Memories: 17 December 2023

17 December 2023

Another scathing hot day. I have taken a shower. West End drumming circle is on this arvo. If the storms don’t force a cancellation.

17 December 2022

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10:05 am awake after only 5 hours sleep. Dressed and ready to face the day. I am sitting in the garden scenting the fragrance of my neighbour Timsa’s curry and other spices. Yum. I could eat a whole curry right now. But instead I am eating grapes and had a few squares of chocolate. I need the sugar hit.

Last night was pure magic. I had spent a few hours scanning the crowd in expectation that someone I used to know and love might show up. Odd. I haven’t looked for that monstrousity of feckless vapidity and mediocrity in years. But Mama T knew there was someone or something coming.

I could almost sniff the air like my wild wolf guardian spirit. Then almost as compensation for that stale old heartache…psy sighs…the Multiverse sent me several young wild virile exciting men to cavort with. Oh, how we cavorted! The performance of defiance, art, life force and barely contained sexuality.

It did my heart good to be so silly and wild and carefree. It was pure magick. I have missed that kind of magick that happens on the dance floor when I have pushed my stilettoed feet and short fat hobbit body past the pain barometer and together we fly! My old bones and arthritic joints and my steely will to thrive and jive turkey my hide.

My wild Dance partner “Ben number 1” had the most delicious smelling drink. It smelled like strawberries. An antidote for the permeating reek of body odour that was leaching out on the floor. Why people don’t wear deodorant when they go dancing just beggars belief. I am so sensitive to bad smells.

Anyway Ben offered me a sip of his drink. I was sorely tempted but I politely declined. I said I can’t risk getting sick. He said he’s had Covid twice but is all right now. I nodded but still demurred.

I said that I don’t kiss anyone (meaning French kissing). Haven’t for years. He says I really should. I said “Ah it’s too risky and kinda gross!” I reserve my passions for The One who has not manifested in my life. Bejaysus.

I told him he’s dancing with my ghost as I have left my body. I am so exhausted. I also told him he’s dancing with a bitter old celibate woman. But to be fair I am not that bitter. (Sniggers!)

I asked him where he’s been all my life? I need a male dance partner that can keep up with me! Ben, the dear, showed me his diamond tattoo on his wedding finger. Married with two kids.

I said “Oh I must have known you are unavailable. I only go for wild unavailable men! My psychiatrist will have a field day when I tell him I have still not broken through that pattern!” We both laughed.

I reined in my sensual energy a fair bit because it was not going to be expended on bubkes or boys but the boy and I soon settled back into our level of joy and wildness and it was as comfortable and convivial as slipping on a well fitted glove. He was delightful. A soulmate.

Anyway another young man appeared in front of me begging me to fan him (it was scathing hot in the Livewire bar last night…too fucking hot). I have complained frequently over the last 12 years that we need air conditioning on the floor…but we are disregarded like fetid cattle so everyone, but everyone including several men begged for my fan and to be a bit kind and accommodating I actually fanned a few people who I could see were struggling!

So this young man says “Please fan me, I am so hot because I am on drugs!” I looked at him in momentary shock. Motioned him to stand alongside me. Fanned him.

“You gotta get off the drugs, man” I said. “Get therapy for the underlining trauma. Get clean and clear. Only then will life get better”. He smiled “But I enjoy the drugs…”

I said “I hear ya. I need good old fashioned bush for my fucking trauma issues and anxiety! But can I get it… no… it’s cuntish is what it is!” Smiled dolorously.

He says “Are you gonna drive all the way to the Gold Coast to get some from me?” I smiled “Alas no. Too much hassle”.

He was a sweetheart. Gave me a little peck on the lips like a son to a mother. Thanked me. Said I had probably changed his life in this moment! I replied with a cadence of bitterness and the excruciatingly exhaustive wisdom of the crone “If only…”

I am so glad, so very glad that I clawed myself back to full effervescent life. That I am not on those ghastly putrid zombie making psych meds and that I am also not an alcoholic or a drug addict. My love and chocolate addiction was quite enough to almost kill me as it was!

