ones are returning and we want Balance brought back to this world.

…

11.10 am. I was woken by a Rapid Response worker from the Brisbane City Council telling me that I have to park my car inside my fenceline from now in, as where I park it on the Driveway is council land and it incurs $116 fine.

I have only parked there for 12 years!!!! It is off the street but in the driveway!

This is in response to my reporting that bastard with the Golden Retriever who runs it off-leash. Nothing has been done about that but they harass me over my car! Blood boiling!!

…

4.04 am. Finally in bed. Exhausted but making progress! :-)

…

12.45 am. Today I hit the ground running and started unpacking loads of Crystal's stuff. I dragged the Dvd shelf up the stairs, bad back and all. I put it on an old blanket and slid it upstairs. I have now unpacked several boxes of her books and moved my dvds and hers on the shelf. I am a tad exhausted. I also am still doing heaps of washing. My machine has gone non-stop since I got up at midday.

There is so much stuff! Mind Blown. Little by little, I will get some sort of order again.

27 May 2014

Today I was gifted with a beautiful day trip to the Ginger Factory at Yandina and then later at Montville. My best male friend Jarrod and my beautiful daughter took me out.

They bought me lunch and Crystal bought me a lovely hammock and Jarrod bought me a bag of rock candy. Then when we got back to Crystal's we told funny anecdotes from my former life. It was very amusing.

I feel very fortunate and blessed in life. :-)

…

Woohoo! Crystal just got permission from Boisecurity to have a second Rabbit. So another Roadtrip to Grafton to the Rabbit Rescue Sanctuary is imminent. Ramon wants a wife! Desexed, of course! This time we will try to find a lazy loppy snuggler bunny. As Ramon is so active. Lol.

…

I am The Universe's Best Player! The Universe is not going to bench me. I bring Love and Light into the World.

3 pm. Finally awake. Fed the chooks, cats, and fish. Everyone happy. I just ate left over strudel. The whole lot. Wow. Hungry Mama! Now Fat Mama! I don't care!

I am going to try my new Hammock out and enjoy some sunshine before nightfall.

27 May 2013

2 am. About to sleep. Cooked pumpkin soup from 11.30 pm then did all my dishes then enjoyed slurping my lovely soup! Now fat bottomed, full bellied and satiated, this Wild Domestic Goddess who only emerges during Full Moons and Storms can retire for the night.

27 May 2012

I drained some of the stale water out of the small pond at rear of my house and refilled it with some nice freshwater. Might be able to see the 2 Feeder Goldfish now.

I moved one of the waterlillies into the front pond and topped that up. I need to buy some more larger goldfish after ther Heron supped a few weeks back!

I also watered most of the garden but it got cold and dark. I had to call Qbuild out again as I saw I had a sewerage problem again. So that was rather annoying and stinky. They are going to put in a report so maybe it will finally be fixed properly.

Oh and the Qld Govt finally installed Insulation in my ceiling cavity a few days ago so that will help with energy costs. Woohoo!

27 May 2011

having serious withdrawals from not having puter but Peter is going to see if it can be fixed n if not there is possibility I can buy a secondhand one. so I won't be on facebook much so ring me if u need me.

27 May 2010

Tomorrow I am off to photocopy more shit. I mean relevant and hopefully incriminating documents for my lawyer and post it off. I wonder when it will all end??? I am sure this is the last of it, so I guess it will end soon!

The upside is my compost is full of dead tree by-products. I hope it makes compost and/or some kind of papery mulch, ‘cos something good must come out of all this!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons