aysha valenzuela
Bio
Hello I live in the desert hiding in the shade from the beautiful powerful sun in az. I’ve lived all over southwest I dig experiences meeting new peeps and music is life. I am a nomad,I go where the wind takes me I’mhoping it blows me east.
Stories (30/0)
Farza tales
There once was a time where we were complete strangers. Connected by blood, but never in the slightest did we know anything about each other. You left when I was little, such vague memories I had of you for a very long time. I grew up never knowing my worth, or never knowing how a man was to treat me. These vital lessons every girl should learn. Until that one snowy night when I called you to save me from the gates of hell. I had not gone in at that time (hell I mean), because you drove 13 hours to pick me up. I remember when I got in to that rental a mess, smelling of truck stop, my heart broken, and full of fear. As I got into your vehicle to head “home” (at least for the time being) it was like getting into a strangers car. The whole way was an awkward silence. I had nothing but the clothes on my back from snowy Colorado to the sunny state of California. I had been apart from my kids, just like you were from us. I remember my entire time getting to really know you. With the gift of walking in your shoes for a couple months astrayed from my babies, I understood why you were absent. I understood why you too were separated from me. My time with you definitely closed chapters and started new ones. I realized how alike we were in so many ways. All the times when I was little where my mom would yell at me “that I would end up like my fucking dad” at the time I feared. Those fears were put to rest because you were pretty fucking awesome dad. I was able to hear your side of the story, not only my mothers which made you out to be some horrible person. I realized that the longer you were away from us the harder it must of been to face us, because that’s exactly how I felt. I remember we saw Led Zepplica a cover band of Led Zeppelin, I was so excited to experience that with you because my mom always said you loved them when I was little. So this became one of my favorite bands because of you. My sons middle name is Zeppelin. We sang every song at the top of our lungs. When we went dancing at that Mexican restaurant by the house, with that cowboy hat of yours. Having a Redskins jersey in your closet when you were a Raiders fan, just because they played on the Super Bowl I was born on. How can I ever forget the infamous shorts with your big long boots saying creepily “mad max, mad max”. I am so happy that I got these memories with you, gratitude engulfs my heart when I think about all those mistakes I made at that time that led me to get to know you. Led me to fucking heal. You told me during that time “it took 34 years to get you back”. I replied “kicking yourself in the ass now”. You came back with and I will never forget “no it’s bitchin”. I understood you more than you will ever know. I know why you did not say anything about your illness. I know because I would have done the same thing. It just fucking came to me as I write this that you were a free bird on earth, and have to be even more free after death. The ultimate freedom dad you so deserve it. Thank you for the clarity you left behind and the people you brought back into my life. I love you dad and I will miss you dearly catch you on the flip side.
By aysha valenzuela11 months ago in Humans
Forgive
Dear Mr.blue That is what I will refer to you as in this letter. I am writing this to express some pain I have been enduring. Through all these painful memories that keep surfacing up as I attempt to heal my heart. I have come to a realization that I need to forgive you and let what you have done to tear me down, humiliate, and caused me such pain, that I can never recover from. I have learned that the pain that you have caused I will never recover from it, I can only rebuild. Before I can even think about rebuilding on a sketchy foundation I gotta get rid of this hate. I dislike carrying around hatred, for it only weighs me down. The more my hatred grew for you the more I found more emptiness inside. I have to stop feeding this hatred so I can fullfill my soul with love again. Hatred makes me empty. Things are happening in my life great things, things I never thought I would ever be able to do. Dreams that I had given up on. They say god works in mysterious ways doors have been opening for me. I have found a flow. The one branch that keeps holding me back is my hate. So I will not continue to let you have such power in my life anymore. The more I start to wrap my head around everything that has happened these past years, I begin to have an understanding that some humans are evil, not because they are born that way. Only because life’s hardships has made them this way. Survival you might say. I am not condoning what you have done to me, and I am not denying my part either. I had to find compassion for myself and forgive myself for allowing you to continuously hurt me over and over. Now it is time I dig deep, real deep for the compassion to forgive you. I have to forgive you and forget you. I guess my attachment to you ran so deep that I was willing to hang on to the last thing I had from you. The ruins in which my pain lives, my heart, my mind, my soul. I am now so willing to let it go. It no longer gives me a sense of comfort, only anger. Anger is no good for the liver and after all the crazy drug use and drinking my liver has endured my luck is probably running low. So Mr. Blue I release this hatred towards you and forgive you for everything I know that you have done and all I do not. I wish you the best in life. I wish that you find happiness within you, and find whatever it is you are looking for. May you prosper,and finally know the importance of peace of mind. I find myself wanting to text you but I know you have moved on and respect you and her. Because I know how that feels to be in her spot if I were to text you, and you being compelled to hide something from her. That is not my style. This was the only way to forgive you, let go, and rebuild on a non hating foundation. I came up with wisdom I endured a whole lot of lessons Mr.blue 101. I got to find out a lot about myself in my darkest hour. I finally got sober, found a new purpose in life, and a new perspective so for all of this I thank you. You were not a waste of time after all.