Oh and later a dancer came by and I inhaled deeply. “Ahh there it is…I smell ganja…maybe I am hallucinating!” My new wild friend Ben says “No you’re not, I smell it too!”

I studied the woman I suspected had just partaken of that soothing nectar of the gods. Somehow I didn’t feel like asking her if she had any spare. It didn’t feel “appropriate” lmao.

I was already on a high anyway. My fifth wind. The kill switch. Oh behave…I thought. And kept dancing!

The dj ended and Ben told me he didn’t know where he was going tonight as his friend had left early. A hint of a sexual predator for me to take him home. I eyeballed him. If he had not been married I might have considered it, as we had had such wonderful fun together.

But alas…no… honour and integrity uber alles! He looked at me a tad sadly. Ships that pass in the night. No harm no foul. Mama T and her longstanding preciously guarded celibate lifestyle reigned supreme…again. If he knew how close he came to being my sexual partner, I think he’d be astonished!

Life is weird. My heart goes on. Love is the law. Riding my Mustang Kwe like a warrior goddess and making better choices because I can. Yayy me!

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4:04 am home from the Treasury Casino. I have just had a scathing hot epsom salt bath as I can’t feel my feet. I wore black suede strappy stilettos which I knew were not going to be good for my feet. I looked fabulous.

Early in the evening I was feeling bored frankly. So bored I considered going home or going to a different venue. But as is often the way, my mood shifted and by the time the band played its last set and then the dj came on I was blessed with lovely male attention (platonic!) both young men were far too young for me but one who was married, danced with me most of the night until the dj finished at 3 am.

He was wild and carefree and a great ham like me and he actually sang well too. We had the most wonderful time together. At one point I was getting exhausted so I adjured him to go dance with the younger women but he said he preferred to dance with me. So off we went again.

I thanked him for being so much fun and dancing with the bitter celibate old woman in the room. He said “It’s all about just having fun!” and I agreed. So much fun when there is no predatory sexualised fucked up agenda.

My friend Jo wants me to come out dancing again tonight but I will probably be in recovery still from last night. OMG. I am in so much pain right now but it was worth it.

Good night, my Beloved Ones. I need to sleep.

17 December 2020

Never forget...and don’t be a Bystander or worse a fucking Enabler. Nazism is on the rise. At least Trump is voted out now but we must continue to be vigilant about the amassing Evil of this epoch.

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I have reached the point where I just want my living room and my life back!

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17 December 2019

Laila Tov! Time to sleep. Love you, even the teasing tricksters that want me naked and sacred. The Tanya is reviewing her situation. 😉

Put the Hunk back into Hanukkah. I know...I know ..it’s a stretch and somebody needs a good whack with a rhythm stick but that won’t be me. I will leave that to the experts and my voracious gods lmao!

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I hate Police for many personal reasons. But everyone who works (at whatever job!) deserves to be paid fairly for their time and efforts. Maybe if they were paid properly they might actually serve and protect the vulnerable members of our society more. Like women with their children. But then their sociopathic death cult might not change anyway.

But I was raised by my own sociopath who ironically fiercely defended the trade unions. Hmmm. No justice for this little one but pay up or ship out!

17 December 2017

If I could have one gift this Chanukah it would be for a great miracle that would overturn my family curse and bring the man I love to me with a full and open heart, with tenderness and respect, with passion and true love.

But alas, this is not going to happen. No amount of wishing/wanting/praying/begging etc is gonna make me be his Bashert. Free will. Truth and decency. Honour and integrity. Facing my own personal Hag that mortified the hearts of mere mortal males as a shellacked full body armoured suit to protect me after decades of abuse.

So here it comes! I will ride out this storm another year. Psychedelic Dreamer surfs the dreams like a professional.

I pray the capricious cruel evil gods (all of them!) stop toying with me now. Please please please make it stop!

I don’t want my life to be like this anymore. I must evolve!

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NES GADOL HAYAH SHAM!

A great miracle happened here!

I must Believe in myself and my ability to regain all that was torn from me and sullied. Every new breath: a new beginning, an act of courage, defiance and faith. In this hologram superficial artificial existence.

I have Loved too much and Lived too long but still I am stuck on this wheel! Voyeurs and psychic vampires, satiated and gloating while I endure on a bed of Roses, floating.

