Memories: 25 December 2023

25 December 2023

25 December 2022

It’s the Eighth night of Chanukah (heralding the beginning of the 8th day). The lights are full and replete and happy. I had a lovely chat with Jackie Burns. I also had a visit briefly from Tash and Warren and their children who gifted me lovely desserts!) A brief visit from Peter and Miss Koko.

It’s been a lovely but humid day. I am looking forward to seeing Jarrod and possibly Crystal tomorrow also.

I spent the arvo making salads. No desserts as per orders but I might go a little wild and break out a jelly! Oh my!

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1:11 pm a few thoughts. Yesterday I briefly visited my neighbours behind me. I brought them two kinds of mint from my Sacred Space garden. Also two pairs of skull earrings for their children. (For wearing on Halloween or other gothic events that kids enjoy!) Skulls represent Eternal life.

Anyway I suppose it seemed odd but the two girls were avoidant, not wanting to come to the door to greet me. I was not invited inside, but I had the wet pot of mint still dripping so that was reasonable.

I went to engage with and pat their little fox terrier dog Pickles. Now anyone who knows me Knows that most animals absolutely adore me. But Pickles snarled and ran away.

Tash went to pick her up and carried her over to me in her arms. Again I reached out to her and she bared her teeth, her hackles went up and she shivered.

I was utterly horrified. Tash brushed it aside that Pickles is partially blind so couldn’t see me properly. I said that I probably smell of Bobo so that is the sense of threat. Anyway I left feeling quite perturbed by Pickles’ strong reaction to my presence.

Then this morning I was still in bed, barely awake. I heard a quiet scuffling up the front steps. Bobo went barking to the door. I got up, put on a dressing gown. At the door was Damon with his tiny daughter Ayla in his arms. They had brought a very large gift bag with a box which beheld a beautiful china cup and saucer and matching spoon shaped like a peacock.

I invited them in and Damon sat on the office chair with Ayla still in his arms. I wanted to open the present in their presence so they could see my delight and appreciation.

I asked Ayla if I could touch her but as I reached to touch her little face but she shrank from me in horror. (My hair was not brushed as I was fresh out of bed so I suppose I did look frightening!)

After I opened the present I was deeply touched and surprised. I said to Damon, “I am gonna kiss your cheek, this is so lovely”. I gave him a very tight lipped, small peck on the cheek (partially because I was conscious of my foul morning breath) and also as it is perhaps a little too much intimacy from “the witch” lmao.

Damon accepted the small intimacy with grace but little Ayla again recoiled in Horror. They left soon after and I was both bemused and a tad astonished at their unexpected Christmas blessing of both the wonderful gift and the visit.

Damon thanked me for inviting him into my house which was polite and respectful but I could not help feeling that it was like a fear of some kind that he had had to overcome.

When he mentioned celebrating a Finnish Christmas with his family, I nodded in understanding. I told him my mother was German and she also celebrated Christmas on Christmas Eve as that is the custom in Germany and most of Northern Europe probably due to the influence of Lutheranism.

But the visit was a sweetness and kindness and I can’t help having a little chuckle as it also felt a little bit like the mollifying of the old witch lest she rain down curses on the neighbourhood heads. (Ahem. I am not that kind of witch or person…but why risk it?!)

Anyway I am really delighted that Damon and Laimee and baby Ayla and her sister Sophia did this for me.

But the thing that concerns me is what the hell is wrong with my spirit or my energy that both little Ayla and little Pickles yesterday viewed me with such ghastly horror. It’s more than just a bad hair morning or bed hair.

Peter came past a few days ago and I was wearing my “Hippie Soul” dress and he stated I should change the name to A.S.S and I was not integrating that reality so I kept changing his spelling to ALL and when I finally realised he was calling me an ass hole I just rolled with it and said “see how I like to think better of you , that I would not accept your initial interpretation or reality?!”

So hmmm maybe I am an arsehole. Or maybe I have a darkness enveloping me? Which I shall have to beat back, lest it smother me in a befoulment not of my own choosing.

The spirits are restless the past few days. I am intuiting something intense.

So that permeating darkness that has little dogs and tiny children view me with fear or loathing is a temporary refracted mirror of my own isolation and cosmic worldview. Ie this too shall pass. Light fills my mind and spirit and young Damon with his Finnish ancestry (Viking) took the time to greet me in my actual home so there is great beauty in that 🙂.