By aysha valenzuelaabout a year ago in Journal
Light thieves
Someone near and dear to me and I were reminiscing on some bad times and good times. I stated “I would have gone to the gates of hell and back with you”. He replied “uuumm ya kind of did”. “The gates of hell”. At that time I thought of hell as this firey underground place that creatures roamed in the darkness to torture your soul for eternity. Hey I grew up catholic. After my run in with well insanity. I realized hell for me or to be specific the gates of hell would be what you would call the “mouth of madness”. When I met this other person we will refer to him as “him”. He lured me in by intriguing my curiosity. I had seen something so beautiful and mysterious about him. Although he never has seen how beautiful he truly is, and probably will never see. Because all that beauty is plagued with pain. I knew this to be so, first time I met him. Which is the reason I was so forgiving, and patient with him. My light shined bright in this darkness, he saw the direction he wanted to go and left me, all alone. As I struggled to keep my broken heart from turning off my light. Acting like a lighthouse. Little did I know he never needed a lighthouse and knew how to find me light off or on. When my light would just give out three days later, he would sneak up behind me big spooning and engulf my body. This was just enough to light my light, again. As soon as my light would show him his direction he was was off again. Leaving me alone and heartbroken again. Leaving my light to burnout and die. Again in the dark I stayed alone. Terrified losing my mind completely. My imagination ran wild with the lack of light to illuminate what I was hearing. I would get so tired of fighting, with the demons that lured and crept around. When I would finally sleep, three days later he snuck up behind me engulfing me again, and on my light came back. I wanted to find an escape from this darkness. So I left, and headed the direction in which I started this journey. Begging me to come back, manipulating me to help him find his way out the darkness. My compassion for this man was so great I went back. He showered me of promises that lasted a week. When the madness began to engulf me he saw a direction to leave with my light and left. Left me alone to battle these demons alone. One moment I was trying to find an escape route, the next moment I realized that I had wandered way too far in to just find the entrance. I had to come out the other side. This was the conclusion I came to believe. I wandered about until I finally found an exit sign right next to a hospital sign. I knew that this was going to be my exit my escape finally, even though I had been locked up here before. This time was different because the timing was off when I was locked up there before. This moment, this time was the time in which I could escape. My intuition has told me so. Did I truly believe in my heart that I was going to escape. Hell no! I just surrendered and let the current do the rest. It was like a hospital in a war, all these warriors have had thier light stolen, and purposely used up by people whom did not deserve thier light. Spiritually wounded, and debilitated these people were. They were going through the same spiritual journey as myself. Satan himself was the pill pusher(psychiatrist). Making out specially made cocktails for each and every warrior in this hospital. This had one purpose and one purpose only, to make them never rejuvenate thier light again. If you abided by this, only then can you exit the world of madness. I abided instead of just leaving satan said.” You ever thought about rehab.” I guess his game plan was to keep me locked up even longer to eventually break my spirit, but I knew in my heart that I had to go in to get out. As I used this time for healing, trying my best to keep my light strong even with the meds at work. Laughter was the key to keep my illuminating ass shining. As I left the dark underworld. I remembered how afraid I was to even go in, and as I left out that exit door I had seen earlier. I looked at myself, saw my light shining and thought, I am not as afraid as I used to be. I am not afraid to get heartbroken I am not afraid of losing my light because I kept getting that shit back. Just because one muddafucka take your shit, don’t mean you can not get it back. Sometimes you got to go in balls deep somewhere dark that scares the fuck out of you. When you leave you will be a less afraid of shit you were before. I remember thinking to myself as I step outside those doors. No fear, you are in the clear.
By aysha valenzuelaabout a year ago in Humans
Addictive personality anonymous
When u have an addiction and I mean, this can apply to anyone with an addiction. From something as small as a technology addiction, to a full blown opiate addiction. I found the addiction that makes my world fall to pieces are TOXIC relationships. I want to speak of this because, it really doesn’t get talked about too often. I would also consider myself to be a functional addict, I have been all my life. This addiction has been the one to make me hit rock bottom. Not once but twice. I mean it knocks me on my ass homeless, jobless, and hopeless. I kept on running back to it like a fien. It’s like the addiction causes me to make these delusions of the dynamics of the relationship. A delusion that this man loves me, that he treats me well sometimes, and that he really truly loves me. Like all the lies he gave me, I gave myself the same lies to myself. I let it drive me absolutely insane and the longer I stayed in it. The harder it was to control my thoughts, and life was so worthless without it. Sobriety has always been a miserable place for me. I had a realization in rehab that I was actually getting clean from the last relationship. Meth was just a plus. Meth just allowed me to keep the delusion going as long as it did, it was the energy source to allow me to continue to lie to myself. So without the energy source I have found the delusion continues, in my sobriety, but has no strength when I remember the pain, the heartache, the chaos. Anger, hate, and frustration musters about in my mind which helps rational thinking lurk on in. I knew better than to keep allowing this to continue. I keep telling this myself. I was addicted to the drama I made up in my mind. The drama, I craved. Rational thought comes in and explains to myself. I craved it because of the lack of attention, the rejection, the times he ignored me like I didn’t matter, when he so fucking mattered to me, the times when he lied to me, the times when my feelings were never valid, and when he laid his fucking hands on me. I know how sad this sounds, but people don’t realize how crazy you can drive someone when you don’t have any intention to grow with someone, but the other has every intention to grow with you and then some. The lies to yourself continue to eat away at your soul. Just like it does in any addiction. This is why you hear of crazy relationships when drugs involved. They are the perfect recipe for disaster. I have learned in order to overcome this is to refrain from him completely and meth. This combination of chaos has caused me to lose the one thing I hold very dear to me and this was my mind. The wisdom I have obtained the experiences the memories. It has quieted a lot of the day, but some days worse than others. The delusion continues. Cruising through my mind when things get quiet, when I have nothing to do with my hands. I know now the saying “idol hands are the devils playground”. These delusions were simply evil entities that saw, and used my heartache and pain I was enduring as a door that was wide open to sneak on into my mind. It was also an opportunity for another human being to obtain power over me. I will always remember never to allow myself to give my power again. If I can look for the silver lining in this situation I would have to say well, my sobriety. A new perspective, a new view on life something I oh, so craved I just did not know it.
