The voices ahh! These voices in my head. I’m not talking when u say something in ur head. I am saying full blown loud in your ears voices. It is not something people want to talk about if you are hearing them. I figured I would, since I am pretty open about it as I can be and I would like to connect with others who might be going through the same thing. In hopes that we can gain comfort with the simple fact that we are not alone in this. Alone, although I’m far from alone I am feeling extremely alone in this battle. Well I do not want to so much call it battle, but an experience. My mind has playing tricks on me. Who would have thought in their right mind this would happen to them. Go about doing what you have to in life to be at a screeching halt bam in limbo. When everybody moved along to the now future, and the past lagging behind. Your stuck arguing with these fucking menaces or demons whatever you would like to call them. Constantly leaving you in flight or fight mode just awaiting for that cancer to manifest and metastasize. I feel these voices want me dead not to kill me so much , but to make me get rid of them myself. They are out for blood, pulling out any dark emotional abuse they can possibly throw at you. When you do not fight back or pay them no mind they get louder, then when your finally weak enough they pounce for blood until your this lifeless bloody sack of shit. This is exactly how I feel when I am laying there as shit and they keep going until you just start having fantasies of the unaliving misconception of truth that sometimes……..death is better. Nothing else really matters at that moment of suffering, I mean there really is not anything that could be worse. You really cannot look at who you have become and really want to go back. All that is replaying in your head is relief. It is difficult to get out of that mindset it really is I mean it is possible but it requires a lot of teeth, nails and hair. Drugs make it worse or make you feel dead anyways so why even bother. Every person here will never take you serious if you tell them you hear things, what you say is never valid ever again, and you end up feeling just as alone as ever with a bunch of people pointing and staring. Relationships just dwindle down a spiral of deception and betrayal. In a sea of heartbreak floating not knowing where you should go, and have no paddle. You have no choice but to just sit in it bask in it. Trying not to drown completely and gasping for air you take a fucking chance. Whatever it may be for anyone else you just go ahead and go for it. I move tomorrow nobody knows but a few people using the wind to push me because I have no strength to paddle. Will it be better will it be worse who knows. Do I really have to know? Maybe not where I go, but I do need to have an understanding of my recent past. Will I get it? Probably not. Hopefully. Maybe I gotta find another exit in this labyrinth and relive every dark turn crevasseand secret opening that I might have missed, before I can get to this exit. Well tomorrow I begin a new chapter with a bittersweet feeling of the last chapter. I found that for these kinds of chapters, I realize they were necessary for growth sometimes you have to take that scary jump to try something again or new or even both simultaneously. Sense is not made to me anymore it has to be made by me. Everything I knew I no longer do. For the better or worse I mean which is which. My brain thinks in all ways you can possibly think tends to drive me mad. I lay here in hopes the truth and relief unfold soon because I do not know if I will get out of this one. High hopes,just copeing with this experience trying to keep breathing air not water. Life can feel like a curse, a punishment, but I will keep searching, searching for a reason again. Search for me again.
About the Creator
aysha valenzuela
Hello I live in the desert hiding in the shade from the beautiful powerful sun in az. I’ve lived all over southwest I dig experiences meeting new peeps and music is life. I am a nomad,I go where the wind takes me I’mhoping it blows me east.
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Round-a-bout my perception of myself
An incredible story I remembered today, a story to give you inspiration, a story that is real as ever, and a story in which you tell yourself well fuck if he could do it despite hurdles, I can too. It all begins at my job tired and waiting to get my last massage over with. Summoning what was left of my energy, I looked at my schedule and found a name that I found kind of funny yet unforgettable. For the privacy of this angel we will call him gw. Anyways my schedule indicated he was checked in, so like a boxer going into the ring getting ready to kick ass I went out to the lobby to greet him. I walked out he looked like I thought he wouldn’t, but I mean i don’t know what I was expecting. He was a tall, stalky man very soft spoken and very sweet. I started my massage and of course my clients cannot help but ignite the small talk in the beginning, which I don’t mind at all I love to talk so if my clients are willing I’m yo lady. Small talk usually consist of how long I been a therapist? Do I like it? And where am I from? Deeper into convo this man had said he had an interesting career. This man made pretty damn good money designing Round-A-bouts in the city in which he lived. Now my first question was how did you fall into something that cool. I know I never thought that would be a career, but someone does have to design them. My mind was intrigued so I questioned him about it. He told me that when he was younger he had a terrible accident in which he could not remember any part of his life prior not even his own mom, he was only 5 years old. This accident had affected the rest of his life. Imagine being without the memory of bonding with family members like we all do when we are babies. This blew my mind so he wanted to find a practical way to slow down drivers. To prevent accidents like his. He explained that stop lights are a lot more dangerous and did not get people to slow down. Rebellious in nature what do we truthfully do when we see a yellow light. Guilty. He continued by saying Round-A-Bouts made us have to slow down. So this man did some extensive research and it led him to the U.K. where round-a-bouts were prominent. Here he is in the U.S. designing them. It just blew me away how easy this man set a goal and executed, despite a brain injury which had impaired him in some ways. That was like so out of reach in my mind. Wow I know many people that would not even think twice about this story as fucking amazing. For me this confirmed that my perception of my future was so out of reach. Here I am doing all these visualizations and law of attraction exercises and this man just had a strong passion to help, he did some research and accomplished his goal like effortlessly. I’ve come to realize that all my efforts and exercises and meditation results in nada, without a specific spark that ultimately can impact others in a positive way. I now have to take in a couple of steps back in time to find that passion that I had when I was younger. I say this and go back to my youth, because for some reason the only things I can imagine me doing are not any of my passions. The only things I can think of are careers that make good money, careers that society would approve of, which I’m interested in, but not passionate about. I guess they could make a difference, but how would I make a difference if I was not passionate about it. Another thing that intrigued me was I watched a documentary on the Secrets of Water . This documentary spoke about how water traveled it’s path with very smooth gradual turns, and how water does not just go straight nor stop. Water goes around things that block it, it stops for a nobody unless it’s man-made but I bet it puts up a fight. We are made with about 70% water maybe, this may be why we tend to not listen to that yellow light law, and feel compelled to do quite the opposite. This is only my observation, I am not any way shape or form a professional on any of those subjects, but I mean it makes sense, and it’s quite interesting to me. Moving a long I’ve come to realize that if I cannot fathom the incredible, I cannot be incredible. I do what I want, and believe I can do anything. This motto is how I am living my life nowadays. I feel I was meant to hear the story for a reason, just another breadcrumb to achieve my goals. I would just like to let the universe know that I understand what they’re trying to tell me and thank you GW for laying on my table and sharing your story. You are an amazing soul.
By aysha valenzuela3 years ago in Journal
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