Freefalling

I woke up to a text from my best friend, whose boyfriend's, friend of a friend, with connections to the higher-ups, said that they heard there’s been talk amongst the city council of a lockdown. Still, it seemed very unlikely to me. Even with no toilet paper on the shelves and news reports of lockdowns happening everywhere else in the world. So when it did happen, the curfew, the lockdowns, the job closing, the government assistance, besides it all feeling slightly dystopian I have to admit, It was incredible. Ever since I got my first job at Butterball turkey factory, I longed for the day when I would get a fucking break. Not a two-day break. Not a week off. But an actual break from the rat race of capitalism. This life of working to earn just enough money to survive and maybe show my friends and family that I’m not a total failure. My dad always said the only way it was possible was by graduating from college and getting a ‘good job’. Working at my latest soul-sucking job- the fanciest restaurant/club in town, however, gave way to me meeting enough CEOs and wealthy humans that had never seen a degree. It gave me the push I needed to drop out of college. Don’t get me wrong I tried and tried and wanted so badly for it to work, to make my parents proud but it just wasn't me.

So there I was, just given a get out of jail free card from working these 2:30 pm to 4:00 am shifts in the most toxic environment imaginable and it was incredible. I had all the time in the world to figure out who I was. To meditate, to do yoga, to paint, to record for my podcast, and work on projects that tugged at my heartstrings and explore the realm of Me. And eventually, that too got old. I found myself pacing around my beautiful apartment, with all the free time I had so long prayed for, day after day feeling antsy and lost. I felt how retired people must feel, or like mothers whose children all move out. Around this time things started to open back up. My job called me, asked me to come back in. All of my friends were starting to go back to work and normal life as well. Before me, I saw two options. Go back to my robotic lifeless life of working for an establishment that crushed my soul, or keep surviving off of government money at home working towards the possibility of a successful alternative lifestyle. Naturally, I opted for creating a third option. Leaving the country. “In the middle of a pandemic?” Guatemala? It’s not safe!” “Are you sure?” It was only supposed to be for two weeks. A Yoga retreat, my last hoorah before I had to somehow integrate myself into reality again.

I didn't know that going to this lake that imploded on itself thousands of years ago(Lake Atitlan) would show me an entirely different way to exist. In communion with nature, where humans are happy to just be. I didn't know I would meet so many backpackers whose stories about crossing from border to border, country to country would entice me to push my flight back just one more week, just two more weeks, just…? I didn't know that the act of actually traveling was different from this picture-perfect ideal vacation sold to us by Instagram and American society in that traveling is actually quite common in other countries and do-able without a retirement or trust fund. I feel that this is a good point in which to mention that besides longing for a life outside the ordinary and an escape from ‘the matrix’ for the past 4 years I have done a lot of dabbling in manifesting and embarked on a some would say, intense journey of spiritual growth. In the months leading up to my journey, I had done a lot of talk about embracing the unknown. Fast forward to week 7 of postponing my return home and I sat facing the reality of my quickly dwindling savings, my upcoming rent, and my confused friends and family asking me what exactly I’m doing ‘over there’ and when am I coming back. Back to what though? That was what I kept asking myself. Back to my beautiful but stagnant apartment? Back to 14-hour shifts and bottle service life? Back to being fed ads for more and more things that could maybe fill the void in my soul? Building my savings up so that I can feel stable and safe and accomplished? Before I could think too much about it I signed off my lease, rented out my apartment, and made plans to cross the border into Mexico.

I have experienced being extremely poor in the past. The house I lived in for two years with my older sister would probably send most people running for the hills. Dangerous location, slowly worsening mold problem. One thanksgiving besides not having enough food stamps for a real dinner our oven didn't work. I spent it listening to my stomach growl watching everyone’s thanksgiving dinner Snapchat stories (a bit masochistic on my end honestly but there wasn't much else to do). All this to say like most people I have an aversion to the thought of being broke. It’s why I refused to quit this job I hated and saved money as if my life depended on it. It’s why having such a beautiful apartment and cozy space made me feel so accomplished. It’s why this idea of working towards and building a successful life seems so enticing. But long before I gave it all up, long before I started traveling, long before the Summer of 2020 and Covid lockdowns gave me an ‘out’ i knew something was missing. I knew there was a more. I just didn't know what it was.

We do a beautiful job of building cages for ourselves. Don’t get me wrong shopping is fun, owning stuff is incredible, feelings of accomplishment are incredible. But are these things, a nice house, a foreign car, a great credit score, an auspicious job title what we are meant to strive for? How much do they have to do with how unworthy and disconnected many of us feel? And is there another way? Is it okay to just exist and explore? Don’t get me wrong I’m not advocating for being a bum, I’ve found that unless I am contributing in some way to what I feel is the bettering of this world we live in, a feeling of emptiness starts to creep in threatening to consume me. I still have to figure out how to bridge the two, a life of meaningful accomplishments. But meeting people from all over the world and peering into different cultures gave me this feeling that the society I grew up in sold me a dream, a lie. I often think about Plato’s allegory of the cave in terms of spiritual beliefs but turns out it’s multidimensional. While everyone is out chasing the latest new phone, car, fitness goal, or job position there is an entire world of different cultures, landscapes, languages, volcanoes waiting to be climbed, layers of self waiting to be unearthed. In Guatemala, I befriended a boy from the UK named Ollie. A truly lovely human being, he complained quite a bit about his vacation being short and having to get back to work. “People ask me all the time if I’m happy with my job if I like what I do. I tell them I work this job that I have to, so I can do what I love.” I remember him saying that a couple of times. To me, to the group at the hostel, we were staying at. A few weeks after he left, we received news that Ollie took his life. I often wonder if Ollie felt he was sold a false dream too.

"Girl I see you living your best life" was a message I got fairly often via socials. I would open these messages unsure of what to say back because the truth was I hadn’t seen my bank account so low since 2015. I spent a good amount of time wondering if I was crazy for giving my old life away and stepping so confidently into this world of uncertainty and wildness. During my time traveling, I had this feeling of free-falling. Like someone opened the hatchet directly beneath my feet.

I didn't know where the money would come from, what I would go home to, whether or not my meditation program and podcast would take off and prove lucrative, if I would have to go home and back into a job I hated or if my parents were right about needing a degree and good job to thrive in life. I still don’t know the answer to a lot of these things. What I did feel was this undeniable sense of right-where-i-should-be-ness.

What I do know is that in this chapter of my life I felt more true to myself- my real self, inner self, higher self capital S Self- than I ever have before. I felt like a human being, not a human doing. I felt like a much less dangerous Indiana Jones exploring regions unknown learning lost languages… okay it was Spanish but it was quite the challenge. Instead of just journaling about faith and trust I decided to actually trust my path, it was crazy and scary and beautiful and good god so fulfilling. Now that I'm home, I have more questions than answers and a bit of anxiety about real-world adulting things. But some things- like bravery, clarity, newfound faith, and desires to broaden my horizons are ingrained into who I am. Maybe tomorrow I will decide that working some job I dont exactly love in order to save up properly for a year or 5 of traveling is worth it. Maybe I will keep chipping away at the old ice block of entrepreneurship till the light of prosperity shines down on me. I am okay with not knowing because the truth is most of what can actually be known is constructs anyways. I will forever remember and be proud of the me who turned away from all social norms and logic and chased a feeling, trusted an energy, and extended a two-week trip into five months. god so fulfilling. Now that I'm home, I have more questions than answers and i bit of anxiety about real-world adulting things. But some things- like bravery, clarity, newfound faith, and desires to broaden my horizons are ingrained into who I am. Maybe tomorrow I will decide that working some job I don't exactly love in order to save up properly for a year or 5 of traveling is worth it. Maybe I will keep chipping away at the old ice block of entrepreneurship till the light of prosperity shines down on me. I am okay with not knowing because the truth is most of what can actually be known is constructs anyways. I will forever remember and be proud of the me who turned away from all social norms and logic and chased a feeling, trusted an energy, and against all odds and prior social norms, extended a two-week trip into five months.