By aysha valenzuelaabout a year ago in Confessions
Dreaming hearts and pain
As I drifted off to sleep in the love of my life’s arms. Feeling safe comforted and loved. Feet entangled naked after making love, feeling all the dopamine and all the feel good chemicals running around in my brain. I started to hear these voices. No people, just voices. To my surprise I knew these voices. They were lovers it was my lover and hers, to my surprise it was not mine. As I cried on the floor as these voices continued to be loving in the next room, outside the window, and in bathroom. I looked outside and saw the full moon shining so bright in its beauty. I stared begging for help to take this heavy sadness and dispair of of my heart. I could not stand it, the heart was so heavy. If the moon could take just one oz of this pain I could at least take my stand. After that I know I would be able to take my first step to a new life. A new life to love myself as much as I loved him. I gave him my love even the reserves I had for myself. It was so hard to give those up but I did and now I’m down on this floor with no love for me no longer. I cried myself dry, these tears no longer pour. Dried mucous swollen sinuses, pain in my chest “please”! I cried “take just a little bit I can’t take this” “I promise I will take these first steps with the intent of loving myself again”. “Every step I take I will take to shed this weight so I do not have to give you anymore. I know most of ur weight on your moon thigh is mine”. The moon has taken so much of my pain, that in itself was so much weight how could I bear to give it anymore. I can feel the weight getting heavier and heavier like two magnets and these voices continued on with thier inults thier mockery and thier evil stunts. Fantasizing death to the most sexiest of forms. As death teased and teased leaving me with the hardest of hard ons for death. I layed there with a heavier heart and a hard on. The discomfort was so real and concerning because I kind of knew it was only a dream. As I layed there with bodily fluids seeping out of my body. I heard a person snoring only my theory at that moment. Was it was myself? I soon realized it was my love which helped me realize that it was only a dream. A sigh of relief came upon my body and the love I had for this man gave me hope. Hope to come back from this god awful nightmare. I opened my eyes and as I realized I was back inside my body I turned to the right. Saw the drooling love of my life sleeping looking so fucking handsome. The full moon shone through the window upon him. And I fell in love all over again, despite all he had done that day that caused me grief. I myself am sure I do the same. I kissed his head layed back down and wondered what would I do if that was real no would we still be togeather. I hate to say it but I love him so much I had probably have to get over it. I know there is so much love for each other that the only way for us to split is if he had pushed me away. Then I would know he had no more love for me and I would have to just keep on trucking in The dark abyss we call life alone, well not alone with me and I am ok with that too.
By aysha valenzuelaabout a year ago in Filthy
Aware of this thorn in my ass.
Towers, obstacles, trenches, problemas, whatever you may feel the need to call them. They all share a common theme “a thorn in the ass”. Something that has the capacity to bring you pain, fear,misery, and some kind of negative feeling, well usually. And as you muster the strength to pull this monstrosity from within your flesh, wherever this pain is it can also bring courage, determination, and finally relief. On the other hand fear can definitely overcome all and cause u to feel betrayal, resentment, and phobias. I strongly believe two emotions actually exist in this universe that is love and fear. Every other emotion are simply symptoms of these two. My theory is our complex human persona, our state of being you might say. Cannot do nothing more but to complicate things. Humans tend to stay in this sea of complications till death, unless an awakening takes place in their life. I know this word is thrown around in such away it gets confusing as to what it is. I am here to tell you it is what you believe it to be. To myself I believe it to be a clear awareness of self and it’s relationship to everything and every one. Looking at the big picture and realizing how simple things really can be and how you have every tool you will ever need to overcome all, within you. My truth sounded so complicated, you can see where my place in my awakening is. The only thing that seperates us is perspective “ My bad” may not be on the same scale as “your bad”. It awakes you to feel connection as a whole. Like the emotions that come when you initially get that thorn in your ass as to the emotions when you have to pull it and the relief after. All connects, in this perfect balance that we tend to overlook and take for granted. Our body, our vessel for example, functions in the most intricate tedious way and we do not have to be conciously aware to make it live, such as breathing. This awareness gives you the power to reflect on self, thus realizing everything and anything about you. Learning to have absolute unconditional love for you. One of the steps I took to change my life was a New Years resolution. A New Years resolution I will never forget and was the beginning to this path I have been longing to place my feet on, but did not know it even existed for me. That resolution was to stop talking shit to myself and if I did by accident replace it right away with something positive as soon as you became aware. It was enough to make shit start to look better for the situation I was in at the time. That was enough proof to spark that I was important enough to talk to me right. Talk to me from a place of compassion, love, and forgiveness. Omg forgiveness for self is so important. Some other human could have done the worst thing possible, and I would have the capacity to forgive them , but never felt worthy of forgiveness for myself. I still to this day struggle with this. I do know for a fact and nothing can ever take this away is I am worthy, so all I got to do is remember that everything else will fall into place, after I remember that. So if I can give advice to anyone about starting their path to self love. I would simply ask if they knew if they were worthy. If the answer was NO my advice would be to find it. That’s it.
