How I Became a Minister- an Unexpected Calling

It was a lunch conversation like so many others: we talked about all of the things that were on our minds (often all at the same time), sharing the mundane and important equally as we marveled over the amount of carbs a single work lunch could include.

Em had more than macaroni and corn on her mind, though- you could tell that this was going to be a serious subject that she wanted to share with us. A friend had been anticipating welcoming twins into their family, but had had a harrowing miscarriage before the babies could survive. While still coping with that grief they were struggling to have a funeral since they didn’t belong to any church. They’d asked at one of their parent’s churches but were turned away as the facility isn’t open to non-members.

This hit me hard; it had taken years for me to work through the grief of miscarriage. I couldn’t comprehend being turned away from the emotional and spiritual support and closure by a place of faith. It made no sense to me.

I remembered thinking, “If I were in that church I’d just do it for them. That’s what ministry is about, isn’t it? Helping those that need help?”

A few months later I said ‘yes!’ to a very important question and started to think about churches, ceremonies, and also how and where we would marry each other. Both of us had been married before, and although we went to church we hadn’t picked out ‘our’ church yet.

It seemed off to embrace one particular place just because we wanted to have a ceremony there, and since we wanted my fiancé's parents there and his father was not up to the travel, we decided on a front-porch wedding. Knowing that his friend was able to officiate made that destination wedding easier, and since he is a close friend he was fine with us writing the ceremony he would deliver.

Our niece and her father played ‘Morning Has Broken’ as my father-in-law walked me down the path and to his son. When the geese flew over our heads calling to each other as we exchanged vows we felt the blessing of the day. No building would have made the day and event more sacred.

As the days and weeks went by my mind kept bringing both the devastation of that lunch conversation and the blessing of the wedding to the top of my consciousness over and over again.

What was I missing?

Why were these things related in my mind and important to me?

What was I supposed to do with them?

-I thought about the place where I worshipped as a young Christian, and where my children attended Sunday School. I thought about my own baptisms: one as a child in the Catholic Church and one as a teen when I made my declaration of faith on my own in my local Bible Chapel.

-I thought about the teaching I’d received that only men are fit to be leaders and priests, and that it is a shame to have a woman speak in church. I thought about the shame I felt when my first husband asked for a divorce and the uncleanliness and unworthiness I felt that left me believing I had no place among the godly since my wedding vows were dissolved.

-I thought about the many many people I knew that wanted to celebrate their happiness and the milestones of their lives with friends, family, and the awareness of the blessings they had received.

-I thought about the wedding ceremony on that front porch surrounded by friends and family, officiated with the words we had selected and the vows we had written. Completed legally and with love irrespective of the need for a building to contain us and an institution to bless it.

-I thought about the work I had done as a teen leading Vacation Bible Schools, the many Bible studies in which I’d participated and led, and the prayers I’d shared with others over the years.

-I thought back to that question from that lunch months earlier: Isn’t ministry helping those in need? And, if so; isn’t seeing the need and wanting to meet it the first step towards a ministry? I decided that; yes- yes it was.

Alright, then- how do I make it official?

Although it may be the thing for some people to get an ordination from the Universal Life Church, American Marriage Ministries, the Church of the Dude, or Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (yes really) they didn’t feel right to me. These places seemed to be about skirting the system and solely focused on weddings.

That wasn’t for me. Especially as it was the lack of a funeral that first got me thinking about being ordained in the first place. I couldn’t see myself helping mourners as a Pastafarian, although kudos to those that could do that! I also learned that the Universal Life Church ceremonies aren’t legal in all states and that was a worry for me.

I wanted something legit, something that would take my intentions seriously, and something that was legal. I found Rose Ministries. Rose Ministries called out specifically their intention to help women get ordained, and coming from a conservative religious background where that was certainly NOT anyone’s intention, I liked that attitude.

Although their process has changed, in 2009 I was invited to include a letter explaining why I wanted to be ordained and what impact it would have in my life. I knew I didn’t want to open my own church (although that is easier to do than anyone can possibly believe!), but I did want to do more than officiate weddings. In fact, I had a name for what I wanted to do, and it is that name that I still use: Milestones Ministry.

Milestones Ministry

Thinking back on that sorrowful lunchtime conversation, oh how I wanted to help that grieving mama obtain closure and remember the promise of those poor little ones. Having children is a milestone. Burying them should never be a milestone for a parent, but sometimes that horrible moment happens, too. Ministering to them during that time is an act of love.

Making a lifelong commitment to someone is also a milestone. We were able to have our ceremony our own way, without the need to convince a clergy member that this time we knew it would work, or have long conversations about our relationship with someone we didn’t know well.

I decided that Milestones Ministry would be about helping people celebrate the milestones in their life the way THEY wanted it to be. And that’s our motto still today: “Celebrate YOUR Life YOUR Way".

When I work with a couple for a wedding ceremony my first question is if they want a secular civil ceremony or a spiritual one.

The discussion can go many ways; some people want a civil ceremony with a prayer, some want a theme based on a favorite poem or song, some want the bare minimum and to be on their way.

Other couples have a more detailed plan with many possible readings, sand ceremonies, candles, songs, and prayers.

I do whatever they want

Whatever their answer, whatever they want- I do it. If it doesn’t exist, then I create it.

Over the years I’ve found that I’m very comfortable creating a ceremony for people that were born into different faiths, who may have parents that expect some particular element to occur, and that want to honor the past generations while remaining true to their own feelings and creeds.

It can be a fine line, but I am comfortable being on that line and making the day one that is perfectly them.

I’ve created a simple one-page planning form to guide the wedding discussion, a way-too-long-to-believe menu of readings/rituals/prayers/vows/extras from which to create a ceremony, and a very simple guide for the couple that wants to create their own vows. Of course, I will write their vows for them if they wish, too.

Milestones Along the Way

The first official ceremony I did was a baptism. That little baby had two godfathers; one was attending via Zoom as he was serving in the military. The monitor was propped up on an ironing board and the baby contentedly sucked on her pacifier throughout.

The next was a wedding ceremony in which the family also participated, leading prayer and doing readings. I did note several in attendance that were watching me closely. I admit to imposter syndrome that was only alleviated when they came up to tell me that i seemed ‘too short to be doing this”. Some things you just can’t get around, I suppose.

I’ve had a wedding with a Disney theme, where the attendants wore Tinkerbell wings and threw sparkles; I shed glitter the rest of the day every time I moved my head.

The first funeral was the grandmother of a friend. Although I had it written out, started and guided the event along- it was the family and their love that sanctified the day.

The first wedding at my home was right after Michigan legalized same sex unions. The two brides had been together over 30 years and they said that this was just a formality. During the ceremony they surprised each other with rings each had purchased for the other, and both had to stop speaking when the emotion seeped from their eyes during their vows.

The images in this article are cairns, towers of stone made by hand to mark a momentous moment or place, to celebrate a milestone achieved, to mark a bend in the trail. I use the image of a cairn for Milestones Ministry. Each bend in the road is an opportunity to pause, to reflect, to celebrate, to mourn.

It has been 22+ years since I hit ‘send’ and applied to Rose Ministries for ordination, I never could have imagined that day the blessings that exercising my desire to minister would bring.

You can follow Milestones Ministry on Facebook, or let me know in the comments if you’d like me to help you mark the milestones of your life in the way that is most meaningful to you, or are interested in the tools I've created to write your own ceremony or vows.

Freebie #1: My first wedding experience was memorable for other reasons.

Freebie #2 (Content Warning- may be triggering for some people)

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