Blessed be the peacemakers for we shall indeed inherit the Earth!

Happy Yule to my Viking ancestors. Happy Chanukah, Merry Christmas and may the ancient ones who ride shotgun beside me, bless us all with great joy, peace, prosperity and a certain good-humoured circumspection.

Getting older and embracing the Crone is a gift that fills little spirits with abject terror or awe, according to my convocations and invocations.

I must clear my inner sacred space so I don’t terrorise the Little ones. 😉

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11.22 am Rainnn…which is blessed relief after the smouldering humidity.

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Written by an Irishman and a Catholic but his sentiments about G-d resonate nevertheless. Our culture seeks debasement and secularism but sacrifices faith, hope, charity and the noblest attitudes to human endeavour to a faceless almost demonic (now!) drive called Science in which I personally do not worship.

There is an inventor, a creator so sublime that even that energy would be aghast at what our scientists have flirted with in the name of human hubris and subsuming the God Principle and the God particle.

But don’t mind me: when push comes to shove I am as heathenish as the next monster. A Jew, a witch and a Viking. An anomaly in three acts! But I firmly believe in the Invisible and invincible dimensions that layer upon layer built this earth, this time and space, this universe.

There can be no deconstruction in the construction. The unbelievers exist without faith. The faithful exist without belief but the Great master watches and waits as always, occasionally tweaking Their few “Chosen ones” to See what we react like.

Be kind, be courageous, be quirky. But delight in the life you are given and hold it sacred. It just might Surprise you.

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I just got woken up from a visit from Damon and his little toddler Ayla. They brought me a beautiful gift (chosen by Laimee!)

Such a lovely surprise! Little Ayla went all shy so they had to go home but I offered her a kiss on the cheek and she was quite perturbed and overwhelmed which was adorable.

Damon said they celebrated Christmas last night as his family are Finnish. He says his Dad made a lovely turnip dish and grated lots and lots of carrots. Very interesting and cute!

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12:39 am unable to sleep. So sipping the lovely sangria that Lyn gave me today. Delicious. I sat outside for a while until the midges gave me the heebie jeebies.

It is a beautiful night. The garden was lit by the new moon. I had an urge to lie in the grass but it was full of dew so cold and damp and I had not long prior had an epic coughing fit out of nowhere. So had to take ventolin.

The silence is interrupted by humanoids yahooing in the ‘hood. Odd. But oh Well. I too should scream or howl. Loud orgasmic banshee shrieking under their windowsills are in order.

But let them be happy. Life is short and weird.

25 December 2021

10:52 pm Lots of sirens tonight. Eerie. Oh well. Time to sleep I guess. Laila Tov 🙂

25 December 2020

25 December 2019

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11:11pm May Love adorn our hearts like enduring holidays of Bliss into Eternity.

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I got tv for my bumholey. I turned everything off and left it for 30 minutes. No wrestling with outsourced poor English speakers required.

A chrismukkah miracle.

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The storm last night seems to have blown out my Fetch tv. Still struggling to get it to connect. Irritating beyond belief. I don’t want to have to call Optus on Christmas Day. Arghhh.

I guess I can watch free to air tv which is working or read a book.

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Oh my Goddess. The most delicious Rainnn. But I had trouble getting Charlie out of the tree so I am utterly saturated. (Only just got properly dressed). Charlie thought it was wonderful leaping about in the tree with big subtropical rain falling all around him. Little brat.

But we are both inside and there is no wind yet. Only just getting thunder too. Woohooo. Best Christmas present ever. Water from heaven kissing the parched earth and our desiccated desecrated bodies. Bliss.

Now we get to blossom..again!

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I have promised myself to write myself beautiful love letters and stories (as if I had the kind of lover I have always longed for...). Also to spoil myself more in 2020 (within the constraints of my financial situation) and to never let any further emotional game players upset me again.

I deserve so much more that the false poppinjay attentions I had received in recent months. Close but no chocolate fish...motherfuckerssss! Only real men with authentic intentions allowed.

I have Spoken! No zombies, no shallow shadow men and no Shams...Man.

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I had a lovely long afternoon with two people who love me with all my quirks, mood swings, occasional bouts of hypomania and find delight in my mad mad but true stories, and never judge me for my lifestyle or my poverty or my strange but defiant existence.