By aysha valenzuelaabout a year ago in Humans
Hope as I cope
The voices ahh! These voices in my head. I’m not talking when u say something in ur head. I am saying full blown loud in your ears voices. It is not something people want to talk about if you are hearing them. I figured I would, since I am pretty open about it as I can be and I would like to connect with others who might be going through the same thing. In hopes that we can gain comfort with the simple fact that we are not alone in this. Alone, although I’m far from alone I am feeling extremely alone in this battle. Well I do not want to so much call it battle, but an experience. My mind has playing tricks on me. Who would have thought in their right mind this would happen to them. Go about doing what you have to in life to be at a screeching halt bam in limbo. When everybody moved along to the now future, and the past lagging behind. Your stuck arguing with these fucking menaces or demons whatever you would like to call them. Constantly leaving you in flight or fight mode just awaiting for that cancer to manifest and metastasize. I feel these voices want me dead not to kill me so much , but to make me get rid of them myself. They are out for blood, pulling out any dark emotional abuse they can possibly throw at you. When you do not fight back or pay them no mind they get louder, then when your finally weak enough they pounce for blood until your this lifeless bloody sack of shit. This is exactly how I feel when I am laying there as shit and they keep going until you just start having fantasies of the unaliving misconception of truth that sometimes……..death is better. Nothing else really matters at that moment of suffering, I mean there really is not anything that could be worse. You really cannot look at who you have become and really want to go back. All that is replaying in your head is relief. It is difficult to get out of that mindset it really is I mean it is possible but it requires a lot of teeth, nails and hair. Drugs make it worse or make you feel dead anyways so why even bother. Every person here will never take you serious if you tell them you hear things, what you say is never valid ever again, and you end up feeling just as alone as ever with a bunch of people pointing and staring. Relationships just dwindle down a spiral of deception and betrayal. In a sea of heartbreak floating not knowing where you should go, and have no paddle. You have no choice but to just sit in it bask in it. Trying not to drown completely and gasping for air you take a fucking chance. Whatever it may be for anyone else you just go ahead and go for it. I move tomorrow nobody knows but a few people using the wind to push me because I have no strength to paddle. Will it be better will it be worse who knows. Do I really have to know? Maybe not where I go, but I do need to have an understanding of my recent past. Will I get it? Probably not. Hopefully. Maybe I gotta find another exit in this labyrinth and relive every dark turn crevasseand secret opening that I might have missed, before I can get to this exit. Well tomorrow I begin a new chapter with a bittersweet feeling of the last chapter. I found that for these kinds of chapters, I realize they were necessary for growth sometimes you have to take that scary jump to try something again or new or even both simultaneously. Sense is not made to me anymore it has to be made by me. Everything I knew I no longer do. For the better or worse I mean which is which. My brain thinks in all ways you can possibly think tends to drive me mad. I lay here in hopes the truth and relief unfold soon because I do not know if I will get out of this one. High hopes,just copeing with this experience trying to keep breathing air not water. Life can feel like a curse, a punishment, but I will keep searching, searching for a reason again. Search for me again.
By aysha valenzuela2 years ago in Journal
Love letter
when can you honestly say that someone truly does love you. When someone tells you, showers you with gifts, or actions?I believe actions speak louder than words and, think I can honestly say that he loves me. I never believed he did based on my fears of rejection and insecurities. From these last few weeks when I was on the brink of letting this go he went along and showed me. I do not know why these events have been the one to show me, but he has really stepped up and showed me that he does love me. I have never felt so loved in my life. He is not one to express how he feels too much , but love is a feeling caused by actions. I fell in love for just the fact we connected in a wonderfully beautiful way, and kinda just went along with it loving unconditionally we have had our ups and downs at our ups I loved him and at our downs I loved, hated and, missed him all at the same time. Weather we were up, or down I would have been there for him no matter what if he needed me. No matter what happens I hope he knows I got him. He can count on me no matter how fucking mad I am at him. The biggest thing I learned is never love unconditionally if ur going to lose love for yourself and I was close but I am so happy I did not give up on this love. Falling in love is the greatest part for a lot of people, personally I love the part after the turmoil, because the fact that you got through it together loving each other still. Makes you love each other even more. The fact that this man would stick by me and do anything to make sure I was ok. This is my favorite. I think because it takes a lot of forgiveness for each other and ourselves. That when someone forgives you it makes you see how much your presence is really loved and appreciated, right next to them. Forgiveness, gratitude, and love are such powerful feelings they can make things for the better happen. Becoming a dynamic powerful manifesting duo. Creating beautiful music to this time and space. Creating a family, a business, anything created to contribute to the beauty of life. I do not know what exactly hit me in the head to realize this man loves me, I am so happy it did. I had a feeling that if I stuck it out it would be worth it, and he pushed the envelope a bit, but that’s just him I love even that about him. I have many flaws and I am so grateful he accepts and appreciates me for me, well at least I hope he does. He stuck around so that has got to say it all. I do not know what bug crawled in my butt to motivate me to write this . But baby if you are reading this I want to let you know I love your everything that makes you.I appreciate everything you do for me and the rest of the world. I am grateful you took a chance on me. Because The odds were slim of making it out with me.I was unhealed, lost, and no purpose(well no worthy purpose) until you came into my life. So for this baby I want to tell you again and again how much I absolutely love you and hope you can be a presence in my life no matter what title we give it. Again I thank you. Love always baby.
By aysha valenzuela2 years ago in Confessions
Morning melancholy
I fucking get advice from here and there. Do I ever listen well I take it with a grain of salt. At this moment in time and space I wish I had taken advice. Feeling foolish, blind, and in love I hung on. Even when my body and mind were against it. I hung on for dear life in hopes that he would see how much I loved him and would I guess maybe change his ways. I know better than to try to change anyone I do not know why I hung on for so long. He just had a grip on me. I have a bad habit of falling hard for these undeserving men. The typical cliche toxic relationships woman falls hard for man. Man is ungrateful and woman feels unappreciated then speaks about it man gets angry, says it’s her fault then Denys anything he does gaslighting her to think she is crazy. After this point in the relationship you feel so fucking drained and weak and undeserving of what little love he is willing to throw at you. He would not even argue with me that’s how much of his energy was spent on me. Nothing. Ignoring anything I ever said. I fell in love with the man because he used to say he loved that I talked and he would listen. It got to a point where I could see it in his eyes he never wanted me there, he couldn’t wait for me to go. Let me tell you it was the worst feeling in the world. If I could get any insight from a man why he would stay with someone that he could not stand being around it would help me with closure. It made me think of the “water experiment”, conducted by Dr. Masaru Emoto. He had 3 flasks with rice and water. The first one he spoke wonderful words, the second one he spoke horrible words, the third was completely ignored. The worst one ended up being the ignored one. Being that we are made up of mostly water, well u can do the math. It made me feel so terrible so much worse then getting choked or hit by someone you love so much. I hear him constantly yelling obscenities all night with his boo thang. My imagination or not. I have a strong feeling it’s real, but the only thing that makes me question is. If he didn’t even put any energy into us in our relationship what makes me think he would waste his gas and time on me. My mind cannot fathom it, I must be going insane. Always expecting a different outcome.
By aysha valenzuela2 years ago in Humans
Me, myself in mirrors
There are times in life when you will be shown a mirror, and light will shine on every part of your being. Just like a photo shoot when there are all those lights shining on you and you can see every blemish every wrinkle on your face. Or at the clothing department all those bright lights make you see your love handles and fupa times 20, so nothing looks good. So you think. This mirror is designed to make you see yourself and shine light, and what I mean by shine light I mean “deal with it “ and finally face, heal, love and accept whatever it is that lingers in the dark corners and crevasses of your soul. It does not discriminate on age, race, nor gender. When it happens it hits you and there is no turning back. You will never again be the same person you once were. I can only speak from a person whom is currently going through this dark period. I mean right smack in the middle of the chaos, and not from the perspective of a person whom has gotten through this, and has transmuted it, to wisdom for the good of themselves and the collective. The light at the end, of one of the tunnels they say. I can tell you that I know with every oz of my being, that this too shall pass, I just have to let it run it’s course. I am growing from this and it is getting easier to observe and reflect on myself. So those messy, dark, and misunderstood corners, that I have been acting like I never see them. Those corners that never get light because I never wanted to deal with them yet. They are showing me the things I did not want to aknowledge about myself. I have learned that those misunderstood corners about myself need love and with love comes understanding, and with understanding finally acceptance. It’s like telling myself “look I see you really fucked up there and still fuckup from time to time, but there is nothing to be ashamed of I love you regardless” I am working on showing forgiveness, and love to those not so pretty aspects of myself. Accepting every single sliver of self. After all what is dark without light and vice versa. I am not saying I am all good now. I am not saying I am sane now. I am not saying I have forgiven my dark spaces. I believe we never really stop having to do this. I believe that it does get easier to do as we live on. It’s about knowing self, if you know yourself I mean every bit, up to date version of self. There comes an understanding of the universe. After all is that not what we all seem to look for every life. This place I stand in this time and space so far, has brought light to my addictions. Which has brought up the question. Why?After all nobody is seven years old and says they would love to be an addict when they grow up. It is not a Very easy life. I will say that has gotten me through a lot of hard times in my life, and learned at a very young age that I could use this as a “crutch” to get through what I needed to get through. From prescription pills antidepressants, alcohol, to street drugs. I was young and learned that these substances would get me out of an uncomfortable situation. This light seems to shine its light on my secret. My silent “crutch” that hides in the corner in the dark. In this dark corner, I ended up finding my 12 year old self confused depressed, unsure, and a strong sense of feeling unsafe in this world. She knew there was much danger to come, but was naive and hopeful at the same time. Although this young girl hid herself I knew she was there, but never wanted to even acknowledge her. I would look, and would tell my self not yet. I kept putting it off , and putting it off. Until this intruding light came shining in exposing everything I hid. All the dirt under the rugs, or when you throw your shit under the bed. All in hopes your mom does not find out, or look under the bed to expose all your dirty laundry. So this is the first time I have acknowledged her and this is the first time that I have actually thought about really stopping. I am not saying right now, that I am going to stop right away, but this is the actual first time that I have really thought about stopping. I have never felt strong enough to even think about doing that. Not even voices in my head made me want to stop. It is what they made me feel like. These voices beat me down so bad that I became this useless version of myself lx eh be unable to even fight back anymore, she was so completely drained of her essence. In this dark place I have slowly, but surely been picking myself up, because I am completely alone in this. The ones closest to me to do not understand me so I am up against this alone. Only I can bring myself out I do not want to use anybody as a “crutch” because I am trying to end that cycle, and as I realized that I am doing this alone. Moving forward, baby steps, but I move, and it has made me realize that I might be strong enough to not need a “crutch” anymore. This mirror is a powerful one. And speaking from someone in the mouth of madness it is probably the hardest thing you will ever experience, but like I said I feel that the light is close, and the run is almost over. One day, I will be grateful for this opportunity.
By aysha valenzuela2 years ago in Psyche
