Memories: 20 December 2023

20 December 2023

Another beautiful but intensely hot day.

20 December 2022

Happy Third Candle of Chanukah. I have had a lovely day (second day of Chanukah) peaceful but still very tired. I had two visits from Peter with little Koko.

I sense the Chanukah miracles forming thick and fast. Each day bringing new blessings. Grateful happy woman here.

Happy birthday in heaven to Hilda Arons who was born on the third candle of Chanukah in 1913 and died on 10 August 1988. I pray she has found peace in the intervening decades since her passing.

In the words of ho’oponono “I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you”.

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The last few days I keep hearing a message from Great Spirit: Go where you are celebrated. I don’t know who this is for so I am posting it anyway.

I rarely spend time with people who are cruel or sadistic or alienating now. I learned from many varied bitter and sometimes dangerous experiences not to waste time on idiots. Of course it was hard to discern at times as sociopaths can be very seductive in the early stages of the friendship or relationship or even business connection.

And by “celebrated” they don’t mean expect to be treated like a celebrity or glitterati. But be welcomed and respected and spend time with people who genuinely enjoy your company. Who are there for you through thick and thin.

So there is my message. I hope it inspires someone who is feeling isolated at this time of the year. Be open to the multiverses. Go out into the world with a song in your heart and switch on your personal Soul signature and allow good people to See you and be drawn to you. They are out there, probably feeling a bit lost and isolated in these crazy times too.

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I just had a lovely video call with Annie (Mermaid from Paltalk). She got to meet Charley and Beauregard (who growled at her as he hates the iPhone!) and also Koko and her dad, Pete who were walking by while we were chatting.

She also got meet the resident eastern water dragon who is a lovely big lizard. It’s -4 in Wales right now so she delighted in the sunshine in my garden.

Charley even said “Hello!”. It was wonderful!

20 December 2021

4:26 am haven’t slept except for short dozes. Rock and roll, babies! I guess I am making up for the most somnulant three decades of my life.

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My account has been restricted for 90 days. It was not false information. This is so wrong!

Jan Attridge: Happened to me, I fought it and I'm back on

Me: Jan Attridge I could not find where to appeal it. On the one about Antartica which even in their “fact checking” they admitted at least one “world leader” went to Antartica and even included photos. Lmao!

It’s a giant piss take.

Time I went completely off-grid.

This is getting insane!

It was not a lie I posted about the helicopters. My friend eyewitnessed them flying south for two days!

I am furious about being called a liar!

Anyway Merry Christmas to all my Facebook friends. I love you all. Stay safe and choose life, freedom and joy!

20 December 2020

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20 December 2019

Today I released some wonderful German books that I had hoarded for years. I gifted them to a friend whose mother is German. I think she will enjoy reading them 🙂.

I am going to go through my bookshelf and donate some of my frum jewish books to one of the shules.

My house is decluttering itself of past associations. It feels good to hit the reset button!

One of the books was “Gone with the wind”. I told my friend that “frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn” would pack quite a punch in German. We had to laugh.

Another was Desiree. My Auntie Lotte wanted me to read about the woman I was named for.

But I never got around to it and I am delighted that these beautiful books are going to a native reader.

…

I had my debrief. My doctor told me that I had every right to be angry with my lawnmower man’s sexual suggestion. But that the other “offer” was intelligent and respectful and testing me out. Hmmm.

He also told me that most men are simply horny all the damn time and will continuously push the envelope. I smiled wryly and said “It must be quite a burden, all that testosterone and sex drive!” My doctor said “oh it is, it truly is!”

I thought about it for a moment. Then said “well I feel like a Bunny on a greyhound track, flying free and wild and giving the finger to my assorted “suitors!”

Also I don’t want to be last in any man’s harem or anymore abusive sexual encounters where I was just used then dumped for the next conquest. It’s why I gave up on sex completely! Sex does not equal LOVE. Even in my family of origin I was made to feel used, betrayed, tainted.

Nup. I have kept myself asexual for 5 years now. Might as well just keep going. I am waiting for the One that is truly madly deeply in love with me and makes me his only one.

But in the meantime I will continue to enjoy my platonic friendships. They are deeply precious.

(From the comment section:)

Morris:

Lol. What he said is true about most of the men.🤭🤭🤭🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Me: FRANKLY My dear, I am Damned if I do, and Damned if I don’t, so when in doubt I will be Doing No one and No Thing! Lmao.

Between a rock and a very hard place.

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What would “Auntie” Erica the Dutch-German dominatrix do?

She used to come to our house every Christmas Eve, saturated with loneliness and Heimweh, spurned and scorned by her family because of her “profession”.

Even for several years after we migrated to Brisbane she would ring my mother up, drunk, distraught and desolate.

She paid a very high price for her financial and sexual freedom.

My sister spat at her in the street. That filthy paedophile-enabling hypocrite.

Poor Erica. Who wanted to teach me her trade so I would never be poor or suffer at the hands of men.

But no..I chose respectability and societal systemic abuse and tied my Pussy up with a bow and went all celibate and asexual, pristine and high minded.

For what?????

For endless poverty and the capricious abuse of all former lovers/suitors and even...for fucks sake...my lawnmower man. Jesus!!!!

Tears hair. It’s gonna be the best Christmas ever!!! Laughing my arse off!

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“Kug mal, Schatzi...Alles das nicht Fest ist!”

(Translation: Look here Sweetie…all that’s not tied down.)

Un....ravelling.....

Keine Ahnung....SPIRIT. Heilige Geist! I got this!!!

(Translation: no worries..spirit. Holy Ghost… I got this!)

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Dite moi, pour quoi la vie est belle. Parce que peut etre...Vous m’aimez?!

En principe...mais oui, bien sur. Tous l’amour. Aujourdhui, Dans la nuit, egalite, fraternite, LIBERTEE!

…(Translation: tell me, why is life beautiful? Because perhaps…you love me?

In principle…but yes, of course. All the love. Today, in the night, equality, fraternity, Freedom!)…

Oh there I go again. Choosing L’ Chaim and Freedom.

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Chanukah on Sunday night. I need to haul my glorious Bauern Tochas (peasant backside) to the shops to buy candles and actual food.

Gahhhhhh

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Ma petite Désirée, je suis desolée. Ton vie et moins de Rosée.

…(Translation: my little Désirée, I am sorry. Your life is less than rosy.) …

But love will find its way.

J’espere! (I hope!)

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Insert Witches cackle here! Mine! Not really unravelling...just trying to work out where I am at ce soir! (..this evening)

Time to take my truest Beau en regard (en guard!!!) for a promenade .

Plus ça change plus c’est la meme chose!

Translation: (the more things change the more they stay the same)

I must admit two interesting offers for Christmas Day is a huge shift. Never had that before!

The times are a-changing!

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“Ehrlich gesagt, meine Liebe, ist mir egal”.

Translation: (“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn”).

But it is not true. In my case. I do give a damn. Damned One, broken and rebuilt by Fate. Occasionally horny (shhhh. Only occasionally!). Wary. Gunshy, hacked on der kop. (Browbeaten)

Jarrod reminded me that I freak out every time I meet someone who seems keen.

It’s true. It’s not fair on anyone. My cptsd. My warrior goddess...thrashing like a conger eel in a boat. It’s how I survived. Occasionally thrived. Jive turkeyed my hide.

Even for 3O years dimmed my light in my Zombified state!

But I am back in my own body now. Reintegrated. Driving my own Chariot of the gods. Flirting with possibilities of real heart connections and soulful sexual unions based on Trust, a bit of humour and a lot of fun, affection and mutual admiration and respect.

But I keep fucking up. Slip sliding away. Melting like mercury on a hot day. Scaramouching my fandango like a trans-locating Cheshire Cat.

Tap tap tap. Anyone home?! Yeah. I am here. I am always right here. Even when I disassociate I leave a little silver cord to bring myself back to ground zero point reality in the field of consciousness in the eternal now.

Silly old chook. Only the gods can truly love her. Have her back. “She who would not be Tamed....”

Un bisou. Kiss kiss kiss kiss hold me precious. Weirdest little trickster broke her spirit but she rides again. Have no fear. I am Here.

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I have memories of my former Dutch boss Suzy Van Der Kwast. She is sitting, studying me as she used to do in her break. She loved me in her weird way. Recognised another Survivor. But she could be irascible and cruel too.

But she never let anyone fuck with me. 15 years old when I started working for her. Right in the middle of my school certificate exams. (Gisela’s sabotage!!!)

Oh god I remember when they tried to hook me up with Phillip Hoedemaeckers. I turned up in full blazing femme fatale glory (my best Rebellion you see!). 16 years old. He was 19. Suzy was trying to palm him off on me as more “age appropriate”. But I was intelligent. I smelled a rat. I had grown up with his family 5 doors down from ours.

