I made £11,000 recycling clickbait articles cynically aimed at Vocal writers

That’s right. £11,000 may soon make itself at home in YOUR bank account. How? Why, I’ll tell you how!

Here’s how:

You just need to keep reading and suspending belief. This is just further filler, not actually “how.”

But be sure to keep reading, because this sure-fire way to lure currency away from the other thousands of writers out there, itching to secure a lucrative side hustle that will have £££$$$ raining into your coffers like it’s raining men.

Except it won’t be raining men. That’s a poor analogy, lacking relevance and imagination. Hmm, maybe . . . It’ll be raining money!!! Or whatever the online version of raining is. Streaming? It’ll be streaming money! Well, transferring. Streaming’s something different. You probably know that. I won’t even mention crypto currency! (Mainly as I’m still not sure exactly what it is!!!)

Here’s more.

I will occasionally intersperse the information you seek with unnecessary and frankly irritating italicised phrasing and generic imagery.

The fact is, you already know what you need to do. You’ve been told time and time again, yet time and time again you haven’t put in the work.

Just what the hell is wrong with you?!

What you need to do is simple. In fact, it’s so simple I’m doing it right now, while I’m editing this piece!

What you need to do is, keep edging people along, while it slowly dawns on them that maybe you're wasting their time.

That’s right!

But, just before they click away, angry at themselves for reading your pontification, put a tiny bit of half-hearted advice at the end of your piece.

And that is “how!”

Advice that promises writers how they can make a small fortune by simply propagating the delusion that £££$$$ is yours for the taking!

What’s that? I somehow hear you frown. An article that promises all the glitter and gold in online clickbaiting? Isn’t that exactly what this is?

Yes. It’s exactly what this is!!!

Oh. Weird. Okay . . . What should I fill my article with?

Oh, I’m getting to that!

I wish you would. I mean, I’m losing interest and I think I may have to stop poncing around and get on with—

Fine, I’ll spell it out right now!

Right now? Promise?

Yes. Here goes: what you need is a piece filled with links to websites that proffers no fresh information or insight into what these sites are after. Important: several of the links must be broken.

Oh. That seems ultimately dispiriting for all concerned.

It sure is! But . . . couldn’t you use all those thousands of £££ I mentioned above? Perhaps get yourself a holiday, pay off some bills . . .

Well, duh. Definitely. But have you made “all those thousands of £££ that you mentioned above?”

Uh . . . well, no. I’ve yet to turn a profit, actually. But I have high hopes for this piece. Truth be told, I’d stick to writing something you know and want to write rather than crowbarring it into submission portals already bloated with articles ostensibly there to aid other writers, but actually bragging about how great they are at making money on Vocal.

Hey, that actually sounded almost profound! But—shouldn’t you have said that in italics? And isn’t the headline misleading and nonsensical?!

F**k you.

Wow, some profundity at last. Profundity in profanity.

please note: an earlier version of this article appeared over at Medium.