Flowers to my Funeral

Writers block is clouding my mind these days. I took a break all to return to nothing. So, I decided to write a three line haiku today about the thoughts I’ve been holding captive in that cranial blob that sits in my skull.

The haiku can be viewed here.

Olvidada : translation; forgotten

It seems the older I get the worse it gets when it comes down to this topic of love and abandonment. I admire those who can love and be loved and then be cast ashore by love and come out the other side to say “It’s okay, I’ll try again.”

It takes immaculate strength to keep believing in something that cauterizes you repeatedly.

I understand the “scientific method” of love, so to speak. What to observe, question, believe etc. I understand the spiritual/ biblical depths of love, and how God the Creator IS love. I understand that people truly love and things don’t work out. I understand break-ups are healthy. But what I struggle to commiserate with is the deserted island, the desolate desert, the wilderness of confinement that is caused by abandonment when it comes down to being a “victim” in misconstrued love or what I like to call-abandonment.

A healthy break-up to me is when two individuals make effort to nurture a relationship and it comes to the resolution that separating is overall the better and healthier decision because both parties worked at it for awhile.

What’s disturbing and causes an individual traumatic distress is a parting without goodbye. A love that promises, but ends in an instant leaving you feeling haunted by the ghost of their presence with the weight behind the vigor words “I love you” and then suddenly it’s as if flowers are sent to your funeral when you’re still alive.

You are left expected to agree. The conflicting part about that is, you’re forced to. It’s pretty incredible.

So, you accept it without truly letting go. That is trauma with a fork in it. A slice of perjury for breakfast lunch and dinner. When this occurs, whether it’s a parent, or an intimate partnership, a person is left putting in work to learn, train, and even unlearn things about topics they once believed in, resulting in guilt upon their actions trying to piece together what made a person ‘run out’. That’s the key word here, run out. If anyone is willing to run out versus step out, this most likely indicates it wasn’t anything you could’ve done. As I stated earlier, if effort was put in, this would be indicated as a more thought-out exit. I can get behind any break-up that’s had trials.

There is nothing wrong with you when a person abused your fortress or place of safety because you allowed them to reside there, stripping your temple of innocence and grace, creating a creature inhabiting fear and anxiety.

Once I allowed myself grace to infuse all of this information, for it to make sense, I had this thought today, that I am so glad this happened to me and not him or them. Faultlessly loving someone is not detrimental. Don’t regret loving even the wrong person. Love is the most pure attribute of God. Correctly loving someone never wishes ill, or revenge upon them even if they never seek your peace again.

I imagined the love of my life loving someone so fiercely and that person walks out on them, breaking their heart to itty-bitty pieces. I then imagined it leaving him stripped to question everything about himself. This simple thought caused more grief to my heart than it did actually being done to me. Thoughts about his heart being strangled by pain, the wholesome side of anyone's heart being taken into battle, urks my inner core. That’s when I concluded I was going to be glad that he’s happy, living, laughing, dating, exploring, and even resting at night. I’m glad he can lay his head on his pillow at night and sleep the whole night through without nightmares. I say this without animosity, because this one did a number on me and I’ve had nightmares ever since. I think the reason being, is “it’s just another loss.” I would never wish this feeling of abandonment on the ones I love or have loved before, because they matter too.

How to love and who to love is really free-range, and for someone who can not properly reciprocate it, doesn’t make yours fraudulent. The moment I decided to free myself, was when I became content with the fact that pure love really needs no explanation.

To the man or woman going through the grief of a break-up, take as much time as you need, and I mean AS MUCH, because everyone's limit hits differently. For some, this may be the first heartbreak and for others it's their tenth, therefore scarring may look different across the board, and so does time.

To the next person I get to love, it will be my joy to love you.

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." ----------1st Cor 13:13