Facing the Imposter

Who am I? Who am I really? If I don’t know then surely I’m a fraud, a fake. An imposter.

I’m lying to myself and everyone around me. I’m not as talented as I think I am. My achievements are flukes. I’ve somehow managed to fool everyone around me. I’m a lie and I deserve to be forgotten and thrown aside.

Have you heard your brain talk to you like this? Come on now, be honest. Because in reality, we all have.

“Impostor syndrome, also called impostor phenomenon or fraud syndrome, is a term to describe the psychological experience of feeling like you don’t deserve your success.” ~ Carol Rääbus, Impostor syndrome: What is it and do you have it?

When you start to achieve success and what you’ve been manifesting starts to come true, it’s the imposter that creeps into our mind and tells us that we don’t deserve any of it.

Why does this happen?

According to psychologist Audrey Ervin, it’s a paranoia effect that refers to when someone is unable to accept their success and mentally begins to sabotage their feeling of accomplishment.

For people in the creative industries, this is particularly damaging as we’re meant to constantly push the limits of what we’re capable of. It’s all about expectation.

Now, I’m not an official expert on the matter, however, I have experienced it enough during the growth in my career that I may as well be an expert in it. From my own dealing with this, I can gather from where it may or may not originate from.

Growing up, I had a great amount of expectation on me to excel, and when I didn’t meet those expectations, I was punished. Now as you develop, you’re quite impressionable and habits form. My habit was fear of failure and fear of making mistakes.

So when I did achieve anything, that was also questioned. “You got 99% on this test… why didn’t you get 100%?” My teachers during my teen years would tell me I wouldn’t be able to achieve what I wanted by saying things like “I don’t think that career path suits you.” and “You know you're not as smart as you think you are.” No, I’m not paraphrasing.

It would only give me greater conviction and stubbornness to prove them wrong but I still didn’t fully know the subconscious effects it had on my psyche.

As an adult, I still have issues with believing when I deserve something good. When something positive happens in my life, I question whether or not I deserve it. When I achieve something, I brush it off and move on, not wanting to celebrate what I’ve done in case I come through as cocky and arrogant.

I’m working on all of that and am trying to openly celebrate when I’ve accomplished something, but still, that nagging voice lingers in the back of my mind.

“What if people laugh at me? What if they diminish my accomplishment? What if this actually isn’t as great as I think it is? What if I’m not as smart as I think I am?” Who cares, do the thing anyway. Some days are harder than others but I feel I’m improving by living by those simple words:

Who cares? Because I certainly shouldn’t. Generally, the ones who will answer those questions above are trolls looking to make themselves feel better. So while they sit in their toxic sludge made of hate and resentment, we can push our limits of what we’re capable of and continue doing better and better.

We make that artwork that’s been on our minds for months but we haven’t had the confidence to attempt. We start editing that video even though it will need elements we need to do from scratch. We write the script we think wouldn’t be funny.

According to psychologist Audrey Ervin, the best way to begin resolving imposter syndrome is to acknowledge it.

“Simply observing that thought as opposed to engaging it” can be helpful, says Ervin. “We can help teach people to let go and more critically question those thoughts. I encourage clients to ask ‘Does that thought help or hinder me?’” ~ Abigail Abrams, Yes, Impostor Syndrome Is Real. Here’s How to Deal With It

What you’re feeling is normal. Remember to reach out and ask for help from those around you. It doesn’t mean you’re incapable, it just means you’re human.