In Search Of Life

Part 1

“How did I get here?” you ask. Well, I am not sure I am fully “here.” I like to see it as a transition. A leap if you will. Stepping over the gap while trying my damndest not to fall in while making it securely to the other side.

Oh, wait, I am jumping ahead of myself. Let me catch you up.

Have you ever woken up one day and said, “This is it!” “I can’t keep going like this.” “I NEED to change my life.”

I did. Well, it wasn’t exactly a single morning that I popped out of bed. My life isn’t a movie, after all. But, when I finally came to this realization, it felt like I had music behind me, I was in perfect lighting, and all the cameras were on me as if to say, “You are beautiful.” “You know your lines, and everyone wants to hear them!”

Alas, there were no lights or cameras, but I was still radiant and excited at the possibility of a new direction in my life. I was so tired of working 80-hour weeks. Waking up at 3a to slam down some coffee while tossing on enough makeup to not scare the other dreary commuters. I wore my sensible shoes while cramming my foot-killers into my overly stuffed tote, and then a ran out the door catching two forms of public transportation, which would deposit me at 7a for a day of work.

By the way, the commutes were the best, really, in the worst way. First, I was loaded onto a city bus for a 20-minute ride that would take me to the train station where I boarded a metro car for a 50-minute ride to the city. I took my seat, hoped for sleep, and counted the stops with each body-heaving jerk of the train stops.

Snuggled in my corner next to the window, my eyes closed, I could feel someone watching me. Yes, there he was. All eyes on me. Dressed in a blue tweed jacket, light pants, and a shiny set of Johnston & Murphy shoes with colorful, eye-catching socks. Today’s socks were a 70’s kaleidoscope of colors in vertical stripes. I named him Dapper Dan because he was always impeccably dressed. Dapper Dan was a distant commuting partner of mine for years now. Though we never spoke, through his constant gazing, I felt like we had a secure and creepy bond. Why he felt the daily need to eye me for the commute was something I used to ponder. It has been so long that it is part of normal life for me now.

Back to my movie scene inspired revelation. With this revelation came a forced reflection on how I got to where I was. I realized I was seven years into doing things as I was told I should. I went to college right out of high school. Bad idea. If I ever have kids, they will get at least a gap year to “figure things out.” Out of college, I jumped on the hamster wheel of life. Find a job. Find a better job. Go back to college for more degrees. It was an endless cycle of trying to outdo myself and everyone around me. I am competitive too, so I was in this to win it. No matter what. Well, the no matter what was that I was miserable.

Here I was making some darn good money, living in our nation’s capital, working at one of the most historic places in the world. I should have been happy, right? I wasn’t. Sure, I took a trip once a year with my couple of weeks off that I accumulated with each day of work, but I never lived. I never did the things I always wanted to do. I did the usual. I did what was expected of me.

With my movie scene-inspired revelation, I walked away from it all. I quit my career-tracked executive job. I walked away from a fantastic steady paycheck. I sold some of my stuff. I packed what was left in my car and a small Uhaul. I couldn’t even see out of my car windows!

With the Capital in my rearview and Dapper Dan wondering where I was and forced to find another distant commuting partner, I left it all behind in search for life.