Memories: 20 January 2023
Time slips, ancestral curses and agonised teeth…maketh the Woe-man!
20 January 2022
20 January 2020
Storm is almost here :-)
A bit of slippage in Time. Both my microwave clock and the Bambi clock in my kitchen were running 3 minutes fast. I thought “What? How is this possible?” So pedantically checked Safari for the correct time. My iPhone was correct. I had to adjust both clocks.
This seems to happen pretty frequently at my place. Cosmic shifts or the heat? I have no idea what causes these erratic time slips (or running faster!). But it always seems to occur just before or after I have a new change or epiphany.
Oh well. I am officially three minutes younger than I thought I was and if I had to be anywhere, I would be early rather than late. Early bird gets the worm. Or so they keep telling me 😉.
But yes the intense heat is building. I have had another shower to wash my hair. My eyes are all puffy from the heat and I caught a glance in my bathroom mirror as I exited the shower, clambering over my bath and when I saw my eyes, they looked so much like my father’s dreamy Fae wish-washy not-quite-grounded-in-reality eyes that I had to gasp.
Please God. In my Becoming - mostly older and weirder - let me not evolve into anything resembling those two progenitors of my existence. I always looked so much like Gisela, same body shape etc but my eyes now look like David Phillips. Hmmm. Hmmm.
What to do? Garnichts. Bloody genes are roiling under my skin, refurbishing my scaffold as we speak.
I already have his wattle. Dammit.
20 January 2019
Looking back at my memories and the horrendous suffering I endured 2 years ago with my teeth. I don’t know how I survived 3 summers of tooth pain. I am grateful that this summer has been free of tooth pain and only the other usual ptsd and tummy complaints to deal with.
I also saw a note from one of my “mothers” Sylvia Shine back in 2010. It melted my heart to see her little love notes from the past: always reminding me to hold on for another day, that there would be sunshine in my life again, if I can just hold on. She was right, of course. Now she has passed she remains an angel in my shoulder.
At times I can almost hear her cockney accent cheering me on. A real mother with real love in her core. Wanting me to have what has been denied me most of my life - safety, true love and lasting happiness.
I honour you, My Sylvia. Who understood more than most what it took to survive my own childhood and the epic bastardry that followed on from that.
I pray I shall meet you again some day and thank you for your strong English Jewish determined Love. My English Rose, blossoming in infinity!
20 January 2018
Last night with all the excitement of having family visit, I forgot to light the Shabbat candles.
So I was kinda amused when we were having dinner at Grill’d and Ruby reminded Ayesha to recite a Muslim blessing before eating. I turned to Crystal and Mark and said “do you still know the brachah for bread?” Mark and Crystal recited it together.
Crystal asked if the children knew the Shema? No, Mark had not taught them. So we said the first part of the Shema and we all smiled happily.
Then when we arrived home I said “Oh it’s Shabbat! I forgot to light the candles! But how cool that we all said the Shema at Grill’d over dinner! It’s like we unconsciously remembered we are Jews!” Then I giggled! Mark smiled too.
I said Ayesha and Isaac are both Jews (in the reform movement) and Muslims so they can take their pick of both worlds. But you need to teach them both traditions.
I thought it was lovely!
Just watched Psychedelics and Consciousness on Gaia. Very interesting.
Driving home from dropping Crystal off at her friends’ apartment in Margaret Street, I was so tired I had to really focus hard on the drive home.
Halfway home it flashed into my mind to beware of two cats running in front of my car. I was already hypervigilant as my eyes were burning with exhaustion.
Sure enough, down Holland Road a cat ran out in front of me while another lay in the middle strip of the road (a grey tabby). He just sorta reclined and stared at me. I was grateful for the psychic intuition as I had time to brake to avoid killing the cats. I was a bit amazed actually.
Yesterday when my nephew and his family were here, we were sitting around my dining table and when I spoke about how Harry Arons used to haunt Hilda after his death the table jumped up and down by itself.
I tried to lie and say it was leaning on a jandal (thong) and the leg had slipped off but Mark said “No Auntie, the jandals were in the middle of the floor under the table.” I sighed. Someone in the spirit world wanted to make it known that they were aware of our little family reunion.
Mark asked me what the curse was that led to our Arons Clan being so fractured, dysfunctional and downright evil. I replied, the same as the rest of my family tree.
Narcissism and sociopathology. We are riddled with it like wormèd wood and there is nothing we can do about it but get safe and free of the past.
He said he wanted to redeem his mother. I said it is impossible. My own Narcopath mother still attempts to interfere in my life and she has been dead nearly 8 years! Then I laughed.
Mark has the sweetest, most naïve belief that his mother can change. I explained that like my own mother and half-sister and stepfather, his mother will never change or ever be sorry. He needs to accept that and make peace in his own heart and mind with it.
The getting of wisdom! A long slow painful process. I explained that I have been in therapy for over 20 years which has been my saving grace.
Anyway in spite of the ghouls trying to scare us, the dybukkim and the invisible invaders, we all had a lovely day together.
We have the next generation to focus on. The ghosts and daemons of our collective familial pasts shall lose their power in time.
Love is the Law. We can’t do anything about our toxic evil forebears but we can do something about who we are in our own tiny worlds of connection.
20 January 2017
The impending storm is Messing with my mojo meridians. I am in recovery from a root canal surgery (yes it hurt like Hades, even with 2 anaesthetics) but I feel like going out.
I won't though. I need to rest my beleaguered mouth. Anyhow Shabbat Shalom and enjoy the wild storm and the unleashing of fettered furies for me.
Julie Goddard: good woman, stay home and rest
Me: The spirit is Willing and wild and free but the flesh is weak.
If the storm comes I can always have a tiny dance in the rain. Just in gratitude of water and negative ions.
NIL carborendum et bastardoes
Never let the bastards grind you down.
Unfuck yourself from the Fuckwits and become unfuckwithable but don't ever become them. Rise above their greed/ignorance/hatred and let your own heart shine.
(posting my advice/support I gave to a friend). Borrowed her meme.
Ps glad I am no longer living this nightmare. I have removed any toxic people from my life. Too old, too sick, too tired to be immersed in bullshit.
Watching Penny Dreadful Season 2 on Stan. Craving Ice cream. Mmmm.
Hot in the house as the gods gather strength to discharge their wrath upon the sunbaked cesspool. But I welcome the break in the heat and my thirsty garden craves the sweet elixir of electrical charged water.
The humidity is expanding as the storm comes closer. I will need a shower as sweat is pouring down my neck. Yuck! Time to get out of my sodden clothes and refresh.
Headache even though I took codiene 2 hours ago. Guess I need to just try to sleep it off.
Well, that was an ordeal! Stage one of root canal work done. I was crying and shaking then had a fight post-surgery with call centre woman for Metro Oral Health hub as she claimed she couldn't guarantee that the QE2 dentist would complete the work as "It is very expensive". (I was making an appointment for stage 2 and stage 3 root canal treatment in one month's time).
I said I would write to my member of parliament then as you can't leave people with only half-treated teeth. She then said I misunderstood. Mind you I was literally sitting in my car, outside the chemist straight from surgery with my new script for antibiotics and my mouth was still numb and swollen so my speech was slurred. So these people think they can mess me around when I am vulnerable? Far out.
Now home, resting and hoping the ear pain goes away now that the tooth has been excavated and divested of its nerve and dreading the fact that yet another tooth is painful on right hand side. Bloody hell! I have been put through the mincer by fate and dentistry this past year and even now.
Update 2020: Three horrendous summers with epic tooth pain. Glad that finally settled down. I came close to jumping in front of a train as the pain was so intensely grueling.
Just one of thousands of horrors I have survived. Grateful for slightly better health, for my garden, my pets, and my lovely friends.
Been to dentist. Going back at midday for extirpation (pulling out nerve in affected tooth). Another tooth bites the dust. He said I should not have used the oral thrush medicine and to stop it. (Why? I had terrible nerve pain in all my teeth and a white tongue. But it is better now). He said to go back to dr about the ear as the medication she gave me is clearly not working.
He told me I have dry mouth and to spritz my mouth with bicarbonate of soda each night (to neutralise the acid). He researched side effects of homocysteinaemia and he said it causes bone loss and lack of bone regeneration so would have caused all my teeth to break down. So now he sent me home to take a Berocca before he begins root canal work on the tooth with the dying nerve.
I got in my car and started to cry. Endless pain with my teeth and it is like riding a hamster wheel trying to heal all the issues one after another after another. I don't want any more teeth extracted as the dry sockets I get each time cause months of pain.
Ultimately I already know I am going to end up with dentures after spending thousands on dying teeth. I just want to get off this hamster wheel of a life. Going nowhere but into further chronic pain.
Maybe after this nerve is removed in this tooth my mouth will settle down. One more try. At least the dry socket is healing well. One battle down. Next!
1.05 am. Woke up with excruciating pain in another tooth. So will be ringing Qe 2 dentist tomorrow. This tooth has been killing me since yesterday morning. Every time I put ear drops in my ear it felt like tiny razor blades were slashing at several teeth.
I think this one on the top left of my jaw has abscessed. So between the pain from the ear, then oral thrush then all day yesterday and now the middle of the night with this tooth (a new development) I am really struggling.
I have taken 2 more codeine and drank some water and now back in bed feeling hammered by fate. The dentist doesn't open until 7.30 am so I will set my alarm.
I am terrified they will need to pull this tooth and I will get yet another dry socket. But I can't risk more infection and even worse pain. Not that it can get much worse.
20 January 2016
I love my dog. My cats. My birds. My fish. My friends. My life.
Lightning Ridge is gonna happen! I just need to fine-tune with Jarrod when we want to go. Annette has offered to take a week off work and look after my animals. She needs a month's notice. Omg. So awesome!
Hopefully March or April as I don't do extreme heat or extreme cold. I will be camping in Crystal's 6 person tent. That is how keen for a holiday I am. I hate camping. Lmao! But I might find a decent opal?! Psychedelic Dreamer loves to dream opulently. Opal opulence would be exciting!
Update 2022: it never happened. One day!
I was so hot last night that, combined with menopause, I had chills from the waist down as the fan was on and I was cold, but a furnace from the waist up. I spent the entire night throwing my doona off, then freezing so pulling my top sheet over me, then boiling so kicking it off. It was insane.
At one point my arse was so cold and the next I was on fire. I think I need to increase my HRT. How many years must I suffer through menopause? I haven't had a uterus since 30 October 2007. I know my ovaries are probably fried too. How long will this hormonal shit go on? Until I die??? Can't my body just age gracefully like other women? Why does it have to fight to the bitter end?
Heavens to Mergatroyd, it is hot! My Dr agreed I am flat. Thinks the trip to Lightning Ridge is a good idea in March or April. He agrees I need to see more of Australia.
Beauregard was the perfect gentleman for him and gave him lots of kisses. We had a smoothie after in the café downstairs and the young daughter of my dr's receptionist got to cuddle Bobo and we sat and chatted amicably about all our pets.
Nice little girl named Sophie. She is starting Grade 7 this year. She said she easily bonds with babies and animals. I told her she must be a very good kind person then, and spiritual too. She smiled with happiness.
Bobo hates the car and was upset the whole drive but not as bad when we went home as I explained we were going home to Socks and Sophie and Mushu and Penny. He settled down a bit then.
He loved meeting all the people at the gym and dr's clinic. It was very cute. One woman whose pet bird had just died and was very upset, said Beau had cheered her up for the day. Lovely.
Then I came home to a wonderful surprise from Sally Castle. What a nice day!
Thank you, Sally for the care package! Mangoes, blueberries, cherries, avocado, tim tams, Ferrari rocher, oh my. Grapes, tomatoes, and my favourite NZ Watties baked beans and spaghetti! Gorgeous bread too. You spoil me! I got home just in time too :-).
I had a good sleep. Woke at 7 am, took Bobo outside for a pee. Left him outside to play and slept until 1 pm. Woot.
Now getting ready for my debrief with my worthy Psychiatrist. Always a pleasure. (Except when he tells me I am Endstage. That shit scares me, even though I know I am really unwell now. I still think I have a few adventures up my sleeve before I die!) Denial is not just a long river on the African continent.
I still want to go to Lightning Ridge and fossick for opals. Broome to see the pearl divers. Anywhere, to say I have lived and travelled, instead of slowly dying and going mad in Brisbania.
I think I should pack up Crystal's tent, take my Beauregard, get a claim license and just go to Lightning Ridge. When it cools down a bit and I have enough money for petrol and camping fees. Hmmm! Maybe I should just fuck off and never come back.
I am attempting to sell the Lladro on eBay so maybe my decluttering will finally bear some results. I think I should sell everything and just go live life. But my pussies and hens and goldfish need me. Surely I can find someone to house-sit for a week? I shall see.
12.18 am. I got up some energy tonight. Burnt all the dead wood and branches and rotten outdoor furniture in my brazier. It took a few hours but my garden is clear of rotten wood and crap. I have just had a nice shower to wash off all the soot and ash.
I was nice to my neighbour Warren and asked if he minded as I had so much stuff collected up. He agreed it was ok. I know my fires worry him as I used to do them every full moon. I hadn't had a fire here for about 6 months after I had a fight with him. It is such a relief to get rid of all the detritus.
I compost or worm farm everything else but dead tree branches need to be burned or removed. I feel like a weight is lifted off my shoulders after I burn off all the dead wood. Phew!
It was a perfect night for it as there was not a breath of wind.
20 January 2015
Hmmm interesting times. Been stalked by phone by another so-called woman friend from the casino scene. Another fake Obsessive feeding off my life story like a sallow shallow Vamp. Blocked and Deleted. Next???
Gail and Christina made the most beautiful Organic Chocolate Body Butter. I am lathered in it and omg I smell good enough to eat. It's made with real organic cacao. So I am sitting with Gail, sipping wine, chewing the fat of life, while smeared in luxurious chocolatey moisturising body butter.
