Grant Me the Serenity...

*This was originally created in August of 2020 when I was coming to terms with my need to quit alcohol entirely. I am presently coming up on two years of living alcohol-free!*

❦ Tom Petty is crooning in my ear, “Get up & climb that hill.” Stevie Nicks nudges him aside & gently wraps a lavender, velvet shawl around my shoulders. Kesha walks towards us smirking & hands me a golf club. I glance behind her at the shattered glass covering the ground. Oliver Sykes chuckles & brushes off his Alison Wonderland ‘Spiritual Level’ t-shirt. He looks at me, winks & says, “If you just sing along a little fucking louder to a happy song, you’ll be alright.”

❦ One thing that they all agree on… I just need to take it one day at a time.

❦ If you’re unfamiliar, that’s the favorite one-liner of AA. The problem? I hate counting the days. I’d much rather focus on another aspect of life until I look up at the calendar & see that a month has gone by. But alcohol has a way of subtly oozing into your daily life even if you're miles away from the nearest keg or vineyard.

❦ I have quit drinking three times since Ryker was born 3 ½ years ago. Before that? Let's rewind to when I was 16. My mom hands me something called a White Russian. It tastes sweet with a bitter punch at the end. A comforting warmth follows shortly after. I can only have one but I want more. I want that feeling to stay more than anything.

❦ Fast forward. The day that I found out I was pregnant came after a long & dreary weekend when my water to beer ratio was nonexistent. The moment that I saw those two lines, I was renewed with a previously unknown sense of hope. I dried up & became the best vessel for my child. For 10 months, I was the picture of a glowing pregnant lady & then a less shimmery, new mom. But you can bet that I had bought a case of Mama’s Juice & had it waiting for me in the cupboard. One month after I came home from the birthing center, the urge to drink resurfaced. I didn’t even think twice as I uncorked the first bottle & felt that deceiving warmth snake its way back into my empty belly…

❦ For the last 10 years, I believed that the peace I had been missing since childhood, could be found at the bottom of a bottle.

❦ The opening scene that I described is the result of me inadvertently rewiring my addicted brain with music. I download every album that I come across. Every day I press shuffle on the entire library. Any song that tugs at my soul is added to a playlist titled KHALEESI. It began at the end of 2019. I now have an eclectic 16.5 hours of music put together. My goal is to have 24 hours. So instead of taking a sip, I hit shuffle on that playlist & I feel my way through every song. I listen to the words. I sing. I dance. I embrace the emotions that arise. I let my mind wander away with the beat until the urge passes.

❦ The last time that tequila & I got together was on February 29th, my Granny’s birthday. That was 159 days ago. This is the third time that I’ve tried to quit drinking for the sake of my own health. At about 6 months on the first try, I relapsed. The second time I made it to about 3 months. Addiction is a disease. Alcohol addiction plagues both sides of my family, going back generations. I am a realistic optimist. I know the odds are stacked against me in every way. I also know that it will take all of my inner strength to overcome this obstacle.

Every.

Single.

Day.

❦ But I refuse to let this substance take away another hour of my life.