How The Pandemic Made Me Aware of Who I Really Am

Hello,

Do you feel like you today and you two years ago are different versions? I certainly do. I'm a better version of myself today than I ever was. If you feel the same way, I want to take a moment to appreciate our growth. It's important to acknowledge those little victories we have in our lives.

So here's my story and context is always very important when telling a story. My personal crisis came into my life two months before the global crisis. In January 2020, I still lived with my parents, but we had such a poor relationship that I was having anxiety and would prefer to stay in the cold outside than go to that house. I was treated with silent treatment, passive-aggressive behaviors and just two adults who didn't work on their shit and still acting like children. It became so toxic that I had to move out. And so by February, I started living by myself 30 minutes away from them.

At the same time, I was trying to get over a guy I cared very much about and it just felt very painful to let him go, but it just had to be done. Emotionally, I had already enough on my plate. Who knew that it was gonna get so much more intense?

I was sure that I wanted to live alone even if it's more expensive. I needed to decorate how I wanted and just have that space I didn't have before. And it felt so surreal being an adult and having the peace and quiet and the absolute independence I was craving. And then March 2020 came and I became isolated from my family or friends for a while. For the first time in my life, I was completely alone.

I don't have many regrets in life, but one of them would be not writing daily in the beginning. I'm still blown away that we are living history every day. We got through something humanity has never done before. That pause allowed me to explore who I am. I was in denial of my true needs or wants because I had to care for someone else's needs. Now, I had to take care of myself cause nobody else would do it.

April came and the sunny time came and people rushed to parks. And I was completely triggered. I was thinking that all these people had friends to see and I had nobody. I felt very lonely. I would go home and weep like a wounded animal. I still needed the oxygen and the walks but there were so many people, I could not look at them. So I started to look at a fixed point on a tree while I walk until it became a habit that people are just background. It helped, although I must admit it could be a bad coping mechanism. I had suicidal thoughts that month. I would not do it, but I was at a low point in my life. I had to write myself notes on the fridge like "Just survive today, tomorrow would be better".

It was also at that low point when I decided that I want to delete my social media (cause nobody would care if I'm gone, right?). I said bye-bye to Instagram after 8 years of use and I never felt better. I'm still not back and I don't think I want to. I want to focus on me in real life, not a curated, picture perfect life cause it's not all roses and candy. There are some losses and regrets as well.

What really helped in May is to get a kitten so somebody else to take care of besides me and who will need me and also talking to myself. I felt so heavy and wanted to talk with somebody but didn't want others to feel my burden so I talked to myself. For 17 minutes. I recorded a video where I just said all I had to say and I was surprised at how well I felt after.

I spent my summer completely by myself and discovering who I was. I must also say that I was trying to escape my reality at any given chance so I spent my time mostly high. I would go on long walks, just wandering around the city and having deep conversations in my head and I discovered that I really enjoyed my own company. You see, my parents would tell me that I'm a cactus, picky, prickly, impossible to approach, but that was never true. I'm a highly sensitive person and my parents don't have the emotional capacity to fully understand my emotional depth. I got rid of that limiting belief I was taught.

Those months in the quiet and silence helped see myself for who I really am. I hated myself for so long, it just felt like a relief to feel like I can appreciate myself. And I always thought that I will be unhappy if I don't have somebody else, but turns out I was the person I was expecting.

By my 26th birthday, I could finally affirm that I'm a woman. Reading back on all the entries I had in my journal, I could see my progress, from a depressed girl with a broken heart to a woman who knows her worth and who healed and invested time in loving herself.

I was gently guided into astrology, tarot, numerology and anything mystic. I know a lot of people who hate on these things, but these are all just tools to make your life just a little bit easier. And at some point, taking clues from all those spiritual things made me aware that I'm special and I have something to say.

Just before 2021, I shaved all my hair. I don't think I would've done such a radical move if it wasn't for the time we're living in. But the next day, I felt happy. Looking back, it was the best thing I've done for my self-care and my hair is growing stronger than ever.

This year was another quiet year for me. Others only know you as deep as you know yourself so I've had a quest to find the answer to the question I want to know most : "Who am I?". It's such a simple question, yet so complex. There are so many layers there, some even hidden from ourselves. I'm still on that journey, still learning, still changing, still evolving. Life is just a constant change of circumstances, isn't it? I've got some answers, I'm still waiting for some others, but I started to trust that we receive the information we need at the exact time we are ready to accept it.

I'm not the person that I used to be. I gave myself room to grow, breathe and heal. Having that space from my parents allowed us to have a more harmonious relationship as well. I am grateful to be where I am today and for all the lessons I received these past months. I'll finish with one of my personal quotes. I use to remind myself that "Today I know more than yesterday, but less than tomorrow". Each day brings a new lesson... if we allow it to enter our space.

Much love,

Margo