Memories: 18 May 2023

18 May 2023

I met Crystal at the Lifeline shop in Annerley. She loves her pendants! We had a lovely time shopping at Garden City too :-)

18 May 2022

I have finally booked myself in for a skin check. I have several Lesions which have not healed in the past two years. Eeek!

My psychiatrist debriefed with me this arvo and told me one of his employees is terminal from skin cancer. He was very distressed.

So that put the boot up my tochas I needed to get my own skin issues checked and if necessary treated.

I am triggered all over the place as the last skin doctor was so evil! But I need to get on top of the skin cancers or they too, will kill me.

18 May 2021

Today has been a full throttled hypomanic day. I feel quite unravelled! But I got a few jobs done including finishing the washing.

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18 May 2020

This afternoon I had a chat with my childhood friend Margaret. She asked if I had made any progress with my book and I told her I had been stymied with despair after being told by a publisher that my writing was good but too chaotic and disorganised and therefore unpublishable.

The woman had not bothered to read it properly as she said I wrote about having an affair with a rabbi which is utter nonsense. I wrote no such thing. I have never had affairs with any of my rabbis. In fact they had been protectors and mentors and defenders many times. Nothing of a sexual nature at all.

I was so offended I blocked this woman immediately then freaked out as I had sent her my many Facebook writings so I feared she might publish them and leave real names in place without my permission. Even my psychiatrist felt I was naïvely trusting.

So I lost confidence. In my ability to succeed at writing or any other bloody venture that I might dabble in.

So this evening I was tidying up my folders (in fact I have decorated one with pretty wrapping paper scraps that Lyn had gifted me!) and decided to transfer my typed-up diaries and other writings into it.

I stumbled across some embarrassing erotic descriptions of a long ago love affair (torrid, passionate but of course ended badly as do all my unrequited love partnerships).

Then stumbled across a diary entry where I mentioned making a phone call to my Uncle and how I feared even reaching out to him or anyone even remotely in contact with my mother or Buck as I had moved into hiding to escape them.

I was surprised to learn that my uncle also had suffered sleep apnoea and osteo-arthritis. He warned me about alcoholism which was also rife in our family.

I said to my Uncle Bruce “It’s kind of comical in a way that an almost 38 year old has to hide from her family”. He replied “Well it’s not funny at all, it’s awful!” I replied “I know, but I have no regrets about my decision. I have to keep my daughters and myself safe from them!”

(This conversation happened on 26 January 2003). Just prior to me being provided with this govt rental home (5 May 2003).

Wow. It took many many years to finally feel safe. 10 years after Gisela’s death, 3 years after David’s death.

Only very recently have I felt the release of the past and peace and the potential to finally succeed in my own tiny contributions.

After being in this house for 17 years.

Anyway Margaret had said there are real gems tucked away in my writing. Certain descriptors or way of expressing myself.

I replied “it’s all shit...meaningless shit Margaret”. I almost yelled at her. She replied “there are so many resources in all of that written history that you could really help other women in similar situations”.

She is right. I can shine by example. But just looking at my diaries opens wounds that seep with a fresh despair and evisceration than is hard to explain. Complex ptsd +++ has prevented me from getting any sort of real justice or from succeeding in any Avenue.

Except for my mad baltering tribal dancing where I unfurled my fury and passion and vague hopes of finding real authentic love on a certain “spot”. Out out Damned Spot. Lmao!!

Bullies and bitches could not stop The Tanya from showing up and dancing in her glorious triumphant Survival. (God knows they tried and almost succeeded...) but The Tanya hit the ground running from her own suicide attempt on 22 August 2015 and ramped up her style even more fiercely and danced until her gallbladder gave out (thanks in part to the hrt my doctor prescribed) and my liver almost imploded (I still get pain in the liver area and drain site almost a year after THAT fucked up surgery!!) and just when Mama T was back on her feet and finally ready to continue with her dance, she got sidelined and stymied by Covid 19 and the resultant lockdown.

A virus claimed my freedom when nothing and no one else could. Oh the irony.

So here I have some old gems and some deplorable germs and some loving, dancing and laughing in the face of my enemies to still achieve.

Life goes on.

18 May 2019

18 May 2018

Today is the secular anniversary of the death of my father in law Harry Arons. 34 years ago. Wow. My former wedding anniversary in two day’s time. Hard to believe I was so very young. 19 years old.

Anyway Shabbat Shalom to Harry. To us all! May we find rest and peace and freedom from our enemies. Amen v’selah!

Update 2019: His secular Yahrzeit. One of my only “fathers”. He held a deep respect and love for me in the short time we had together.

He taught me Hebrew prayers and blessings in his strong Ashkenazi accent. He told me stories of his childhood in Baranovich, Poland and I adored the sparkle in his eyes when he would reminisce. Also his mischievous smile.

While he was dying in hospital it fell on my birthday and he sent his son (my fiancé) out to buy me a bottle of perfume. I cherished that bottle ever after (kept with my perfume bottle collection!).

His sweetness and thoughtfulness far outshone his son. I think he loved me much more!

His favourite colour was green and he asked me to put on my wedding gown so he could see me dressed as a bride. When I dressed in it he looked a tad confused and asked why the dress was not green. (Morphine infusions messing with his mind).

I told him that I would wear green in the wedding bouquet. I think he knew he would not survive to see the wedding. It was a poignant moment.

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My friend Jarrod who worked with me in my business. I was “out there” like Animalll and Jarrod was much calmer and soothing like Kermit.

18 May 2017

Insomnia! 3 hours sleep now wide awake and itchy, fidgety and racing thoughts. Ffs!

Taking a Valium as I am exhausted. I have clean sheets and the salt block purified my bedroom and lounge. I should be sleeping like a baby. So annoying.

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I have bad lower back pain. Still coughing. Feeling shitful. I have gained 2 kilos as well. So I am going to bed early and am just gonna rest.

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Chocolate and glühwein. I will Die happy if it kills me!

18 May 2016

I am having a happy week, in spite of my exhaustion. The days have been calm, sunny and beautiful. The nights are cooler but The Tanya has The Doona! I worked hard in the garden yesterday, rinsing scoria but so proud of our success!

I will top up the other ponds now and clean their filters.

18 May 2015

Jarrod and I are now enjoying a cider at The Beach Hotel. Having a lovely time, under the heater. I want to play Pool.

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Rocking Byron Bay with Jarrod. The girls have moved on to Grafton.

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18 May 2014

I am fighting the urge to go out and being Domesticated by cooking up a big pot of chicken soup. I haven't made soup in years. I found this out by the expiry date on the beef stock which was from 2011. So funny!

Luckily I bought some packets of stock recently. I waste so much money on food I don't cook and throw out. Today I gave the hens some leftover Kugel I baked for the first time ever but didn't like (used too much butter). Oy veh.

I am looking forward to the soup however. It's a cold night and I need nurturing.

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18 May 2011

Woke up at 12.30pm feeling like crap, pondered how I was going to get through the day, but decided not to stay in bed for the rest of the day.

Glad I didn't cos I spent the entire afternoon, digging out my compost, distributing it on my passionfruit, grapevine and raspberry and around the bat plant and other gingers for an extra boost.

Then I put epsom salts diluted in water on the other stuff that needed it. Then I flushed out the worm farm so had lots of worm wee to distribute around as fertiliser. I also did a few loads of washing then came inside to have a well-deserved rest. Phew!

There is something really wholesome and earthing about shovelling out compost, sifting out the larger twigs etc between your hands and lovingly placing the huge juicy earthworms in the container before spreading on the garden.

I feel so much better. Now I'm just tired from the fresh air and exercise instead of just being tired from being tired of being tired and did I mention ....tired LOL. I've had a lovely day.

18 May 2009

I'd like to know a little bit about you for my file, I'd like to help you learn to know yourself...it's a little secret just a Robinsons' affair...anyway you look at it you lose....

Update 2021: But....the pendulum swings both ways.

18 May 1984

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons