Memories: 14 March 2023

14 March 2024

14 March 2023

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It’s another scathing hot day. But… the dog has been bathed, and had a bit of a fur trim. Charley’s inside cage has been taken outside, stripped of all its paraphernalia and scrubbed, then put back together. That took most of my morning. I also cleaned out the bird bath and filled it with fresh water.

It’s 2:55 pm and I am finally sitting down, eating lunch and having a rest. I had little sleep last night so I have done well considering.

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1:54 am unable to sleep. I even tried a soothing sounds track on Spotify. I couldn’t settle with the electronic jarring.

I guess my nervous system, always incongruent with other humans and the planet will sleep when it feels like it.

I had a lovely day yesterday, in spite of my stressors the previous day. I felt nurtured, loved and protected by fellow artists yesterday. I felt inspired to go forwards and get what I need to secure my future castings in their crucible without it splattering everywhere.

Tonight I even felt hopeful and positive that money will flow to me so I can continue to create.

I get like this: a tad delusional and overly positive until the next collapse of my nervous system. But I get knocked down, then I get up again

It’s all good. I can see that there has been a great shift in my consciousness in recent weeks. A sense of destiny and grace. So time will tell what is store for me. For all of us!

I can’t sleep but I slept away three decades. So it’s all good. I will eventually close my eyes and open them in another dimension. But I am not focusing on that anymore. I am fully calibrated and connected to life with all its whimsy and fripperies and trickeries.

I am excited. I don’t even know what is ahead of me…but I feel hopeful and excited. Perhaps things will finally fall into place and my love is finally accepted and respected, and my life will finally make perfect sense.

Perhaps…perhaps…perhaps….

14 March 2022

This morning I had a visit from a beautiful young Moslem woman who represents the Islamic Womens Association of Australia. They are offering me cleaning services as a government agency and possibly, if I need extra help, lawnmowing. I am going to try to persevere with the lawnmowing as I have bought the mower. But it is a great struggle.

I am grateful for the assistance with cleaning as that too is getting more difficult with my lungs and aging.

I was rather amused when Fatima arrived in my home and said “wow, you have a museum!” I took that as a compliment. My collections of interesting clutter are indeed splendid.

She loved my dining table and said it looked vintage. I told her that I had decoupaged it myself. I joked that I live in a vintage house, and being rather vintage myself, I went for the matching vintage look! She told me she thought it was a lovely house.

I have worked so hard on various art projects for the past decade. But it’s lovely that people can see the beauty in them.

14 March 2021

11:11 pm I am so grateful and humbled at the immense support of my gracious beautiful soul-full friends and to the spirits and ancestors that love us. I am grateful to be blossoming more and more in my own spirit.

Life is beautiful! I am filled with child-like wonder and with Delight. It’s a new paradigm focused more and more on Love from the Supernal realms and love that emanates on an atomic level from our very own life force or Chi.

I have been granted more life on this planet than I ever dreamed possible and I pray I leave a mark, a signature, a signpost of bright beautiful consciousness on this Sacred Space. This planet, this land, sea and air. This life. L’Chaim!

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1:11 pm. What’s going on...feeling very drained. Gonna lie in my hammock.

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14 March 2020

Home from a great night dancing. I hesitated to go out this evening but I am glad I did. :-)

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Charlie has gone missing from the garden. I have been calling him and searching under all the trees. He can’t fly so it is alarming as he can’t simply disappear. I have even looked for his body (in the event he got attacked by other birds). No sign of him anywhere.

I pray he comes back soon as it’s almost sundown.

Update 14 March 2021: Charlie came back two days later, found by the Scott family down the road! Back then I still thought Charlie was a boy but on 28 December she lay two eggs so now she is Charley. Weird little magical bird.

I am so grateful our prayers were answered and she came home to me. One of my biggest most soul-nourishing loves!

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“Men may think a wild woman is a woman to be feared. They think, "oh she's a wild woman, that must mean she's dangerous. She's probably crazy, too much to handle."

And in a sense, it's true. She's too much for someone who isn't ready to show up fully and check their ego at the door. She's too much for someone who would rather have small talk than go deep. She's too much if you expect her to hold back her anger or her sadness or pain to protect you from seeing her in her chaos.

