HomeTown

I'm back in my hometown. The one place I never wanted to be in again. When she died I ran as fast and as far as I could. I stopped feeling and started just moving with flow. I refused to feel that much hurt. I stayed inside until moving day afraid I would go out and someone would ask about her and I couldn’t handle that. I didn't want to admit she was gone and I would never have a home to go to again.

It was our family home for over thirty years and just like that it was gone. All of it. Nothing would ever be the same. I would never be the same.

She never prepared me for what this world would be like without her in it. She never explained how painful it would be to tell everyone she was gone.

It tore a hole in my heart to watch her fade away and have to say goodbye. I did it alone too so that made it even harder. Everyone left me when we needed them the most and I never understood why. She might not have been a saint but I was there for everyone.. And they couldn’t even show up for me.

There were no flowers. Nobody showed up to just hang out and make sure we were okay. There were no wishes of hope for things to get better. It was just sadness and hurt. Listened to her apologize for all the wrong she did over the years and watch her slowly fade away. The most traumatizing experience of my life and I did it alone and hoped for the best and got the worst.

I prayed.

I hoped.

I cried.

And I did it all alone.. Only one listening was god. Nothing has ever hurt that bad. Losing her changed how I seen the world and people.

And now that I am back I have to feel.. I have to figure out how to cope in this new world without her in it.. And I genuinely have no idea how. It's easier said than done. I can't even think about her without wanting to cry. I miss her so much. Our relationship wasn't the greatest but losing her like that was not how I expected things to end.

Everyday felt like it was in on slow motion.

Being here is harder than I could ever imagine. I've spent the last year not thinking about it and hoping that one day I could understand how to live without her but there have been so many moments that I wanted to call her and talk to her about our lives and just hear her voice. Had to remind myself so many times that she wasn’t here anymore.

I don’t have many regrets in my life but not having the relationship we should have had will always be my biggest. I listened to her apologize about it in the end too which makes the grief so much worse. I never thought I would feel this bad.. But I do.. We spent most of her days on this earth fighting and arguing because she never seen anything I did as good enough. She criticized everything I ever did. I could never make her happy. She waited until her dying days to tell me she was sorry and had no idea why she was apologizing. Her dementia made it hard for her to remember everything but she knew she was wrong.

Listening to it every day because she would forget she already apologized the day before was even harder.

My emotions were constantly everywhere and I had no idea how to get them under control. I am still struggling to get them under control and it's been an entire year. I went as far as getting medicated because I was unable to control it myself.

I just wish I had one more day with her while she knows what's going on so I could tell her why I deserved an apology and actually apologize for my wrong in all of it. But I won't ever get that.

Now I am full of anger and rage. All the pain is just built up because I didn't let anything out I just suppressed it and kept moving… now I don’t know how to get it out without wanting to break stuff. Just scream and break stuff.

This is pain on a whole new level and honestly it's taking everything I have not to ruin my sobriety. Just drown it all out with drugs and not feel anything. Just be numb.

I am not sure what happens next but I know something has to give. I don't know how much more I can handle.