Lyn and Peter. Thank you for including me in your Christmas and loving me with such healing respectful ways and never making me feel diminished or undeserving no matter how poor or how unwell I have been over the past 25 years. Thank you for your deep friendship and abiding stalwart love.

You Rock! Xxxxxxxxxx

Beauregard says “Thank you too!” He was ever so reluctant to come back home. Dogs Blessings upon you. (that is Beau’s translation for “God bless!”)

PS that fruitcake which I usually don’t like much and avoid eating…was Excellent!

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I have woken up feeling happy and peaceful. The air is much cooler after last night’s storm so I can breathe again (even with my chronic asthma!)

My head feels much clearer too. I feel Free. Today is gonna be a happy day. Thanks for the love last night, Megan, Lyn and Jackie. It really helped me feel much better. xxx

25 December 2018

Thinking of the nice Irish gentleman I met outside the casino early Saturday morning. I was winding him up as I do (my avoidant personality keeping me safe) but I was friendly enough to tell him how I sent my daughter to kiss the Blarney Stone at Blarney castle as she is an actor and the Fae demand it. He laughed.

I said “I actually had no idea that you had to be hung upside down between the rock and the castle. I thought it was just some dirty old rock out on a field somewhere. But if you are going to make a living telling stories and creating art then you must kiss the Blarney Stone!”

He told me he served 20 years in the Royal Marines so I told him (Quite inappropriately) that he must be a mad bastard as no respectable Irishman would ever do that. He laughed and said I must be IRA so I laughed and said I bloody well must be.. Irate.

Then he bid me goodbye in Irish Gaelic which sounded like words of love slipping off his tongue but I had no idea what the words meant so had to google madly “Slaglan Po Foill”.

Prettiest goodbye I ever received. Lol.

I once was told I was beautiful by a Welshman in Gaelic too, a kind man who drove me home from a party at the university as I had been there in my capacity as Secretary of the student union exec but my bastard colleagues left me high and dry without transport home.

I was 17, quite terrified to get in the car with the much older Welshman but he was a perfect gentleman, never laid a hand on me and flirted in a courtly respectful manner instead. So when I asked him to say something to me in Gaelic before I got out of his car he said something incomprehensible but beautiful with a warm tender sparkle in his eyes. “What does it mean?” You are beautiful...

I never forgot that Welshman, for his kindness and respect (something I experienced rarely as a young woman).

So my father’s ancestors send folk to me to comfort me in my madness, abandonment, rejection, trauma.

Ancient Gaelic, Celtic, Teutonic, Viking, whatever...have my back. As does the multiverses.

I like that the Irishman thought I was IRA. I was born an anarchist and a rebel and a freedom fighter from ancient bloodlines in my veins and a warrior goddess spirit after being fucked one too many times by foul evil men and my cruel family.

And I do believe...I shall die on my feet too. If I can manage it.

Only the gods ken what will be my ending a turbulent heartbreaking soul shaking loveless life. I cannot cut any deals. Nothing left to take or fake or create. I just hope they give me a good gentle noble ending.

In time...mine!

Merry Christmas to the spirits of light and the fighters of smite. Hand in hand we go on the carousel of love.

Swings and roundabouts. More and more I realise that my “tribe”’ who “get” me consists of an odd mix of trauma survivors, former warriors (or military), ancient tribal ancestral connections and people with actual love in their hearts, hearts often as broken as mine.

I salute you. Proud of you. Proud of me too.

I am being called Home. The kaleidoscope is shifting focus and creating a new locus out of all this hocus pocus. I stand in my garden and watch the wonderment unfold.

Sands shifting, time slipping but I will always remain with great spirit.

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It’s time I sold my car and fucked off out of here. I wonder where I can go to be free of my toxic family?

I always wanted to go to Broome (although I gave up on that Idea when I found out about the crocodiles living there). I have had quite enough cold hearted Reptilian humanoids in my life without living upcreek next to real ones.

I will be thinking very carefully about my options. No point staying trapped in a space where, every time I strive to be happy and live peaceful and carefree, a family member decides to push all my buttons on the worst day of my year. (I was having a happy day too.).

Thanks to Terrie for the love and support last night. It’s been a rough few months (years, decades) but I was doing so well, still dancing even while surrounded by enemies. Still pushing myself forwards and living as best I can with limited resources and my usual complex traumas and always hoping against all hope for a good kind Love and good kind people.