Truth, Beauty and a Picture of you. No aphrodisiac but you must believe when you believe...when angels hear your prayers and prove their existence by a staggering confluence and a bizarre congruence and I am left to ponder my fate. Again!

17 December 2016

Sore feet. Fairly exhausted. I cleaned the windows in my bedroom, lounge and dining area. It took me 4 hours. They were heavy and hard to get back in the window frames. Still have rest of kitchen windows to do. Also the other two bedrooms. Gahh. It's a helluva task.

I got sick of staring at thick crud on my windows. All the dust from the house being raised across the road.

I need a rest before Jenny's party at 5 pm.

17 December 2015

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I would like to learn Parkour. Not sure I would ever be fit enough to leap across tall buildings in a single bound but for some reason I resonate with the idea. Perhaps I wish I could fly.

17 December 2014

Mushu has had a bath! Deflea-ed now, all cosy and dozy. Cute little buggar.

A lovely Chanukah gift from Crystal! :-)

We are thinking of naming him Mushu or Bilbo. He is a Russian Blue. Crystal won't let me name him Boris cos he's Russian!

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30 years ago I had a sliver of ingrown nail removed by my gp. 5 injections and it was very painful post-surgery. Nerve-endings are erratic in toes.

I think I may have to go to dr to have this done again. Not...looking ...forward..to it.

Last night I soaked my feet in epsom salts (magnesium). I will keep trying as I don't want to go to Dr unless it gets worse.

Today, it feels worse. Arrrghhh! Bloody leaping about to music has damaged both my feet.

It was worth it though :-)

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Hot as Hades! Happy hippy mama Chick! I have given the chooks their frozen treats. Put ice bricks on the ponds.

Now watching Socks lying on the wooden floor in front of the fan. He looks happy too.

I have to go to Bunnings to buy some aqua putty stuff as I broke my fishpond pump where the filter attaches the motor when I dropped it the other day. I had to take it out of the pond so John can mow. FML! Not much money. I can't afford another pump and I still need 2 more pumps.

So some quick bodgy repairs will be in order.

First world problems. At least I was not shot at today by a terrorist. I lived under terror rule most of my life but it is a beautiful gracious splendid thing to be safe in your own home, city and country. Let's hope we achieve that for the world.

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I am back from Bunnings. I have fixed my pump/filter attachment. I am now in my hammock although I misjudged and fell out, so had a good laugh at myself and am nurturing my new bruises.

It is cooler under the tree so time to read a book while the aqua cement hardens.

A storm is brewing. Tonight we ride. Well, I'll just hobble along slightly. Sore achilles heels, no money, too hot blech!

17 December 2013

Thanks to my cousin Melvyn, I have been cracking Macadamia nuts all night. Now hot, sweaty and fairly knackered with 4 recalcitrant nuts still to crack. So enough already. They are fresh from his tree and will be delicious to be sure, but oyyy, what arduous work. My hands are sore from all the effort. My nut cracker worked well for the first 20 or so, then I got tired or it got tired or whatever. LOL.

Nut cracking is somewhat of a metaphor of my current worldview. Hard nuts to crack. Soft nuts. Nutty nuisance nuts. Schmeh. This too, shall pass. I will take a hammer to the last 4 nuts. That will make me feel like I have completed the task at hand.

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I got up at 3.30 pm and spent the next 4 hours shovelling compost, picking up stones and rocks, weeding.

Full Moon tonight. Could do with a good howling!

17 December 2012

5.24 am and still not asleep! 10th Dawn this year! This is getting scary!

Birds are tweeting! Planes flying over, traffic tootling! I am exhausted and have been since 11 pm.

Perhaps I need to dance more? Lol! I had a lovely afternoon and evening with Annette and a lovely swim in the pool!

I am grateful and blessed to still have beautiful people in my life in spite of all the losses in recent years! One door closes and another one opens and I am happy to be surrounded with authentic, positive and caring people in my life!

17 December 2009

Pondering the fact that this year as seen so many relationships end, including my own and witnessing the patterns that form the undertone to our lives. Scary concept!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons