I Am What Is Missing

I Am What Is Missing

Life often begins with childhood dreams, then things often change with adulthood. We forget those beginnings – how often do we find our way back to something we didn’t know was missing?

I enjoy being in the presence of animals. All animals, even though I am mainly associated with horses, and they may not revel in mine. I cherish the quiet acceptance either way.

Ever since I was a kid, with animals is where I preferred to be. One of my earliest “pets” was a white chicken in my Grandma’s coop I named Three Toes (because the bird had lost a couple). I would hang out with her in the coop. We were friends.

When I got a little bit older, I used to stay on the family farm of my aunt and uncle, where his mom also lived. I called her Grandma Emma, but she wasn’t really my grandma. She had given birth to thirteen boys and enjoyed having a little girl around. Anyway, I would go down to the dairy barn with my uncle to be around the milk cows. My uncle offered me a pinch of snuff in that barn. I declined.

I was also fascinated by the wild horse they adopted. She refused to be tamed, so it didn’t end well for her. I was sad. They also had other horses and dogs. They had a pony I often rode. I loved it there. It always felt peaceful to me.

My parents bought me a horse when I was eight. They didn’t know much about horses, but my grandparents offered to keep him in their cow pasture, along with my Grandma’s horse and pony. This arrangement worked out fine until my Grandpa decided to turn a bull loose with the cows. I went out to the pasture one day to get my horse, when I discovered the bull. I hightailed it back over the gate and out of the enclosure, without my horse. I don’t know which was pounding faster – my little legs or my little heart! We found a new place to keep my horse soon after.

I grew up, surrounded by animals, mainly horses. I spent my youth learning about horses and being around horses. I even went to college for formal training in handling horses. That’s where it all fell apart. It took me a long time to figure that out, though. After spending much of my childhood working it out on my own, I spent many years engrossed in doing it “right,” excited to be a part of the “community.” There were many opinions about what was correct. And so I lost my confidence. Slowly, though. Frustration and sadness and jealousy took over peacefulness.

Sure, I have ribbons and got to do some cool things in the horse-world, but I never achieved fame or fortune, like in my dreams.

After decades of aspiring to be recognized and appreciated for my horsemanship prowess, I changed my approach from a self-centered desire to be accepted and glorified, to a desire to listen to the animals first. They have the answers I’m searching for. They always have. I just couldn’t hear them over the loud opinions of the “experts.”

My life and goals are different now. I aspire to be at peace again.

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Thank you for reading!

Have you ever found yourself caught up in your own aspirations? Did you find your way back to authenticity? Please share in the comments below. What’s your story?