Delusional. The gods decree that I am allowed to exist only if I am alone (with a few rare and precious extraordinary friends who accept me and treat me with care!)

The rest can slip slide away. Or better yet, I accept my time has come and I find another kind of existence.

But where, how? I guess I can get a few grand for my car which is one way ticket to anywhere but here. Maybe even change my name. New fresh start for me.

Let me see what I can manifest in my new reality. Life will be better (or at least different) when there is no one to constantly knife me in the face.

A deserted island....perhaps?

Update 25 Dec 2019: the need to run or dramatically alter my life is a constant craving now. But I remain as no money, and I cleave to my few rare and precious friends and cousins.

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I had a beautiful day and evening with Mark and Ruby, Ayesha and Isaac. Bobo enjoyed being around our family too. Mark cooked a delicious roast lamb and chicken and made potato gratin, and yummy salads. We had antipasto and later, pavlova!

Most of all we talked a lot about our family memories and Mark told me that when Hilda paid off our mortgage on the first duplex home that it had been stipulated in Harry’s will. I was touched by the love that Harry had for me but it was also due to the fact that he had put deposits on each of the other adult children’s homes so believed it only fair.

Hilda and Harry Arons’ generosity gave me not one but 2 homes by the time I was 23. Freehold! (We sold the duplex to buy our home in Birkdale!) it meant I could have children young and live without the usual burdens of 20 somethings.

So that was a huge blessing and it is sad I have not been able to regain what was lost or stolen from me in latter life.

But I am grateful: for my freedom, for my life. For all that is given to me in wholesome loving kindness. I release all that is not meant for me.

I grieve again but will heal ...again and manifest joy in all paradigms of my existence.

25 December 2017

I woke up to a Loud thunder clap with Bobo quietly whining to be let outside for a pee. I swung my legs off the side of my bed. Checked the time on my iPhone. 11:11 pm. Say what?! I had gone to bed at 9:09pm feeling utterly exhausted. Awake 2 hours and 2 minutes later.

Oh well. The air is cool and crisp. After today’s oppressive heat it feels like you could cut glass with it. Lightning flashing the night sky like a wild (and free!) firework display. Beautiful and savage.

As I shall be if I don’t get more sleep! Laila Tov!

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Storm moving in from the north west. Phew! That will break the heat! I have just been out topping up the pond and refilling Bobo’s swimming pool. He didn’t go in for a swim but some cheeky little Minor birds did. Very cute.

Beau is very clingy today. Probably has a bit of a tummy ache from last night’s debacle. But he is giving me lovely smiles and following me around the house and garden and is currently laying on my feet which is his favourite thing to do.

I need to go swimming as am feeling a bit heat-stressed. I planned on taking him to Wynnum but now the storm is coming. Ahhh well. I do love a good howling summer storm!

Time to make a pineapple juice with Soda water.

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11.49 am. Finally out of bed. I just made a cup of tea and have bitten into a delicious cold nectarine from the fridge. Simple pleasures :-)

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Bobo just ate half a cockroach bait while I was in the bath. I rang emergency vet. They want $300 upfront. I have to apply to vetpay to get finance to pay for vet.

The gods fucking hate me. $8 to my name. Probably gonna lose my dog.

Megan Phillips: Pity you can't get bobo to puke it up. I pray he'll be ok cuzn

Jenny Fitzgerald: Oh shit hope bobo will be ok

Me: Waiting to see if I can get pre-approval for vetpay (credit approval) so I can get him treatment and pay it off in fortnightly instalments.

He’s fine. Sleepy.But the vet reckons cockroach bait is deadly. I don’t trust any vets after they murdered my last dog with negligence But I can’t risk Bobo Being poisoned.

Louise Winton: I hope he is ok Tanya

Me: me too!

Megan Phillips: Just googled roach baits n if he only ate one, he should be ok cuzn, I'm thinkn of his body weight in comparison to a cockroach, interestingly called a 'german cockroach'.

Me: The vet wanted me to surrender him straight away. I lost it. They have already killed my other dog.

I think I will have to sell my car as I have no money at all to pay a vet if I can’t get vetpay pre-approval. But how the fuck can I sell my car on Xmas day????

Meanwhile a huge fucking cockroach is running madly around my bedroom. Healthy as a horse! The irony is not lost on me. It’s been 2 hours and Bobo seems ok. Might get some sleep now. Laila Tov.