But trust this: a wild woman is the safest type of woman you'll ever meet. She doesn't hold back. There are no surprises. You'll meet her and she'll let you see her for who she is. She trusts her own worthiness enough to reveal herself to you and let you decide whether or not you'd like to walk with her. She doesn't hide parts of herself in an attempt to keep your love because she doesn't have time for connections that lack depth and meaning.

A wild woman will invite you to love all parts of yourself. She'll accept you in that place, because she has done the work to accept herself there.~

~Sheleana Aiyana”

Rachel Walsh: 💗Love💗This💗Tanya💗

Me: It’s true and beautiful, innit?!

Rachel Walsh: yes, most definitely. a lot of people find it difficult when with a woman who is direct, they get kinda shocked of our truthfulness..

Me: Rachel Walsh I am a prophetess of truth. A warrior Goddess of Light (and occasional smite but never spite) . A lover of human evolution and decency and integrity.

A fool and a daughter of death who keeps killing my most precious and most beloved pets. But yes I remain Wild. In my heart and spirit.

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14 March 2019

14 March 2017

Jarrod did some Ancestry.com super sleuthing and has found my great grandmother. We need to check all the details before we add her details to my family tree but it is very interesting and cool.

From the comment section:

My German mother's side. Which has been difficult as the records are written in old German script so hard to decipher and need translating. So it is exciting.

He also found more info in my mother's biological father. He had been married twice before he fathered Gisela. The first wife must have divorced him as she lived to 76!

His second wife poisoned herself about 9 months after her 3rd baby died days after her birth. (Post natal depression? Grief? trauma?) I had wondered why a 27 year old woman would suicide. Antoni Patula raised the 2 older children by himself.

His daughter died aged 23 in an air raid shelter bombing. Tragic. His son lived until his late 70's, meeting my mother shortly before his death from skin cancer in 1997.

I have not been able to trace his son Teja, even though Crystal is in Europe she has not made much effort. Irritating but you get that. My mother believed Teja to be very ill, needing dialysis so perhaps he died not long after his father.

Anyway lots of suicide in my maternal line, my grandmother, my mother's father's second wife, my mother's first husband's second wife. Generational trauma, poor health. Etc etc

Life is for the Living. But death curls its fingers in our hair and licks our eyeballs regularly. A constant companion.

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I am out of bed. Eagerly awaiting the impending storm. So far just a light sprinkle. Lady rain needs to shake those skirts a little more vigorously. I want a proper precipitous felicitous downpouring of Delight.

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Pain in left leg still intense. I will have to go see my idiot doctor who tells me it's all in my mind. It has been a week now and the pain has not lessened at all.

From comment section:

Ok interesting. Several things of note. My rage is not unconscious. It is very real and brought to the surface by news of my father's recent death which caused within a few days this terrible sciatic pain. (Grief seems to often bring about injury or illness to the body - I hurt myself by gardening like a mad woman after my mother died, my own psychiatrist tore his rotator cuff while exercising in his gym after his mother died and now this event after my father died).

The pain is real and intense although technically there is nothing wrong with my back (I do have crushed L4 and L5 discs in my lower spine). I know there is nothing wrong as I was able to dance like a maniac on acid (panadeine forte and 1 drink of Jack Daniels and the rest of the night drinking water) on Friday night.

Naturally due to the intense passionate exercise I was unable to move or stay awake much on Saturday and then in post-recovery shock on Sunday night my bowels did what bowels do best. Ahem.

I spent Monday resting quietly with Jarrod although still in a lot of pain.

So hmmm, not sure what, if anything my doctor can do. As it has not improved in a week I am a tad worried. Maybe I won't bother seeing my dr at all.

I might just get some more strong painkillers and sleep more.

Feel a bit hammered as I had 2 months of tooth pain, then got sick from the aspartame in the Berocca the dentist recommended, then was just starting to feel a bit better when this new illness hit with a vengeance.

But it will pass.

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Yes. IBS. Back pain. All connected. Mind-Gut connection. My psych tells me to eat more yoghurt and probiotics (fermented vegetable) to heal my intestines as that heals depression etc.

He suggested psyllium husk for my gut to lower my cholesterol instead of my gp putting me on Lipitor. So far so good.

I just need the pain and tightness to go away in my leg. Then life will be bearable again. (No pun intended). Since I have to bear my own weight on my own two feet and legs and have had to hold myself up since childhood as I was surrounded by people who constantly strove to beat me down into the ground. Hmmm.

My father had a history of Deep Vein Thrombosis. So this pain in mirroring his life condition. He is just dragging on my energy. I release him. He has no place or space in my life.

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Thanks Heather. I will heal! I am Healed. Doing remarkably well all things considered. :-)

14 March 2016

Appointment for doctor made. Now shvitsing in my kitchen, listening to Bobo chew his bone. Happy little fella. By the gods and goddesses it is hot! Time to move outside and get some sun on my chest.

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Beauregard loves his dips in his clam pool now. He was in and out of it all day yesterday. Mama is a bit jealous. She needs to manifest a decent above-ground pool. And a fence. And pay for a man in a bobcat to level the ground. And electricity to service the pool at rear garden (that alone will cost just over a thousand dollars.). Hmmm. Big dreams are free, until you make them a reality.

Maybe I should just focus my attention in winning lotto to buy a big house and garden in Byron Bay, preferably near the sea. Ahhh but gambling is a giant waste of resources. Oh well, next big lotto I might buy a ticket, if I have a spare $11. If you don't buy the occasional ticket you have zero chance to win. But you get to buy a meal.

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I stored this door under my house for 2 years, hoping to use it as an outdoor table when the other one finished rotting out. But alas and alack, this 'Rosewood' door is made from Chipboard and cardboard. So only the lead light is worth keeping. So I am struggling to remove the second window for repurposing later. Maybe!

In the meantime, I require a Solid Timber Door. If anyone has one spare and is willing to give it to me or sell it cheap, I would be grateful. Thanks! :-)

Taking a break as my lungs did not like my efforts to saw the other window out. Now gasping and sweating. Blech!

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I had really intense dreams this morning. I dreamt I was walking around in Jindalee/Mt Ommaney area, where Brisbane Jewry traditionally lives. I was lost and in a fugue state, ie functioning like a zombie, lights on but nobody home.

I was looking at my gps on my iPhone one minute, looking for main roads to get myself on a bus home. I kept blacking out and becoming aware when I had walked into several glamourous homes.

Some of the owners had noticed me aimlessly walking around their gardens and had invited me home. I would get into a panic that I didn't know how I got there and would empty my pockets to show the home-owner I had not come to steal and would leave. No one seemed terribly upset by my appearance in their homes.

In the last home, the family were Jewish as I wished them Happy Chanukah as they had their Chanukiah lit. The wife was in her mid-30's and dressed beautifully. They were preparing for a party. She had several small children and a new puppy.

I 'woke up' when she explained that I was welcome to stay for dinner if I cleaned the bathroom for her. I felt happy to do so, so took a cloth and started cleaning the toilet. I then started on the showers, huge massive showers you could fit 3 or 4 people in.

I then moved into an adjoining room that had two fireplaces painted in really Mexican or Gaudi-type bright colours with little sculptures of birds, flowers and other animals. I cleaned the grottoes as they were dusty. It must have been the children's playroom as they came and went, grabbing toys.

Another woman came in to observe me cleaning. She asked me what I was doing? I explained I was working off my dinner and I was hungry and lost and didn't know how to get home so I was glad to be of service.

She rang the police and they arrived to take me to hospital and kept mentioning a doctor by name. Obviously the home-owner had a psychiatrist too. I got upset and stated "but my Dr is Dr ….".

So I escaped. I was leaving by the back door when I met the puppy. I think it was a dachshund. I tripped over it a bit. Gave it a pat and ran down the street.

Then another fugue state and the dream shifted to me standing in front of this beautiful scenery on top of a steep incline, the road curving round and the land dropping away.

I was in a van with a guy my age who said he was going to kill himself by driving over the edge. I said it was a flawed idea. He might survive it. But I said I might stand halfway down the hill so he could hit me as he lurched down to the bottom. He agreed. So I got out of the van and waited downhill.

He came speeding off the road, and as we agreed, the van lurched towards me. I stood, stoic and still, waiting for impact. Looking right at the driver with this immaculate feeling of peace. But at the last moment he swerved and missed me.

I was like, Wow, what a let-down. He had chickened out on taking me with him to Valhalla. I stood, rooted to the land a few more moments then shrugged and climbed up the hill. The dream did not show me what happened to the guy in the van. I assume he survived too.

The colours of the grass, and the light, almost yellow were a very good omen. Sunshiny happy bright colours.

Although you gotta wonder when you even dream of fugue states and suicide.

All I can say is lack of oxygen makes my subconscious mind go into over-drive. Wow! The house I was cleaning was amazing. I loved the artwork.

14 March 2015

3.03 am. Home safe. I have had a little epiphany arriving home.

I was thinking about what it is that makes so many women friends turn vicious on me with utter envy and loathing. It will always confuse me as to how this keeps happening. Heather said I make people hate me, antagonise them. (These were pretty much my own mother's words when I got bullied almost every day at school. It was always my fault. I did something wrong. I deserved it).

One day my bastard mother got sick of me coming home tired, beaten down, depressed with scuffed shoes. She waited for me to come home that day, down the road from our apartment. She had ordered me to NOT fight back, stop being the aggressor. (I was never, have never been the aggressor, but when I finally snap, then it's on!)

My mother watched me walking home with my midget bully brat bitch, stepping on the back of my heels like a fucked up terrier nipping at my ankles. Calling me names, baiting me. I ignored it with teeth clenched and fists clenched. I walked right past my mother. Rolled my eyes. She stopped me short. Yelled, "Go Home,Tanya."

I made eye contact. Rare to see my mother ever ever ever actually defend me. I went home. The snot-nosed brat never bothered me again.

Shortly after that my teacher who came from Minneapolis, Missouri begged my mother to take me out of St Kilda primary school and lie about the zoning so I could go back to Caulfield State primary where the kids were slightly more civilised. (But it was always my fault, my fault).

So tonight I was harassed by another inadequate chewy stuffed toy spat out by a Rottweiler, Lana faking vomiting at me and sneering and being otherwise a primitive little primate squatting and grunting in front of me with her public displays of hatred. She is just another tragic pathetic excuse of a woman. Just another bully.

Then it hit me. She is envious as she lacks maturity, class, dignity and courage. She needs her little retinue of cohorts to point and laugh like the circus monkeys they are. She had to wait until they all left her behind to approach me. Thinks she is so brave and so tough.

All she has managed to prove to me by her pink-arsed display, is she is insane and weak! Too much botox has eaten her brain. Poor creature. Probably has early-onset Korsikovs.

I will rise above her ugly soul and ugly warped mind, as I have risen above a thousand others.

The woman is sick and needs to be pitied. Her bitterness will kill her if the booze doesn't. I hope she rots in hell.

As for me. I will do what I always do. Keep dancing, keep living and keep not giving a fuck.

I gave these creeps my time and my kindness and this is how I am rewarded!

As for deserving the abuse, the bullying, the envy, the pathetic acting out of degenerates.

Why, Darlings! All I have to Doooo is Show Up!

Funny old world. At least I have my cats!

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2.30 am. On bus heading home. In a great deal of pain. Got harassed by Lana thing again. The woman is pathetic. She didn't stop me enjoying my night out which made her even more enraged. Putrid woman. I hope the court throws the book at her but I doubt they will do much.

The Livewire Bar was quiet tonight. Odd vibe but I danced anyway. There are a few nice people I danced with, but mostly stayed on my own. Safer that way.

Update 14 Mar 2020:

Those were the days my friends, We thought they’d never end, we’d sing and dance, forever and a day...

14 March 2014

Oh dear! I want to go out now! Even though I am tipsy on cheap wine and need to save my energy reservoirs for tomorrow's Mojo Burning!

Omg, I need to talk to Dnature of the Train as she always sends me extra mojo when I am depleted for my wild Man-hunting nights.

Alas, as she is transgender her mojo and my mojo mixed together means I attract a lot of gay men and trannies. Bless her heart.

Last night, wearing black jeans, all I attracted were drunk aggressive men that were in serious need of a punch in the nose lol.

So I am trying to work out if I should dress all ultra-feminine and powerful (corset, big skirt, big earrings, big attitude) or in my jeans again?

I don't want to attract more psychos but hey, there might be some lovely men who know how to treat a woman like me????

Psychedelic Dreamer Dreamssss. :-)

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Shabbat Shalom v' chag sameach Purim! To my Jew Crew, Happy Purim!

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My teeth are hurting... Not cool! I will have to get to the dentist next week. Can't go on like this. Hopefully it is just the old filling on top and the bottom ones are just sensitive? I think I will cancel the appt for the mandibular splint. I have enough tzores with my teeth already!

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2.18 am. Home from another impromptu wild night out. Crystal came to my place to bring back my car and brought some amazing caramel pie and cakes from Yatala. Then we went back to her place after going to the chemist so I could buy some more cheap magnifying glasses so I don't look like a misfit with broken glasses anymore.

I had a brief visit with my 'grandson' Ramon, and decided as I was near the city to go dancing at Irish Murphy's as Jabba were playing for St Paddy's Weekend festivities (although they normally play on Thursday nights). I had this daggy dress on, so I borrowed Crystal's Tru-blood off the shoulder t-shirt, black jeans and her blue pointy high-heeled knee-length boots. I borrowed some of her makeup too, and off I went for my big night out.

Wow, Wildness and Anarchy. No sooner had I walked in the door to the pub I was welcomed by my friends Ron and Chrissie who were dancing wildly, so I joined in. We had the best time, apart from a few creeps that decided to sexually harass me.

I was warily keeping an eye out the whole time and was doing my best to keep out of their way. Ron bought me two drinks, a JD and later a shot. Then I drank water with ice as I was hot and sweaty from dancing. My hair was saturated.

So here's the weird part. Some youngish guy comes up behind me as I was dancing and puts his arm around my shoulder from behind. So I look at him, and spin him around like a girl and push him away from me. He kept trying to get me to dance with him throughout the night but I was seriously not interested.

Then two older creeps kept moving in my 'spot' so I had to back away from them and finally one of them points to his ugly fat tackle and yells out to me that he knows I want him, so I mime throwing up and threw some ice from my drink at him. (Very funny!)

So the young maori security guy comes in, and says he was keeping watch as he noticed they were sexually harassing me. I told him it's a good idea as they were escalating. I said to him "how often do you guys (security) ever see me trawl after the men here, very rarely, and I rarely get out of control with my drinking!" He nodded.

I was very grateful that he watched over me, as the place was not busy but the men were definitely getting more and more feral. Ron and Phil were quietly keeping an eye but they are used to me looking after myself.

So I'm dancing and moshing quietly to "into the light" by Metallica when some arsehole dude, (a different one this time!) leaps almost on to me so without missing a beat, I raise my right arm and shove him away from me. I look up and he is staring at me in aggression and surprise, so I give him the death stare and he gets the message and backs off.

Then later on some young dude comes in the front door and leaps on me again. This time I had my back to the door so didn't see it coming. I spin around thinking it was either Ron or one of my women friends grabbing me, see it's a brat, so I literally bend over, think about shouldering him but he's too tall so I lift him off his footing and drop him on the floor.

Then I step away as I am blind with fury. Ron leaps in front of me and 'grounds' me by staring into my eyes, and I smile, as I realise he's trying to calm me and protect me, so we keep dancing and in this moment, I am very grateful for my friends in the pub who know how I can get very furious when I feel threatened. So I look to the left and the young snot brat is licking his wounds in the corner looking baffled.

I go over to the maori security guard (who is very sweet and protective of me) and I say, "Hey I'm sorry about dropping that guy but I don't like being jumped from behind!" He smiles, says "It's ok, I think he got the message!" So I nod and go back to dancing.

Meanwhile the sweet shy guy who bought me two drinks on Saturday night was there, and kinda watching me, so I went over and thanked him for the drinks the other night and he was pleased. So later he joined in dancing with me which was very sweet, as I had already told him the men were acting feral tonight.

I thanked him for dancing with me, and he said "my absolute pleasure!" I thought to myself 'oh oh, better not encourage him either' but he was actually fine. He left around midnight and I was pleased he didn't get overt and aggressive like the others.

Ron and Chrissie and I continue dancing until late in the night. Jabba played til 1 am and we had a fantastic time.

So it appears my psychiatrist is a tad prescient after his comments the other day that I am in Powerful and men find me exciting. What the fuck???? That was a truly weird night, but I still had fun, only because I knew that my beautiful sexy friends were watching over me, and the security were being particularly protective.

I told the security guards that the young dark girl, who was dancing with 3 men needed watching over as she gets drunk and can't control the men under those circumstances. I said, "She is wild like me, but gets too drunk and can't manage herself".

I knew this as I have danced with her before when she was so out of her mind they had to throw her out. I said " Keep an eye on her, one guy she is with is fine, but 3 is too much!" So the young maori security guard nodded, and I was grateful they watched out for her too.

So after all the wild drunken sexually overt cock-supreme antics of the men there, we all managed to have a great time and get home safe and sound.

I must say I really enjoyed dancing with Ron the most. He is such a natural Ham and he moves so lithely and energetically and we build up this amazing energy when we dance (he's a wayyy better dancer than I, as I just gyrate and mosh about freestylin') that I find it almost trance-like.

I always make sure I bring Chrissie into the dancing though, as there is nothing romantic between Ron and I, and I know they are madly in love but I am afraid that she might get jealous. To her credit, she never does and understands that I just enjoy the dancing. Poor Chrissie had a wisdom tooth removed today so she was a bit sore.

I need to go to the public butcher murderhouse dentist too, as I have been in a fair bit of pain this evening myself. I think I need that old filling replaced. So Chrissie and I were sympatico for sure.

Tomorrow I will be sleeping, and resting and dreaming and recuperating as I am looking forward to Mojo Burning Blues festival on Saturday so I will need to build up some more energy to dance there. (What shall I wear???)

14 March 2012

So much fun today on Paltalk. My hand is aching again from typing so much funny shit to everyone. I started a few pages of my autobiography as well. Hahaha!

14 March 2011

Feeling very tired all day today, going to bed as it's 1.19am. I've been trying to research family history, the german/polish side. So far no luck. So frustrating. Oh well, better luck tomorrow.

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My 11th birthday, 1976. My best friend Margaret in the foreground.

Didn't I look sophisticated? My mother always dressed me like a 30 year old woman. Weird. I looked ok in the tartan taffeta skirt though.

This photo was taken at our Elwood apartment, 11/14 Milton Street, Elwood,Melbourne, Vic. This is where I fell in 'puppy love' with a sweet Bar Mitzvah Boy and Judaism in general.

Mum used to love to go to the nearby Botanical gardens and eavesdrop on all the Yiddish speakers because the words were so similar to Platt-Deutsch. She used to tell me what the women were saying. LOL.

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Me standing with our kitten Magic who grew up to be a savage jealous little beast and used to attack me in my bed or when I came home from school, used to slash my tights as I trudged up the stairs. Little monster! He decided he was Mum's cat and I was an interloper.

He used to love to piss in my wardrobe and ruined many pairs of shoes etc. Mum eventually put him to sleep after he drenched a very expensive rare thick German tome in piss and it was ruined completely. (This was years after I'd had to endure ruined clothes and shoes and random acts of pussycat violence!)

I think the cat must have been mad, but he got away with a lot until I left home, then the axe fell for him. Awwwwww! Sometimes I think Mum enjoyed him making my life hell, but when she got a dose of the same medecine she couldn't take it LOL.

Photo taken outside our home at 382 The Esplanade Island Bay, Wellington NZ, across the road is the Island Bay Beach I spent so many happy, safe hours away from my home.

Life really was a Beach in those days. I could not have survived all the other crap had I not had so much wildness and freedom at my disposal.

14 March 2010

had a busy day getting lots of pesky little oddjobs done, with Jarrod's help. We had a lovely day although I was very restless. I planted up the strawberry planter with strawberries, made little signs for my favourite plants and trees, glued some objects together, hung up all my lanterns in the tree in my entertainment area on special hooks I bought recently. I am proud to have achieved all I wanted to today.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons