Memories: 14 December 2023

14 December 2023

14 December 2022

I had a much happier day today. Much less anxiety. I saw my psychiatrist. Beauregard was thrilled to see him again too. We have agreed that I will have my debrief face to face each alternate fortnight. (Unless I get sick of course!)

After my debrief Bobo led me quite determinedly up the street to Pet Barn. He knows he gets treats there, the little sneak. But I needed to buy him dog biscuits anyway. He was so cute with the guy at the counter, demanding his tribute!

I took Bobo and Charley got our usual jaunt around the block at 6 pm. They really enjoy our walkies. Then I gave them their dinner and put Charley to bed.

The evening stretches ahead of me but I am quite tired so will relax on the couch in the wonderful luxury of the air conditioned lounge.

14 December 2021

14 December 2020

11:11 pm make a wish xxx

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I had a lovely day today, including a lovely walk through the forest with Peter from Sapphire Street and Beauregard. It was nice to have company for our walk.

It rained intermittently and Peter worried I will get sick. I said “oh no, rain does not make anyone sick in the sub-tropics...unless one is already sick!” But I must admit I laboured with my breathing on our way back from the Carnelian Street end of the forest.

Huffing and puffing like old Lee Marvin in Paint Your Wagon. He must have been a chronic asthmatic too! Next time I get a mad idea to go walking in the rain I must take my Ventolin before I leave the house!

Anyway it was still pleasant although we both observed many broken off tree branches and a few toppled trees. The storms had not seemed that bad but after weeks of incessant heat the poor trees must have struggled with the sudden onset of so much rain.

I came home and carried on with my hat boxes then made myself a delicious dinner. Apricot chicken drumsticks with potatoes and sweet potatoes and a Chinese wombok and noodle salad.

Then more fiddling about with my hat boxes.

I also watched “Close Encounters of the Fifth kind: Contact has begun” which was fascinating. Stephen Greer believes we all need to meditate more and communicate with ET in order to raise our collective consciousness and save our planet.

I agree with him wholeheartedly. The problem is I was rather perturbed when I saw my first ghost (Black Douglas!) back in 2018 and was still getting over the shock of a former lover who haunted me in 2016.

So if I saw actual extra-dimensional conscious Beings I would probably freak out. Not because I think them in any way malevolent (we leave that negativity to the humanoids!!) but the high strangeness of it would probably scare me. Although they stated in the movie that all we need to do is remain pure of heart and intent and be curious and playful.

I guess I will remain open to the possibility that I can communicate with higher intelligences if they chose to interact with me.

I still have some intense telepathy with a former lover so if I can do that, I can interact with Beings that might actually have my back! The “gods” I often talk to and ask for blessings from are quite possibly these higher intelligences.

However I am too focused on completing my arty projects but after that, I might turn my attention to more esoteric interventions.

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I love this!

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This weather is giving me the Tanya Berserker Blues!! The heatwave was arduous and intense but this constant rain and wind is a drag too.

We need desperately EQUILIBRIUM!!

I need to dance and jive turkey my hide and push old griefs and lovesickness and the ghosts of former lovers who STILL come to taunt me... out of my body mind and spirit! Enough already.

I have felt his energy for weeks and the best he can do is flaunt another female in my face. Weak man.

I must remain true to my gods and my inner warrior goddess. Let go of love for weak inept spiteful men.

Why did this even happen in the first place? My Midewin blessed me for a happy loyal thriving relationship (not that bloodless cur!!) and yet...it is I who had to grow into my own self and womanly power in the past 7 years. Had to fight back from illness, a suicide attempt, bad nerve pain in my teeth, the cholecystectomy from Hell... and so many dead Beloved pets.

And now he cycles back to me on his three or four monthly orbit dragging his obese vapid stepford wives along, as he is incapable of honesty or decency.

It’s almost hilarious! But my love is True and my Light burns Blue. Deeper than a thousand abysses and higher that the outer reaches of space. Here I am...stuck in the middle lands with ...nothing but my courage and integrity and bathos!

Beautiful but strong, half-crazy but also wise. Beloved but also scorned.

Betrayed but also held precious by my true friends and family.

Dichotomy amidst the Besottany!

One more thing I must fight back or defend from.

May Odin, Thor, Freya - Adonai, Schechinah, all the ancient primordial Elohim bless me with a life of equilibrium and bliss and the truest deepest most beautiful loyal Love.

Even as I know...oh goddess how I know...I must gift it to my own Self.

Blessed be the Holy One who Sees my heart and Loves me anyway.

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Wild weather! Reminiscent of my usual Wellington weather during my childhood only the temperature is warmer. I had to bring all my washing in and hang the dresses and t shirts over the bath. Towels spun out again in the washing machine. Nowhere to hang them inside so will have to dry them under the house!

Even so it’s marvellous to have rain again. My nerves were jangled for weeks with all that drought and interminable heatwave.

It is such a release! The trees and garden are rejoicing too!

14 December 2019

(See file photo!)

The last time Crystal visited, about 8 weeks ago, (we are currently estranged...again....yawn!) she insisted that we leave some coffee berries which we were harvesting for to make home made coffee and gift to her friends.

So we left a few branches on the coffee tree full of berries as an offering to the Fae and land spirits. So hohum, this big beauty has moved into the web built by a much smaller St Andrews Cross spider that spans between the coffee tree and the lime tree. I deliberately let him live in harmony as spiders have their own Work to do to maintain balance in the garden.

So I don’t know if the Fae are happy with their offerings but this spider looks pretty healthy and content to me.

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Last night I dreamed that a rather wiley black and white kitten came into my life. It looked a bit like Mushu.

But last night Sophie who is in the last stages of dying asked to go outside. I let her go, knowing she needs her freedom.

But this morning she was not back so has possibly gone away to die. I have mixed feelings about this. But if she has chosen to die in her time and place then it is her choice. “Sophie’s Choice”. Arghhhh.

I was planning on taking her to be euthanised soon as she had stopped eating and drinking for the past few days. She slept on the cool wooden floor under the bed. I would go and check on her and brought her lactose free milk which she did not drink. But she seemed quite content.

2 nights ago she jumped up on the dining chair beside me and kept me company as I embroidered my Japanese cloth with running stitches. I patted her head and told her she is a very good girl and she smiled at me.

She rarely wants company so I knew it was her way of expressing her Sophie version of “Love”. I will miss her. She was a very unusual spirit and very avoidant but sweet.

Socks also ran away a week ago. Penny hardly wants to be inside the house either. Some energy is literally driving my cats to want to be wild and outside. Probably just the excessive heat. Only the bird and dog are content to be in the house.

But Charlie is outside in the garden in his “outside” cage and Beauregard is lying at my feet. He is never far away from me.

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3:49 am “Memories....like the corners of my mind...misty water coloured memoriessss…of the way we were!”

I woke up and have re-shared my memories. I always find little pearls of sweetness in amongst the dross and pathos - little miracles and unfurling of my clamped down bitten down existence. Even now, at 54 years old, growing new paradigms and potentialities of The Tanya.

I am tired. Of the heat. Of the long slow grinding torture that is unrequited love. Of my pain and suffering. Of aching bones and percolating permeating permissive Heart and my ever convulsed but authentic mind and my Soul who never quits..believing in new life and new beginnings, in her own Becoming and in the epic arsekicks and eyeball licks of her own personal Guardian angels.

Yesterday I thought about the strange and bizarre miracles that saved me from my homegrown monsters, after falling out of that Police Academy bus, and the surreal way Lyn and I were guided to get information for that foul and evil will dispute.

Then 3 years later Someone saving me from my suicide attempt. Then 10 months later the haunting by the ghost of a former lover that psychopath homeopath.

Now I am being asked to trust in Love. Romantic messy game-playing stoic but feckless love. It’s a huge Ask. Too much for my heart and mind to handle. Really! Truly! But my Angels say “No! You have not ceased to love that man in 6 years. So there is a higher reason for it!”

The higher reason was I had to reclaim my feminine power and hold precious my feminine mystique and not cast my pearl for a swine that only creeped me with his Succubi.

Ah well...laughter in the spheres. I have prayed and danced and parlayed and pranced and still...alone in the night with only ridiculous musings and inevitable insomniac blues.

Love is here. Inside of me. No one can steal it/rape it/or supplant it.

I built this Love from turmoil and torment. From the Void to the Overflowing Verdant. From trauma to Bliss.

So hurry up Little One, one more look at The One you tried to ruin with cavalier disdain.

I See You!!! Shaking that arse! “Dance for me!” Stay true, stay loyal, sei gesund.

Hold me in your arms. Heart. Loins. Dance me to the end of Love. Bring me back into your love and light me up with your never-failing glorious esteem.

Quit trawling the crash test dummies and vapid stinking Strumpets. It just makes you look rather sad, Man!

But alas.... some people never change. Will never be able to love me in a sublime or decent way.

I must sit with this...and patiently watch and wait. My star is rising. Somewhere somehow my true Beloved is with me tonight...and in a million tomorrows.

Never fear. I am Here. In the Eternal Now. Where all your trickster school boyish games just look...rather Silly!

…

14 December 2018

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Everyone just wants to be loved, cherished or at the very least, held space for. We all want to be Seen and Heard and validated. But we allow our wounds to commingle with our own ability to heal and we let our wounds create separation. Fear of abandonment.

I do it too. So I must sit with my pain and my rage and my inability to succeed in the real world or find real love or monetary success (although last night, on a walk with Bobo having just finished knitting Oberon, I was “gifted” with finding a $2 coin which was amusing as I am so broke right now but I tucked it in my purse with a smile, as the Fae bless me and the gods bless me and I am honoured, loved and respected by the ineffable and the invisible in a way that makes mere mortals quiver in their jocks and I am grateful and humbled by these signs of “Love” from the Eternal.

A slap on my shoulder, hand me a cigar and throw me back into the fray. Like all Freaks who have been marked by the Holy One for a preternatural life of trauma and Becoming: I serve as an example of whom is running this show and I suffer as much as I rejoice.

Blessings from the Underworld and the World to come! Make way for the Nutter or get out of my way. I trifle with no fools. Only the gods know what I am and only the gods truly comprehend my heart and mind. Glorious!

…

So I had a weird but uplifting conversation with my lawnmower man yesterday. A weirdly psychic/spiritual man. Blame the summer heat, the oestros or testosterone or his weird trickster gods.

He tells me that a fuck is good for the body mind and soul. We all need that Release. He is standing in front of me, the sun beating down on us but his body language is not oppressive. I sense only his naked desire for connection, his naked lust. But it is a gift in a way.

A recognition that I am female, worthy of being fucked. Still Desirable. Wanted. But I want more than to be temporally (and temporarily!) Filled. There is more to my Void than the chasm inside my Vulva! No one can Fill it but me. With Love and Joy and Respect.

So he delivers his spiel about the benefits of fucking but his eyes are cast to the left, as he knows, he knows…he is asking for it and the inappropriateness and the vulnerability of his desire is rather... quaint. Quaint but disturbing…

So I move my face closer to his and track his eyeballs and in jest say “if you truly believe in what you are saying to me you will look me right in the eyes! Why I oughta (I pretend to punch him out) knock you out but it’s all good fun, innit?!

I understand the need, the desire for the Fuck but what you truly desire is Connection and I myself am so over the frenetic foibled fuckers that left by dawn, screaming into the naked dawn yet Still...after all these years...come to stalk me at the casino!”

He laughs, my weird lawnmowing friend. Says “because they are like Prowling dogs! They can’t forget you and they know what they missed out on and it drives them mad, their failure to appreciate and cherish what they had!”

I laugh too. I think to myself that they are more like prairie dogs or Groundhog Day dogs or dogs from Hell, same shits, same scoundrels, same empty lost boys...but instead I kick my leg into the air and giggle and tell him “well my friend they had their moment, in my scorching sunshine, burning bright in the depths of my “cloaca” and a few even were blessed twice, but now they can just fry.... as I am Done”.

“You nutter” he says but we both laugh and laugh and I wonder sometimes why I am not fucking him or anyone really, but I then remind him. “I want more than to be a vessel of someone’s lust, a compressed jelly donut! I want real love and since I can’t get it.. I continue to rejoice in my own life and the Dance”.

He tells me (not for the first time!) that I need to change my attitude and work at not being so sensitive so I nod and accept his truth. Knowing that my attitude serves me well.

My sensitivity, a highly attuned gift from the gods...“maybe I was born with it, maybe it’s Maybe....line”. Men. I love them but they don’t really love me. They want me broken down, beaten down.

A possession, an obsession but when I offer my body, mind and soul they run away for easier pickings or longer pockets or emptier sockets or younger prettier models or whatever... the fuck.

But they always come back... for another voyeuristic pervue.

I tell him, my lawnmower man, that like my first and so far, (yet!) only tattoo that I don’t do things by halves. It’s all or nothing. So when I fuck it’s all of me. Wild Free and tempestuous.. (he laughs!) and never to be forgotten.

Which is why I prefer celibacy rather than waste my time on idiots...ever…ever again. (I am still smouldering from the ghastly epic sloppy slippage that was -ugh-stingy old “Lemonade Man”).

So he tells me he is going to Woodford Folk Festival (a tease as he knows I can never afford to get there - or anywhere!) so I tell him he will have a great time and I wish I could go, just once before I die. So he tells me to save my money for a year but he has no fricking idea that I can barely afford to pay for lawnmowing or other treats like getting my hair done so fuck that, I think.

I wish I could afford holidays or had a partner that could afford to take me on and was proud and happy to be seen with me in public and be my partner and be real.

But wishes and fantasies are fodder for fools and I live in my own reality. So I tell him I am trying very hard to not get homicidal and we laugh again.

I give him a glass of water as I had to move out of the scarifying Sun and it truly is very very hot and perhaps my bile is rising as my spirit knows, I am never going to make it in this life and it won’t be over ‘til the fat lady sings and I already sang it too many times but they dragged me back and brought me back into this life so I must keep on rocking and rolling my heart, my mind, my ancient songlines, a white short fat Hobbit woman on sacred Country. And be grateful. For Nothing and Everything.

For only the spirits can know why I am here or for how much longer. But Come. Cum. Come. As we are. As we were. As friends. As lovers. As arschloch unholy associates. As the dead are dancing and as joyous revivified former Zombies, as “they” always knew we could be. I can’t hurry up. Time takes time. But oh god oh god, it’s sublime.

…

I just had a lovely coffee with Terrie. Thanks Terrie 🙂. Beauregard made friends with a woman’s dog named Buddy and they played like two happy puppies which is highly unusual for Bobo so it did my heart good to see them so happy.

Tonight Terrie and I are going dancing. G-d knows I have to let off steam. It should be a good night as Zoophonic Blonde are playing and that woman can actually sing! Woohoo!

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When you live in truth by truth, for truth you gain a very undeserved reputation. People think you are a “nutter”. But those people don’t matter as they use and manipulate to control others and they hate losing control so they vilify the one woman who was kind even as their world collapsed. (Now several times!)

So I feel shocked and saddened by these superficial friends who used me as a weapon in their arguments. I am not a nutter. Not in the way they think.

I am brave, strong and beautiful and I deserve true friends and a tribe that respects and cherishes me. (Don’t we all?! ;-))

So I have been accused by former lovers and former friends of being too emotional or highly sensitive. Like it’s a shameful thing but it’s actually a Superpower that kept me safe and only keeps authentic friends and associates in my life.

The rest... can fuck off, n’est pas?!

Psychopaths who try to control women love to pull the “nutter” card because what better way to aggrandise themselves in others’ eyes than to demonise the one person who was consistently authentic and who loves and respects herself enough to “see” through the bullshit.

So tonight we dance! We surround ourselves with Light and Real love, with courage to endure the gawping spiteful envious voyeurs and with a great and profound Joy. The Joy of not just survival but Thrival. Not bad for a Nutter. I cleave to my own integrity/beauty/ power which has never failed me in the darkest times and the brightest times.

Ok that last bit is a lie. It did fail me. Once. I am Alive in spite of it. Such a waste of time and effort. But life keeps revealing true hearts and good kind people and I know who they are.

The veil is lifted and the corpses that hide behind it stare blatantly into my face but they can only wonder why I can only giggle when I see their true hearts beneath their mask.

No accidents in the universe.

Every moment, every breath is a lesson on this journey to Wholeness, to Becoming, to our own innate Greatness. It’s terrifying but it’s also fabulously wonderful. Everyone wants a ride. Lmao!

Meshuggeneh, Nutter, Lunatic, Berserker, drooling psychotropic Zombie, fierce warrior goddess, Survivor.

I have been them all and overcome. Why? “(In)Sanity is a blessing, I am G-d”. (Words pronounced by my bored but channeling 10 year old daughter at the markets 23 years ago). Words to live by.

The funniest thing was when my mother once referred to me as a man! “The son I always wanted!” After I went into full battle mode to protect her, my kids and myself.

(With a very big kitchen knife under my bed for several months after!). Cos “nutters” or rather, complex ptsd survivors are determined to keep ourselves safe like that.

It’s what we do! Triumph over adversity, over abusers. Over false friends.

No wonder I walk this earth alone. By choice! I take away the breath of those who demonised me but still obsessively come to stare at me at the place I go to dance!

I laugh in the face of their inadequate vicious attempts to control or destroy me. These men were mere amateurs when it comes to hurting women. I have subsumed them all.

So here I am! Nuts!

Formidable, innit?!

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“And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music”. Attributed to Friedrich Nietzsche. Well we know how he ended up

;-/

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Fuck! I just discovered (by her foul breath!) that Penny needs to see a vet ASAP. Her tooth or gum is infected. Fuck fuck fuck. Roll on pension day and more money gone! Poor old girl. Getting old like me!

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I just got back from a walk with Bobo. It started to drizzle lightly with rain and I didn’t mind at all. Finally some water from the heavens, but I did baulk at the 3 metre long snake that looked like a diamond python on the corner of Topaz and Sapphire Street.

It was lying on the grassy verge and just stayed stock still, soaking up the drizzly rain and I was ever so grateful I saw him/her first and that I was walking on the road, not the grassy footpath. I would have taken a photo but for once I left my iPhone at home.

He was a beautiful Snake. From a distance of 4 feet away. I was not inclined to get closer in case it was venomous or decided to mesmerise me. Lol.

It is rare that I see a snake even though I am close to the Forest. I vaguely worry he might come back to my place to take a dip in one of the fishponds.

I will have to be careful next time I clean out the filters as that cardamon bush is a perfect summer hiding place for a snake. More ridiculous Australian first world/ancient rainbow serpent type problems.

Oh well snake person did not bite me or Beauregard and we continued on our journey around the block. A leaf fell down in front of us and I jumped as my imagination decided it might be another snake lunging at me. But phew, it was just a very large leaf.

The rain got ever so slightly heavier so I am quite soaked but it feels good on my heat-exhausted desiccated skin (the snake and I have a lot more in common!) A blessing from Thor after all, although he is withholding like certain men I know.

Soon I will have to have a shower and glam up for another wild night of heathenish delights.

…

Now my iPhone is playing up. It won’t let me edit the typos on the last post. Oh well, at least it is still under warranty.

I tried turning the iphone on and off and even deleted Facebook and renewed it from the App Store so it’s not a software issue. Hopefully it’s just a glitch that goes away.

14 December 2017

11:01 pm. All’s well. Watching “The Story of God with Morgan Freeman”.

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“I am my Beloved and my Beloved is Mine”. Strange encounter today. It explains all the signs lately (the 11s). My Trickster G-d toying with my emotions like a torture victim. But I rose above it as I always do.

True Love is Eternal. I shall not forget the Cosmic Kick and the Reminder.

Psy Sighs!

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At Carindale. I managed to buy 2 packets of Chanukah candles in Coles. One for next year!

I have had a look around the shops. I went to Medicare to get a rebate on a doctors visit. Thank god I still had that as I needed the bit of cash!

I bought some more cat food and toilet paper. Exciting!

I am glad I managed to get the candles. Mama T Heathen Creature is still a Jew after all. In spite of all the shit that I was put through! (Also very likely a symptom of my insanity as any normal person would have become an Atheist or worse, a serial killer by now!)

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You’ve arrived on a very special night! The third candle of Chanukah (Hilda Arons’s Birthday).

I managed to flood my kitchen twice within the last hour! But The Tanya got her shit together enough to light the candles. Now smoking a cigar with Satisfactionnnnn! Yasss!

14 December 2016

It has been 6 years and 9 months since my mother Gisela died. It has taken that long to finally find my bliss, my freedom and to finally attempt to succeed at writing my book.

I remember telling my former psychiatrist in December 2009 that I hoped to get my shit together. But within 3 months, my mother was dead then the great Horcrux of a will, co-written by the Scherer Babylonian Whores threw me back into the abusive abyss.

Almost 7 years to come out of the dank dark Dementor dross and begin again, to rise and shine. It feels good to be free.

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Bloody desktop won't boot up again. Grrr. Lucky most of my book is on a flash drive but bloody hell I wanted to put stuff from Facebook on it. Now can't get over to work.

Can the gods let me get on with my work and life goals please? Stop sabotaging me at every single turn?

Jarrod suggested I try spare monitor that I had from Peter. Plugged that in but it does not have monitor cords that signal between monitor and pc. So fucked again.

Now no working pc/monitor. Oh well at least it worked yesterday, albeit very slowly.

I will have to buy a cord on Tuesday when I get paid. Book will happen!

..

I got my last $50 out of the ATM to pay my lawnmower man tomoz. Roll on payday!

Me: Why is that so loud???

Julie Goddard: because its a short status lmao .. after so many words it goes back to normal

Me: Damn. The one time I don't say much on Facebook and I am screaming like a Yenta.

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I drove to Jarrod to deliver the camphor box. I now can access my wardrobe in my bedroom which needs emptying out and delivering to a friend. I also got rid of heaps of shoes. Decluttering. Wheee!

14 December 2014

3.50 am. Karen and I had a fantastic time dancing with Shauna, Sam, and Sarah, Becki and Kelsey.

We were at The Elephant and Wasabi were playing.

We were in so much pain after, we staggered into Maccas on our way home and struggled up my 12 steps lmao.

It was worth it! We are loving life!

14 December 2013

I had a great time at Transvaal Diamond Syndicate's album launch. Rocked out and loved the vibe.

I also was surprised to win the prize for best dressed as the theme was Burlesque so I wore my usual corset and skirt and boots but stuck some eagle feathers in my hair-clip with the rose. Lol! So the mojo of the eagle feather won me two Transvaal cds. Thanks guys!

I had a little bingle on my front fender in the car park building. Grrr!

Then I finished off my night at Irish Murphys with Berst and all the regular dancers there. I also danced for a while at the new rejuvenated Live-wire Bar with Gail but she went home around 12.30am.

So I hung out with George the Busker ‘til almost 3 am then drove back to Valley to pick Sarah up and bring her home. I had a lovely time but boy my feet hurt now. Time for a cuppa I think!

The homeless guy that hangs with George asked me how my night went? I quipped, "Well darling, I had a lovely night but if I am hanging with you and George at the end of the night, you know what that means?"

He said "No, what?" I grinned and said "I am Still Single" and we both laughed ‘til we bust a gut.

I said "All good, Love! I love hanging with you guys anyway!"

So George brought me a hot chocolate, and I bummed a cigarette off the Homeless Guy who became obsessed with my studded boots and would not accept that Michael Hutchence is dead so we quickly had to change the subject by telling him he was last seen in Perth with Jimi Hendrix and Ronald Biggs.

14 December 2011

I had lunch in the city with my cousins today. We chatted for 2 and half hours, then I went home for a schluff. Totally exhausted but a nice day!

Now I am looking forward to the weekend! Feel a romantic vibe coming on! Let's hope I meet someone yummy! LOL.

I met a lovely english guy last night on the Net but I don't do online relationships however he flattered me immensely by calling me "Sumptuous"! I don't think I've ever been called that before...and I am 46, so wow! Only one thing...the adjective does sort of make me feel like I might be feasted upon...lol so a bit of worry that! LOL

14 December 2010

This is random but I was just looking at my garden photos and I just love my goldfish so much. I see them and I am just filled with love and awe. I was watching the three of them today and they looked so happy, especially when I cooled the pond down a bit with freezer blocks. They looked like they were doing little fishy dances.

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Interesting but stressful day today. Got the affadavit signed, express-posted, so hopefully there will be positive action there. Spent the day with Gail and Tahylia at the West End river, so Tahylia could play in the playground. Then we went back to her place for dinner. Tahylia got to see the happy fish-dancing. So cool!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons