I Worked for a Dead Communist Theater Producer for 20 Years

How am I feeling right now? With the new year beginning soon? How is last year sitting with me?

I had hopes for this past year. I truly did. But that which is grater than all of us had another plan.

This past year wasn't terrible. But now when I think about it, I looked at my work situation twice, and said this is not okay. And I changed it. I made that change. My gig is a lion which I turned and confronted. I can not change the lion, which operates on pure instinct. So I turned and walked away, with specific destinations. The lion watched me go carefully as I went, but chose to let me go.

I am ready to refuel for the upcoming year. I know that the world has its own plan, which I can not control. But I have control over myself and my actions.

What's Under That?

I am not satisfied with where my life is. I am willing to do the work to change it. I just get tired of all the stuff, which flies around my brain.

I wish I was more settled. But I've never been settled. What can I do? Small steps are more sustainable, that is, if you keep walking.

I do not like my company. They suck the soul out of me. Well then, why do I go there every day? I want to be doing other things. Why can't I do them? Why can't I get paid to do them?

In the mean time, I am writing it all down, all of it. It doesn't stop.

How do I reframe? Perhaps this is the plan for the new year, reframing.

What is out there for me? Is something waiting for me? I want to make changes. I feel as if I have begun to do so.

How aligned is this with my values?

Each day I got to work, and I clock in, with a number assigned solely to me. And from this moment, my morals and values are challenged. I don't respect this company at all. And I resent that this is what my life has become. For gawd sakes, I worked for a dead Communist theater producer for 20 years, and was fully vested after five. What the hell happened? Now I work for a wealthy miser, who doesn't give a shit if I live or die. Hell, Joe Papp had to testify before congress.

I do not like the sight of massive amounts of produce, which has traveled way too many miles. I to not like witnessing the sale of dead animals. I have a longing, an ache, a desire. I want to honor myself. I have a yearning.

What obstacles are in the way for me?

I am my own worst obstacle.

I believe I spend too much time focusing on what I do not have.

Not having money? Definitely an obstacle. Don't like my job? Go get another one. I want to make films and create content. Okay, do that. Be you.

I want to visit the birth places of my grandparents? That will have to wait. But in the mean time, I have a ton of research to do.

Conditions are right for growth.

I think once I get through all fo this, I won't even notice. It will dawn on me that I've gotten through it. My life will be cleaner, neater, lighter, organized. It will be easier to get out of bed in the morning.

I like waking up before sunrise, to be awake before the sun.

A smoothie later, washing dishes, a good poop, and I feel much better.

It's time to take action.

This is me, calling on myself to take action.

What am I willing to do?

I am willing to run my ass off. I am willing to document everything, create content, and share. I am willing to be patient, and not just jump at the next available job, apartment, or neighborhood.

I will wake up every day and not just try, but do for myself and people around me.

I am willing to set my clock for sunrise every day, and retrain my body.