I guess the first thing to address is the term “Broken Filmmaker” and what that means. I don’t think I can call myself a filmmaker currently. 2020 has been a massive punch in the guts and I understand hearing that has almost become a cliche.
It started with a sudden bout of curiosity. The months and months that I had applied and either gotten rejected or ghosted MUST have produced an interesting number. So, I sat down in front of my laptop and scoured through all the emails I had received when I had applied for jobs.
About a month ago I applied for my dream job for the company that was a major influence for me going to film school in the first place. I was filled with imposter syndrome and excitement for what I could bring to the table of this company.
During the filming of Ghosts of Europe in 2017, I had the pleasure of being the lead photographer. This meant I got to visit a variety of scary places including the site of the worst nuclear disaster in human history, the home and death place of Europe's most prolific female serial killer, and of course the resting place of black death victims in the city considered to be the Witches Capital of the world.
It’s spooky month! Plastic pumpkins are appearing, talking skeletons are on the rise and costume sales pick up… but there is another spooky phenomenon that can also be found, but not just in October. It’s an all-year-round ordeal.
Who am I? Who am I really? If I don’t know then surely I’m a fraud, a fake. An imposter.
I’m lying to myself and everyone around me. I’m not as talented as I think I am. My achievements are flukes. I’ve somehow managed to fool everyone around me. I’m a lie and I deserve to be forgotten and thrown aside.