So I arrived for our $20 lunch date (bride price paid by Gisela, the queen of Pimping....Jesus!). I wore my Royal Blue velvet suit. Pencil skirt with buttons on the split at the back. Matching jacket. Double velvet.

I looked like a 40 year old Madam. Missed my calling....again.

Phillip took one look and gasped. I looked exquisite. Like a queen. Like an Angel. I loved that suit. The best quality velvet I could buy with my meagre earnings that our friend Nanette made for me in her clothing factory. (She too groomed me and enabled me to dress wayyy above my young adolescent still-pimply age!). Wtf?!

Phillip dressed like a typical 19 year old. I rolled my eyes.

We went for lunch at Perrots Corner. It was awkward. Uncomfortable. Halfway through I asked him how much my mother paid him to take me out on a date. Rolled my adolescent cynical worldly-wise paid-for eyessss. He demurred. Tried to deny it.

But I had him on a plate. “C’mon Phil, exactly how much are those weird cunts paying you to make me look like a real woman deserving of a real date!” “20 bucks!” “Jesus, this better be good food. Let’s eat”

Many years later Gisela tried to pay Jarrod $20 “to look after me!!” He was distressed. I said “forget about it. But not nice to see my value has not gone up with fucking inflation!” I was 30. Newly separated.

I will not be owned or bought. Fuck that shit.

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The time Suzy deliberately stared at Graham Denich’s crotch when he arrived to pick me up from work (I had already left!) was classic. He was so embarrassed. Karma for all the times he tried to run his hands over my prepubescent body when I was 12, 13, 14. Competing with Trevor. Vile. All of it.

No wonder my interpersonal “love” affairs are so fucked up.

I loved Suzy for that one womanly show of strength and support.

“And who are you and vat do you vant with Tanya?!”

My Suzy. My boss. My champion.

Rest In Peace, Woman. One of my rare heroines during my childhood.

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Eene kopje koffe, astublieft?!

Translation: (A cup of coffee, please?!”

Don’t mind if I do. Gonna make a nice iced one right now, shvitsing in the summer heat, and raise my glass to you Suzy and to Erika. And all my other brave and beautiful Wild Mothers.

Love you soooo much. I am gonna make you proud of me some day. You will see! I will not be the Universal Schmuck forever. Reclaiming my power and letting go of trauma and hell, making love to the Void in my own demagogic Fire.

Come on up and See me sometime...

#consent. 😉

Love is the law. I am waiting patiently for my turn.

…

Well that was interesting piece of channeling. Next!

...

Lovers flying to me. Fighting for me. Holding me. Cherishing me.

What the fuck? That has never happened before.

I must adjust to my new reality. Worthy of a true and deep abiding love.

Believe in it. Manifest it. Let it unfold beautifully and let it endure. With harm to none. By choice by heart, by Soul.

I am so in love with this Little Girl. Swirling her colours and flowing into the multiverses.

Skip jump and hop. Flip flop and pop.

🙂

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20 December 2018.

3:27 am another night of insomnia. No idea what is going on with me.

Bregje Tit: Full Moon coming up.... I have it too....

Julie Goddard: Full moon coming but energy has been pretty loud since last night..

7.4 in Russia overnight

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3 hours deep sleep from7 am to 10. Exhausted but better than nothing.

It’s a gorgeous morning and my niece is sending the couch over so I will have to start moving my old one out to make room for the new one. Busy day!

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(See file photo): I just found this feather on my kitchen floor. It is not from Charlie. I love the purple iridescent top right quarter. A gift from one of the wood pigeons or a sign from the angels? Cute, huh?!

📸 Watch this video on Facebook https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid0xUw2U29jxvScewY7ferpUr42CtJ9LcA8GEWy4cypLdCZS4TeyrKSM9i2WvFnVj49l&id=1340840204&mibextid=v7YzmG

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My spare glasses are untintable so now I have to pay for proper prescription ones. Grrr!

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30 years a Zombie. Death like repose. Now I am tired for a good reason. Embracing life fully. Dancing. And today, hurt my neck etc from moving my mother’s old couch out, by myself. But after a week of insomnia I think I may sleep well tonight.

Peace has come to me but it took almost 9 years after Gisela’s death to achieve it.

New (secondhand) couch gifted to me by my niece and nephew reminds me of Harry Arons’s lazy-boy chair. So I am cognisant that I am coming full circle. Ready to start life fresh. Spiraling Fibonacci fractal reminders, like my profile picture from 40 years ago, when I was 13 looking so similar to Hilda Arons photo of her sitting on the grass in her garden. (Aged about 18).

Peace and happiness are mine... now.

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I just moved one of the corner modules of the old couch out of the house. It nearly killed me. Lathered in sweat and breathless. I still have to somehow bring the new one into the house.

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Well, I got everything done. Omg. Intense. The heavy lifting upset my gut so that was not pleasant. But it’s done. I can rest and relax now.

20 December 2017

I have had a lovely (and spiritually intense Chanukah). Just wow!

Tonight I feel happy, supported and loved. Also sandy and gritty as I still have to have a shower and wash the salt and sand off my body.

Thank you to Jenny for taking me to Byron and to the Universe for spiritual Gifts of purging, cleansing and resurging! Onwards and upwards! To infinity and beyond.

20 December 2016

Still suffering from tooth pain. 5 days after treatment. Not cool! Heat getting to me also.

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Extreme tooth pain. Appointment on Friday. Hope I can hold on until then.

Julie Goddard: you may need to just show up at 7am tomorrow

Me: Going back to private dentist. But possibly just another psychopath. I have little faith in any medical/dental professionals at this stage. But that is just pain talking.

Kelly Anne: Not again... you poor thing! 😞

Louise Winton: Oh Tanya that's so awful for you. XXXXX

Me: Swishing with Listerine and leaving it to soak in my mouth for 20 Minutes seems to dull the pain. (As per dentist's orders). But yeah will Still go back on Friday arvo if pain does not settle.

Meanwhile other kinds of pains which are just as devastating were instilled last night. But dealt with that. Every nasty bastard that tries to attack me for doing the right thing has/will be removed from my sphere of existence.

Efrain Pardo: get better..

Me: thanks Efrain x

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The Intergalactic wave from the cosmos recorded today brought a foul stink of fetid wounds to the fore. Interesting. Evil tries to insert itself and permeate my life but I still Stand up and say No.

Why G-d brings me these cruel and incomprehensible lessons over and over again I have no idea. But I have a say in who I keep in my life. Abusers and their cowardly henchmen are not welcome. Either in real World or online. My safety and sanity is worth more than that.

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"Where do you go to, my lovely, when you're alone in your bed? Do you carry the thoughts that surround you? I want to look inside your head!"

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Can anyone still on my friend's list who protects and endorses the reputations of rabbis or others, who protect and endorse or actively enable child sexual abusers, unfriend me? I want nothing to do with people like that. Doing nothing, or supporting abuse is a perversion of its own kind.

I will NOT be silenced. Or demonised for fighting for the rights and safety of children.

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I am done supporting survivors of CSA on FB who demonise me and silence me for speaking out. My work here is done. Everybody look busy while the kiddie fuckers keep getting free rein. Sickening.

Kelly Anne: Agree. Wanted to join a protest in Perth & I organised to meet up with the group leaders but I got really sick & try as I might, I couldn't even stay out of bed for 10mins at a time that day. 😞 I was really upset I couldn't make it.

Me: Well bottom line as survivors our health comes first. I give too much and constantly get debased for it so Fuck that evil perverted shit.

….

20 December 2015

My beautiful Beauregard let me sleep. I woke up on my own volition at 8.30 am. He had been out of his crate, had pooped on his puppy pad in the hall and front lounge. Probably peed on the rug but I don't care. I will buy carpet cleaner on payday and wash it outside.

He seemed to understand I was utterly exhausted. I heard him eating and drinking in the early hours of the morning. Then fell asleep again, knowing he had food and drink.

I was too tired to go dancing last night.

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9.34 am just woke up. I slept from 4 pm yesterday. I got so tired I couldn't read or see straight. Sleep apnoea takes its toll.

So now I am awake and will see what the day brings.

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NOT kissing Bobo today. He has discovered Pussy Pez. I had to prise it from his jaws. Disgusting. Lmao!

Now the perpetual fight to keep him out of the cat litter tray begins! He has been here 2 weeks and only just discovered it. Ugh!

20 December 2014

8.17 am. I got woken up by Mushu who needed to pee and was hungry. So I raced him into the kitchen, let him do his thing. Fed Socks, Penny and Sophie as well.

I only had 3 hours sleep. My left shoulder is still very sore. So back to bed, I go!

