How to Argue Sensibly

Being human means having an opinion, having a mind and a view of the world around us. We like to think that our view is the correct one and everyone else that disagrees with us is incorrect.

Some of the wisest people I have known in the corporations in which I have worked have been those who are willing to change their opinion on something.

I worked for a multinational pharmaceutical company and our CEO was from Scotland. This gentleman had risen to the top of the company through sales. He was one of the best salesmen I had ever come across.

One day I overheard someone who knew him better than I did describe him as a chameleon. Chameleons take on the colour of their background so as to blend in. Chameleons aren’t the fastest creatures, so they require this for self protection.

Our CEO could obviously not just blend into the background, although that would be an incredibly handy skill to have, imagine you are at a dinner party and see someone who you don’t want to speak to?

I digress.

The sense in which our CEO was a chameleon was with his opinions. He did not hold to opinions to the extent that he would alienate anyone. He would set his ego aside to try and understand the other person’s view point.

He would prefer to persuade rather than dictate. He would not even dictate to subordinates, he would persuade them, by speaking about his reasons for why he wanted things to happen in the way he was suggesting. He would always make sure to treat everyone with respect, he wanted to keep their ideas coming, not stifle their thinking.

When he would speak to us all as a group he made each of us feel like he was speaking to us individually. He understood that you attract worker bees with honey, you attract flies with excrement.

He wanted each meeting to be in the ‘honey zone’.

When a leader rationalizes why he has a certain vision and why he holds certain opinions, he opens himself up to differing opinions. Our CEO was always open to other suggestions, and even if he didn’t agree with them he would state why, and always thank the person for their suggestion. This way he made the person feel important, he also did not want them to stop thinking. He always encouraged everyone to speak up.

I observed him with his seniors from our global head office. If there was a particular point where he disagreed with them, he would always say. “That is a very interesting way of looking at the issue, can you tell me why you think this will work, because my view differs from yours.”

If his senior executive made a good and valid point he wouldn’t argue his point but would change his opinion, and say something like. “I find what you are saying most intriguing and it’s new thinking to me. I think it’s something we should try thank you.”

No ego, no trying to defend his view point. Where he thought that his senior manager had it wrong, he would say. “Thanks for your valuable insight, that is what I was thinking too, then I leant that this won’t work because of…. What are your thoughts?”

He would always anchor and set the tone for any meeting with the following statement. “It is wonderful to meet with all of you. I am hoping we can all assist each other with new ideas and fresh thinking. I am willing to have my mind changed for better ideas, and I think we should all be as flexible in our thinking.”

This would set the tone. He was in effect letting everyone know that we don’t know everything and if others have some good ideas we shouldn’t dismiss their ideas. His meetings were always an enriching experience.

Try these techniques when next you have a difference of opinion. Don’t hold fast to pride and ego over reason and rationality. Be more consultative and conversational in your approach.

Win the person not the argument. You needn’t look weak if you clearly state that you are open to new ideas, this way you also have a richer experience and motivate others to think more deeply.

Our CEO was loved by all employees, he received loyalty and the best from everyone, because he valued everybody’s opinion. If he disagreed he would say why and persuade us all through reason why he was making certain decisions. He made us feel like we were all part of the decision. People wanted him to succeed and so they did their best in each of their management functions. His openness and willingness to change his mind based on better and deeper insight made our company a pleasure to work for.

He would often say “Leave your ego outside, open your mind to new ideas.”

Final Thoughts:

Win the person, not the argument.

Make each person feel valuable, like they have something to contribute.

If you disagree, do it with grace and say why you disagree, and what you believe the consequences would be of doing what is being suggested by the opposing party.

State upfront that you are flexible and willing to be convinced contrary to the opinions you currently hold. This sets the tone for the meeting.

People are worth more than an argument, and only those of us with fragile egos, need to protect their egos.

Leave your ego outside. Wouldn’t leaders in all walks of life do well to take this approach? I think so.