This is Living! Woohoo!
2.42 am the night is magical and cool and damp after the rain! Hallelujah!
If I didn't have an appointment with my GP tomorrow, I would pull another all-nighter. Bliss out Babies!
20 January 2014
I dug out some baby Heliconias and potted them in the bathtub so they can grow a bit more before I give them to Sarah and Lyn and Jarrod. Problem is I am not sure which they are lol.
"If you can't be loved, be admired...if you can't be admired, you need to be feared. If you can't be feared, then be Hated" "Roll like Rolo" "Never MESS with the Obstinate" Rolo aka Clive Standen, from The Vikings. Roll over and play dead, Pussies. Tanya.
Soo hot. Wish I had money to go to Byron Bay or even North Stradbroke Island to lounge in the sea and breathe salt air and just Be in my Zone.
Wish I have money...and a gorgeous loving man to share my life with...and a swimming pool. Wish Miss Bella was still alive but that is impossible so wish I had another Pomeranian puppy.
Wish my courage and wildness and inner beauty didn't scare away men so much but on the other hand I deserve a Man who gets me and appreciates me and knows how to behave around me.
I was watching this new acquaintance try to play me (right in front of his beautiful gf). I thought he was just teasing and trying to humour the older woman (which was amusing but kind of patronizing at the same time) then later I realised he was seriously thinking I would take him up on his 'offer'. I just felt kind of disgusted.
Like a man who so carelessly disrespects his woman is going to be a prize in my eyes. Just desperate and low. I really liked him too, but that kind of egoic emotionally toxic game is not for me.
I feel sad for his gf. Everyone thinks they are so in love but she is trying to get beautiful women for a 3-some and he is flirting with women who are wayyy out of his league and on to him.
Yup, The Tanya attracted another psychopath. It's very depressing but intriguing. How do I do it? All I do is show Up LMAO.
Update 2020: Haha. Nothing much changes in my world. I don’t remember who that creep even was now. Glad I had my wits about me.
There's no aphrodisiac like $146 million...the love of my life only he doesn't know it yet...Mr Travis Fimmel....yum fuck yum. Just to think he used to be an ordinary Aussie Farmboy. Very inspiring!
Finally finished watering. Now bitten alive. I was a Veritable moving feast. I had to spray myself with Vinegar to stop the epic itchiness and am covered with welts. Dumbarse! When will I learn to use insect repellent? Oh well.
Went to bed to ride out the heat of the day. Now up and ready to party. I will water the garden :-)
20 January 2011
My lawyer wrote an awesome letter to the Scherer Shiksa so I'm looking forward to some speedy results in the next 14 days. Nice to see my huge legal fees being put to good use at last.
20 January 2010
My gorgeous Auntie Sylvia…greatly missed:
TANYA,DONT MAKE A HABIT WITH THAT RED STUFF,IT WILL BLOCK OUT YOUR INTELLIGENCE,IT AINT WORTH IT.DONT LOOK TO MY SON FOR SYMPHATHY,HE WOULD PROBABLY SAY YOU AND I ARE NUTS,ANYWAY,WE KNOW WHERE WE ARE COMING FROM,EH?BUCK UP,TOMORROW,THE SUN WILL SHINE FOR YOU.LOTS OF LOVE AND GOOD WISHES.SYLVIA X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X
Me: Lol Sylvia, I only drink heavily over the holidays, every year about Chanukah/Christmas time I drink too much then go teetotall for the rest of the year. Not sure what that is about, might be old programming from my weird parents. LOL
As for losing my intelligence, well Childbirth seriously dumbed me down 24 years ago and I was never able to regain my IQ (of course I also spent 12 years of my freshest brightest youth with a Pot Plant named Micheal so that didn't help either).
I admit to be seriously nutty but I don't suffer from Insanity, I thoroughly Enjoy Every Minute of it. So if we understand each other, I reckon we are doing great!
Had a lovely day at Byron bay beach today, so you were right about the sun shining for me today. I love your blessings, they really work! lots of love and hugs and kisses to you Sylvia!
I had a fabulous time in my Zen Place, Byron Bay. Bella enjoyed playing Chase on the beach but was seriously not impressed by all the waves rolling in or the undertow.
I took her in, but she really was quite terrified and spent most of the time fretting on dry sand further from the sea, watching Courtenay and I and hoping we didn't drown. She is dog-tired tonight ...all that sea air and sunshine.
Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons
About the Creator
I write about my life experiences. I write about complex ptsd, the agonies, the angst and my post traumatic growth. About Beauty, Truth and Honour and little vignettes of comfort from the spirits that love me: living and dead. I also Dance!
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