Forgiveness

Forgive me but I can’t forgive you.

How does one forgive he who destroyed a family?

How does one forgive he who broke a home?

How does one forgive an evil that can’t be forgotten?

I think it’s easier to forgive when the pain is directed at yourself because I guess in a toxic way we just get over it. We tell ourselves that it’s okay. That it wasn’t that deep.

But what happens when it’s your family that was stripped of everything?

What happens when it’s those closest to you that have been destroyed by someone? And what happens when you are a witness to the daily distortion of their reality because of said person?

What happens when someone has robbed so many people of their lives and their all YOUR people’s lives?

And what if they did it without any regard, without any remorse, without any consideration?

How does one forgive that?

What if they did it with evil in their heart, with selfishness, with arrogance and with pride?

What if you saw right through their make-believe and for a long time was the only one that did and so you were the one that watched it all unravel. Watched as they set your people on fire and walked away without any burns at all.

What if you watched them laugh at it all? The destruction. The freedom they stole. The minds they set on fire. What if you watched them lie about it? What if you watched them move on and start a new life?

And what if you experienced the residue of their evil in your people? Haunting them. Every day. Every night. Till this day. A residue, lingering in their hearts and mind, showing up in their nightmares.

Could you forgive?

I thought I could.

I’ve forgiven many evils but this one remains deep in my heart. I wish it didn’t. Not so that you can find peace but so that we can find peace. I wish I could forgive you, not for you but for them, for me.

I keep telling myself that there’s a reason for everything.

I keep telling myself that there's a bigger plan that I cannot see yet.

I keep telling myself that forgiveness is for me and not for you.

And I keep reminding myself that you are a reflection of me.

So I try to see the me in you or the you in me but it doesn't help.

My beliefs are telling me to forgive you but my heart is adamant that you're the epitome of evil.

Why can’t I forgive you?

Because you messed with my heart, my people.

Because I’ve gone through your most horrifying act in detail and have tried to discern you. I'VE tried to discern YOU.

I've tried... to understand... you.

How did you break through all those filters? How did you manage to silence the screams in your head? What was it that your brain told you that justified your wickedness? How could you take something so pure, so innocent and watch in awe as you yourself debilitated it and dehumanised it.

How do you look at your daughter's face knowing all that you are and the intensity of what you’ve done?

How do you get out of bed every day?

How do you stand to look at yourself in the mirror?

What justifies your existence? How do you justify the breath in your lungs? How can you justify that for me? I need you to try and explain. Tell me.

Go on, give it your best shot.

I'm listening...

So forgive me.

Forgive me because I can’t forgive you.

God knows I’ve tried.

But where do we draw the line? When does something become unforgivable?

Is anything unforgivable? Or must all be forgiven?

Are there some things that are so evil that they are not owed forgiveness?

Because if so, Id say this is one of those.

Can I still wish you pain once I’ve forgiven you?

Because right now, I do. I wish you suffering and I don't want to wish that on anyone. As a matter of fact I never have.

I always prided myself on how understanding and compassionate and believe it or not how forgiving I am, which is why this has hit me in the face like a bag of bricks because no matter how much I try, I cannot.

Maybe they were right. Maybe it just wasn't personal enough. And now it is.

I hate that I wish you pain. I hate that you make my heart feel hatred. I hate that you're free.

But I hate what you’ve done more.

Today I wish you pain.

But one day I won’t. So until that day, until I find a way to forgive you, please forgive me.

Forgive me because I can’t forgive you.

Forgive me until I do.