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1.15 pm. Just woke up. Little Mushu slept on the couch today. I went to bed at 4 am but he woke me up at 7.30am. So I fed him and the other cats, let the chooks out to forage and went back to sleep.

Just now, when I crawled out of bed, I found Penny and Mushu "kissing" (touching noses!). She is accepting him better than Socks and Sophie who are both seriously pissed off pussies. I guess Penny is used to other animals coming and going lol.

I didn't go out last night. No money and not in a good headspace to take the risk of going out and drinking water all night. I don't like being vulnerable on that dancefloor. Without money to buy at least one drink, I feel disempowered.

I will see how I feel later tonight. It's hard to be caged in all weekend. Wild things need to go wild!

Yesterday I had a fight with my neighbour as he constantly judges me and nitpicks at everything in my garden, ie my fishpond, my fire-making, my cats, my chooks.

So I told him that I am not going anywhere, I love my house and if he has a problem living next door to me in peace and harmony he has the resources to move to a more elitist area (like the rich snobby nasty prick banker before him) where he doesn't have to live next to poverty so he can piss off!

I said, I like living in harmony so he can mind his own business and stay on his side of his fence and keep his negativity over there. I said I have been bullied by men all my life and I will be damned if I let him get away with it too.

I live alone, bother noone, no loud music and no loud parties, there is no violence. I am a bloody perfect neighbor. Hell, they rarely see me as I am awake most nights.

I feel like I am constantly having to stand my ground or go to war on some miscreant. It's exhausting! I am over it.

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6.28 pm just woke up from a long nap. Mushu slept right beside me, snuggled up to my chest. Penny near my feet. Then Sophie joined me at my left side. She headbutted my hand for a pat then went and crunched on her biscuits.

Penny both licks and takes swipes at the kitten but overall has decided to accept her into the family. He's a bolshey little Charmer. Who can resist?!

Even Socks who is thoroughly disgusted by a baby in the house only growls and walks away. None of them have actually tried to kill the little fella. He's rather hilarious when he assumes his attack/defense stance, hackles up, tail straight and feet ready to "fly". Big attitude for someone who fits in my hand.

He's smart too. He already knows his name or responds to my voice. Right now he is stalking Elvira in the garden. She is huge compared to him. He is fascinated!

20 December 2013

I came with nothing and I'll leave with nothing, but I dearly hope that in this life, just once I have meant something to someone somewhere on more than a superficial use/abuse/disabuse manner.

I hope I haven't lived to just be something of "Vicarious Indulgence", to be toyed with like a mouse at the mercy of a very evil hungry lascivious cat.

At this moment, I can see that hope is rather moot. The Truth is evident. I don't like it, not at all. Such is life, a journey to the end, and only one in whom I can truly trust.

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I have decided to go out tonight, as Crystal wants to borrow my car and in return is giving me $20 so that will buy me 2 drinks. Yayy! I need to be out in the world after a heavy emotional week. Should be fun.

I spent the arvo in the garden, still picking up stones, and filling holes in the lawn with them. I also gathered all the soot from the fire I made the other day and threw it on the compost heap. My garden is looking wonderful. I still have to concentrate on getting the housework done. It'll happen I guess. Eventually. LOL.

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Another shitty Holiday season. Grrr!

Oh well, no scorched almonds but I got some fried macadamia nuts...and coconut pie. Already over the pie. (Had too much!)

Staying home this weekend to regroup and re-energise. Safer that way.

20 December 2012

Slept all day but I still feel groggy. I have no money or Gas to go for a long drive. Can't afford ten bucks for possible Archery practice on sat, nor for a drink sat night for casino dancing.

No money for more meds and broke until Tues. I will ask the chemist if they can help me and let me pay them back on Tuesday. It’s too dangerous to miss out on meds for Sat, Sun, Mon.

I swallowed my pride and asked my daughter to lend me $20 and copped abuse and was told to budget! I am shattered that my kids are just as wicked as my mother!

I gave them a huge amount of money so they can punish me when I am broke again! What the Fuck!!!!?

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Thanks Annette for your Love and help! You are an Angel! Hugs!

20 December 2011

Thank you to the beautiful person who lent me money for the Vet Bill. You are awesome!

A lovely woman rescued Penny in dog cage, Bella and myself from the side of the road and gave us a lift to the Vet. I was 3/4 there but I was very grateful she gave us a ride!

That dog cage with a cat in it weighs 9 kilos and it was a long walk to carry her! Phew! I am happy to report she is now on antibiotics and a wet diet so she will recover well I hope!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons