I'll Tell You the Secret to Entrepreneurial Success

by Jeremy Timmons 2 years ago in humor / satire

(As long as you don't ask about that murder I'm connected to.)

I'll Tell You the Secret to Entrepreneurial Success

Generally, I would consider myself to be a fairly pragmatic person. So much so that, in some circles, I'm alternatively labeled as "emotionally unavailable," "empathetically barren," or even "an apathetic void of ghastly intensity." That being said, over time I have proven myself to be a successful entrepreneur, and I'd like to think that it is due, at least in part, to these traits I hold. Because I hold an objectivity my distinct lack of emotional accord grants me, I've been able to navigate the consistently choppy waters of taking an idea or product from conception to market with a decent amount of success. Success that, barring any unforeseen investigation into matters long since rendered closed by the Attorney General's Office of Criminal Affairs, appears unlikely to abate anytime soon.

If you would grant me just a bit of your time, I'd like to take a moment and share some personal secrets about some professional accomplishments* of mine.

(*And only my professional accomplishments. The mention or discussion of any salacious speculation pertaining to a missing person or persons would be in violation of my settlement agreement.)

Never mind the footnote, though. It's just standard boilerplate that the powers-that-be make everyone write at the beginning of these things. It's neither indicative nor condemning of anyone or their long since resolved allegations of abduction and double homicide.*

(Because they'd need a body for that. A body which I am just absolutely confident they DO NOT possess.)

Never mind that earlier note as well.

More to the point, I'm here to divulge secrets about not only surviving in this market but thriving in spite of it. And, I assure you, as much as the courts and state prosecutors have a deficit of admissible evidence, I have in an abundance of experienced instruction established around how best to execute your vision.

Because as we all know, it's all about the execution.

Closely Follow and Study Your Target Market

It's fair to say that most people who start a business are unaware of what actually "starting a business" entails. The scope of the endeavor is entirely too broad to comprehend at the inception of your business plan. From personal experience, I can tell you that there are a number of practices and strategies that I now consider to be invaluable but, for whatever reason, was undisclosed to me at the time I began my venture. For instance, too many nascent business owners neglect to research their market which is completely baffling to me.

How else would you know the predictable patterns of movement or traits concerning your particular market? Where it goes to pick up its bio-organic produce or the name of the gym in which it attends to workout for the same length of time (an hour and thirty minutes) every Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday? If you don't learn how to better anticipate your..."market's" schedule, you won't learn how best to take advantage of it.

When best to strike.

Trade Secrets

But even then you have to take extra care to make sure other industry insiders aren't aware of your plans. I find that the best way to do this is by thoroughly destroying anything that could lead back to you. You need to be sure that no concerned parties (or, for the sake of illustrating a point, nosey government agencies specifically tasked with enforcing the law) can trace anything back to implicate you in any... business... stuff.

Yeah, stuff that is also business...

This includes but is not limited to:

  1. Any document detailing figures for a proposed venture
  2. Voicemails from potential investors
  3. Voicemails made public in which you berate your lawyer for their perceived incompetence, loudly cry about how you'd constantly have to fend off sexual advances in jail because you're "like catnip to Mexicans," and that if he fails he'll be dealt with "like the rest of them"
  4. Sitting motionless and unblinking in the police station lobby while displaying the occasional single eye twitch
  5. Bar napkins in your coat pocket that the prosecution says places you at the same location the victim was during the night of their disappearance
  6. Eyewitness testimony from neighbors who report seeing your car outside of the victim's home multiple times throughout the week at all hours of the night
  7. Other shit

Thoroughly Dispose of the Remains of Your Inexperience

These beginning lessons will help you immensely not only in the realm of business but even other, less pleasant but still fulfilling, matters not worth going into detail about here. We're at the end of this chapter but, while you may not be as cut-throat and knowledgeable as I am, you now have more tools at your disposal than you did before reading.

Remember to use these instruments in an efficient yet discreet fashion so as not to alert your competitors until it's too late for them to fight back. When you cut into an exposed... sales demographic, make sure to cut deep and with purpose. Making messes will only translate into more clean-up and more risk and that many more people up your ass when an early morning jogger stumbles across the "business plan" you buried in the local park.

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