Hello and Goodbye

As I sit here, classical music playing, piano strings serenading, this moment feels surreal. Exactly eleven months ago, I was drowning, loosing sight of the shore, grasping and gasping for air, my world imploding. I thought that I lost it all, that I failed and that my life was practically over.

Why did I give myself a timeframe? What could possibly be on the other side of that timeline? I didn't want to consider it. I didn't want to fail but I felt like I had and I couldn't remember how to swim, so I sank.

About six months ago, I remembered how to float so I came to the surface and stayed there. Happy to not be drowning but floating, still no forward motion... There I remained for the better part of eight months, motionless, frozen, waiting for a ship to pass by and a lifesaver to be thrown overboard, just for me to grasp a hold of... Anything to be back on a boat, something moving in a direction.

I climbed onto the boat and learned how to captain the ship. I'm still learning how to ride out the waves, the big ones but my navigation has definitely improved.

The stillness is comforting. I'm not alone but I could be in the most ingratiated way. Suddenly, everything feels possible again, like this could actually be real. I could actually get everything I not only want but need. Why did I ever doubt that it was possible? I've always lived my life in a way that what I willed would be true.

The disconnect was paralyzing, my heart filled with fear. My thoughts clouded, what was real felt fake and what was dreamed up was my only reality. It's over, it's done... Did it really happen? Will I remember it for years to come, or, will it be like a drop in a bucket, the thing I needed to propel me to the top? The top of what? The crescendo was breached, the pit was low, with no way out. I fell and I kept falling and now I'm crawling.

The choice to get back up was mine to make. It was all along, I had forgotten no one else would be there at the finish line, only to cheer me on throughout the race. The indicators, the rest stops, the bottles of water... Get back up and on with the race. This time I'm running but for a different prize. I'm at the starting line of the rest of my life. I can't look behind, I might miss the signal. I'm ready to take off, on my mark, get ready to go! Twenty-twenty-four will be the year that I pace myself as I race myself, I will win as long as I don't stop.

Goodbye twenty-twenty-three, I don't know everything you've taught me. I do know how to let go and that is what I'm taking with me for the rest of my life. Nothing was mine to have or to hold but to touch and make gold. The gift is in the treasure, the map is in my mind, the journey of the road ahead will be personified. Time is fleeting and life is short, each moment answers the next one and the next one until your questions become decisions and off you go into the direction of the wind.