Corena Bohm: Hopefully all will work out Tanya I hope Bobo is ok xxxx

Jarrod Nielsen: Omfg! What a nightmare! Glad you're both ok!

Me: Jarrod I lost it completely, thinking I was gonna lose another dog. It was very scary. But all is well again. I have beautiful (and strong!) friends.

Kelly Anne: No!

25 December 2016

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Storms brewing on Christmas/Chanukah morning. Lovely and cool!

25 December 2015

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Last night Lucy said to me: "You look like royalty, standing in your corner, all gorgeous, doing your thing. People have to come to you to get near you. I love it!" I said, "There is an Art to not giving a fuck and at 50 I have finally mastered it". We giggled.

Later a very young Asian girl insisted I dance with her. She told me I was sexy. I guess if I were gay I would do very well for myself. Lmao!

Lucy observed, "From your spot you can see the entire Livewire Bar and dance floor!" I said "I know, that is why I like this spot. I can see the creeps incoming before they get near me!" Always avoidant.

Then 2 young middle eastern lads stood beside me. One turned to me and said "my friend like you!" More youths. I said "So!”…Ffs, people, I am not in high school. Don't get your mates to speak up for you. That shit gives me the Heebie Jeebies. I turned away in consternation. The Arab lads skulked away. Off to find younger, more congenial meat.

Apart from the attentions of some very immature men, Lucy and I had fun dancing. Now sore footed and wisearse for another year. It is not so bad. Better to be alone than stuck in a shitty relationship ever again.

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Eating chicken pies and watching the sunrise. Awesome! Morning prayers and best of wishes. Psychedelic Dreamer never quits believing in Love and happiness. Sucker for punishment but what else can she do?!

25 December 2014

25 December 2012

I had a beautiful day with Annette and Ray. A lovely swim and Puppy and Bella made peace with each other. An uneasy peace but Puppy finally quit trying to kill Bella so it was a huge progress! LMAO

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I went to sleep at 4.30 am and randomly woke up at 8.30 am! What the? I need to sleep more as I am having lunch with Annette and Ray today. Guess sleeping 14 hours yesterday made my body clock go ARGGGHHH! lmao

25 December 2011

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Today I had a lovely ChrisMukkah lunch with Gail, Lucy, Christina and Tayhlia. Gail made my favourite pudding at this season. A lovely British Trifle! Yummy!

When I came home my little 12 year old neighbour boy came to visit me with a Xmas present of chocolates. He is a very sweet little boy and hugged me twice, very shyly and informed in a very confident almost manly way...See you next Halloween! (He enjoys observing Halloween with me lol).

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Yesterday I had a lovely day with Crystal. She hired a car and we drove to Woodfordia to set up her tent for Woodfood Folk Festival. Then we went to Montville but the shops were closing and it bucketed down with rain so we got drenched but it was still lovely there.

Today Crystal is extremely ill with a virus tummy bug thingy and a bad chest cold. I am worried as she has to go back to Woodieland tomorrow, sick as a dog in the mud, rain and slush.

Bella was the Dog Star of the day...everywhere we went people stopped to pat or fuss over her, and tell her how cute and beautiful she is. We literally could not move for tourists, locals coming up to admire her. Bella for her part thoroughly enjoyed her Stardom and all the praise and attention!

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True to Tanya form, I had a little unexpected Chanukah Miracle and landed on my feet like the free-falling Pussycat I am and before I disappear invidiously like the smiling Cheshire Cat, all I can say is......I'm Awesome LOL!

Happy Holiday Season to all, and I am looking forward to a fresh awesome, amazing, glorious, beautiful, romantic and Passionate Year in 2012. (MANIFESTING positivity is fun!)

25 December 2010

I enjoyed a lovely Jewish English Christmas Lunch with Gail, Christina, Lucy and Tayhlia. Gail made an amazing feast! It's one of the best Christmas meals I've ever had. Turkey, and Roast Lamb with roast veges, and Trifle. Yummo!

25 December 2009

I had a lovely day with my daughter as she is leaving to work (volunteer) for the Woodford Folk Festival tomorrow. Lucky Girl! Crystal made me Apricot Chicken and Roast vegetables and yummy Chocolate Mousse in Pancakes. Scrumdeliocious.

Oh and we all had a lovely swim too. Bella was still phobic that we might all drown so she ran all around the pool worrying about Crystal diving under the water. Such a lovely dog!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons